to be Well Jealous of those with lots of family support ie Babysitting??

[mistyshouse]

my friend is jetting off to new york with her dh this morning and her 2 dcs are being looked after for the week by grandparents

this will never happen for me and dh. even though our dparents are relatively young (under 60) as MIL is a selfish arse who rarely babysits and then only for DD, as DS is not her proper grandchild (he is from my previous relationship, therefore she is not interested :( ) yet she constantly babysits her DP's GC who is not her bio GC (this whole MIL story, in itself, is a long story) and my parents both work full time and are not that keen on babysitting for more than a few hours at a time or at a push if we are desperate, overnight. but my mum has a knack of making me feel guilty about it and like a child again when i have to ask her.

we are having DC3 in april and babysitting will become even more scarce as who will want to look after 3 dcs?

aibu to be massively jealous a bit envious of the lucky lucky jammy bastards parents who have loads of babysitting options?

i wouldnt change having my dcs for anything but sometimes i would love a break

[LiegeAndLief]

My parents live a 9 hour flight away, and MIL is a lunatic who I wouldn't trust with a goldfish (dh convinced me to leave her in the house with sleeping kids while we went to the pub about 6 months ago - when we came back she was so drunk she could barely speak. Never again). We have never had a night away from the children together (oldest is 7), but that doesn't bother me so much. I don't remember my own parents ever leaving us for the night until we were old enough to be left by ourselves, so it doesn't seem a normal part of parenthood to me.

We have a baby-sitting circle with good friends which works brilliantly. The dc are looked after by people they know well and we get a free sitter! Plus I actively enjoy sitting for my friends' children, I've known most of them since birth and now they are all at school we don't see that much of each other with dc in tow.

Life does seem a lot easier when you have helpful grandparents on tap though - things like child-free weddings, parents' evenings and work trips abroad have caused us problems in the past, without even thinking about before/after school childcare!

[KateSpade]

I live with my parents, who will look after DD whenever I please (though if I want to 'go out' I arrange it so I can put her to bed first) but what I would give to be in an appartment of our own, just me & DD!

[cantthinkofagoodone]

YANBU - we live a fair few hours from one set of GPs and the others aren't that into the babysitting but we do have the option every now and again and can swap kids with my SIL too. Without that support my relatioship with DH would have to work that bit harder.

My SIL uses both sets of grandparents for childcare whilst she works and then complains when they go on holiday. This really annoys me but I do remind her that they are free and nursery is not as I can't bite my tongue!

[pumpkinsweetie]

Yanbu to be jealous, we all have the green eyed monster at times.
Going on holiday without my dc for a whole week though, i wouldn't be jealous of that in the slightest as i would miss my dc way too much!

I think this is more about the fact your ils disregard your dc & i completely symphasise with you on that score!
Although i'm glad my ils never wanted mine overnight before nc as they turned out to be the toxicist people you could ever meet!

[Lifeisontheup]

We lived too far away from both sets of parents to get babysitting although my parents would come up to look after the first two if we went away for a weekend (they were too elderly when DC3 was born). We used paid babysitters, I had a trainee nursery nurse on placement and then used her plus an agency where I got to know a few of the sitters.

I did use friends but hated doing reciprocal sitting as their children were never in bed. Mine always were so babysitting was an easy job.

Once they were a little older 5-10 years old I got to know a 16 year old from church who lived round the corner so used her until DD was old enough to look after her younger siblings.

Used to go out a couple of times a month.

[hermioneweasley]

YANBU to be jealous. I am too.

[thebody]

stopgap, I did say that if there are health issues then of course families support each other however it's needed.

on the issue of how one is brought up! We are bringing up my children to be strong independent confident adults.

oldest 2 are now grown up and youngest are teens.

I would be mortified if I had so failed my kids that thry needed me to move in with them to help them take care if their kids for a year!!!

sorry that's not normal behaviour.

doesn't her mother have a job/ life apart from her dd and grandchildren. that's sad.

[JackyJax]

I can totally relate to you. I have 3 children the youngest of which is a year old. The boys' grandmother lives a ten minute walk from the school yet has never volunteered to pick them up- not once! I don't expect her to have all three but one would be nice. More than wanting her as a babysitter, I want her to have a relationship with my boys. She, however, is not interested in being a grandmother unless I am there. Instead she fills her time with breathing courses (I kid you not!) and lots of faffing. Completely her choice but surely she could manage one hour once a week for one child?

I also don't understand why she doesn't pop over one night a week to help out. My husband is out 630am-800pm so the afternoons are a whirl of after school clubs, playdates, violin practice, reading homework, literacy homework, meal making, baby juggling, etc. I would love for the boys' grandmother to come over and help eg snuggle on the couch and read a story for maybe half an hour or play connect 4 with one of the boys whilst I get on with all of the stuff that needs to be done.

