To want PIL to back off?

[Snowwhitehaditeasy]

PIL have been fairly overbearing since ds was born, he's now 4. I've posted previously under another name about the fact ds has to go over over single Sunday without fail and how we are never ever allowed to miss a week. I wanted this arrangement to cease one ds started school but thus far he's still been every Sunday as dh seems incapable of saying no. Apparently MiL has a huge sulk if ds isn't coming.

I think they are pretty damn lucky to see ds each weekend, especially given some of their past behaviour. My parents tend to see ds most Saturdays since dh plays golf every Saturday and if we don't see them we are on our own. However, we are not "contracted" into this, if something else comes up with friends etc my parents don't mind. I'm mentioning this because it's not like my parents see ds loads and PIL get a rough deal. In addition to this PIL have four children of their own, five other grandchildren (albeit all grown up) and two great grandchildren who are still small. My parents have me. That's it. They are both only children too and so am I so ds is the only grandchild.

Last week PIL came to babysit for ds (they are always asking to babysit -not for our benefit you understand, but so they can have ds). Mil starts up "next time he will have to have a sleepover at ours, my friend has has granddaughter every weekend."
That's nice, says I, but it's ok thanks. Mil is not put off "we'd love to have him on a little sleepover, maybe he could come once a month? You'll have to let him do it sometime, he's not your baby anymore you know. It's our right to have a little sleepover sometimes, it'd be lovely for us."

Which really pissed me off as we have recently discovered we can't have anymore children, and mil knows this. Ds doesn't stop at my parents either so again it's not like PIL are missing out to my parents. I felt like saying, well he's not your baby either is he? Generally the more they go on the more I dig my heels in.

The thing is my parents would never go on at me or dh like this so why do PIL think they have some sort of right? Aibu to want to say fuck off, you're lucky you see him as often as you do and actually it's none of your business whether or not he has a "little sleepover"?

With the best will in the world, do strap on a pair. Make other plans, do other things. People only control you when you let them. If you go there every sunday when you don't want to, thats not their fault, its yours. Don't go.

Tell them to fuck off! I can never understand why adults are unable to stand up to their PILs and parents.

This. Dealing with parents is the last bastion of "give in to tantrums, it's easier that way" even amongst people who wouldn't dream of raising children that way.

In general (there are exceptions) people don't first become grandparents when they are frail old ladies unable to face the world, they first become grandparents while they are working or have recently retired and are in reasonable health. In a generation's time we might see more people who are seventy (itself, hardly old age) when their first grandchild is born, but today it's unusual. And conversely, although a generation more people first became parents when they themselves had barely left home and were very much in their parent's emotional thrall, today it's far more likely that people are having their first children later, when they are in their late twenties or their thirties and are working and living entirely independent lives.

And of course, most of these problems arise with mobile, active grandparents who can just drop over and could (physically, at least) deal with a small child overnight: the frail, elderly grandparents aren't making these demands.

So why can't people just tell their overbearing parents to fuck off, either in effect or in terms? The people doing the fuckoff-ing are working, competent adults, and the people being told to fuck off are not usually not frail and housebound.

OP, either your partner tells his parents to fuck off, or you do. They might get upset. Let them. They are being entirely unreasonable ("rights"? FFS) but you are being unreasonable in hoping that it will change by some mysterious process of karmic resonance. They are bullies, your partner is a wimp, you need to sort it out.

You may have a point Golferman (not OP's dh are you?) - but it's not always that simple. Women are all too often brought up to be caretakers and the effect of that is to sometimes go too far in considering other's needs. Societal pressure, being judged for not 'being nice' - tends to be put on women.

Btw, do you ever tell you Dad or FIL to fuck off? Quite often the home and family is seen as the women's 'area'...people seem to forget the men in family friction between in laws.

I'm struggling to sympathise with you as I read your last thread and you got loads of advice on what to do. But you are still allowing the Sunday thing to continue AND you've allowed your DS to miss out on stuff with his friends to do it???

Why are you so weak that you can't say no to them?

I could have written a very similar thread.

When asked if my dd wanted to stay at GPs she said no, I never actually answered. MIL said 'You can't keep her forever.'

They believe (as does OH) that they must see dd at least twice a week. It happened when she was younger but now she's older it's a bit difficult to fit in during the week. the gymnastics class and the library and a visit to friends were very well planned

OH either works or goes to the football on a Saturday. Then Sunday we try and do something together but it will involve going to the ILs or them coming here at some point in the day usually bang on teatime or just before bathtime and dd is not in the best of moods but what do they expect

Get them to sleep over at yours once a month, that way he can be in his own little bed, give the details for any sunday activities or play dates he has, they can take him, and have a night away with your husband on your own.

That way they get the time together and you get some away time and space.

YANBU. Your ILs sounds horrendous. I'd just keep saying 'no' to the sleepover and, in addition, I'd start making some plans on Sundays. You're going to have to break this habit and be tough about it. Your DH is being weak and pathetic.

I remember your last thread, too.

You're going to have to put your foot down and stop this 'contract' because your DH is not going to do it. Who cares if she sulks, she is a grown up, not 2!

Why is DH the only parent who can say yes or no?

I remember your previous threads. Yes, your MIL is being a demanding bully, and her comments must feel incredibly hurtful when your know that DS will be your only child.

