to be Well Jealous of those with lots of family support ie Babysitting??

[mistyshouse]

my friend is jetting off to new york with her dh this morning and her 2 dcs are being looked after for the week by grandparents

this will never happen for me and dh. even though our dparents are relatively young (under 60) as MIL is a selfish arse who rarely babysits and then only for DD, as DS is not her proper grandchild (he is from my previous relationship, therefore she is not interested :( ) yet she constantly babysits her DP's GC who is not her bio GC (this whole MIL story, in itself, is a long story) and my parents both work full time and are not that keen on babysitting for more than a few hours at a time or at a push if we are desperate, overnight. but my mum has a knack of making me feel guilty about it and like a child again when i have to ask her.

we are having DC3 in april and babysitting will become even more scarce as who will want to look after 3 dcs?

aibu to be massively jealous a bit envious of the lucky lucky jammy bastards parents who have loads of babysitting options?

i wouldnt change having my dcs for anything but sometimes i would love a break

To those who say, just get a babysitter, where do you find them? There are no agencies here that I know of. I've seen two adverts in 7 years. I tried them both - one cancelled a few days before, the other didn't turn up on the night. I don't have any friends with teenage dc. Most of my neighbours are over eighty (we live in a bungalow). We have been invited to a party for the first time in ages and again, it will be one of us going on our own.

I don't think you're unreasonable. My parents both died long before my dcs were born. No one on DHs side has ever babysat for us. I did ask once but was called a selfish bitch. Never asked again. Even in an emergency they wouldn't help. I spent some time in hospital a while back, no children allowed on the ward so dh could only visit when they were in school. I worry what would happen if something put us both out of action. Foster care probably.

I'd love my dc to havethe great relationship I had with my grandma but its not going to happen. Her loss.

MIL is a selfish arse who rarely babysits and then only for DD, as DS is not her proper grandchild (he is from my previous relationship, therefore she is not interested

Happymummy, if she didnt babysit at all I would not call her selfish..but that ^ is just really shitty.

Recommendations from friends, for babysitters. Ours is crb checked, first aider, childcare certs all of it, and has references. You just ask around. Or you can advertise on local parenting/neighbourhood sites and check refs.

OP I think you need to change the way you are looking at this and focus what you can do to ease the pressure of having no family support.

We always knew we would have to do things for ourselves with zero family support.

We personally are not happy to use babysitters until our dc are school age, so we knew there would be at least 5 years where we would never have a date night. As there was no expectation we really don't miss them!

We get takeaway, wine and watch a movie or play a board game. Ds is in nursery part time and I'm only temping at the moment, so we have had a chance to have a couple of unexpected lunch dates when I've not been working! :)

We spoil each other with small gifts and treats. (I used to get very envious of friends who would get countless gifts and treats for themselves and their dc from their parents and inlaws)

We are saving for cruises/ family holidays when dc are older where they can go to kids club during the day and the evening and we can have time to ourselves.

We know that in the grand scheme of things, spending 5-7 years of without date nights/time off without dc is not a huge sacrifice to make.

The only part I'm sad about is that we are ttc and if we get lucky I know there is a good chance I will have to go through labour and the birth by myself without dp as we will have no one to watch him. And I doubt I will manage to time my labour+birth to his 2 days of nursery

thebody my friend's mother does have her own life, but a great deal of it is about her kids and six (soon-to-be eight) grandchildren. If you've ever been around religious people, you'll know that family is the greatest focus of all, and this family happens to be very religious. It works both ways, and I can imagine her six kids will be dedicated to her care when the time comes that's she infirm.

YANBU. No family help here, we have some family but no DPS or GDPs. Few friends offer either. When I was single, I used to ring my friends with DCs and if I was free a weekend night, offer to babysit, even if they hadn't asked, just to be a good friend. They loved it!
Now my friends expect we can get babysitters and peeved if we can't!!

I'd love a third child too but too old/ no space/ money so I am envious of you for that too!

My mum babysat my DCs. When my DCs have children, I'll babysit theres. Me & siblings took turns babysitting each other's children. Even when we fell out at times as siblings do, we managed that. I find 'separatism' (where there isnt a family riff, family trauma etc) quite sad "its not grandparents responsibility". Grandchildren are a 'responsibility?'. Isnt it supposed to be a joy? & if that includes babysitting then so be it, its quality time - DCs being with extended family. But with so many people busy being busy as if its a badge of honour nowadays I guess thats the way of it

jessieagain, If I'm near I'll do it!!

My mum couldn't wait to look after my boy. Unfortunately she passed away suddenly and unexpected when he was 4 weeks old.
I wish some people would appreciate the support more but you can't really until your there. I'm sure I would be moaning like anything at what she'd been doing or saying

No, YANBU, but there's probably nothing you can do to change it. We are lucky, DPs mother and sisters live nearby and will babysit with decent notice, and when things go pearshaped, e.g. Dd1 in hospital earlier in the year, dd2 needed looking after. We are same sex couple with involved donor dad, and grandparents. This has been very hard in lots of ways, boundaries, what everyone wants etc, but we are now moving to stage where dds can spend the day with them and we get to do other things. But we have put huge energy and effort into this. My point being that sometimes this kind of support isn't there, sometimes you have to work at it, and sometimes it is given freely. You can't really change it.

When your DCs are grown up and you are FREEEEEeeeeee to go on lovely holidays childless and your aged DPs or DILs are needing their incontinence pads changed you will be able to swan off guilt free as you don't owe them like other family members

Yes it's frustrating isn't it OP? DP's parents both dead and mine in N America so had no support.

