To think jamming a 22 month old in her room won't help?

[Stillhopingstillhere]

My friend has a dd who is nearly 2. She has never been great with sleep but apparently it has got worse because now she gets out of bed over and over and over again and wakes my friend and her dh and their older child up.

My friend told me that they have resorted for the last few months to wedging the door handle so that her dd can't get out. Her dd then bangs on the door and screams for anything up to two hours before more often than not going to sleep on the floor behind the door. They've tried stairgates but she just climbs over (also climbs out of her cot). I suggested to said friend that possibly wedging her dd in a pitch black room maybe wasn't helping as her dd now gets hysterical even before bedtime. God knows I know how horrific it is with lack of sleep, my own ds didn't sleep through until he was nearly 4 but aibu to think effectively locking your dc in will not help?! I think I would get hysterical if I was shut in a dark room and no one would come. Friend describes her as "naughty". They had a very very placid first child who slept through at 5 weeks so I think the second one has shocked them a bit.

So aibu to think it's just wrong to shut a 1 year old in their room and then ignore them and also does anyone have any suggestions as to what else they could try? I have suggested a few things that helped ds but don't know if they've tried. Do think they're at their wits end. I did tell my friends did not agree with what she was doing, and that I don't think her dd is naughty - she's just got into a terrible bedtime routine which has now been made worse.

A mattress on the floor and dparents take it in turns to sleep in her room - makes night wakeups a short affair of return to bed and dc can start to feel more comfortable in her room. And a night light (maybe a gro clock?)

What maddening said or do co-sleeping.

How would you then move off the matress and back into bed? Gradual retreat or just stop doing it one night?

I'm interested for myself!

Hi as you mentioned your friend has an older child how about suggesting that the little girl can share with the older child so she is not alone but tell her she must be very very quiet so as not to disturb the older child. I think 22 months is old enough to understand that. I think this might be a good way to change things as it has all gone wrong and it would be good to do something totally different. They may need to do something nice for the older child to make up for sharing their room.

We have 2 dc who were terrible sleepers. We put their beds in our room and they were very happy and slept much better. I agree it is very strange to barricade a little dc in a room your friend is doing.

A friend of mine did this with her son. They took the handle off his bedroom door. He wasn't a bad sleeper, it's just that they were i rented accommodation and couldn't get a stair gate to fit the door frame. To keep him safe and make sure he didn't wander around the house in the middle of the night they shut him in. I found it disturbing.

I'm reading this and now thinking I'm doing wrong by closing DD's door at night. We have original doors and the handles are really high, should I not be closing them?
We have pets that would go in and out of her room if we didn't.

I think it's different if your child is happy and going to sleep.
It's the fact friend's dd is getting very upset and is now more upset because she can't get out and no one comes to her no matter how much she cries.

shutting the door is fine if your children aren't scared by this. if they are screaming on the other side of the door for long periods, this is a problem.

Some kids scream before bed whatever you do and even if the door is open. There's a difference between screaming in terror and pissed of screaming.

Oh, I'm sat with her while she screams in my face, I've never left her to fall asleep on her own but that's another thread on its own!

The health visitor should be able to help your friend, mine is coming out next week to advise on a sleep program for DD. They don't recommend controlled crying any more, they use gradual retreat and tell you how to put it in place.

quite a few helpful suggestions on this thread:

co-sleeping (you'd still get a better quality of sleep than knowing that your child was screaming in terror)

mattress on the floor so child can come in and settle

parent sleeping on mattress of floor in child's room

child sleeping in older sibling's room

bornoffrustration don't worry, if your little one is contented and happy having the door closed shouldn't be a problem, it's the leaving a young child (or any person in fact) crying their eyes out beating against a door that they can't get out of which is a worry.

valiumredhead I agree there is a difference between a frightened child and a 'little nero' trying to get their own way....but being trapped in a dark room isn't going to help with either reasons for screaming.

