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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset?

57 replies

Mimishimi · 29/09/2013 03:08

Yesterday morning I pulled a shoulder muscle and later on in the day I said "Oh my goodness" as it twinged. My almost 13 old daughter said "Oh, do you have any?". I thought she was mucking about and said haha etc. Then I said "you don't really mean that do you?". She said "Well, let's just say that if you do, you've hidden it very well down deep inside'. I was so upset I walked out and refused to give her the lunch I was in the process of cooking for her at the time. When I did that, she claimed she was joking but I didn't believe her. I cried like a baby all afternoon she hurt my feelings so badly and I can't remember ever crying at anything she has said before.

Then this morning I got out of the shower and my 7 year old son started talking about my tummy and called me a big fat panda. I'm 5'4 and weigh 9 stone, 6lbs. So not super thin but not overweight for my height either. Obviously didn't cry like a baby over this one but still hurt all the same. Have sent both kids out with their dad and don't feel like talking to either one of them ... ever again! For at least two days at least... Wink

Yes, it is almost that time of the month so probably more sensitive than usual but AIBU to feel like quitting being their mum (only half joking about feeling that way)? How do you react when your kids say hurtful things? Do you just let it slide or do you pull them up on it?

OP posts:
Donkeyok · 29/09/2013 03:19

I just remind them that my tummy was their first home and they are the ones who stretched it.
We sacrifice so much sometimes when we have a reminder (unkind words from them)
it reminds us to put ourselves first for a moment; or just to be on our own side coz no one else is. Its not acceptable to be the constant butt of jokes in your own family and you did right to have a breather and look after yourself. Perhaps this reminder is a timely one that your daughter is quite capable of helping out more. Put in place a new updated household chores rota. That should make you feel a little better. After all you are teaching them how to treat you. Don't be a donkey Smile

SavoyCabbage · 29/09/2013 03:19

Yanbu to be upset. Even mothers are allowed feelings!

AveryJessup · 29/09/2013 03:51

Kids don't mean things the way adults do. I remember once upsetting my mother because I got some free pack of school bus stickers with a magazine that had funny slogans on them. One of them said 'The person next to you is crazy' so I - bizarrely in retrospect - thought it would be funny to put it on one of the kitchen cabinets so when my mother and I baked together it would point at her. At 10 years old I remember thinking this was hilarious. My mother was offended but she was a very over-sensitive person. I think she thought our baking sessions were precious mother-daughter time that I clearly didn't appreciate enough!

What your 13 year old said is a kind of smart alec comment she might have dreamed up as a comeback to classmates. Maybe she decided to test it out on you first? YANBU to be upset but try not to take it too seriously as they are just kids.

lilola · 29/09/2013 03:54

yanbu to be upset but yabvvu to resfuse to give your child lunch because of what she said Shock

Charotte31 · 29/09/2013 04:06

I can't see how your DD upset you with what she said? You must be a very sensitive peron to be upset by that. Maybe what your DS said a little but even then. Get over yourself they are children and don't mean what they say.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 29/09/2013 05:20

I think the fact that you denied your 13 year old lunch was a ridiculously harsh overreaction. Pretty disgusting actually. Withholding a main meal should NEVER be a punishment.

Teenagers say awful things at times, through not thinking, or lashing out. I think you need to get a thicker skin.

Original poster
Mimishimi · 29/09/2013 05:40

I didn't prevent DD who is almost 13 from fixing her own lunch... just refused to continue making it for her myself (which she expects all the time). How is this abusive? I am not her skivvy ....

OP posts:
BillStickersIsInnocent · 29/09/2013 06:06

At 13 she can make her own lunch surely? I think you were being reasonable.

birdmomma · 29/09/2013 06:11

Just develop a thick skin. Teenagers can say some very hurtful things, but they are going through a period of brain development that affects their social filter and you really can not afford to take it all to heart. You need to be their parent, not their friend.

Lagoonablue · 29/09/2013 06:14

I expect it will get worse......teenagers.

differentnameforthis · 29/09/2013 07:04

You are not unreasonable to be upset, but what did you do to tell your son that his comment was NOT ok?

You need to have a talk with them both about appropriate ways to talk to you & about when to keep their mouths shut. Your son needs to know that it is NOT ok to call people fat or remark on their size AT ALL.

