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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU petty about friends childrens party??

88 replies

Yepyep333 · 10/10/2013 10:03

I have a close friend of 20 years, we have 5 children between us, every birthday party we have for our children they are always invited as the children all get along great! However this year she has decided not to invite mine to her dd party at her house and text saying they can come at 5pm for cake, A mutual friend mentioned her dd is going to the party there from 2 till 4.30, AIBU that I feel a bit put out! I know it's her dd birthday and she can invite who she wants but I feel a bit annoyed Confused AIBU and petty? I think I might be!!

OP posts:
OneStepCloser · 10/10/2013 13:39

I think on this occassion, I would (with a big smile) drop a present round either in the morning or the next day with apologies that you cant make the party. Then there can be no awkwardness.

Oriunda · 10/10/2013 13:40

How do you know it will be the dregs? DN had a second cake for her family tea and got to do candles etc all over again.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 10/10/2013 13:40

I think you have to accept that children won't want to keep inviting everyone.
My children have a great friend they have known literally from birth. Their fathers have known each other since school and we are neighbours. The 3 girls effectively grew up together.
However
From the age of about 8 they didn't attend each other's birthday parties as these were for school friends (they attended dffierent schools).
All now in their 20s and still close friends with each other-like extended family. Mind you we stopped inviting cousins to birthday parties at around the age of 8 too.

Pancakeflipper · 10/10/2013 13:42

I agree with Momb.

And I think you should pop round resolve this and say you will all go at 5pm to celebrate.

I agree with the other person who said if you just had one child then they'd no doubt be invited but you have 3 and that means her child would have to invite 3 less friends.

Having another get-together at 5pm with 'family friends' looks to me that the mother was trying to accommodate everyone and now has offended you without wanting to at all.

WipsGlitter · 10/10/2013 13:44

Which of her children's party is it? Are your kids at the same school? I can see why she might just want to have a school friends only party. My DS went to a few of his cousin's parties but it didn't really work out as he didn't know any other children. He wasn't asked to the last one but I didn't mind.

I think you put your friend in an tricky spot. Go to the party now but don't ask the next time.

sweetiepie1979 · 10/10/2013 13:52

Ah you shouldn't go to the full day. Actually you knew there was a party so why bother puting her in an awkward situation and doing that was a bit back handed actually And now she has extra kids to cater for. Phone her back say actually you've realised its probably too much but you'll see her for cake aafter.

DeWe · 10/10/2013 13:52

When dd1 was little we had a set of friends that she got on very well with, but were really children of friends. These girls were 2 years older and lovely girls.

But the last party of dd1's they were invited to they were a right pain. It was her 5th party and they were 6.6yo. I came very close to phoning one of the mums up and asking her to remove her daughter, which isn't me at all.
It wasn't really their fault in a lot of ways, the activities were right for 4-5yos, they were just too old. So they showed off, and were silly, and in all honesty spoilt things.
I didn't invite them the next year.

However many years later, dd1 is still friendly, especially with one of them, and I'm still very friendly with their mums.

It was simply that the activities for dd1 and school friends were too young for the older ones.

Particularly if you would expect to come with all three of yours (not just leaving the one closest in age) that's potentially three school friends less, and at least one of your dc (depending on the age of the birthday child) is very much the wrong age.

I would text back and say, "sorry we can't get there earlier. We'd still love to come for cake at 5:00 if that's still on".

pigletmania · 10/10/2013 13:56

You just do not treat a close friend who you have known for 20 years like that. Fair enough the frieds dd wants frends of her choosing at her party, and that is her right, op is being very unreasonable to expect her Chidren to be invited to every party that her friend has for her children. But the frend has treated op badly, inviting her to tharp arty dregs in a text. She should have phoned op, explains that they will have a party for dd friends at school, inviting op and her Chidren at another time to celebrate ie a little cake few nibbles at home type thing

pigletmania · 10/10/2013 13:59

It is more likely to be left over cake, not a we one. Op should no have asked about the party but arranged another day to meet up

pigletmania · 10/10/2013 13:59

Not a new one doh

Pancakeflipper · 10/10/2013 14:07

How do you know it is dregs?

