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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is "D"p behaviour?

67 replies

NandH · 25/09/2013 22:41

We've just got back from a 6 hour round trip to drop dc off at my Dm's for a few days as we havnt had any time together since ds was born 8 months ago, this is much needed time together as we are struggling.

I've gone up for a shower and asked dp if he'll come keep me company and have a chat while I shower, as I often do for him, he says he wants to watch football, fine.10mins later I crept to the top of the stairs as it was completely quite down there, he was watching porn :( I don't like porn, he knows this, I'm more annoyed that he'd rather do that then come and have a conversation with me.

I said we're struggling as he has previously had online relationships, cheated on me away on a stag do and as a result given me an sti....

I literally feel sick :( so fed up, I wanted to enjoy a few days off with him but he's already ruined it.

I'm pretty sure he has some sort of woman/sex/attention issue :(

Just feel like complete shit tonight, I even went to the salon today to put a bit of effort into myself, what was the sodding point.

OP posts:
Locketjuice · 25/09/2013 22:42

I feel your pain.. No help but I'm sure someone will come along soon Hmm

Locketjuice · 25/09/2013 22:43

But yabu to go to the salon for him.. Do it for your self x

Lj8893 · 25/09/2013 22:45

Men watching porn (and women too) is fairly normal behaviour.

Telling your wife you are watching football while she is having a shower when your meant to be having some precious time together and then watching porn is not normal behaviour!

You poor thing, I agree it sounds like he has some sort of sex issue.

If it were me I would be confronting him and requesting he gets some sort of help/councilling.

Original poster
NandH · 25/09/2013 22:45

Just wanted him to notice me for a change :(

OP posts:
YoniMatopoeia · 25/09/2013 22:49

You might be better having this moved to relationships.

But YANBU.

That is really disrespectful. I would be really upset

What positive things does he bring to your relationship?

WilsonFrickett · 25/09/2013 22:49

He stopped noticing you when he started noticing porn. He's already cheated on you and given you an sti and yet you are dolling yourself up for him in the hope he 'sees' you? You need to take a long hard look at him my love. Then ltb. And I never say that. He has no respect for you. What are you doing with him?

Original poster
NandH · 25/09/2013 22:51

Positives, he's a good dad. That's it.

I've actually shaking with anger or whatever emotion I feel right now, I don't actually know how I feel :(

OP posts:
YoniMatopoeia · 25/09/2013 22:53

He isn't a good dad if he is making the mother of his children feel like this. I think that anger is good for you right now.

I rarely say this, but I think that LTB is a valid response

Original poster
NandH · 25/09/2013 22:53

Wilson ... I don't know :( he's a really good dad, he's just a shit partner, there are a lot more issues around our relationship than this but its mostly all sex related.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 25/09/2013 22:54

To be honest, if I were you I'd get up tomorrow and get back down to your mother's.

TheHouseCleaner · 25/09/2013 22:54

He isn't a good dad love. He cheated on the mother of his children and gave her an STI.

Your problem isn't that he's watching porn. It's that he doesn't value or respect you.

Lweji · 25/09/2013 22:55

Why exactly are you with him still?

ageofgrandillusion · 25/09/2013 22:55

So he has cheated on you, given you an sti and he would rather watch porn than be with you. Wake up and smell the roses OP, he aint that into you. Move on.

Lweji · 25/09/2013 22:56

He can still be a good father away from you.

WilsonFrickett · 25/09/2013 22:57

One of the things a good dad does is teach his son how to be around women. The blueprint of how to be in a relationship. He teaches things like honesty and positive sexual behaviour by role-modelling. He teaches his children how to be a good partner as well as how to be a good person.

So no. He's not a good dad.

I'm sorry.

Did this behaviour start when you were pg?

Original poster
NandH · 25/09/2013 22:58

Reasons im still with him: he is good to the kids, he'd make my life hell regarding the kids if I left, I have no money to leave, I have no where to go (parents are not an option).

OP posts:
Lweji · 25/09/2013 23:01

Those reasons are good reasons to leave.

Try to get help.
Solicitor, WA, family, council.

You need to go if you want to be happy, even if it will be hard at first.

Original poster
NandH · 25/09/2013 23:02

Wilson this behaviour started before I was pg, although I didn't know about it, sexually he is awful to me, if I wrote half the stuff he's done you'd be shocked. His online relationships where before and during the last pregnancy, although I found out after, 10 days after, which happened to be valentines day :(

OP posts:
olgaga · 25/09/2013 23:04

A "good dad" respects the mother of his children.

I feel sad you're making an effort for someone who doesn't deserve you.

Make effort on your own behalf in future. Leave this selfish bastard to wank in front of a TV in his own bedsit.

WilsonFrickett · 25/09/2013 23:04

He can still be good to the kids if you split up.

The other reasons actually sound like he is emotionally and financially abusing you, tbh.

Look, I'm a person on the Internet. I can't tell you what to do.

But hr is not going to change. He is going to keep looking at porn, he is going to keep visiting websites, he is going to shag someone else at a stag do and he is probably not going to wear a condom while doing it.

I urge you to find some RL support/counselling/whatever it takes to help you realise you are worth so much more than this. And make a plan to leave.

Original poster
NandH · 25/09/2013 23:07

We also moved miles away a few months ago and I don't know anyone here, another reason I stay.

OP posts:
TheHouseCleaner · 25/09/2013 23:08

But he's lying to your children OP. He's acting as if he cares about being a family man to them when in reality his family is far from being cared about. Being "good to" or "good with the kids" is far more than just spending time with them, playing with them or being affectionate to them. It's about being like that with their mother, as a complete family unit too, not just being "good" with them and treating her like shit so she feels miserable, undervalued, diminished and used.

Many women have had no money to leave and have had to start afresh. Rather that than the alternative. It can be done, it really can. Start putting money aside. Start taking copies of all documents, bank and mortgage statements and agreements, put birth certs in a safe place where he can't get to them. Go and see a solicitor for a free half hour appointment and the CAB to see what benefits you'd be entitled to.

He can sure try to be hell about the kids but a solicitor can assist you with that, and if that fails a court will order him to behave.

Arm yourself with knowledge about what you can do, what you're entitled to. Knowledge is power and you'll feel a lot stronger and more powerful when you have it under your belt.

Lweji · 25/09/2013 23:12

Moving away is typical of abusive men to try and isolate you.

Take control of your life. Move back.

You can do it.

Call WA for support, gather as much real life help as you can.

TBH, you should stay at your DM instead of going to collect the children.
Surely it's better to leave stuff behind than to live like this. :(

Original poster
NandH · 25/09/2013 23:41

I'll be back in the morning he's come upstairs

OP posts:
showtunesgirl · 25/09/2013 23:47

He doesn't have "woman/sex/attention issue", he's a prick.

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