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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU petty about friends childrens party??

88 replies

Yepyep333 · 10/10/2013 10:03

I have a close friend of 20 years, we have 5 children between us, every birthday party we have for our children they are always invited as the children all get along great! However this year she has decided not to invite mine to her dd party at her house and text saying they can come at 5pm for cake, A mutual friend mentioned her dd is going to the party there from 2 till 4.30, AIBU that I feel a bit put out! I know it's her dd birthday and she can invite who she wants but I feel a bit annoyed Confused AIBU and petty? I think I might be!!

OP posts:
junkfoodaddict · 10/10/2013 11:01

If you have been friends for 20 years and are close you shouldn't feel embarrassed to ask why your children are not invited this year as they have been in the past. Be 'jolly' when you ask. You may get a perfectly reasonable answer.
My DS has been invited to a friend's little boy's birthday party last 2 years but because the little boy doesn't actually interact with my DS at all and friend gave a terrbile excuse for not turning up to my DS's 1st birthday party (they had a 'cold' but posted merry pictures of themselves on FB taken on the day with friends - Hmm ) I am not inviting them to my DS's 2nd birthday in the next few weeks. Guests will all be 3-4 years younger than friend's little boy, he can be aggressive, whines and seems to have a 'dislike' of toddlers. Obviously I won't tell friend this (hurt her feelings). I am instead having a cake and tea get-together the day before his birthday for family and friends (including her and her family) and DS's birthday party a week later.
I would never invite someone round for tea and cake only an hour or so after the actual party that I didn't invite them to. That is being mean.

Viviennemary · 10/10/2013 11:06

These things are always difficult. You probably insisted her DC's be invited to your parties and now she doesn't invite yours. I'd be annoyed in your position. Not sure if I'd bother with going for cake but if one or more of the DC's want to go then go if it's convenient. If not don't bother.

VenusDeWillendorf · 10/10/2013 11:11

Kids choose their own friends, and so do you.

If this mum is your friend, well make time for you and her to do something fun together independently of all of your kids.

Her kids have their own friends, and so do yours! Don't be sad, she's not giving you the heave or anything.

Balaboosta · 10/10/2013 11:20

I agree - ask her. Also I think it's crap to invite anyone for '"just the cake" - wtf? People seem to be going along with this but I think it's not on. It's not a wedding when you can invite people for only the reception.

musicismylife · 10/10/2013 11:22

it's just that my children may not have necessarily wanted to invite hers but as we are like family I thought it was just a given

Well why did your children invite hers if they did not want hers there Hmm Seems to me that her children are acting on their feelings and not pretending. And you have a problem with that? Hmm

Birdsgottafly · 10/10/2013 11:23

It depends on which child is having the birthday and if she is organising games etc around what the child wants.

I don't think that children should be forced to have family or the children of friends at their party if numbers are tight.

If it's the youngest child, is your elder one getting bossy and controlling? If you are really good friends, then you should just ask and clear the air, perhaps there is an issue that you are not picking up on and it needs honesty.

You need to except that as they grow up they may not even like each other, but it shouldn't make a difference to your friendship.

Birdsgottafly · 10/10/2013 11:24

"it's just that my children may not have necessarily wanted to invite hers but as we are like family I thought it was just a given"

Then there is a issue that you are ignoring and you are not family, the children are not obliged to mix.

Bowlersarm · 10/10/2013 11:28

shewhowines has summed it up for me.

It is a natural progression for family friends to ease out of going to each others birthday parties.

It's great that they all get on really well, and you must have fantastic family days out together. But would your children, and her children, honestly chose the others as their best friends?

Also, to be blunt, if you have three children then that's three places your children take up. Your friends dd may prefer to invite another three children from her class instead.

Floggingmolly · 10/10/2013 11:28

Making the decision that it no longer worked for your kids to be automatically invited is one thing; but to sugar the pill by announcing you can come round when the party's finished for the leavings of the cake...
Shock. What on earth was she thinking?
Don't take your kids, it'll be horrible.

vladthedisorganised · 10/10/2013 11:35

I wouldn't worry about it. If it's one of those exhausting 'whole class' birthday parties then she may be looking for a reason to put an end time on it - "we have to finish at 4 because we have some family friends coming around' sort of thing.

DD and I have been invited late to a few of these for exactly that reason (where DD is not at school with the birthday child) - the birthday child gets to wind down a bit and still has a friend around to hang out with, the mum gets to catch up with you 1-1 (and knows you won't judge her for breaking out the wine at 5pm if you've known her for 20 years), everyone wins Grin

momb · 10/10/2013 11:36

But you are like family, so you are invited to a family party from 5pm.
Her dd is having a party for her school friends, where your children would know less poeple and not be fully integrated.
Just go at 5 and have a lovely evening; she'll be able to sit and have a cup of tea and moan about all the raucous hooligans from the afternoon while all your children play together.
I made the mistake of including local (like family) friends to YD's sleepover last weekend. There ended up two groups as they didn't all know each other and my DD didn't know where to be or who to please. I wish I'd had two parties, just as your friend is. Don't think of it as A or B list; it's just a different friendship group.

