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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no.

102 replies

tillyo · 29/09/2013 22:44

Long story cut short! My little one is not mine by birth but my brothers and his girlfriend. They are both alcoholics and into drugs. They always used to argue in front of her and she'll tell us how daddy hit mummy and mummy would smash bottles over daddy's head. It come to a final point when 2 Christmas a go on Christmas morning 5 blokes smashed down their front door and beat the shit out of my brother before nicking anything worth anything. Of course the police was called by neighbours and she was taken into care that day. After a few weeks both parents was taken in to prison for various things and they asked me and hubby to be legal guardians for her. Of course we said yes and ss agreed. They don't contact her as they know it will upset her but send birthday Christmas cards but never to daughter. They always say she will have better life with us as they can't guarantee they will say sober or not do drugs for more then a day. Little one has recently been asking questions and I've explained that mummy and daddy are not well so she will carry on living with us. Today she asked if it will be forever I said yes it could be possible (it's very likely) she then said can she call me mummy then. It broke my heart to say no she then started to cry saying she wants a mummy everyone in school calls the people who look after her mummy so why is she different. She's just woke up coughing when I said night to her after she said night mummy. Am I wrong to say no? It breaks my heart she just wants to be normal. She's 5 by the way x

OP posts:
Spider7 · 29/09/2013 23:09

The little girls feelings & needs are more important than her mums. Her mum has done the right thing in allowing you to be her guardian as she is unable to overcome her addictions. Addiction is a terrible thing but she should not let it impact on her child any more than it already has. Her daughter wants to call someone mummy. And she has chosen you as your are being her mummy. Her mum should accept those facts no matter how much they upset her feelings. That poor child has seen a lot & at some point in her life when she learns the whole truth, she will be angry that her mum chose her addictions over her... that is how she will see it. The least that can be done right now is to put this child's feelings first. What an honour that she wishes to call you mummy. Please don't disrespect that.

CocacolaMum · 29/09/2013 23:09

I think if they have signed the right to make important decisions about their biological childs life to you then you must treat this as one of the many decisions YOU need to make.

You are being open with the child about where she comes from and that's going to be SO important in years to come.. but that's not now. Now you get to enjoy her so do what you must to give her some happy years to look back on.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist · 29/09/2013 23:15

OP I get that you want their 'permission' as it were, and I think it's great that you're so respectful of them, but as PP's have said it's not really about what they think or want, it's about your DD.

Donkeyok · 29/09/2013 23:16

Sad so sorry for you and your little girl.
Of course you are mummy after all what is a mummy?
^ 'she is not being deceived' as she knows bio mum.
In such difficult times enjoy your blessing mummy.
Flowers 'coz your wonderful

Thewhingingdefective · 29/09/2013 23:16

Oh, the little loveSad What a tough situation.

I would (if it was me) let her call me Mummy. You are, after all, taking on that role and shouldn't worry about upsetting your brother and sister in law. They may be her biological parents but they have not earned the right to be called Mummy and Daddy as they chose drugs and alcohol before her.

You have told her she has a mum and dad that can't care for her right now, so you wouldn't be taking anything away, but letting her call you Mummy would give her the anchor she needs.

souperb · 29/09/2013 23:16

I'd let her call you Mummy - it sounds like that's how she feels and that's what she needs.

Could she call your SIL mum to differentiate, if that bothers you? I call my Dad and my Grandfather both Dad, but it never caused confusion - it's nearly always clear who I mean!

Good for you for being there for her.

Maggietess · 29/09/2013 23:17

I can understand you wanting the natural mother to give you her permission but I actually think you make it incredibly hard for her if you make her choose to call you mummy.
She has already done the right thing in signing the little one over to you, I think let your little girl decide now and don't make the mother decide twice to give her little girl away. And I say that with an absolute understanding she has put herself in that position.
I know why you want to get her blessing but actually I think it's kinder to her and her/your daughter if you let her call you mummy if that's what she wants.

I have every admiration for you doing this for your brother, his partner and, most of all, their little girl. I wish you all the best.

LilMissSunshine9 · 29/09/2013 23:26

Keep us updated on how the chat goes :) x

WahIzzit · 29/09/2013 23:30

Poor baby :( its such a sad situation for her. I really feel for your mum too, her ds is ruining his life with drinks and drugs. How can he be expected to care for a child too?

Is there anyway you could adopt her? Sorry if its an inappropriate question.

Original poster
tillyo · 29/09/2013 23:35

I've just had a moment of madness and got her birthday/Christmas cards down and I've never really took mum notice but the last 2 cards she's been sent are not signed mummy and daddy but by their names. I will ask her tomorrow if you want to call me mummy then what are you going to call your natural mum? And take it from there. I think the cards answer my question about if I should ask real mum really.

