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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have organised my daughters birthday in this way?

270 replies

JeremySmile · 26/09/2013 14:14

My 6 year old wanted a party with themed crafts for the girls and then a bouncy castle with the boys. Rather than having the boys waiting around/distracting from the crafts (can't afford to do crafts for boys and girls particularly as the boys in question very likely wouldn't be interested in crafts) I sent the invitations with different arrival times for boys and girls. The girls get 1.5 hours to do the girly things, then the boys join them for the remaining 2 hours of the party for food, games and the bouncy castle. No one that's invited has a boy and girl to bring, so it doesn't make life difficult for anyone. However, one of the boys mums has commented that he'll be 'upset' that he didn't get to be there for the whole party. AIBU in doing this?
Also, my daughter handed out the invitations at the end of the school day and they were a bit different to usual invitations (not just your standard envelope) and two of her classmates were crying because they hadn't received one. There are 30 children in my daughters class so no way I could afford to invite them all, my dd had written a list of who she wanted to invite based on who she plays with. Neither of the crying children had invited dd to their party, yet their mums both gave me filthy looks and were making a big deal of consoling them. First of all I felt bad and that maybe I should've made more effort to hand the invitations to the mums of invited children discreetly, but then dd pointed out that she didn't cry when she wasn't invited to their parties, and 'they've got to understand they can't have everything in life at some point'. These children had handed out their invitations at school too. AIBU for doing this and thinking the dirty looks aren't justified?

OP posts:
CatAmongThePigeons · 27/09/2013 14:40

You know what they want to show, unless you are close to them

CatAmongThePigeons · 27/09/2013 14:42

Wands on invites, thank fuck for my sons school mates and the less is more approach. I hope the boys had wands too

Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 14:45

The boys had telescopes

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 27/09/2013 14:46

OP, if you post in AIBU you should be prepared to listen to advice! And the vast majority have said YABU.

I really do understand your logic, I personally am not bothered about 'gender stereotypes', far too much fuss made about those IMO. And you wanted to give your dd the party she wants. Fair enough BUT when it comes to parties, it's not just the birthday child's wishes which should be taken into account. You also need to consider cost, doing the right thing (as in not excluding one or two children) and how much of a headache it will be for you.

As I said above (although it's too late for this year), if she wants both (crafts and bouncy castle), she can choose one or the other. That's what I would have done. Apart from anything else, guests arriving at 2 different times sounds like a right pain. The girls could be finishing off their crafts, needing help etc then the boys start arriving etc. I'm just envisaging all sorts of problems.

Keep it simple. Really. The children will still enjoy it just as much.

DawnOfTheDee · 27/09/2013 14:48

If the boys (so more than half the guests) won't be interested in 'fairy things' why on earth given them wand invitations they're meant to bring to the party.

You are making this party sexist, over complicated, exclusive and far more expensive than it needs to be.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 14:48

But Manchester - my DDs friend bought in holiday photos from a holiday she and another girl in the class went on. Obviously, something much more huge and desirable. Dd commented that they were lucky to have gone, she did get upset that she hasn't/wouldn't be going on holiday. The worlds going crazy if no one can be happy for anyone else and everyone has to have everything identical in the interests of fairness

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDee · 27/09/2013 14:49

x-post. The boys had telescopes. The rest of my post still stands.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 14:50

Didn't get upset, that should've said.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2013 14:50

So will the boys not expect to be able to make something periscope related to take home as their party bag?
Will the boys only realize they are the second rate budget option because hostess ran out of funds but still wanted to bank some presents for her precious, when at the party?

DawnOfTheDee · 27/09/2013 14:50

The example of the holiday isn't really the same though...you wouldn't expect more than 1 friend to be invited on something like taht.

QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2013 14:51

Of course people dont expect to go on the same holiday as the rest of the class. That would be stupid. Hmm

CatAmongThePigeons · 27/09/2013 14:52

A holiday isn't comparable to a party.

Why the pomp and ceremony for a party invite?

Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 14:53

The holiday was Disneyland so many children in the class went home with an 'its not fair' attitude that 2 children went and they can't.

OP posts:
Fakebook · 27/09/2013 14:54

Strange party. Dd went to her best friends party at the start of the month (6th birthday) and it was craft themed with "unisex" crafts laid out, such as painting t shirts or teddy money boxes or other hobby craft painting projects in small boxes. Both girls and boys enjoyed it.

I don't get why you'd do this. Surely at school aged 6 boys have to do things with the whole class even if it is girly? Last year in Foundation stage all the boys in Dd's class had to join in with a wedding theme and dance and organise the pretend wedding and everything!

Your party sounds like hard work.

QuintessentialShadows · 27/09/2013 14:54

It seems that at least ONE child has learnt that it is not necessary to get a lot of presents, and to have many friends, to make a good party...

BaldricksTurnip · 27/09/2013 14:55

OP? OoooooPeeeeeee??! Are you listening to what virtually everyone is saying? You ARE being unreasonable to have organised your daughters party in this way. In short, everything about the way you have organised it is well, unreasonable. It's not because everyone else's kids are jealous and grabby, it's because you have set it up from the outset to cause feelings of not being included. Which quite frankly is the opposite of what a party should be surely. It should be fun and easy going- a celebration, a lighthearted event. Instead what you have created is a mire of outdated sexism, unhappiness and unfairness. Take on board what people are saying to you.

soimpressed · 27/09/2013 14:56

I wonder why the OP asked AIBU! Most people have said she is but she still thinks she isn't Confused

MrsCakesPremonition · 27/09/2013 14:57

If you are having a mixed party and you think the theme "fairies" is unlikely to appeal to all the children then you tweak the theme. You turn it into a "magic" party or a "fairytales" party or a "fairies and elves" party, anything to give you a bit of leeway to include a broader mix in your choice of craft activities.
We did a Peter Pan party for DD at this age. The girls mostly chose to dress as fairies (although DD dressed as Captain Hook) and the boys mostly came as pirates and nobody felt excluded.

DawnOfTheDee · 27/09/2013 14:58

Well said BaldricksTurnip

MrsCakesPremonition · 27/09/2013 15:00

And instead of using your DD's party to bring together her friends, you seem to have unwittingly made is as divisive as possible.
Invited vs. uninvited
Girls vs. boys
Best friends vs. second best friends vs. not friends at all

Retropear · 27/09/2013 15:00

They are 6 years old and it takes a few years to hide/ except disappointment. My dc couldn't give a shit now at 8 and 10 but at 6 yes they would have been.

Having novelty wands only a few invited to would upset even the most perfect children.

I've never handed invites out like that,ever.There is no need.

Why are you inviting the boys at all?

Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 15:02

FakeBook how is a wedding theme girly?? Surely both men and women get married!

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 27/09/2013 15:04

OP, just because YOUR dd doesn't get upset about not being invited or whatever, doesn't mean other children won't. Yes of course they'll learn that you're not invited to everything but it's just about being a bit sensitive.

DawnOfTheDee · 27/09/2013 15:04

Out of interest OP is there anything anyone could say that would make you think that maybe you have been a tad unreasonable?

Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 15:04

Mrs Cakes - do you only advocate parties if the entire class is invited then?

OP posts: