To want PIL to back off?

[Snowwhitehaditeasy]

PIL have been fairly overbearing since ds was born, he's now 4. I've posted previously under another name about the fact ds has to go over over single Sunday without fail and how we are never ever allowed to miss a week. I wanted this arrangement to cease one ds started school but thus far he's still been every Sunday as dh seems incapable of saying no. Apparently MiL has a huge sulk if ds isn't coming.

I think they are pretty damn lucky to see ds each weekend, especially given some of their past behaviour. My parents tend to see ds most Saturdays since dh plays golf every Saturday and if we don't see them we are on our own. However, we are not "contracted" into this, if something else comes up with friends etc my parents don't mind. I'm mentioning this because it's not like my parents see ds loads and PIL get a rough deal. In addition to this PIL have four children of their own, five other grandchildren (albeit all grown up) and two great grandchildren who are still small. My parents have me. That's it. They are both only children too and so am I so ds is the only grandchild.

Last week PIL came to babysit for ds (they are always asking to babysit -not for our benefit you understand, but so they can have ds). Mil starts up "next time he will have to have a sleepover at ours, my friend has has granddaughter every weekend."
That's nice, says I, but it's ok thanks. Mil is not put off "we'd love to have him on a little sleepover, maybe he could come once a month? You'll have to let him do it sometime, he's not your baby anymore you know. It's our right to have a little sleepover sometimes, it'd be lovely for us."

Which really pissed me off as we have recently discovered we can't have anymore children, and mil knows this. Ds doesn't stop at my parents either so again it's not like PIL are missing out to my parents. I felt like saying, well he's not your baby either is he? Generally the more they go on the more I dig my heels in.

The thing is my parents would never go on at me or dh like this so why do PIL think they have some sort of right? Aibu to want to say fuck off, you're lucky you see him as often as you do and actually it's none of your business whether or not he has a "little sleepover"?

I remember your other thread too - as others have said, the only way this is going to change is if you put your foot down to PIL about how often your DS goes over there. Speak to your DH first and tell him you expect his support in this. You could both maybe come up with an alternative to suggest to PIL (one Sunday in 3 maybe but this will depend on other things that may crop up).

If I remember rightly, they don't live that far from you either? Next time you want to have alternative plans for a Sunday, offer to have them over for tea one night instead - that way you're still giving them the opportunity to see him. If they're so desperate on a Sunday they'll look pretty foolish for turning down a visit in the week but it puts the ball in their court and stops any accusations of you trying to exclude them. If they kick up a fuss, ignore, ignore, ignore. He's your child and visits should be on your and his terms, not theirs.

It might get a bit chilly with them for a while, but nothing will change until you (and more importantly, your DH) stand up to them.

I remember your other thread.

YABU in that you expect this to resolve magically. There is a solution and it involves being firm. However YANBU because by CHRIST she sounds like a pain in the neck.

My DH used to see his mums (my MILs) mother in law (if that makes sense!) once a year and she lived 3 miles away. This was because His mum (my MIL) wanted to spend time with her kids and couldn't be arsed taking them to grandma. Different story now. Mil lives round the corner and wants DS all the bloody time and gets the huff like yours. I'm much firmer tho. Couldn't care less if she has the huff.

She's raised her fasmily now you're raising yours.

Make plans for this weekend - somewhere nice for you, DS and DH to go. Text MIL to say "can't make it this Sunday -we've got other plans. Hopefully see you next Sunday!" Let her sulk!

Are you the person who posted about not being able to take your DS to an event at a castle because of the PIL Sundays and also that you weren't welcome there and if you go too they feed everyone else and not you? Did you go to the castle in the end?

Your PIL are clearly selfish and unpleasant but your first battle has to be with DH so that you are both in agreement and putting the new system to the PIL as a united front.

Reception and Year 1 there are likely to be loads of parties on weekends and if you turn down all of them because of this, it can have an impact on settling in and getting to know other parents (as well as DS missing out).

Yanbu. Just say no.

I think your dp is unreasonable playing golf every Saturday and then wanting to see his parents every Sunday. When do you get family time just the 3 of you?

Could you take ds to see pils every other Saturday and see your parents every other Saturday?

Regarding the sleep over just casually say something like "oh that would be lovely every once in a while, I'll letyou know when something crops up and we need a babysitter. I can't think of any time in the near future but your first on my list of people to call when we need help, thanks for offering"

I waited for years for my DH to tell his dp to back off. He never did. I'm afraid that YOU are going to have to do it.

The sleepover thing is easy. If she mentions it again you just tell her that you asked your DS and he doesn't want to. End of story. It's not you being difficult, it's your son not feeling that he wants to go. Sod lovely for them, surely the most important consideration in this is your DS?

IIWY I'd also start going out at least every other Sunday. What's the worst they can do?

I agree that your problem is your DH. It would drive me nuts to be I your position. I wouldn't want to be obligated to see either my parents or my PIL every Sunday.
Do they have any other 'hold' over you such as lending you money etc.

If your DH plays golf on Sunday then when do do things as a family?

I wouldn't tell your pil that sleepovers are off because ds doesn't want to, because they sound like the sort of people who would then put pressure on him to eery yes.

You have to start accepting things to do on a Sunday with his school friends, and just tell them. And your h.

And have you asked your h why you and ds are so low on his priorities? Why he's happy for his soon to miss out on some of the important elements of making friends and fitting in at school?