But until you do something to change things, your MIL will just make increasingly unreasonable demands. Your DH is a significant problem here, because he would rather facilitate you being bullied than stand up to his mother. But things will carry on like this until you say no. What do you care if MIL sulks? That's her problem.

I think that you also have to ask yourself, how much value do your ILs add to your DS's life? Does he enjoy going there every Sunday? Would he miss it much if it was reduced?

If you think he'd be happier going there less often then fuck what your OH and ILs think, do what's best for your son! You don't really want him spending too much time with people who have such little respect for you that they won't even offer you lunch, do you?!

Is your DH likely to sulk if you spoil his mummying Sundays? Is that what's holding you back?

He is only 4, he doesnt want to sleepover. You dont want him to. The he's not a baby comment was insensitive.
My son is still my baby, when I look at him I still want to look after him like I did when he was a baby and I miss him when he is out doing fun stuff and at weekend long sleepovers, he is 15 and a half!
My point is kids are only little and can be bothered to spend time with you for such a short time, make the most of it.
You and your husband need to consistently say NO.

Oh friday16 said what I mean way better and with more swearing.

Please just say no to your MIL. I read your last thread and it sounds as though she has taken away much of the last 4 years of yours and DS time together. There are so many lovely things to do on a Sunday- going swimming, meeting friends, feeding the ducks, going to school friends parties, cinema trips etc. Is your DS never to be allowed to do this because he has to spend the entire day at his grandparents?

TBH I think trying to get your husband to stand up to them is not going to work (I've been in a similar situation and tried!). He has probably been bullied and cowed by them and TBH sounds like he has an easy life - golf on a Saturday and roast at his mums on a Sunday.

The only person able to change things is you. Personally I would book some events every other alternate Sunday to gradually get the GPs into the routine that it is not going to be every Sunday visiting time. Make sure these are things that can't be got out of as then it's the ideal excuse. You can just say "oh we can't come this Sunday as we have already accepted little Johnnys party invite" or "I've booked us all cinema tickets and paid so I'm afraid we can't see you this week".

If you want to you can offer an alternative to them such as coming over for tea after school in the week or joining you on the day out but you shouldn't feel obliged to do this all the time.

If MIL then chooses to sulk it is her problem - you don't have to see her so just ignore her. If she really wants to see her grandson she will come over - if she just wants to make a point about her "rights" then more fool her. For the sleepover just say "we feel he is too young at the moment - we'll discuss it again when he is 5" and then leave it.

Remember you have just as much right as your DH to decide what you and DS are doing every Sunday - him and PILs do not call the shots.

Good luck!

I think you need to point out that it won't be long before your ds realsies he is missing out on fun things (like parties) because of his grandparents. Fine way to make him resent and hate going isn't it?

And sleepovers are fine when they're ready. Mine were all ready at different ages. Dd1 was 5yo, dd2 was 4yo, and ds is 6yo and says he only wants to do one if I come too.

But again setting it in rigidity "once a month" is not a good idea. If she approached that idea again then say that now he's at school there's things at the weekends that he wants to do, and you won't tie yourself down.

I'd like to second frokens response- it's clear, direct, polite and non-confrontational.

This is in your control to change, not theirs. But you do need to do something rather than just be expecting them to suddenly change their approach.

Oh and btw, the sulking is irrelevant, because if that's how you treat it then that's what it will be.

I wouldn't find someone playing golf or a sport that took up the whole day for one day every weekend acceptable at all. I go running every Saturday but I'm done by 10am!

I remember your last thread too OP, sad they are still being overbearing.

He is and always will be, your baby. I think as your husband isn't willing to step in and just say 'no', it's going to be up to you to do this.

It won't kill her to be told DS doesn't want a sleepover. It won't kill her to be told he has plans.

The next time she starts saying what you have to start doing because he's not a baby, just say you don't have to do anything at all, and you'll make plans as and when you see fit.

What happened last time? Did you go to the castle for the day? What did they say to that?

Is this still going on?!

Just say NO. It really is that simple. If you refuse to leave your house on a Sunday, what do you think is going to happen? You must have missed out the bit where your MIL comes round to abduct you at gunpoint because if she's not doing that, who cares if she gets in a huff?! Tell your spineless DH to go round and wipe her tears

Are you honestly making your DS miss out on other things because of this?! Poor kid.

I really don't see why you allowing this to continue

All that "he's not your baby" and "it's our right" stuff is horrible.

I would start first by not making him miss out on things with his friends if they happen to fall on a Sunday. You will need to be firm with both your DH and your ILs. State it as fact! This is what's happening!

Then reduce another Sunday a month etc.

I was also wondering when you and your dh get family time just the 3 of you seeing as he spends all Saturday playing golf and insists your little boy goes to his parents on Sundays!

You could use a bit of emotional blackmail there! Ask him why he doesn't want to spend time alone with his son?

Doesn't he ever want to take dc swimming etc? Teach him to ride a bike? Walk in the forest? When does he get time for this? These are Sunday activities for a lot of people.

I have had similar with my DH wanting to take our dc to the ILs every week. This though, was because they treat DH badly and he thought that by them seeing dc a lot he would get their approval.

your child, your choice and YES he IS your baby. Stand up to them and now, your his mother and its up to you. so what if they sulk!!

one thing I would mention is that your right they don't have any legal rights but if push came to shove they can prove that EVERY week without fail they had contact....and who knows if the law changes. I hope to god it wont as we have been no contact for years.