A couple of useful books that I've found helpful include 'why love matters' Sue Gerdhart and 'What every parent needs to know' Margot Sunderland..

my daughter is 2.10. She has recently gone through a phase of waking up 2-3 times a night shouting "mummy... mummy.... mummy" because her duvet has fallen off or she's lost her teddy etc.

We have (touch wood) resolved the issue by getting her to choose a nightlight hippo night light and then practising solving those problems with the night light in the day time.

For about a week she still shouted out, but we replied to turn the hippo on, we then had a multicoloured disco for about 1/2 an hour, and a week later she's confident sorting herself out with no problems... and full nights sleep for me!

i just wish i had thought of it 5 months ago

Good luck!

I very very much doubt that a 2 yr old has screamed for 2 hours a night, for months if the parents have been consistent

the locking or wedding of the door may make it hard for rescuers to get in in an emergency so it is different to a dc in a cot or door simply shut.

Gradual retreat is what I'm working on now, but also letting her know that being sneaky won't work.

We're fully potty trained for daytimes, but still use a nappy at night. It's been a very unsettling few weeks particularly (and we've only been potty trained 8 weeks), and I don't want to put added pressures into the mix.

Bedtimes this week have been varied because of all that's been going on, but we're now getting to a far more manageable time.

Sunday: 10pm
Monday: 10.30pm
Tuesday: 11pm
Wednesday: 11.30pm
Thursday: 9.50pm
Friday: 9.30pm
Tonight: 9.10pm

Daytime naps have been kept to a minimum.

Evenings have been tea at a reasonable hour, play for a short while (quiet toys only - jigsaw, teddies, building blocks), get into nightclothes and nappy, drink of warm milk with quiet classical music on, a story and a cuddle, teeth cleaned, last minute wee. Then we have cuddles on the bed with the light dimmed, before transferring to the cot. I sit on the floor beside the cot holding DD's hand. The musical nightlight goes on and I stay until it's finished. I then switch it back on and leave the room.

Last night and tonight she was insistent that she needed 'another cuddle' and then 'need a wee on the toilet, I do! I do' but having already checked three times before bed, and taking her again between bed and cot, there was nothing coming. Tears and tantrums. I calmed her down, got her to lie down again, and put the musical nightlight on and told her that if she didn't lay quietly I would have to take away a toy. It's been quiet ever since.

I really disagree with that too. Have they tried sitting with her quietly, stroking or singing to her for half an hour till she goes off. Then in time she should improve. A definite, loving routine with no negotiation or variation is good to. And if they play up during it eg. walking off during book time, just keep plodding on reading rather than entering a battle. I hope she stops this, it's very sad

Gradual retreat wound my ds up dreadfully, he hated it. Cc worked for us with a minute or two in between going back and reassuring.

I'd have co slept but he had other ideas

Gradual retreat worked brilliantly for us. We started off with cuddles, back-stroking, lullabies etc. and moved away from the cot during a two-week period (DS was 15 months at the time). We've never had to repeat the process (DS is now 2.2) and he loves his sleep so much that he asks for "nap time" before he's even sat down to dinner. We always close his door, too.

And he still sleeps in a cot. I have no plans to move him until he's at least 2.5, as I've heard transferral to a toddler bed too early is more likely to result in nighttime walkabouts.

YANBU it's cruel and only going to make their problems worse. They are thinking only of their needs and not the impact on their child. I have a shit sleeper, I spend half the night sleeping in his room. I stay by my children's beds until they are asleep (this takes five mins now because they are happy and relaxed not terrified). This poor toddler needs reassurance and love to enable her to go to sleep in her bed. It might take hours at first but it will help her in the long run. The method they are doing now is thoughtless and desperate and their daughter will get worse. She is not naughty because she doesn't want to stay in bed at her age. She is normal.

Transference to a bed should be the minute a child can get its leg over the side of the cot.