To want PIL to back off?

[Snowwhitehaditeasy]

PIL have been fairly overbearing since ds was born, he's now 4. I've posted previously under another name about the fact ds has to go over over single Sunday without fail and how we are never ever allowed to miss a week. I wanted this arrangement to cease one ds started school but thus far he's still been every Sunday as dh seems incapable of saying no. Apparently MiL has a huge sulk if ds isn't coming.

I think they are pretty damn lucky to see ds each weekend, especially given some of their past behaviour. My parents tend to see ds most Saturdays since dh plays golf every Saturday and if we don't see them we are on our own. However, we are not "contracted" into this, if something else comes up with friends etc my parents don't mind. I'm mentioning this because it's not like my parents see ds loads and PIL get a rough deal. In addition to this PIL have four children of their own, five other grandchildren (albeit all grown up) and two great grandchildren who are still small. My parents have me. That's it. They are both only children too and so am I so ds is the only grandchild.

Last week PIL came to babysit for ds (they are always asking to babysit -not for our benefit you understand, but so they can have ds). Mil starts up "next time he will have to have a sleepover at ours, my friend has has granddaughter every weekend."
That's nice, says I, but it's ok thanks. Mil is not put off "we'd love to have him on a little sleepover, maybe he could come once a month? You'll have to let him do it sometime, he's not your baby anymore you know. It's our right to have a little sleepover sometimes, it'd be lovely for us."

Which really pissed me off as we have recently discovered we can't have anymore children, and mil knows this. Ds doesn't stop at my parents either so again it's not like PIL are missing out to my parents. I felt like saying, well he's not your baby either is he? Generally the more they go on the more I dig my heels in.

The thing is my parents would never go on at me or dh like this so why do PIL think they have some sort of right? Aibu to want to say fuck off, you're lucky you see him as often as you do and actually it's none of your business whether or not he has a "little sleepover"?

Yes, and you are only responsible for your own emotions - stop worrying about other people's!

I'm sorry you are in such a crap situation but why are you letting it happen? I don't agree that your DH is the problem, you're a grown woman and are perfectly capable of saying "DS has been invited to a party this weekend and he's looking forward to it, so we won't be coming round".

Who cares if she sulks? Would you let your DS have everything he wanted just to prevent him from sulking? No, so why treat an adult this way.

And as for the sleepover, a blunt "no he doesn't have to go anywhere actually". And repeat.

" you're a grown woman and are perfectly capable of saying "DS has been invited to a party this weekend and he's looking forward to it, so we won't be coming round".

Who cares if she sulks?"

I agree. If she does sulk I'd just say to her that if she loved him she'd want him to be happy and not miss out on things! Give her some of the guilt.

If your ds doesn't want to, then that's that. He doesn't go. Its not about them. She has no rights as such. And your ds shouldn't think she has either.

If you don't want him to, then its the same. Do they want him every Saturday night?

And if your ds has stuff on a Sunday, well, the pil will have to not see him, no dropping in etc. your ds will resent them as he gets older. I wouldn't want to see my pil every weekend anyway.

Your ds has a right to his own social life and its very unfair to expect him to spend every Sunday at granny's and every sat your dh is golfing?! Really? I hope you and your ds go and do stuff. Your dh has got himself into a routine. Was he always at his mums every Sunday even when he left home?

YABU in that you expect this to resolve magically. There is a solution and it involves being firm. However YANBU because by CHRIST she sounds like a pain in the neck.

^ this.

Are your PILS going to suddenly become reasonable and back off? Is your DH suddenly going to stand up to two people who raised him and dominated him from birth?

YOU need to get DS in the car on Sunday and take him out, YOU need to say, he is going to a party this week, YOU need to say to your DH I am not putting up with this any more and YOU can leave it to explain and deal with your DP's about it.

You have two choices, carry on as is, getting worse and worse....or take the hard road, stand up take the flack and put your foot down.

PILS are used to getting their own way, you need to start to train them, actually its your way or the highway.

If you flouted their insane demands Snowwhitehaditeasy, what is really the worst that will happen?

Your life sounds terrible.

Are you a child or an adult.

No is a full sentence.

Golf?

Arrange something else fun for your Sundays.

Who gives a shit about pils massive sulks.

Wat would you like to do? And DO IT!