WRT your daughter, I think you did over react a little. You could have made a joke, or simple asked her why she felt you kept your goodness hidden. It sounds like, from her POV that she issues with how you relate to her.

That would need sorting ASAP!

CoffeeTea103 · 29/09/2013 07:33

You're not a skivy, you're her mother. Using food as punishment is disgusting, do you do these type things often? Is this what your daughter was referring too?

Vivacia · 29/09/2013 07:43

I think your reaction was reasonable and definitely understandable. Nobody can put up with unkind comments and being taken for granted. I agree with previous posters that their comments most likely weren't personal though.

I'd tell your daughter you're going to work on finding some goodness in yourself today, so she's in charge of getting lunch for everyone. Then go and do something for yourself to recharge your batteries.

Mojavewonderer · 29/09/2013 07:52

Even I understood what the op meant about refusing to finish making lunch 'coffee' read the ops posts properly! The child was not refused food, she is not abusing her child! She has said her daughter could make her own lunch instead!

wannabedomesticgoddess · 29/09/2013 08:43

Just seems a bit ironic that the daughter makes a comment about her mum hiding her goodness and her mum reacts like that.

Perhaps it hurt you so much because it cut a little too close to the truth?

CailinDana · 29/09/2013 08:52

I'm usually sympathetic but I think your reaction was childish and ridiculous. If my child said that to me I would be hurt of course but instead of acting like an overgrown baby I would act like a parent and talk to her about it.

Vivacia · 29/09/2013 08:56

I would hope I would too Cailin but sometimes I get exhausted and don't have the normal resilience to even the smallest of things.

CailinDana · 29/09/2013 09:05

I totally get that vivacia but what I think a lot of people forget is just how much power they have over their children. No matter how much a child claims to "hate" their parents or what nasty things they say the fact remains that children crave approval and safety from their parents. It makes them very vulnerable. A parent has to be totally conscious of that and remember the relationship isn't a friendship and you can't react as you would with a fellow adult. I think it would be fine to say "dd that was hurtful and I need to talk to you about it but first I need some time to think." Storming off is never acceptable and it's certainly not the kind of behaviour I want to model for my children.

mrsmindcontrol · 29/09/2013 09:20

YABU & over sensitive, to spend half a day crying like a baby over a throw away, comment made in a jokey fashion is diva like behaviour in the extreme.
Let's hope it was hormones at work & you're feeling way less sensitive in a few days.

Vivacia · 29/09/2013 09:56

Good points Cailin.

AKissIsNotAContract · 29/09/2013 10:01

Yeah you were being massively over sensitive.

pudcat · 29/09/2013 10:02

For heaven's sake leave the OP alone. She is not abusing her child. Her dd is old enough to finish her own lunch. How many of you would accept that nasty comment from any one let alone your own dc? Her dd needs to think before she speaks.

LeGavrOrf · 29/09/2013 10:11

Oh COME on. The OP is clearly upset, for fucks sake don't kick her whilst she is down and insinuate that her daughter had a point. What is wrong with some of you.

I don't see that the OP is abusive at all. She didn't withhold food. She just reacted in a 'make your own sodding lunch, then' kind of way which is perfectly understandable.

I think its a bit OTT to have been crying all afternoon, however if the OP suffers from PMS perhaps she is overly sensitive at this time of the month.

I would tell the daughter in no uncertain terms that her words were hurtful, and as her to explain what she meant by them.

And being called fat - I would be very cross and say that you will NOT stand for personal insults.

I would sanction both of them for their lack of respect. Take away phone, x box or whatever for a day or two.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 29/09/2013 10:12

I would have said something along the lines of 'Really? I have no goodness? What would YOU call it when I ' Simply call her on it or ask her why she said it. Storming off it bloody childish.

Also, being a fat panda, is not necessarily a BAD thing in a childs mind. All you needed to do was explain why it's not actually a nice thing to say to someone - and yeah, feel free to throw in the fact that he & his sister made their own contribution to the Panda Look!

valiumredhead · 29/09/2013 10:17

Is your dd normally so visible when someone hurts themselves?Shock

In this house she would've been sent upstairs to think about what she'd said and when she was ready to apologise she could come downstairs and then SHE could continue cooking lunch.

Wrt ds 'oi, don't be so rude' would've been said very firmly!