OP posts:
Original poster
tillyo · 29/09/2013 23:36

I would love to adopt her but never really raised the question with my brother x

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 29/09/2013 23:37

Please let her call you mummy. I have a little experience of this (absent father, mum's second husband I called dad, couldn't actually bring myself to call #3 dad, even though he has actually stuck around). Not having anyone to call dad was a big thing.

I think her wishes should come before yours or biomum's too. But maybe you could put together a storybook for her, with pictures and a really simple explanation, which would remind her she has two mums.

Thank you, by the way. You have saved a little girl from slipping through the cracks and we all owe you for that Thanks

raisah · 29/09/2013 23:37

Poor sweetheart. Could you agree to being called Ma, Mama or Amma (I call my mum this, it is the general asian term for mum)?

You are fulfilling that role for her & its a bittersweet pill that you have swallowed as your brothers' loss is your gain. If you allow her to call you mummy or similar, it may help her understand why she cant live with her birth parents.

SavoyCabbage · 29/09/2013 23:38

I can see why you want to ask her mother but I think you should put the needs of your child first. What if the mother says no and then you have to stop your dd?

I have no experience but I think I would go down the two mummys road. Start by telling her you would love her to call you mummy Tilly and I think you will find she will just drop,the Tilly and you will be mummy.

It sounds like you feel guilty for being her mummy. Perhaps because you love her and feel like it is a wonderful thing to be her mummy and that you are taking that away from her birth mother.

In reality her mother was never going to be able to have her and bring her up properly because of the choices she made. It sounds like you need to be told that you are her mummy and that you should accept the title as you have accepted the role.

Canthisonebeused · 29/09/2013 23:39

I wouldn't ask her what she's going to call her natural mum tbh. I think that kind of attaches some sort of expectation on her that maybe doesn't know and may just give you an answer she thinks she should. She will probably just work that out herself. It may not hurt to let her look at those cards without you making any kind of judgement on. Just show her them and say do you remember this card etc, that may help her work things put herself and talk about her parents and the situation.

SavoyCabbage · 29/09/2013 23:40

Perhaps you could ask your brother now that this has happened. It would make you and your dd feel more secure.

SavoyCabbage · 29/09/2013 23:41

Ask him about adopting her I mean.

Canthisonebeused · 29/09/2013 23:41

I'm not suggesting you would be judgemental at all sorry I just read that back. I probably meant let her look at them and take the lead from her rather than trying to make any justifications or expressing any opinion etc, if that makes sence

Lweji · 29/09/2013 23:47

Personally, I wouldn't care about what her parents think or if they approve.
They have shown to care very little for her, apart from seeming to want her to be with you.

Your main concern should be this little girl.

And I'd agree that looking into adoption might be a good way forward. It would give her some further security.

BillyBanter · 29/09/2013 23:49

I'd talk to your brother about adoption too! It doesn't stop them from being part of her life if they turn theirs around at some point but she deserves the stability that it would give her I think.

Poor little thing. You are doing such a good thing. x

AnandaTimeIn · 29/09/2013 23:57

God, you sound wonderful (step-in)parents...bless you

Not sure how you can deal with this practically (don't live in UK).

The only thing I can say is to tell her in an age-appropriate way what is going on.

She needs people who are honest in her life.

For what it's worth, I have a friend who has split up with her child's father, while both are pretending it's not so ("daddy has another place to stay, he's away on business")...I can see lots of future problems, after all if the people who take care of you can't be honest, who can you trust?!

I can understand their ("protecting her") logic, just don't think it is right....

She's coming up for 7 by the way...(been going on for about 2 or 3 years).

I just feel sorry for her when she finds out....

Wishing you all the best, you are doing a fantastic job.....

AnandaTimeIn · 30/09/2013 00:01

I did tell my friend I didn't think it was an honest way to go about it (in a loving way).
I am a single mum myself and tho his dad has a difficult situation, I was always honest about it.

Strangely Hmm enough she has kind of backed off from our friendship. Her problem...

Fluffymonster · 30/09/2013 00:38

Pls let her call you Mummy. Her bio mum can be 'Mummy [bioMum]'. I would also look into adopting her - if she wants that, and you would love to, then it's the right thing to do. Having somewhere to belong, and feeling wanted, is so important.

Kormachameleon · 30/09/2013 00:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlfalfaMum · 30/09/2013 00:49

Just let her call you Mummy.
Don't bother asking her birth mother, because even though I understand why you'd like to have her permission first, if she says no its just too unfair on a lovely little girl. Just always be gently honest with her, as you have been, and let her choose what she calls you.