Your MIL is beyond rude. From your other threads, if you go round, she doesn't give you any lunch, and your DH lets her treat you like that.

She cares so little about you, why do you care what she thinks?

If she sulks (oooh! that's mature!) then let her. Sulking only works if people take notice of it. In fact, sulking is a fabulous response for her, because it takes no energy on her behalf, and yet gives her all the power and control.

Anyway, you don't even go on Sundays, so how is some sulking going to affect you.

Your DH has to see you stand up to her, to realise that it can be done.

We had a similar situation with my MIL for the first approx 10 years of our relationship. Then my DH started to see that he had to give priority to one or other of us. He couldn't please everyone all the time, because sometimes me and MIL wanted different things to each other.

So, he chose. Me, luckily. But she didn't make it easy for him, I can assure you.

Your DH is the problem simply.

Exactly this!

My MIL, if left unchecked, would be exactly like yours. When DC1 was born, pushed to have her overnight, complained if we weren't over there at least once a week, wouldn't let go of her if she cried etc etc etc, I could go on! Truly, my MiL would only have been happy if I had shipped DC off to live with her! The only thing that saved my sanity, and my relationship, was that DP is willing to stand up to her.

I also think it doesn't have to involve a big confrontation. If ds has a party invite - ask him what he'd like to do, and if he chooses to see his friends, let him do that. It's unfair to make him miss out on socialising with peers for the sake of sulking grandparents. Tell dh he will have to back you up or his parents wishes will start to affect his ds's social life. Ds is school age and parties/playdates with friends from school will only become increasingly important. Your PILs also need to accept that.

"as dh seems incapable of saying no"

I think it's time that you started saying no.
Can't you arrange a few things for the weekend just for a while to get teh point across?

Hi Snow
I remember your previous thread - As no one else is stepping up to change it is going to fall on your shoulders to make the break. Some one up thread said it - what's the worse that can happen ? She sulks.

How about mixing it up - invite them over for tea / get DS into a footy club on Sunday morning and invite them to watch in the touch line. Take control back. And please for the love of all that is holy don't run a meter on how much time each individual GP spends with YOUR son. Even amounts of time are completely meaningless and frankly you have bigger challenges ahead with weaning your DH from his golf.......but that's another thread
Small changes Snow - doesn't have to be revolution

Please next Sunday say no to your inlaws and make alternative plans.

I have an incredibly similar situation with my pil who wanted to formalise 3 visits a week. I said no. We go roughly once, but it is not on a set day and if we are especially busy we miss it.

Yes a relationship with grandparents is important but this situation isn't fair on you.

How much contact though does it take to have a " relationship" with the GP?
I only saw mine a few times a year, to sit on the sofa whilst my DP had a good chin wag with them. They never took me out, never played a board game with me. They had tons of GC and I was one of the last.

I have fond memories of them, I knew who they were their " essence". I dont feel I missed out because I didnt have "personal" sleep overs with them etc.

When do you get time as a family? When do you get to do your thing? Or is dh's golfing Saturdays 'contracted' too? It sounds like everyone is getting something they want out of the weekends apart from you. You seem to be going along with what's being dictated to you.

The danger is ds will end up being dictated to as well. You need to advocate for his needs - he isn't 'contracted' to spend each Sunday with his gp's and neither are you. Tbh I couldn't live with that arrangement - far too restrictive and I actually would resent it. But then it wouldn't happen as I'd just say no. Tough if they don't like it - it's not all about them. And I'd be having serious chats with dh about the golf as well - again shouldn't be written in stone. What does he do for you, in exchange for his golfiing days?
You're being way too nice - your dh is taking the piss.

Just say no. Take your DS out for the day yourself. Stop in and watch crap telly. Make buns. Do crafts. Make a mess. Do whatever the fuck you want to do with YOUR child!

And if they don't like it, tough shit. And if your DH doesn't like it tell him his parents have had him every sunday for the last 4 years, its now your turn. You gave birth to him, you are his mother. He is at school F/T now I presume so weekends are even more important as you only get 2 days of quality time with them. Thats why contact orders between parents usually split the weekends and holidays in half as it's seen as the quality time.

Honestly just tell your DH on friday what will happen at the weekend. Its his place to tell his parents not yours. And if he doesn't support you on this then LTB and let them all fight you for contact. At least that way you will get every other weekend with your DC.