What we have done is to get a babysitter- not sure what your finances are like- and down the line we plan to use her so that we can go away for a Friday night. Otherwise it will be another 17 years until we can do so (plus it's already been 8 years since we've been away alone).

And of course I chose to have children, of course I'm grateful to have them but when you are surrounded by friends who have very, very helpful grandparents, it can really affect you.

Wishing you lots of luck and just wanted you to know I can completely relate to you.

[Treaguez]

I've found it is really hard to communicate that I want my PILs to have a good relationship with DC. I say "I want" but what I mean is "it would be so so lovely and I cannot see the obstacle."

What I'm hearing over and over is that MIL worries about being taken for granted. We have twice asked for help, the last time 7 years ago. We've accepted if offered and always been grateful.

Once we needed help because dh and I were both coincidentally having surgery within days of each other: his major abdominal, mine minor but with recovery time. We had a toddler and just needed help. My parents both worked, MIL didn't at the time. She did come to stay but it was disastrous. (I was doing that British thing of downplaying the pain and needless to say I did not get the bed rest I should have had.) Anyone with half a brain could have assessed the situation and said: this couple need a bit of help, but no. It just never occurred to us that she would not want to

And since then we've both always felt that she thinks we would take her for granted if given half a chance. We wouldn't, we are just not like that. I don't know how to have a decent conversation with her about seeing dc. I don't know how to arrange things with her - even at her suggestion - because I'm on eggshells. So I let her blather on and offer without dates/times and usually nothing happens because she's like that.

[HootyMcOwlface]

I'm well jealous of people who get babysitting from GP's too. I worry that my and DH's relationship is going to suffer from the relentlessness of it all, like DickCrack describes.

[Whatdoiknowanyway]

I was in a babysitting circle and it was great. Re the point about not leaving your children with strangers - we had monthly meetings which we took it in turn to host so we got to meet all the other parents. At various points during the year we had family trips - picnics, pantomime etc. it. A lifesaver.
We had very little local family support so I used it if I was stuck at work or in traffic- quick phone call and another mother my kids knew would pick them up from school and take them to play with her kids.
Bonus is that I forged really good friendships over that time and still socialise with some of the families even though my children are now in their 20s.

[NUFC69]

GM here to three children - my DD and SiL have two (2.8 and .5), and my DS and DiL a 16 month old). I just can't imagine not helping with them. We have the 2.5 year old one day a week and will have the baby on the same day when my DD goes back to work. DiL is a SAHM but we have had my GD for her, just not very often, and her parents tend to babysit for them in the evening.

When we had our children we had no family anywhere near and had to use a baby sitting circle, but not until our DC were older. My DF and his lady friend did take my DS away for a week in a caravan when he was about four - how he enjoyed it.

We hope that we will be able to take our DGS away with us occasionally; we do have him for an odd overnight. It makes it all worthwhile when he says to us, as he did when we dropped him home the other evening, "can you come and stay with us, grandma?" I am sure he enjoys the two-to-one attention my DH and I can give him; we have a lot more fun with him than I can remember having with my two. My DH just loves it as he was away such a lot when our two were small so there are all sorts of things he can do that he didn't have the opportunity to do with ours.

Op, you're not BU to be jealous - I know how I used to feel all those years ago when we couldn't have a little bit of time to ourselves most of the time. GPs who aren't close to their GC really don't know what they are missing.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

YABU to call your MIL selfish for not babysitting, she has raised her children. You can be a grandparent without providing childcare and grandparents have no say in becoming one or to how many.

Whilst you may feel envious, i actually feel sorry for many grandparents. They are expected to babysit and are seen as selfish if they dont. DIL's appear to give lists on how to care or what to feed seemingly forgetting the PIL have raised children before. Some i see on the school playground look worn out from the constant demands from their adult children.

[thegreylady]

I love babysitting my dgc and do a couple of after school sessions every week.I also babysit when asked including overnight BUT I don't think we could manage a week unless it was an emergency.Two nights has been my maximum and that seems about right to me while the dc are young [mine are 4 and 7 now].

[GrandpaInMyBlender]

YANBU to be envious. My DM offers to babysit "anytime, anytime" but when I ask, I get "we'll see" and it never happens. I don't expect her to be at my beck and call but I kind of thought she'd quite like to spend some time with my dc but nope. I've stopped asking now though because its just a bit weird that she offers but doesn't.

[BikeRunSki]

I feel your pain OP. DM is nearly 300 miles away, PILs are 200 miles away. The DC are 5 and 2. Since DS was born 5 years ago, DH and I have been out together 5 times.

It makes me sad that my DC don't have the same depth of relationship with their GPs as many of their friends with local GPs.

