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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think jamming a 22 month old in her room won't help?

83 replies

Stillhopingstillhere · 05/10/2013 09:48

My friend has a dd who is nearly 2. She has never been great with sleep but apparently it has got worse because now she gets out of bed over and over and over again and wakes my friend and her dh and their older child up.

My friend told me that they have resorted for the last few months to wedging the door handle so that her dd can't get out. Her dd then bangs on the door and screams for anything up to two hours before more often than not going to sleep on the floor behind the door. They've tried stairgates but she just climbs over (also climbs out of her cot). I suggested to said friend that possibly wedging her dd in a pitch black room maybe wasn't helping as her dd now gets hysterical even before bedtime. God knows I know how horrific it is with lack of sleep, my own ds didn't sleep through until he was nearly 4 but aibu to think effectively locking your dc in will not help?! I think I would get hysterical if I was shut in a dark room and no one would come. Friend describes her as "naughty". They had a very very placid first child who slept through at 5 weeks so I think the second one has shocked them a bit.

So aibu to think it's just wrong to shut a 1 year old in their room and then ignore them and also does anyone have any suggestions as to what else they could try? I have suggested a few things that helped ds but don't know if they've tried. Do think they're at their wits end. I did tell my friends did not agree with what she was doing, and that I don't think her dd is naughty - she's just got into a terrible bedtime routine which has now been made worse.

OP posts:
MrsCosmopilite · 05/10/2013 09:57

Difficult!

I think wedging a door shut is a real safety issue. What if there was a fire or emergency and they couldn't open it?

I'm having issues with my own DD (2.8) sleeping at the moment. She's fine once asleep, but actually settling is taking ages.

Despite doing so through gritted teeth, I am perservering with being ultra nice. Reward chart in place and stickers for various good behaviours. The new one (to be drawn up next week) will include "settling down to bed well". If all the stickers go on, there is a reward.
During the daytime, I'm trying to incorporate tiring activities. Yesterday was a 1 mile walk around a local park.

High-protein last meal of the day, making sure the room is not too hot or stuffy, having a night light on a timer, having soft music playing, story before bedtime, cuddles and reassurance. These are all tactics I use. Some nights more successfully than others.

There was a series on fairly recently about parents whose children didn't sleep well. Dr Tania someone? They tried out various techniques and after a few weeks (sometimes less) the issues were all resolved. I'm sure that must be youtube (not looked). Maybe find that and direct your friend to it?

HootShoot · 05/10/2013 09:59

That sounds so sad, I have a little girl the same age as her who isn't a great sleeper but I couldn't do that to her. Could they try putting her in a sleeping bag to stop her climbing out of her cot, it stops our dd being able to climb out.

Catsize · 05/10/2013 10:00

Sounds awful, poor kid! Makes me simultaneously angry and sad.
Find it a bit strange she is still in a cot. Perhaps they could engage her in buying a proper bed, choose her bedding etc. And a decent mattress, not a cheap uncomfortable one.

Original poster
Stillhopingstillhere · 05/10/2013 10:03

The sleeping bag might be an idea. Thank you.

We got our ds finally sleeping through with a sticker chart but I think friend's dd might still be a bit little to fully get the concept. I will see if there is anything on you tube. I know what you mean about gritted teeth! I felt the same with ds. I think that in the long run it must be better than causing further distress though which surely shutting a small child in will do. I'm not surprised she's got worse rather than better because bedtime just be very stressful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stillhopingstillhere · 05/10/2013 10:03

It's a cotbed but sides are still on in effort to keep her in bed!

OP posts:
MrsCosmopilite · 05/10/2013 10:04

BTW - we are still using a cot. Awful I know, but currently in a one-bedroom flat and there's no room for a cotbed. :(

Next on the agenda, working out what we can afford so we can move!

CoteDAzur · 05/10/2013 10:05

What is strange about a child who is not yet 2 sleeping in a cot?

ilovepowerhoop · 05/10/2013 10:10

it is perfectly normal for a 22 month old to still be in a cot. DS was in his until he was 2½ years old (he never tried to climb out though). If she is climbing out it would be safer to put her in a bed in case she falls.

HootShoot · 05/10/2013 10:13

I dont think it is odd to still be in a cot at that age. Only one of our friends have moved there ds into a bed and arehaving difficulties as he doesn't really understand he has to stay in it!

I think 22 months might be too young to understand a sticker reward system. Some might get it but I know our dd wouldn't.

Charlottehere · 05/10/2013 10:14

Nothing wrong with a baby of that age in a cot!

Canthisonebeused · 05/10/2013 10:26

What they are doing is not right on so many levels. My own dd was not a good sleeper until she started school. They could have a possibly 3+ years of this and whilst what they are doing is giving them a reprieve just now. I'm not sure it's conducive to any ones wellbeing to use it as a long term measure.