What did you and your husband do before having kids? Most young couples don't spend most of every weekend visiting their parents before they have kids so I wonder how you fell into doing this post kids. What have you given up that you used to do?
I think part of the reasons marriages can fail is couples not doing stuff together any more so I'd be wanting to have a large chunk of time on a Sunday when the 3 of you go and do stuff together.
If he wants to keep visiting his parents you may have to vote with your feet initially and say you and your son have other plans and you want to stop this pattern even if he doesn't.
You mainly need to discuss what you both want out of your relationship though.
He sounds as though he's always been a bit of a mummy's boy though as my husband would hate to spend every Sunday with his parents and hates being "mummied"

YANBU but like others have said it is clear if you don't like this arrangement you will have to do something to change it rather than just hoping everyone else will change. That's just not going to happen.

And I'd also be having words with your dh about golf every Saturday. At the moment he has it all his way. All day at golf on sat and all day at his parents on Sunday. Fuck that. While it's important for him to have time for himself it's also important to have family time and also for you to have time for yourself. So golf one weekend a month, one sat a month for you and the other 2 as
Family time. Or whatever arrangement works for you you.

And his parents can start to fit around what works for you. That's you all, not them and your dh. So, some sundays if you don't have other plans. Sometimes asst your house. And sometimes other days / out elsewhere.

And you could pitch it to him that if he wants to spend more time with his parents it can't be at the expense of family time. So if he wants to go and spend all of Sunday there then he forgoes golf. His choice

OP I havekind of the exact same problem since ds was born 15 months ago, every single sunday they turn up here at half 2, dressed to the nines, stay for an hour expect cups of tea non stop then piss off to the pub. It irritates me they stink of smoke constantly too so ds always does too after theyve held him. Ds doesnt want to sit and be held now he wants to wander around but mil still thinks of him as a 1 month old baby that she needs to cuddle, does my head in constantly, and god help him if hes having a nap when they get here, fil whistles and sings till he wakes up then acts all surprised, oh sorry did i wake him up then..... piss off fil.

Theyve been away for the past 2 weeks and its been absolute bliss! Ive told dp from now if they ask to see ds he can take him to there house, not to drop him off but to stay there for an hour or 2, then come home again. I think you need to start doing the same thing and stand up to them, as others have also said if there are any classes or groups available on a sunday please book your ds in for them, even if you just take him to a museum for an afternoon on a sunday, just do it.

They need to get out of the habit of demanding when they see ds, the only way this will happen is if you stand up to them, let them moan, let them cry, who cares! theyve had there children to raise, now you have yours. Please do it this weekend and dont be writing the same thing this time in a year. Theyve taken 4 years from you already, it must stop now!

Tell them to fuck off! I can never understand why adults are unable to stand up to their PILs and parents. I am constantly telling my mother and MIL to fuck off and not interfere (thank fuck we live 500 miles away from both). Maybe we men are just more assertive and don't take any crap.

Your MIL is a bully.

Your DH is a wet excuse for a husband and father.

Pre-children DH and I were in the habit of going to see his parents every Sunday and I went along with this for a while and then changed it to Saturday to get it over with. I then told DH I did not want to see his parents every week. We both worked full time and I wanted us to just do our own thing on a weekend. Once our children came along I saw them alone but we were also asked to go lots at the weekend. I went as DH wanted to see his parents and I wanted the children to know their only grandparents.

Now we don't see them that much and the kids will go and stay for the day or over night without us. DC1 was 4 before he slept over and I hated it.

No rights, just a desire to see their child and grandchildren a lot but I felt I needed to keep an eye as they are my children and I will do what I think is best along with DH.

You have always done this so of course your MIL expects it to happen every week but it is irrelevant that a friend has her grandchild to sleep. If she asked nicely and didn't act like a twat when you say no then I would say try and take him but no, enough now.

You will still feel like this if you still do this and nothing will change but your DH needs to man up or else you deal with it.

I remember your last thread. This is ridiculous. Just don't go.

I sometimes still call my 7yo ds "baby boy" (not in front of his friends!). He tells me indignantly that he isn't a baby. I tell him that he will always be my baby, even when he's all grown up and bigger than me. And so will your ds be.

i remember your last thread!

some great advice here re changing sundays every week

i wouldn't use for babysitting at all - but thats just me :)

your DH is going to have to grow a pair