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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset?

57 replies

Mimishimi · 29/09/2013 03:08

Yesterday morning I pulled a shoulder muscle and later on in the day I said "Oh my goodness" as it twinged. My almost 13 old daughter said "Oh, do you have any?". I thought she was mucking about and said haha etc. Then I said "you don't really mean that do you?". She said "Well, let's just say that if you do, you've hidden it very well down deep inside'. I was so upset I walked out and refused to give her the lunch I was in the process of cooking for her at the time. When I did that, she claimed she was joking but I didn't believe her. I cried like a baby all afternoon she hurt my feelings so badly and I can't remember ever crying at anything she has said before.

Then this morning I got out of the shower and my 7 year old son started talking about my tummy and called me a big fat panda. I'm 5'4 and weigh 9 stone, 6lbs. So not super thin but not overweight for my height either. Obviously didn't cry like a baby over this one but still hurt all the same. Have sent both kids out with their dad and don't feel like talking to either one of them ... ever again! For at least two days at least... Wink

Yes, it is almost that time of the month so probably more sensitive than usual but AIBU to feel like quitting being their mum (only half joking about feeling that way)? How do you react when your kids say hurtful things? Do you just let it slide or do you pull them up on it?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 29/09/2013 10:18

Storming off it bloody childish.

Well yes, but sometimes we are exhausted, stressed and don't have the resilience to react calmly. Sometimes the best coping strategy we have is to walk away.

valiumredhead · 29/09/2013 10:21

Not visible-horrible!

Funnily enough I'm not very reasonable when I'm hurt myselfHmm

valiumredhead · 29/09/2013 10:22

I've

Fucking phoneAngry

Bowlersarm · 29/09/2013 10:27

OP - poor you!

I defy anyone to always react reasonably to everything their DC's say. Sometimes they can be really hurtful without meaning it. DD was probably making a joke which went wrong.

Cut yourself, and her, some slack. Put it behind you and have a lovely day today.

UriGeller · 29/09/2013 10:41

YABU You're supposed to be the adult.

valiumredhead · 29/09/2013 10:50

It doesn't do children any harm to see adults are humans at times. At 13 the dd is a young adult and should be expected to be pulled up on such behaviour. Are you really saying that you would be ok with someone talking to you like this?Shock

HaroldLloyd · 29/09/2013 11:13

OP hope your ok. I can remember saying some godawful things to my mum at this age I cringe thinking about it.

Nobody behaves perfectly in any given scenario - unless they are posting on an Internet forum where it's very easy to pick apart someone's behaviour.

You can't help being upset.

Hope you can have a nicer day today.

DoJo · 29/09/2013 11:15

At 13, your daughter has enough awareness of other people's feelings that it's worth considering whether she may have been trying to tell you something - perhaps you have said or done something that has upset her and she was trying to make a point. I don't really understand why you didn't just ask her why she said it rather than storming off and crying. Did she come after you to apologise? If not, then she was probably trying to hurt you, rightly or wrongly, so I would consider asking her why she felt the need to say it and whether she thinks it was fair. It may all be a big misunderstanding, but shutting yourself away and crying isn't going to resolve it.
Your son probably didn't even think about what he was saying, and I would find it hard to be offended by a comparison with a panda (unless he particularly hates pandas of course!) but would have a word about how it's not really nice to comment on the way other people look, even your mum.

CailinDana · 29/09/2013 11:17

No valium I'm saying I would deal with it in a mature manner. My own mother is a storming off sulker and it's the main reason why my younger sister and I never talk to her about anything but the most superficial things.

FrameyMcFrame · 29/09/2013 11:21

Don't worry about it. My kids say I'm fat and horrible all the time. It's like water off a duck's back to me because I know they love me really, as do your DC.

differentnameforthis · 29/09/2013 11:47

Her dd needs to think before she speaks

Yes, she does. But as I said before, how will she (the dd & in fact, the ds) know what is appropriate if mum keeps storming off & leaving them to it.

The adults of this family need to sort that out, not act like toddlers who have been told no.

differentnameforthis · 29/09/2013 11:51

At 13 the dd is a young adult

I would class 18 as a young adult, not 13. 13yrs is still very much a child who needs to be taught that her words were hurtful.

valiumredhead · 29/09/2013 12:08

There's nothing to suggest that the OP always storms off.

HaroldLloyd · 29/09/2013 12:11

"I can't remember ever crying at anything she said before"

No there isn't.

valiumredhead · 29/09/2013 12:11

It's also extremely easy to imagine how you'd behave when you are in pain, very different when you are actually in agony and your child/young adult whoever, is being unkind.

valiumredhead · 29/09/2013 12:14

If my Dh heard my ds talking to me like that he'd haul him over hot coals and make him apologise pretty damn quick. The OP is a single parent, feeling low and a bit teary and then hurts herself and her dd is unkind. Pretty normal to leave the ungrateful little madam to her own devices and see to her own lunch.

Famzilla · 29/09/2013 12:16

Storming off and crying all afternoon over a silly remark is very OTT. Please please please don't make your children responsible for your emotions like that.

I agree that children need to see that we're human sometimes but my mum used to do stuff like that, I was so afraid of ever stepping a foot wrong and sending her off the handle. We don't even talk anymore.

valiumredhead · 29/09/2013 12:34

Again, there is nothing to suggest the OP does this all the time, in fact she said it was the first time. If you don't speak to your mother I imagine there were a lot more problems than her being upset after you were rude / unkind to her.

BillyBanter · 29/09/2013 12:44

Ouch! The teenage view of parents isn't always a very kindly one. It's probably because she is a teenager than because you are a bad person.

I certainly wasn't very kind to my mum sometimes. I don't think as teens we realise parents are people too. They are simply petty rule-makers and just mean mean mean. They don't appreciate all parents do for them, and only see the bits where they don't get their own way.

[gets flamed for massively generalising about teens]

TheCrumpetQueen · 29/09/2013 12:54

I remember when I was around 12/13 and I made a comment about my stepmothers cooking when she made us dinner (she wasn't and isn't very good but tries) she stormed off visibly upset even though I didnt mean it to sound rude.
My father made me go an apologise.

It really stayed with me and from then on I respected her more and watched my words.

TheCrumpetQueen · 29/09/2013 12:55

Like someone said up thread, children need to see we have emotions too and to storm off wasn't childish, it was human and real. Her dd probably feels awful and probably won't do it again in a hurry and if she does then words are needed.

CailinDana · 29/09/2013 14:59

Crumpet would you be ok with your children or partner storming off?

HaroldLloyd · 29/09/2013 15:59

If I was very rude to them first I would find it understandable.

CailinDana · 29/09/2013 16:02

I don't think storming off is ever a suitable way to behave except perhaps in situations where the person being rude means nothing to you and isn't worth talking to.

TheCrumpetQueen · 29/09/2013 16:24

I storm off from my 9 month old at least twice a week so I'm not one to answer cailin Grin

It's definitely not the ideal reaction, but it's what the op felt to do. It's good for her dd to see she upset her mum.
What I don't agree with was the op crying all day about it, quite an overreaction but that's probably down to hormones.

A better scenario would be to go and take a breather storm off then return a few minutes later and explain that what dd said was rude and had upset her