I think they need support and advice to be honest. Could you suggest they go to the H.V, if they didn't I would be inclined to call the H.V myself and report this as a concern.

Canthisonebeused · 05/10/2013 10:27

I think it's reasonable to still be in a cot at that age.

Catsize · 05/10/2013 10:44

Okay, sorry, stand corrected. Smile
We bought a cot and crib but never used them, as we co-slept and son was in a single bed at 13mths. He was very excited about it and has never done the pottering into our room in the middle if the night, not that we would mind if he did.
Seems in this case though, given that she is climbing out, that she would be better in a bed, and this was part of the reason for my comment.
Hate the idea of her being locked in.
Issues are a-storing me thinks...

ICameOnTheJitney · 05/10/2013 10:47

My DD did this and it took 2 weeks of me standing in the dark repeatedly putting her back into her bed. It was awful. She'd leap out yelling and I'd put her back in...she'd leap out again.

Now and then I said "Bedtime now." and eventually she stopped the getting out. But I was literally spending 2 hours doing this...it takes determination and massive patience. Locking the door is lazy.

campion · 05/10/2013 10:56

She must be terrified.'Hysterical before bedtime' doesn't sound good Sad

They need to work on making her feel loved and secure rather than ignored and abandoned.Sheesh.

peanutMD · 05/10/2013 10:59

My friends house was burgled when her son was 2, when the police visited they noted that she had a scarf tied on her sons door handle. When asked why she said he didn't stay in his room at night so she tied the bedroom/bathroom door together so he couldn't get out. The police contacted SS who visited and warned her to remove it as it was entrapment and if anything were to happen i.e a fire and her son died in that room she would essentially be charged with child endangerment and manslaughter.

hardboiledpossum · 05/10/2013 11:09

I think this is really cruel. I would have been absolutely terrified if my parents had done this to me as a child. I just sit with my 2 year old until he falls asleep. if they don't want to do that then why not try super nannys rapid return.

Bkwrm · 05/10/2013 11:12

Very difficult, especially as they get wound up for that long. Is the escaping being done just at bedtime? We have a similar problem with my youngest only bedtime is fine (as he's tired, has routine etc) only if he wakes up in the night instead of rolling over and trying to go back to sleep - he gets out of his room. This is at 2am - 4am. So then either he wakes his brother up (and us) or he goes and climbs on the furniture (toilet, into the bath etc) before managing to wake us - really not good! We have a door chime for his bedroom on order :) If they are also doing this I have a bit more sympathy for the barricade but should really be put in place when they are happily asleep.

Bkwrm · 05/10/2013 11:19

Really peanut? Oh dear. Was that because adults might not be able to undo? I assume the classic upside down door handle trick would still be ok then - people keep suggesting it to us although only well meaning friends etc to be fair.

valiumredhead · 05/10/2013 11:19

My friends house was burgled when her son was 2, when the police visited they noted that she had a scarf tied on her sons door handle. When asked why she said he didn't stay in his room at night so she tied the bedroom/bathroom door together so he couldn't get out. The police contacted SS who visited and warned her to remove it as it was entrapment and if anything were to happen i.e a fire and her son died in that room she would essentially be charged with child endangerment and manslaught

Someone needs to tell Dr Green that from the Toddler Taming books, he calls it the Patented Rope Trick Grin

hardboiledpossum · 05/10/2013 12:12

I work in children's services and I would be concerned if I knew a family were doing this or were turning the handle upside down. I think most children without disabilities would be able to figure out how to open an upside down handle fairly quickly anyway , though maybe not when frightened and hysterical.

redexpat · 05/10/2013 12:19

They're not the only ones if you believe the daily wail

If your friend has been doing it for a couple of months and the child still hasn't learned to stay in bed, then I think that either your friend hasn't been consistent, or that there are other issues. Either way she should be seeking advice from HV or surestart or finding some books in the library.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 05/10/2013 12:37

Why is it wrong to turn the handle upside down.

mummymeister · 05/10/2013 12:52

I think it is really easy for people with toddlers to come on here with their judgey pants on and say how awful this is on so many levels. but none of us have any idea how desperate the parents are, how this is affecting their relationship and that with their other child. sleep depravation is absolutely horrible and it makes you do things that with a normal amount of sleep you would never consider doing. what these parents need is a bit of help and support. could the OP suggest helping out one evening a week. do they have family that could come over and look after the children. some times a change of routine is what is needed to break the cycle. hands up all parents who haven't done something when exhausted that they wouldn't have done had they had enough sleep. I know I have. OP, ask your friend if you can come round tonight and they go out early evening. see if you can help. being a parent can be crap enough without others telling you how rubbish you are.

valiumredhead · 05/10/2013 13:03

I'm not sure how it's any different from using a stair gate.

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