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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have organised my daughters birthday in this way?

270 replies

JeremySmile · 26/09/2013 14:14

My 6 year old wanted a party with themed crafts for the girls and then a bouncy castle with the boys. Rather than having the boys waiting around/distracting from the crafts (can't afford to do crafts for boys and girls particularly as the boys in question very likely wouldn't be interested in crafts) I sent the invitations with different arrival times for boys and girls. The girls get 1.5 hours to do the girly things, then the boys join them for the remaining 2 hours of the party for food, games and the bouncy castle. No one that's invited has a boy and girl to bring, so it doesn't make life difficult for anyone. However, one of the boys mums has commented that he'll be 'upset' that he didn't get to be there for the whole party. AIBU in doing this?
Also, my daughter handed out the invitations at the end of the school day and they were a bit different to usual invitations (not just your standard envelope) and two of her classmates were crying because they hadn't received one. There are 30 children in my daughters class so no way I could afford to invite them all, my dd had written a list of who she wanted to invite based on who she plays with. Neither of the crying children had invited dd to their party, yet their mums both gave me filthy looks and were making a big deal of consoling them. First of all I felt bad and that maybe I should've made more effort to hand the invitations to the mums of invited children discreetly, but then dd pointed out that she didn't cry when she wasn't invited to their parties, and 'they've got to understand they can't have everything in life at some point'. These children had handed out their invitations at school too. AIBU for doing this and thinking the dirty looks aren't justified?

OP posts:
Manchesterhistorygirl · 27/09/2013 13:21

Come on OP admit it, you're one of those horrendous precious mothers of girls aren't you? The type who's daughter is their princess and they just can't understand how I could cope with boys!

Plenty of those about and the world does not need more of them.

My son would not be attending your divided party because although he's not yet 8, he understands that girls and boys are equal.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 13:44

I did not say 'all boys dislike crafts and would not be interested.' I do not believe that to be true, I have a son (albeit a bit young for crafts at one) and am not pro-girls and anti-boys. There are only 6 girls doing crafts, the others invited are all boys so providing crafts would be expensive for that many when they're not interested in them. The boys have better party bags to make up for not having crafts to take home. It's strange that many people think its acceptable to have a party than an extra celebration (sleepover, cinema trip etc) afterwards but if its done beforehand then it's terrible. Everyone takes party invitations into school, the teacher gets the children to sing happy birthday to the birthday child at the same time. It is a bit too pc to say they should be distributed covertly. Should I also have all the guests sign a confidentiality agreement in case they discuss the party at school afterwards and someone who couldn't go gets upset?

OP posts:
3birthdaybunnies · 27/09/2013 13:54

Actually I don't agree with sleepovers after party either I have told my dc either a small invite list and sleepover or big party and sleepovers on other nights. I think it is sad if some children turn up with overnight stuff and it is apparent that the others have been invited as padding to make the party bit more fun. Besides I don't want to settle children once I've pumped them full of party food!

JammieCodger · 27/09/2013 13:55

Please put us out of our misery though. What were the invites?

MurderOfGoths · 27/09/2013 13:56

"It's strange that many people think its acceptable to have a party than an extra celebration (sleepover, cinema trip etc) afterwards but if its done beforehand then it's terrible."

You haven't actually read what people have written have you?

JammieCodger · 27/09/2013 13:57

And I'm with birthdaybunnies. When we've had sleepover parties, its only been the one invite list. You either have a party with everyone, or a tiny party and sleepover.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 14:06

My dd has been to three parties this year where there was an extra celebration afterwards that only a handful of children were invited to, it's common here.

OP posts:
Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 14:07

The invites were attached to fairy wands.

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDee · 27/09/2013 14:08

But probably not segregated along gender lines?

Could you please describe the invitations?

DawnOfTheDee · 27/09/2013 14:09

x-post. No wonder some of the other children got upset. What a faff.

Edendance · 27/09/2013 14:11

Wow. This is unbelievable.

Stravy · 27/09/2013 14:14

So you handed out fairy wands to half a class of 5yo's and were surprised why some of them got upset? Maybe the money spent on 18 wands could have gone towards more craft.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 14:17

They're 6/7, not 5. Maybe I'm out of touch with how other kids are but my children would not cry and have a hissy fit over not getting something other children had past the age of about 3.

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 27/09/2013 14:18

Fairy wand invitations Hmm

OP, I can sort of see your logic but you're making this party very complicated. If cost is an issue have a smaller party. If your dd wants to do crafts AND have a bouncy castle, get her to choose one or the other. Get her to choose 15-18 friends (boys or girls).

You'll save yourself money and hassle.

Dancergirl · 27/09/2013 14:19

Maybe the money spent on 18 wands could have gone towards more craft

Yes exactly. No point in spending money on fancy invitations, they'll only get thrown away.

BaldricksTurnip · 27/09/2013 14:20

So you made a huge song and dance of giving out invites attached to fairy wands which blatantly left some children feeling upset that they didn't get one, then designed a party to upset the kids who were invited by singling out girls from boys. You must get a kick out of upsetting kids OP, I think you need to go and have a word with yourself.

monicalewinski · 27/09/2013 14:28

You are NOT being unreasonable!! (Think I might be the only one!).

Your daughter invited her 6 closest girl friends to a small craft party, then is having her actual raucous bouncy castle event with food with the rest of her friends (12 boys??), no gender stereotyping as far as I can see - just a 6 yr old who would like to have her best friends with her for extra stuff (could just as easily have been sleep over as OP said).

The fact that 2/3 of the party attendees are going to be boys tells me that OP's daughter is not remotely affected by gender stereotyping.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 14:28

Dancer - the wands are to bring to party.

Baldricks - I didn't 'make a huge song and dance of giving out invites' - dd gave them out at home time, as have every other person in her class who's had a party. Do you really all have 6/7 year olds that are so spoilt/entitled that they'd feel they must have something if one of their friends have? And that children should have to hide their excitement about something in case it upsets someone else? I'm all for empathy but surely children should be taught its better to be kind and happy for other people's good fortune rather than jealous?

OP posts:
Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 14:29

Thank you, Monica Wink

OP posts:
BaldricksTurnip · 27/09/2013 14:34

It's not about being jealous OP. The only person behaving unfairly is you, the adult. It is perfectly possible to invite some kids and not others to your daughters party by handing out invitations discreetly, or even better to the parents. Your ideas about what 'girls' like and what 'boys' like are woefully ignorant and unfortunately children too young to understand have been caught up in your misguided way of thinking. You sound like a complete control freak.

HorrorCow · 27/09/2013 14:36

Apart from everything else (and I agree with everyone else btw - sexist and insulting), do you seriously expect 6 6/7 year olds to spend an hour and a half making wands and wings?! What will you do when, after 5 minutes, they start asking "what are we doing next?"?

Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 14:38

They are not ignorant - I know the boys in question and they are not interested in making fairy things one bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
JeremySmile · 27/09/2013 14:39

It's not just wands and wings, HorrorCow, they were just examples of some of the things

OP posts:
Doyouthinktheysaurus · 27/09/2013 14:39

It's all a bit ostentatious and unnecessary op.....

Giving out invites should be a low key affair IMO if half the class aren't invited! Giving out wands with the invites is bonkers, I bet half of them forget to bring them to the party!

Manchesterhistorygirl · 27/09/2013 14:40

Well aren't you just the most wonderful parent in the world ever?

Seriously Jeremy you may have given the invites out at home time, but by making them wands you've made them hugely obvious and desirable. I'm so glad you're not a parent at my school.

Out of interest, what did you invite the boys with?