I resent that I spend a lot of my annual leave visiting GPs. I hate the 6ish hour drive to my DM's with to DC and have still not worked out the best time of day to do it. And that much fuel is not cheap!

I hate having to sleep on an air mattress on the floor if DM or PIL come to visit us.

I hate that there is no respite for DH and I apart from what we can arrange and pay for. We don't have any emergency back up, other than friends who may or may not be free. I appreciate that this may well be the case with GPs too though.

And I really hate the childcare bill!

[Lifeisontheup]

My parents had a wonderful relationship with my DC's despite living 50 miles away. They visited as often as possible and I visited them, more and more when Df became less keen on the drive and they had them to stay when they were capable.
I find it hard to read that people think GP's can't have a good relationship unless they're on tap to babysit all the time. I just wish my parents were around to enjoy the DC's achievements as they head into adulthood.

[mistyshouse]

YABU to call your MIL selfish for not babysitting,

happymummy read the rest of it re my MIL and you will see why i think she is a selfish twat

in fact actually, just go away, as you only ever post twatty things

wish there was a hide poster button

[HappyMummyOfOne]

I did read it but still cant work out why she is selfish as she doenst want to babysit. Also forgot you can only post if you agree with the op, silly me

TBH, if thats your attitude then i'm not surprised people wont put themselves out for you. You chose to have children, its your responsibility to care for them not others. If you want help, then pay for it.

[nextyearitsbigschool]

My parents will have the children for the odd night and love to take them out a few times a year to the theatre or for dinner. They also love to pop over for a couple of hours some weekends or we spend a few hours at their house but they don't babysit at night - ever. Why should they? They both work, they have their own social lives and I would not expect them to give that up, they deserve it. When we want to go out we use a paid babysitter, just as my parents did when we were young. I am frankly quite surprised by how many people don't go out because they don't have family to babysit. There are plenty of reputable babysitting agencies which aren't too expensive and TA's / teachers / nursery nurses are often very happy to do evening babysitting if you ask them and that way your DC know them and you can be assured that they're competent.

[digerd]

SIL and DB were both very fit at 65 when the DD had another baby and had to return to full-time work. SIL and DB loved it. Even had the child so DD and DH could have a weekend break. The baby is now 8 years-old and they have been looking after her during school holidays . SIL insisted she pick her up to take home for good cooked lunch- no school dinners for her and take her back in the car.
DB and SIL are still as fit as a fiddle and full of energy.

[CuppaSarah]

We're really lucky to have good support from our families when it comes to DD, and as one of those lucky sods I can 100% say YADNBU. If I were in your position I'd be way worse an envious, I'd be bitchy and snidey about it. You're not saying you think they should have to babysit your DC, you're saying you're envious of people whose parents do babysit. Nothing wrong with a bit of envy. Anyone that says otherwise is just being unrealistic.

[impecuniousmarmoset]

Actually, I think grandparents who live nearby and are fit and healthy are selfish arses if they never ever babysit for their grandchildren. I'm not talking about major regular commitments - no-one can expect that - but the odd evening or hour here and there, every couple of months? No question.

Your responsibility to your children should not end when they turn 18; that's just bizarre beyond belief as a concept. You raise them to 18 then never spare a thought for them ever again?! Families help each other out where they can, because that's what families are for! If you refuse ever to help your adult children out in time of need, as far as I'm concerned, you're effectively opting out of being their parents, which is a pretty miserable thing to do to your children at whatever age.

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

My parents and PIL live a good 8 hours drive away.
My parents will take my DC out if they come to me or I go to them.
When they were babies/toddlers it was lovely when they took the baby out so that I could have some 1:1 time with my older child.

My PIL otoh ...
they have been to mine maybe 3 times (only once since I've had DC).
They constantly go on about "not seeing them" but it only happens if I Make the 8 hour journey (I drive, DH doesn't) to them.
They look after their other GC regularly and minded my DNephews while my SIL was at work. Then taking them to school. on a weekend they'd stay over.
But that was mainly because they were nearby.

When I was pg and DS was 2yo, we went up there.
The DNephews were there. Older one was staying with FIL , younger DN was going out.
I asked FIL if he could watch DS for a couple of hours while DH and I went to the shops.FIL was in doing things .
He was "too busy" .

Thanks and No Fu**ing Thanks I thought.

I never asked him or MIL to babysit again.

[MsVestibule]

I seriously don't understand the 'you chose to have them, you look after them' argument. Nobody on this thread has said they expect their parents to equally share the care of their grandchildren - just help them out occasionally. Maybe my family are a bit too Walton-esque, but we help each other out sometimes, and to me, that is normal.

I just can't imagine at a particular stage I'll say to my DCs "right, we've done our bit, you're on your own now". Of course I will bring them up to be independent and not constantly need our help, but if I can help them with the odd bit of babysitting, why on earth wouldn't I?