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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no.

102 replies

tillyo · 29/09/2013 22:44

Long story cut short! My little one is not mine by birth but my brothers and his girlfriend. They are both alcoholics and into drugs. They always used to argue in front of her and she'll tell us how daddy hit mummy and mummy would smash bottles over daddy's head. It come to a final point when 2 Christmas a go on Christmas morning 5 blokes smashed down their front door and beat the shit out of my brother before nicking anything worth anything. Of course the police was called by neighbours and she was taken into care that day. After a few weeks both parents was taken in to prison for various things and they asked me and hubby to be legal guardians for her. Of course we said yes and ss agreed. They don't contact her as they know it will upset her but send birthday Christmas cards but never to daughter. They always say she will have better life with us as they can't guarantee they will say sober or not do drugs for more then a day. Little one has recently been asking questions and I've explained that mummy and daddy are not well so she will carry on living with us. Today she asked if it will be forever I said yes it could be possible (it's very likely) she then said can she call me mummy then. It broke my heart to say no she then started to cry saying she wants a mummy everyone in school calls the people who look after her mummy so why is she different. She's just woke up coughing when I said night to her after she said night mummy. Am I wrong to say no? It breaks my heart she just wants to be normal. She's 5 by the way x

OP posts:

Fluffymonster · 30/09/2013 20:01

Yes you are doing the right thing. She sounds lovely and so do you. Good luck with the adoption process and I wish you all lots of happiness.

CocacolaMum · 30/09/2013 20:16

just popped on to see whether you had updated and am pleased to see you have. Well done, I really think you are doing absolutely the right thing.

eatyouwithaspoon · 30/09/2013 20:19

this has made me quite tearful, you have made the right choice

magicturnip · 30/09/2013 20:24

You are her mum now. Her birth mom lost the right to veto who her daughter calls mummy when she put drinks and drugs first. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I really think that little girl's need for security come first.

mumeeee · 30/09/2013 20:29

OP you are doing the right thing. You are a great Mummy to your little girl and she sound lovely

hermioneweasley · 30/09/2013 20:34

The only question is what's best for your dd, not how will her excuse-for-a-biological-mother think our feel about it.

NicknameIncomplete · 30/09/2013 20:41

What a wonderful person you are.

I can understand why u felt torn but u do eveything a mum should so i dont think that it is wrong for your dd to call you mum.

Hope the adoption does happen

SisterMonicaJoan · 30/09/2013 20:48

Awww, what a sweetheart - I want to adopt her!

I think you are doing the right thing and you have obviously been doing such a great job as your little girl has the skills to understand her situation and come to her own conclusions.

I hope your brother and his girlfriend agree to the adoption. Your daughter is obviously very happy and loves her mummy!

WaitMonkey · 30/09/2013 20:49

Good luck.

Johnny5needsinput · 30/09/2013 20:51

I appear to have something in my eye.

rocketeer · 30/09/2013 21:00

I could have written your OP word for word although we are further down the line and I have 2 birth children. We are in the middle of adopting ds3, he calls me and dh slightly different names but his own version of mum and dad and refers to us as his parents (he is 6). He knows all about his mother but she has never asked to see him (she is in prison for at least another 5 years and has been there since ds3 was born). Let me know if I can help.

Original poster

tillyo · 30/09/2013 22:02

Thank you so much everyone for your support. I have 1 happy and good girl tonight. Everything I've asked her to do tonight as been "yes mummy" "mummy can I do this?" I love her so much. I do worry everything has made her grow up a bit quicker then she should have had to, so planning a trip on Friday after school shopping just the 2 of us doing little girl things and going to take her shopping so she can choose her own bedroom stuff. Poor hubby doesn't know he'll be spending the weekend decorating yet. Thank you all once again. rocketeer might take you up on that offer x

OP posts:

Lweji · 30/09/2013 22:23

Canthisonebeused · 30/09/2013 22:24

So happy for you all

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 30/09/2013 22:25

If she is likely to be with you until adulthood then you should look into adoption or special guardianship. What legal status does she have? Do you have any legal order? PR? It strikes me that this situation doesn't sound permanent and that is very damaging to children. You can't really leave these things up to chance, if her bio parents abducted her for example you would be precariously placed without PR and legal residence. Plus, she needs to know where she belongs, and if that's with you then everyone should know it, including her bio parents. There probably shouldn't be any question of them coming back for her as it doesn't sound likely or advisable.

maddening · 30/09/2013 22:28

could she call you "mummy tillyo"?

ImperialBlether · 30/09/2013 22:29

Does she have your surname, OP?

Lweji · 30/09/2013 22:32

Good point by Ehric.

Even if the parents don't agree to adoption, could you go through the court for a more permanent, stable solution?

shewhowines · 30/09/2013 22:35

She understands the situation. She knows she has two mummies. You have done the right thing. Good luck on being able to adopt her.

Donkeyok · 30/09/2013 22:39

Night night Mummy

ImagineJL · 30/09/2013 22:39

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Let her call you Mummy. She needs to feel safe, loved and secure, and if this helps then so be it. It must be lovely for her to feel she has a Mummy at last, who loves her and protects her.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/09/2013 22:45

My friend was brought up by his aunt. He called her mum. Because she was his mum in every respect of the word.

He called his biological mum Beo. Mum and Beo. It made Beo more mum than Linda/Sheila/Paula or whatever her name was. But she was not mum.

Original poster

tillyo · 30/09/2013 23:13

Nothing in place at moment, have asked my brother and his girlfriend to send me visting orders so I can speak to them personally. To be honest they wouldn't try anything like abducting her, they would be to scared she would use their drinking money. Spoke to our mum tonight and she as said she is going to see both of them with dad to talk about me adopting her aswell. Mum knows she would never be safe living with them again on the basis what happened last time and she doesn't trust them one bit not to drink or get in trouble again. The more I think I would honestly wonder who would give their daughter up so easy. The day after she went in to care they was having a pub crawl with their mates not worrying about her, or sorting her stuff out my mum went to their flat and got all little misses stuff and get anything what was valuable left. They was quite happy having no fixed address and staying one night here and there. It sounded like the Walton's here earlier " night night little miss" " night night mummy" " night night daddy" "night night little miss" " night night mummy and daddy" "night night little miss"! Was funny thou she seems really happy today.

OP posts:

SavoyCabbage · 01/10/2013 01:29

You don't get it because you love her so much.

I think I would put it to them in the same 'no big deal' sort of terms that they employ. Let us know how it all goes. I keep welling up when you post, thinking about how happy she must be with you. Getting in her cosy bed and saying goodnight to her Mummy and her Daddy.

Morloth · 01/10/2013 02:26

What they want is nowhere near as important as what she needs.

And she needs a mummy.

Why should she miss out on that because they are too selfish to prioritize her?

You don't have rights as a parent you have responsibilities.

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