I found it particularly hard when living in Glasgow as lots of tight knit extended families with people living next door to mum and around the corner from aunties and cousins. The support I saw others get was unbelievable.

Where it became a problem was at work when the assumption was that you couldn't possibly have childcare problems as there must be a relative around to care for Your DC. Um no.. I'm a foreigner! Almost every person I knew at work saved bundles on childcare by having their DC looked after part time or full time by grandparents. It was hard not to be jealous (even if spending that much time with relatives would drive me batty!)

I don't know what kind of budget you're on but last year we discovered a fantastic 4* hotel near us that offers 6 hours free childcare for every day that you stay. We have no family near us at all and I get so jealous of my friends who do have that support, so we booked a two night stay and it was amazing! They even have baby sitters for tiny babies who will sit in your room with the baby while you go for a posh meal. They also have self catering lodges where you still get the free childcare but do it all on a smaller budget We'll be doing this every year now, it was so great to get a proper break. Maybe there's something like that near you?

Where was this chocolateporridge?

Jealousy is a horrible feeling to have. I feel incredibly jealous when I hear about all the things MIL does for her other sons' DCs, and it was hurtful to see her treating our children as third best, so we gradually withdrew from her and now only see her 3-4 times a year although she lives 5 mins away. We are cordial but that's it. When she's old and needs help herself, I will find great satisfaction in telling her she can start reaping what she's sown.

We used to ask for her help, and she would agree in principle but then never actually follow through; when we needed her she would come up with endless excuses not to, she was busy with her other grandkids, she was doing adult BILs washing, and most memorably 'I do have my own life to lead'. I was due out of hospital after a painful gall bladder op and asked her to mind our kids while DH collected me; she was 'going shopping' so couldn't. Most importantly, she never attempted to form any relationship with our DCs or get to know them, never took them anywhere although she drives, never baked with them or read them a story. But I know she did all of this with her other grandchildren (who are all girls, when ours are boys - part of the favouritism reason I feel). I occasionally hear about how she is involved with them and it is hurtful. She picks her youngest granddaughter up from school and takes her to her house until her parents are back from work - we used to have to pay for after-school club. She visits her other DGD's in their uni accommodation miles away while she never once went to see our DS's flat which is ten mins from her house.

It is hard not to obsess about it all but ultimately it's self-destructive and pointless. I console myself by imagining the day when her actions will come down on her head as she will need us and we won't do it, or by having an imaginary rant at her in my head where I point out all the things she hasn't done! One day the rant might actually happen, as I have felt myself very close to erupting on the last few times she's visited full of tales of her other grandkids and how she's involved with them.

Oops sorry for the rant, that feels better actually!

I have a colleague whose parents moved across the world to care for her children. But you see, I wouldn't want that. We do have support, but it's not routine. It's the occasional night of babysitting, help in a real crisis, but no family members routinely care for our children.

Be careful what you wish for! I am certainly not jealous of people whose parents live in their pockets and have an opinion on every tiny thing about the way they bring up their children. Doing it yourself at least means doing it your way...

I would love it and to a certain extent we do benefit from lovely MIL who travels from Cornwall to London to help out where she can in holidays etc but due to expense and distance it only happens a couple of times a year We are lucky though and have lovely friends who babysit for us and us them so we can get out a bit more.

Answers like this really piss me off:
You don't have any right to expect this.
I can't believe all you people who want free childcare.
etc

I would just like my in laws to want to spend a bit of time with my child. I don't mind being there while it happens but I have really fond memories of weekends at my granny's and I'm sad dc won't have that. Spending time with family (so not as 'a guest') but without your parents is fun and different and through it you grow up with more people who have an impact on you in hopefully a positive way.

I wish people would stop seeing it as an entitlement to free childcare: you are very simplistic and dare I say a bit stupid and defensive.

YANBU. I have 3 and my parents are brilliant and have them when we are invited out or are at work. They took them away on holiday this year for a couple of days and the days me and DH spent together were good for us just being a couple and not Mum and Dad. They enjoy spending time with them and my Mum also says that she likes helping us out. She does the same with my sister too.

We pay it back, helping them out when they need it and me and my sister help each other out too. We are a family and are there for each other.

PIL are good at helping us out too and we help them out.

I don't expect this help. I ask and if they can do it, great. If they have other plans or just don't want to then this is fine too.

YANBU to want this but there might be lots of other things in your life that I may be envious about.

I agree with PepperGrinder. I don't understand those responses either or who the people are who make them - are you uninterested grandparents yourselves or parents who don't need/want help for whatever reason?

I too have lovely memories of time spent at my grandparents. They were endlessly patient and wise, teaching me to read and passing on their knowledge, taking me on day trips to the seaside and other favourite places. Also, they provided a link to an earlier time; the memories they recounted to me, funny turns of speech and sayings, their attitudes that came from a different generation - all priceless. I just feel sad that my children haven't benefitted from the same grandparent experience.

YANBU. Dmum used to take ds1 loads when he was younger. Ds2, due to health reasons, she is unable to. Whilst i ds2 still goes to visit her with me, even my dmum agrees that she doesn't have the same special close relationship with ds2 that she does with ds1. Unfortunately this is due to her failing health. If it was because she 'chose' this because she couldn't be arsed or wouldn't make the time for it, I would think she was a selfish arse! However dmil looks after ds2 whilst im at work mon - fri so ds2 is especially close to her. But then I come from a close knit family, everyone lives within 10 mins of each other (including brothers and sisters) and can always find a babysitter usually if needs be. I hope when im a gran id be able to help my dc out in the same way.