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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a little odd regarding a night out.

83 replies

drivingmisslazy · 07/10/2013 17:30

Not the most outgoing person, but started a new job and got chatting to someone and in conversation we both said we loved Indians and so do our partners, she casually mentioned we will all have to go out for a meal one day. Good I thought, so we arranged it for this Friday, got a text from her today and she said, "do you mind if I invite another couple, they are friends of ours"?

TBH I was really looking forward to going out the 4 of us, as its the first time I hardly know her and thought it would be nice to get to chat, also DH is incredible shy when he first meets someone new.

I text back that's fine as did not want to come across as (cant think of the word).

But AIBU in feeling this is a bit odd.

OP posts:
KalevalaForMePlease · 08/10/2013 06:29

I agree that she's probably just being sociable, but it got me thinking about this kind of thing. There's no way out for you with this kind of text, is there? I mean, when someone does that, send a message saying, oh, do you mind if we bring along so and so, or do you mind if we change the venue, etc., you can't say well, actually I do mind without sounding like the unreasonable one.

I have a friend who does this kind of thing. I'll text her and say if you're free come over for a cup of tea, and she'll text back with why don't you come over here instead? Now, what I'd like to text back is because I don't want to, but that makes me rude, so I end up either schlepping all the way over to hers, or desperately coming up with some sort of last minute emergency. I know it's not big in the grand scheme of things, but it irks me.

Oblomov · 08/10/2013 07:20

I agree. It's rude. You offer one thing and then at the last minute say that others are invited. Very rude.

Doubtfuldaphne · 08/10/2013 07:22

I find it really nice that you can bond over dinner while sharing your love for Indians.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 08/10/2013 07:30

Why not? The more the merrier...

Because Chrome as evidenced by this thread some people don't think 'the more the merrier' ?

Preciousbane · 08/10/2013 08:47

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CrapBag · 08/10/2013 10:01

YANBU!!

I have friends like this and it does my fecking head in. They invite so many people that you can't end up having a decent conversation because of the noise, then if you want to talk to a specific friends, you can't because they are talking to someone else.

I think some people (and I am thinking of one person in particular here) do it because they want to look like they are oh so popular and a social butterfly. Some people do think the more the merrier but they should understand that not everyone does. I certainly don't and I am borrowing the less the lovelier Grin.

I would actually view it that they are worried about conversation drying up with people they don't know well so they are inviting friends as a backup.

I find it rude really. I like to choose my friends and I like to catch up with them as we don't get to see each other that often, then there seems to be loads of extras and the evening is just crap.

Recently a friend invited us all over, great I thought, good chance for a catch up. She didn't tell us until much later that she was also invited some others who she had recently got friendly with (she made it sound like a couple of extra people). On the night, most of our friendship group couldn't make it, there were 3 of us and 6 of her 'new' friends. Some of them refused to even say hello to us, wouldn't join in with what we were doing and left early. Another was slagging off the place where I live (without realising that's where I live, she assumed I was from where we were). It was a shit evening and I hated every second of the whole awkwardness.

There is no reason to mix friends all the time just because you (not you OP) think the more the merrier!

LaQueenForADay · 08/10/2013 10:07

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ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 08/10/2013 10:10

I think it's rude. It is the first time you have all been out - it is to get to know each other, not sit on the side lines while they chat about things/people they are familiar with. She barely knows you, so it can hardly be that she thinks you and her friend will get along really well. Rude.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 08/10/2013 10:10

Yes, LaQueen, that's my reading of it too.

LaQueenForADay · 08/10/2013 10:16

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LaQueenForADay · 08/10/2013 10:21

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overmydeadbody · 08/10/2013 10:24

I think LaQueen is right, I would feel like this too if I made a vague suggestion of meeting up and someone actually went ahead and arranged it so soon.

I would feel very awkward going out with just DP and a couple I had never socialised with before, and so would DP, so I would be inclined to try to invite friends we already know along as backup.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 08/10/2013 10:33

"I just think plenty of people prefer to keep new friendships very blithe and casual...just while they get to know you, and decide whether you're really their cup of tea."

Yeah, I know I do.

Grennie · 08/10/2013 10:36

I don't suggest a social get together, unless I mean it. And am quite happy to go out for a meal with people I don't know well, to get to know them. If we end up not getting on, no real harm done.

LaQueenForADay · 08/10/2013 10:38

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motherinferior · 08/10/2013 10:45

And if you'd flagged up that your DH is shy, there may well be a slight worry that otherwise it's going to be a distinctly awkward and quiet evening...

Chill. Enjoy. People are often very nice. Meeting new people is usually worth giving a go.

LaQueenForADay · 08/10/2013 11:20

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PeppiNephrine · 08/10/2013 12:38

Is it an English thing, seeing rudeness everywhere? So many threads like this, someone acts slightly differently to you and its all: rude rude rude.
It's weird, especially when added to the other English thing of never ever telling them that you think its rude.
If you don't want to go with more people, just tell them you can't make it. What is the problem?

Grennie · 08/10/2013 12:40

Peppi - That would be considered rude :)

PeppiNephrine · 08/10/2013 12:48

Is there anything that isn't considered rude? Its a minefield for the forriners amongst us!

Grennie · 08/10/2013 12:49

Yes I agree it is. But decent people will understand you are a foreigner and so don't know our mysterious rules.

CrapBag · 08/10/2013 12:54

But I do think its rude to make an arrangement with someone new, then invite an old friend along as well. Invariably the woman will probably spend more time talking to her 'old' friend as she knows her so much more so the new friend will be sidelined.

5Foot5 · 08/10/2013 12:57

I think alot depends on how it turns out on the night.

If both couple are lovely and make the effort to chat to OP and her DH and get to know them then fine.

But if the other two couples just end up just chartting to each other and exclude the OP and her DH then that will be rude.

PeppiNephrine · 08/10/2013 12:59

See now that I get. But anticipating rudeness is different to seeing it....?

LaQueenForADay · 08/10/2013 13:00

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