Is there any activity that your DS would like to do that happens on a Sunday? I'd sign him up for it, tbh. You've let these people rule the roost for 4 years now, time to stand up to them. Your DH isn't going to do it, so you need to.

There is no need for them to have him for a sleepover, especially if he doesn't want to. My MIL does have DS1 for sleepovers every now and then but I strongly resisted making it a set weekly thing; and he actually wants to go, partly because it isn't a routine thing, it's a treat for him.

If the ILs are so bloody rude to you when you go there as to not feed you, then why the bloody hell does your DH not say something to them?! I'd be incandescent with rage over their rudeness!

Agree with most others your DH is the problem here he has allowed this arrangement to continue for far too long and I can't see him changing it now so I think you will have to take action. Once he start school it would be unfair to expect every Sunday you're committed to them even if they don't live far away.

however I wouldn't rule out sleepovers in time if the expectations could be set correctly. If your DH is golfing Saturday and you are with them Sundays when do you ever have time to spend to yourselves a sleepover might actually do you some good?

Agree with Thumbwitch. Sign him up for swimming classes or sports on a Sunday afternoon. Then if you make a fuss you can maybe pop in for an hour beforehand, but you will have a definite time for leaving. And he will be too tired afterwards, so you can't possibly call in then. Seriously, you need to take back control. They are not in charge of your DS.

The "it's my right" comment would have prompted a retort from me on how they don't have rights in regard to my child, my child has a right to see them which is already happening but will happen less often if they come out with a comment like that again.
If you don't want to go every Sunday you sort this out with your husband. Start having your own social life outwith your extended family.

I remember your last thread. Did you take your DS out the following sunday instead of him going to his GPs?

I can see why you are hurt, but it's your husband being unreasonable as well as your MIL. He plays golf every saturday then lounges around at his mothers watching sport and eating a roast every sunday? When do you have any family time together?

Agree with everyone else, just say no.

Also wanted to add - he will ALWAYS be your baby. Even when he's a big, lumbering, smelly teenager.

I also remember your previous thread and had a lot of sympathy then. However, as someone else said things will only change if you make them change as it looks like no-one else is going to. I think you either need to do something about it or acknowledge you are not going to and just accept it. This approach of giving a whole lot of emotional energy to it but not being prepared to tackle it cant really continue. If I were you I would simply just start accepting other invitations (where reasonable) and take the consequences.

What AbiRoad said. And I agree with the others that your DH is having a laugh - he does what he wants at the expense of you and DS.

But what did happen on the one Sunday you put your foot down?

I would maybe orchestrate a playdate or two on a Sunday over the next few weeks...

This has been said by just about everybody else on here so far - but you have to get DH on board in standing up to his parents. They are making you unhappy - he absolutely should be supporting you and dealing with them.

Somebody like your MIL clearly won't take no for an answer. So it definitely needs to be him telling her to back off - if it comes from you she will probably think it's 'you' causing the problem and that her son would never treat her that way, yada yada.... I'm also assuming she would then run straight to him and try to start stirring the shit (not that I'm projecting at all here!).

You also need to start having other things to do every other two or three Sundays - you can't let this old bag dictate what your family does any longer. I also remember your previous posts and feel very sorry for you that this is still going on

It is down to you to do something about it such as not go. Are you unable to speak up for yourself for some reason? I do not think your dh is bu. My husband can not make me do anything that I do not wish to.

Stop complaining if you are not going to do anything to change the situation. You have to make the change.

How about just stop being responsible for how everyone else feels? Why this insane need for equality between gp's? You see your parents when you feel like, if the in-laws want the company of your ds they can toe the fucking line and come to you! I bet no one else sits about wringing their hands about how to make sure YOU get what you want.

If your DH is being spineless here is what I would do. Prewarn him that DS won't be going this Sunday and that he needs to tell them that. Remind him again as you get closer to Sunday. Don't worry if he hasn't spoken to them - that's his fault. Then on Sunday GO OUT with DS, leaving DH to explain to PIL. Don't negotiate or beg him to say something, don't enter into confrontation yourself. Just get on with your life and leave them to squabble about it together. It's not your problem, your DH is allowing the problem to escalate by being incapable of standing up to them. Come on, assert yourself. You're DS mum!

It is within your power to change this.

The onus is on you, as the only one who is (not unreasonably) unhappy with the situation, to change it. Your choice of words is interesting - you aren't in fact 'contracted' to see them weekly the way you are under contract in your job! It's a purely voluntary arrangement that you need to rearrange if it doesn't suit you, as it clearly doesn't!

I don't think you need to do anything as major as sign your son up for a year of swimming lessons, just send a text saying 'Have other plans this week - hopefully see you next Sunday!' Go the next week without making any kind of big deal of the missed week. Then alter the arrangement again the next week, but suggest they come over for a visit at a time that suits you and has a built-in end time, like bedtime or whatever. That way you can wean everyone off the arrangement gradually, and vary the terms of the 'contract'.

I also think that they should be making at least some of the effort if they are so keen to see your son.

I'm always torn on these threads... I love reading how family members all squabble in who gets to love a kid the most.. A kid can't have too much love I would love for either side of my family to show that much interest.

But on the other I can sorta see how irritating it would be.

I agree with a few posts up.. tell your dude and remind him again later.. then bugger off for the day with the bairn. Good luck.