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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh and after work drink

59 replies

magicstars · 11/10/2013 18:51

DH is a teacher, started a new job this Sep. He is usually finished by 5pm and when needs be, does his planning in the evening after dd is in bed. Since starting his new job, he's started going out for a drink on a Friday after work. I'm not that happy about this, as his commute is over an hour and having been at home all day with dd, I look forward to his company and help. I would hope he'd want to come home and spend some qt with us too.
He is still not home (blaming traffic) and so will miss dd's bedtime Hmm I am especially annoyed as dd and I are going away for the next week and therefore he should be prioritising spending time with us over socialising with his colleagues.
AIBU to be annoyed with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
magicstars · 11/10/2013 19:36

Cat- yes he goes to the pub but assures me he stays well under the limit. I am inclined to think if you are driving, don't drink at all, but what can I do?! He's not breaking the law.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 11/10/2013 19:40

But he could be. Booze affects different people in different ways. One person could down 3 pints and still pass a breathaliser. Another person might make it go to red after one pint.

Is it worth losing his job, potentially?

VinegarDrinker · 11/10/2013 19:45

Eh? I'm all for a zero alcohol limit while driving personally but why get all dramatic about it? The OP hasn't mentioned any concerns that he's over the limit/driving dangerously. For all we know he's drinking OJ only.

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/10/2013 19:45

Yabu, as you've accepted but I can see why it gets to you at the same time.

He doesn't have to go every Friday and probably won't once he feels more established with his new colleagues.

Perhaps suggest one Friday a month you get a baby sitter and go out together?

Original poster
magicstars · 11/10/2013 19:46

Well no, clearly it's not cat, but I'm not there with him I can't stop him having an alcoholic drink. I'm not ecstatic about the whole going out for after work drinks anyway, hence the post Wink

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 11/10/2013 19:47

Who's getting dramatic? I was just establishing how things were.

VinegarDrinker · 11/10/2013 19:59

Yes, everyone's alcohol tolerance varies but I'm nor sure what that has to do with the OP? Talk of losing his job etc seems somewhat unnecessary.

ilovesooty · 11/10/2013 20:05

He has an hour's journey each way to work. His day will be full on. He doesn't stay at work planning: he comes home. He respects family life enough to sit down to work after his daughter has gone to bed. Presumably he is available during the school holidays. There is no suggestion that he stays out late or has an alcohol problem.

Going for a couple of drinks after work and buliding up team spirit with new colleagues seems reasonable enough to me.

The OP has also not indicated that he prevents any down time she might want: indeed she's going away next week.

YouTheCat · 11/10/2013 20:07

She's going away with their dd - so hardly downtime.

Every other week would be fairer given that he has hobby time and other solo activities.

everlong · 11/10/2013 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sittinginthesun · 11/10/2013 20:12

I know how you feel, but I think you need to just accept it. DH is out at least two nights per week, and never got back in time for bedtime (they are older now though, so he sees them if he's back by 8pm).

Just make sure you have the option of going out sometimes too.

ilovesooty · 11/10/2013 20:17

She mentions "other stuff" on some evenings: some of that may well be work related. Lots of f/t workers don't get home for 7pm with an hour's commute. There isn't any suggestion that he prevents her accessing social activities or relaxing in a way of her choosing.

pianodoodle · 11/10/2013 20:18

I don't think YABU

If he has other nights doing other hobbies it doesn't leave much time for you to have a break.

I dislike all this "he's had a busy day/week so deserves it etc..." As if you don't deserve the same break...

DownstairsMixUp · 11/10/2013 20:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ilovesooty · 11/10/2013 20:22

If he has other nights doing other hobbies it doesn't leave much time for you to have a break

The OP talked a one hobby. She didn't say what the "other stuff" was.

Presumably if she wanted she could have time out during the weekend or during the school holidays?

ilovesooty · 11/10/2013 20:25

He's not having a night out anyway. It appears to be only the early evening.

bearleftmonkeyright · 11/10/2013 20:25

I don't know any teachers who regularly go out every Friday drinking. I don't think yabu.

Finola1step · 11/10/2013 20:28

I now teach Mon-Thurs. It's great as I get a whole day just me and dd on a Friday. But by goodness do I miss the Friday drinks down the pub. I really miss it. Not the beer as such but the banter. How when you've had a crap old week, you can confide in your colleagues and leave the crap at the pub and not take the stress home

Be glad that your DH has found a school where colleagues socialise. With all that is going on in the education world at the moment, the last thing I would be wanting to do is establishing myself somewhere new.

curlew · 11/10/2013 20:31

Those of you saying that the OP was not being unreasonable, you did notice that she posted at 6.50 saying that he was still not home- blaming traffic. That means that usually, even after going out for a drink, hope must be home by 6.30. How many of us have partners who are home by 6.30?

kali110 · 11/10/2013 20:34

Think yabu. He's started a new job. This was me last year it was nice to get to know my colleagues.
From post it doesn't seem like its every night, i would cut him some slack.
Think would discuss the amount of drinking but it is ok to have one drink before driving he.

Original poster
magicstars · 11/10/2013 20:35

We have agreed that once a fortnight for after work drinks is more reasonable... And for him to be back in time for us to have some of the evening together. I agree that there is an emphasis on him being tired after work and needing to unwind. Looking after a toddler is also exhausting (I work p/t and am studying), but I don't really have that option to just go to the pub. Besides, being with dd when I can is my priority.
We will also look into more time together as a couple and I will be more proactive about doing my own thing one evening a week. I gave up my hobby because I felt it imposed on our family time and as DH is so busy, I think it's especially precious to have that time together.
Thanks for all your responses, happy Friday all Thanks

OP posts:
Solitaire007 · 11/10/2013 20:35

It sounds to me like the issue is more deep rooted, I don't think it's the going out its more the you staying in tbh that's bothering you. My DH runs his own business and often has to take clients out he even manages to slot in a 5 day "business meeting" to magaluf every year! He leaves the house at 5.30am and its usually 7 at the very earliest he's home, Thursdays it gone 9pm. Your time will come and hopefully like my DH he will support you and let you off the leash once in a while. I totally disagree with the comment that "space lets someone else slide in" or whatever it was. It's human nature to like to converse even flirt a little with the opposite sex as long as you have a trusting relationship and a good equal partnership (that works in your unit) the relationship you have will get stronger, pull in those reins and they will be more tempted to rebel I'd say!

kali110 · 11/10/2013 20:36

My partner doesnt even finish that time :-(

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/10/2013 20:44

It's important that you are happy too OP. Happy parents = happy family. I think if you had a thing that was just for you, this stopping for a drink after work wouldn't bother you half as much

Do your hobby,he can do his and you can spend time together.

DownstairsMixUp · 11/10/2013 20:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.