It might be a new cake, it might not. Does it matter?

Just because the birthday girl is having a couple of hours with her friends celebrating her birthday doesn't mean the OP's family have been ousted. As they get older things just change and the mother is still trying to accommodate them. Wondering if she is wishing she'd just not bothered now.

Surely the point is the family have been asked to come over and celebrate together with the children having fun together and I am sure the OP and her friend having a cuppa and chat.

pigletmania · 10/10/2013 14:10

It looks like op is an afterthought a phone call explaining things would have been a lot better. Don't people call anymore?

pigletmania · 10/10/2013 14:10

Yes it's the principle!

Ifcatshadthumbs · 10/10/2013 14:11

I'm not sure what the difference between going over on the same day or a different day is tbh and a slice of cake is a slice of cake. It's not going to be mauled left overs that other children have chewed and spat out.

I don't think it's worth affecting a 20 year friendship over

Bowlersarm · 10/10/2013 14:19

OP, you have just issued yourself an invitation and made it difficult for your friend!

I think you really need to txt her back and say something like 'let's stick to the original plan and we'll look forward to seeing you for some lovely birthday cake at 5.00'

Unless you want your DC to be there above everything else.

pigletmania · 10/10/2013 14:34

No it's not wrth loosing a good friendship over tbh, I probably would ave declined and popped round anther day with the present, and ake a mental note, to not invite them to dc party, unless dc really wants them there

Floggingmolly · 10/10/2013 14:36

Why did you text to ask if there was to be a party? Confused.
I thought she'd already covered that by explaining your kids weren't invited, but to come after for the crumbs cake? Was it all is an assumption on your part? Confused Confused

WetGrass · 10/10/2013 14:43

Yabu

I often split parties - because I find that my children manage socially better in small homogeneous groups. It requires more tact that my 7 year old possesses to introduce a cousin to a best school friend - and to side-step the ensuing tug of love.

Small group for cake: lovely & they all play happily. Large party: someone is crying, someone's stuff gets trashed, someone this, someone that - it can all become a bit feral very quickly.

thebody · 10/10/2013 14:47

good grief. they don't stay little for ever with being friends just because the mummies are.

they grow and choose their own circle. of course when you all meet up they get on brilliantly but her dd has probably had to ask back school friends whose parties she has allready been too.

her being in friendship groups at school is far more important than asking your dd who she can see at other times.

I expect your friend thought you would get this.

lifeinthefastlane1 · 10/10/2013 15:02

my best friend purposefully didnt invite my 2 kids to her sons 1st birthday party, lied and said he wasnt having one, we even visited on his birthday to fetch presents only after the fact did we find out he even had a party and 20 yrs on she still denies having it, some people are so weird,in hindsight I think it was that my DD was six weeks younger at the time and was walking (she walked at 9months) he wasnt and she didnt want anyone pointing it out, shes funny like that. I like to think I didnt hold a grudge but here I am 20 yrs on telling you about it, we didnt fall out over it tho and I did invite her son to my kids birthdays.

pigletmania · 10/10/2013 15:02

Op just drop round with a smile another day with the present.

LittleBairn · 10/10/2013 15:39

The whole inviting you half an hour after the party has finished makes me wonder if she just wants to collect a birthday present from you.

Original poster
Yepyep333 · 10/10/2013 15:46

I text and asked if there was a party because I had seen a mutual friend and she had mentioned she was going at 2pm, I had received a text saying come over at 5pm for cake Hmm She then text saying come at 2.30, I feel bad that I put her in a awkward situation but deep down I am very hurt, I realise this is silly but I can't help it x

OP posts:
pigletmania · 10/10/2013 15:58

What are you hurt about op? You know that sometime or another yours and your friends dcs will go in different directions and have different friends. Just because you are friends does not mean your dcs must be, and do everything together. Fine once they are little but not when they get older. But your friend could have handled it better.

shewhowines · 10/10/2013 16:00

You are being ridiculous. By 8 my dc had their friends only. No cousins and none of my friends children. When do you expect it to stop? Should they still be asking your children when they are 14?

This is not a reflection of your friendship. It is not that they don't like your children. They are growing up.

Stop being silly.