goldenlula · 10/10/2013 11:36

We have been in a similar situation. Dh and I are very friendly with a couple and we have in the past always invited each other's children to parties but over the past couple of years I have suspected that they were having birthday parties and not inviting ours, for me this is totally fine, the children play with each other when we see each other which to be fair is a lot less than it used to be but mine do not ask to see them or anything. When it has come to our children's parties dh has insisted I invite at least the closest in age of their children, but says that they others (4 in total) can come too. I have tried saying that it is up to our children but he has always said it would be rude not to etch nd as I could not definitely say they were not inviting our children so would not be bothered in respected his wishes and invited them, last party was earlier this year.
A couple of weeks ago their dc had a birthday and a few days later I popped his present round and chatted about his birthday and the mum mentioned they had had an entertainer for his party etc. Tbh for me it is a relief, I no longer need to leave room for these children (not in a nasty way but ds1 wants a pay per child party and now I know he can invite an extra child of his choice rather than me saying that such and such has to go). Just look at it that it frees you to not invite them because it is a 'given' that you will. Children reach an age when they know who they want to invite to their party, which is fine IMO.

loveandsmiles · 10/10/2013 11:50

Agree with momb ~ she is perhaps inviting some school friends for a party then inviting family and special friends later ~ go and enjoy it while you can. As both your DC grow older, they probably won't want to join in with get togethers in the future ~ it is just a natural progression.

My good friend and I never invite DC to each others parties as they don't have school friends in common although they get on well when together. We organise get togethers at other times ~ we are having a Halloween party at the end of the month.

Just chill about it and don't spoil a 20 year friendship x

neolara · 10/10/2013 11:56

I'm afraid I think you really need to get a grip. It's a kids party. Kids parties change as they get older. What works when your kids are little doesn't always work as they get older. At some point someone needs to take the initiative about making a change.

IMO, school friends and non-school friends together at the same party doesn't often work. Having 3 year olds at a party aimed at 9 year olds doesn't really work. You might think differently, but your friend might feel the same as me.

pigletmania · 10/10/2013 11:57

I know it hurts, but like others have sad mabey her dd was not as close to your dcs, just because you are good friends does not mean tey have to be. At least she as broken the cycle, so next time your dcs don't have to invite hers. Go round after with a nice present and enjoy te cake Smile

pigletmania · 10/10/2013 12:00

The cake thing seems lame, if you don't want to go don't. Like she s inviting your of te leftovers. Go round te next day with a present an thats it!

Justforlaughs · 10/10/2013 12:09

Breaking cycles like this can be hard, it sounds like she's trying to do so without upsetting you. I wouldn't be upset about your DCs not being invited to the party, it's up to you whether you make the effort to go round for cake ( I would, personally). As for the statement that you thought that as we are like family I thought it was just a given, my DCs have never attended their siblings birthday parties. I don't see why they should, a party if for that child and their friends not their siblings (who may well fight more than get along) or my friends children (however well they get on when they meet up). They are at liberty to invite who they want to and I have very little influence over their list - other than pointing out the parties that they have been invited to and asking whether they want to reciprocate.

Oriunda · 10/10/2013 12:16

YABU. My niece has a party for her school friends, followed a couple of hours later by a family-only tea party. It works because my sister is not having to worry about looking after family and DN can just enjoy playing her with friends rather than having to chat to family. Now DN is older it's also only girls that she invites.

JammieCodger · 10/10/2013 12:58

My partner's best friend for 35 years has children the same age as ours. For the first few years we'd always invite them to our birthday parties and go to theirs but haven't for a couple of years now; as the children have got older their parties have got smaller.

I think it's lovely that they're still involving you in the day by inviting you afterwards.

tedmundo · 10/10/2013 13:03

YABU but I can see why it does hurt.

There has to be a numbers limit at parties, else the parents of the birthday child will need therapy afterwards. As the children get older of course they want to write their own guest list. That is perfectly natural and also,I believe, correct. Sadly, this time it seems the birthday child did not have enough places for your kids.

The inviting of you guys over for cake at 5 is your friend's (clumsy) way of trying to make good a situation she clearly feels a bit shitty about as well. Just talk to her.

Original poster
Yepyep333 · 10/10/2013 13:11

Now I feel awful, I text and asked if there was a party as she didn't mention it to me I heard it through a mutual friend and she has now said to come, I know we weren't originally invited and feel I have forced her to invite us Sad I appreciate ever body's views and thank you for replying x

OP posts:
Ifcatshadthumbs · 10/10/2013 13:18

Well I guess you have put her in an awkward position now! Once my children hit school age parties were about inviting friends of their choosing not family friends. It is difficult but as friends we all had the "conversation" about it so people knew where they stood.

I think you need to speak to her in person and sort this out or she is going feel obliged to invite your kids to every party for the foreseeable future and that is obviously not what she had planned!

pigletmania · 10/10/2013 13:33

I wouldn't go, she only invited you because she was put into a corner, and the sloppy seconds treatment is hurtful. Fair enough her dd did ntwant your dd at her party, she is entitled to ask whose wants, you will have to accept that. Her treatment of you as a close friend who have known each other for some time is unacceptable. She could have invited you all another day for a little tea party to celebrate, but it seems as though she did not care! Just stick you onto the tail end as an afterthought to eat the dregs is hurtful!

pigletmania · 10/10/2013 13:35

And the text, not even a call to invite you. No wonder your hurt! Don't invite them to your kids party. Only invite f your kids want tem to come, and say only the child who it's same age as yours not all of them!

Oriunda · 10/10/2013 13:36

I hope your friend's DD is not being made to now un invite her friends to accommodate your 3. I would have a chat myself and stick with the 5pm tea.

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