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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no.

102 replies

tillyo · 29/09/2013 22:44

Long story cut short! My little one is not mine by birth but my brothers and his girlfriend. They are both alcoholics and into drugs. They always used to argue in front of her and she'll tell us how daddy hit mummy and mummy would smash bottles over daddy's head. It come to a final point when 2 Christmas a go on Christmas morning 5 blokes smashed down their front door and beat the shit out of my brother before nicking anything worth anything. Of course the police was called by neighbours and she was taken into care that day. After a few weeks both parents was taken in to prison for various things and they asked me and hubby to be legal guardians for her. Of course we said yes and ss agreed. They don't contact her as they know it will upset her but send birthday Christmas cards but never to daughter. They always say she will have better life with us as they can't guarantee they will say sober or not do drugs for more then a day. Little one has recently been asking questions and I've explained that mummy and daddy are not well so she will carry on living with us. Today she asked if it will be forever I said yes it could be possible (it's very likely) she then said can she call me mummy then. It broke my heart to say no she then started to cry saying she wants a mummy everyone in school calls the people who look after her mummy so why is she different. She's just woke up coughing when I said night to her after she said night mummy. Am I wrong to say no? It breaks my heart she just wants to be normal. She's 5 by the way x

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 30/09/2013 08:19

personally i think you should let her call you mummy.

to her this would be a way of moving forward and h elp recover i think. as long as she knows she has a birth mother i think it can only help her.
or if your not really that comfortable, prehaops she can call you mummy.real name

ConfusedPixie · 30/09/2013 09:38

Let her call you mummy, she can have two, many children do have extra parents these days and it works fine :)

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 30/09/2013 09:58

Oh what a heart rending situation for you, and her, poor little thing

I'd go down the two mummies route:

Mummy-Till and Mummy- birth mothers name

Then let her drop the Till as she will probably want to, but that's your 'official mummy name'.

I think her need to have a mummy trumps the girlfriends need to have the sole right to that name - Shes not been the mummy in this child's life unfortuneately.

I wouldn't ask her, she would have to be very mature and selfless to give her blessing, and TBH she doesn't sound like that. Also, once you've asked her, if she says no then that puts you in an even worse situation...

saintlyjimjams · 30/09/2013 10:07

Let her call you mummy. The bio mother can't really have a valid opinion on what would be right for her when she isn't there & doesn't know her daughter now.

And remember a lot of daughter/son in laws call their mother in laws 'mum'. There's no limit on the number of mums you can have.

CissyMeldrum · 30/09/2013 11:42

You love her like a mummy ,you look after her like a mummy ,you worry about her like a mummy, so it sounds like you have the right to be called mummy.

Original poster

tillyo · 30/09/2013 12:38

Ok. Easier than I thought. Silly me left the cards out last night and little miss saw them this morning. She picked them up and said " this is from my old mummy isn't it?" I just answered it is but she's still your mummy, to her reply was " I know but she's old, and when we tided up before you told me to throw away my old toys cause I was getting new toys but I still loved them but love my new toys more mummy" talk about lump in throat. I didn't correct today like I did yesterday and she seemed so proud to say today "my mummy will won't picking me up tonight it will be my daddy to her teacher" I think as long as I remind her she still has a mum and dad and as she gets older she can make her only choice whether or not she wants to remember or not. I will still send cards to my brother and sister saying to mummy ...... And daddy ..... Using their first names. Also wrote a letter to both asking about adoption in the early hours this morning and will post later. I am doing the right thing ain't I?

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/09/2013 12:42

Yes you are, let her call you mummy and feel proud!! You are the one bringing her up, wiping her snot, putting plasters on her cuts and generally giving her the love and support she needs........anyone can have a kid, it takes someone special to be a mummy and regardless of the fact you didn't give birth to her, you are her mummy!

Retroformica · 30/09/2013 12:56

If you had officially adopted her then you would be called mummy. Why is this any different? You are taking on the role of being a mummy. Can't you be called mummy tillyo

LunaticFringe · 30/09/2013 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mirry2 · 30/09/2013 13:08

This post has made me q bit tearful.

RedHelenB · 30/09/2013 13:22

Can' t you adopt her?

RedHelenB · 30/09/2013 13:23

Sorry, just read the last post. |Hope it goes well & gives her the stability she needs.

JassyRadlett · 30/09/2013 13:30

Just wanted to say I think you've done exactly the right thing. You sound like a wonderful mother to her.

CadleCrap · 30/09/2013 13:39

I nearly commented earlier but after that last OP post will...

The definition of a Mummy (to my 5 yo) is someone who loves you, looks after you and keeps you safe.

He doesn't give a flying fuck whose vagina he came out from.

If you love her, look after her and keep her safe, then wear the Mummy badge with pride.

BillyBanter · 30/09/2013 13:44

Aw.

You are mummy.

I hope you get good news re adoption too.

differentnameforthis · 30/09/2013 13:47

Can you be mummy tillyo?

I would honestly follow her lead, she has been through so much, poor love

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 30/09/2013 13:56

She sounds like an absolute treasure! What a credit to you.

differentnameforthis · 30/09/2013 13:57

Oh, I see the thread has moved on a little. What a nice little chat.

She sounds very sweet & you are a start for helping her this way. It was very brave of your Brother & his gf to realise that they can't look after her & while it must hurt, they do sound like they only think of themselves.

Good Luck with everything tillyo.

differentnameforthis · 30/09/2013 13:57

*star, of course

Thants · 30/09/2013 13:59

I think if that's what she wants then it could be a good thing for her. Maybe speak to your brother and sil about it and explain.

SavoyCabbage · 30/09/2013 14:05

You are doing the right thing. She sounds wonderful by the way.

MissStrawberry · 30/09/2013 14:13

I know you think you were doing the right thing by saying no but you weren't.

Let her call you mummy. It is what SHE wants and that is what is important here.

I feel there is so much I want to say here but not sure it would be welcome. Just let her call you mummy. Don't worry about all the other stuff.

Lweji · 30/09/2013 14:48

You did the right thing and you are doing the right thing.

She is a very lucky girl.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 30/09/2013 17:09

Awwww that last post brought a lump to my throat! You've done the right thing OP, so happy for your and your DD.

WilsonFrickett · 30/09/2013 17:24

You are absolutely doing the right thing for your daughter.

And in a funny way, so are your brother and partner.

I think you need to move forward with the adoption and enjoy being her mummy

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