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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really exasperated at OH being mugged tonight?

124 replies

owhatashambles · 09/10/2013 00:39

He lost his wallet, his phone, cash. Second phone lost in a month. Can't help thinking he gets himself into these situations. He is not auditioning for Jeremy Kyle as far as I know but meant to be a mature professional. Guess who has to clean up the mess - cancel the card, cancel the phone, replace said cards and phone? Oh and be parent and hold down a pretty stressful job. Just want to scream rather than offer sympathy. Well I will make soothing noises as soon as he's back but am not impressed. Evil woman.

OP posts:
Mimishimi · 09/10/2013 10:09

You needed to put more of those qualifying details down in the first post because, without them, you sound like a heartless fishwife. It's the fighting habit I'd be worried about peronally. I can totally see how tempting it would be for street kids etc to take advantage of boozy idiots...

MrsWolowitz · 09/10/2013 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2013 10:16

It's the fighting habit I'd be worried about peronally.

And which fighting habit would that be?

BitterOldOtter · 09/10/2013 10:17

I imagine the OP feels it necessary that she sorts out getting the cards cancelled etc because they may have a joint account (which seems to be the overriding recommendation on here - there's always an OMG reaction when couples say they don't, in my experience) and if the cards aren't sorted, it will impact negatively on her and the children if/when any money goes missing.

TobyLerone · 09/10/2013 10:19

I genuinely cannot believe that you are blaming your husband for being attacked and stolen from.

I hope the same never happens to you.

LIZS · 09/10/2013 10:20

yabu to blame him but why are you doing the cancelling for him , in fact under Data Protection I'd have thought it had to be him.

Sirzy · 09/10/2013 10:22

If someone I cared about had been mugged then I would happily help them with things like cancelling cards if needed/able to. Surely that is part of being in a relationship that you help with little things like that when someone is having a tough time?

Binkyridesagain · 09/10/2013 10:24

What exactly has he done to deserve to be blamed for what has happened to him?

He went out drinking on a 'school' night
He tried to break up a fight.

Neither of these mean he is responsible for what has happened to him, neither does it show that he has a drink problem or a problem with violent behaviour.

claudedebussy · 09/10/2013 10:26

so....

i'd be very sympathetic - he's had a big shock.

but

you're obv very resentful that you're always picking up the pieces of his life.

so don't.

MokuMoku · 09/10/2013 10:31

I can see it must be frustrating if it keeps happening.

Lazyjaney · 09/10/2013 10:44

So how come on MN it's the victims fault for being drunk and irresponsible in assault and mugging cases, but not in rape cases?

The two are similar, surely?

Sirzy · 09/10/2013 10:45

Nobody has been able to explain that yet Lazy, some people have said they are different but with no real reason as to why.

I can only assume it comes down to gender again.

Dahlen · 09/10/2013 11:04

I agree that if the OP was mugged, he deserves nothing but sympathy and TLC regardless of how much he'd had to drink or how 'vulnerable' he made himself, etc.

I think the reactions otherwise come from the OP's exasperation. Loving partners don't generally react like that. The exasperation present in the OP is indicative that either she's not a very nice person who doesn't really love her OH (quite possible) or this mugging example is not actually a mugging at all but yet another example of a long list of behaviours where the main problem is irresponsibility that has a spin put on it so it's never his fault. Losing your phone in a fight is not the same as being mugged walking down the street. I suspect the OP is suspicious of the explanation because from her posts it appears her OH has a habit of fighting and losing his possessions. the fact that it is always the OP who apparently has to pick up the pieces, while also carrying the main responsibility for what happens at home, lends credence to this.

Or, ironically, it could be the case that the OP's OH is an irresponsible arse but on this occasions is a genuine victim.

Who knows? I'd reserve judgement until I knew the fuller picture, which is why I said if he's a victim he deserves nothing but sympathy but if he's an arse I can understand the OP's frustration.

TobyLerone · 09/10/2013 11:07

But even if he's an irresponsible arse, he doesn't deserve to be attacked and stolen from.

Dahlen · 09/10/2013 11:18

I think the point is that he might not have been attacked and stolen from at all. I think the OP suspects that her OH willingly got involved in a brawl and lost his stuff as a result.

But we don't know that, of course.

If I were the OP I would be loving and supportive through this, but putting in consequences for irresponsible, drunken behaviour in the future. For the sake of moral decency and being supportive to someone you love who has possibly had an awful experience, the only way to deal with this now is erring on the side of caution and believing her OH.

Lazyjaney · 09/10/2013 11:24

Oh I see Dahlen, he was behaving like he was "asking for it" so it's his fault.

TobyLerone · 09/10/2013 11:25

Bang on, Lazyjaney.

quoteunquote · 09/10/2013 11:30

Nasty, nasty to be attacked, nasty to live with someone who blames you for it.

Please turn down any jury service you are offered, if you explain you blame the victim of assault the judge will excuse you.

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2013 11:31

The OP has said he tried to stop one fight in the past!

There's an awful lot of reading into things here, rather than reading what's actually been posted.

Sure the OP might come back and say he has form for fighting, but she hasn't said that so far.

peachactiviaminge · 09/10/2013 11:31

Dahleen is it not possible that OP is just an uncaring spiteful partner? Or is that not possible as she's female?

SilverApples · 09/10/2013 11:34

This is like watching one episode of a soap.
I'm waiting for the OP to return with an extended and extensive list of complaints and lots of other previous incidents that she didn't mention in her posts.
Less dripfeed and more deluge.

Dahlen · 09/10/2013 11:37

Please don't put words into my mouth. Throughout all my posts I have made it clear that if the man was mugged he deserves nothing but sympathy and his behaviour leading up to the mugging is irrelevant. Point out one thing I have said that says he was asking for it. Hmm

The point I am making is that the OP clearly believes he's not really a victim. Why?

Either she's not very nice. Perfectly possible. Could well be the case this man is better off without the OP.

Or the man has form for putting spin on unfortunate events that actually turn out to problems he has created. He certainly wouldn't be the first person to jump into a fight that had nothing to do with him, in which he knows not who is instigator and who is victim, for no other reason than he likes getting in the thick of it. Losing/damaging your possessions as a result is very common.

Binkyridesagain · 09/10/2013 11:38

Can someone show me how you can highlight the 'between the lines' that some posters are reading on this thread.

I can't see anywhere that states he was drunk, I can't see anywhere that states he has a violence problem when drinking.

Why as a victim of criminal behaviour he must demonstrate his innocence.

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2013 11:45

Dear god but the man hasn't claimed he got into a fight last night.

The OP had one phone call in the past, saying that he'd tried to break up a fight.

Seriously, the OP has only made two posts. I don't see why they're so hard to read and understand.

Or is reading between the lines more fun for some people?

MokuMoku · 09/10/2013 12:15

I don't know. I think to always say that the victim is blameless is a bit naive.

Some people have bad luck but some people do seem to end up getting themselves in bad situations where bad things happen time and time again and I can see why friends and family would start to get fed up with that.

My brother for example has managed to lose four passports. Seriously, I have travelled a lot and never lost a passport. So I think once or twice maybe bad luck but four? You do have to question if perhaps he just isn't taking good care of them or selling them

Losing two mobile phones in a month especially if he has lost other stuff is really annoying so I would be running out of sympathy too, I'm afraid.