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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is "D"p behaviour?

67 replies

NandH · 25/09/2013 22:41

We've just got back from a 6 hour round trip to drop dc off at my Dm's for a few days as we havnt had any time together since ds was born 8 months ago, this is much needed time together as we are struggling.

I've gone up for a shower and asked dp if he'll come keep me company and have a chat while I shower, as I often do for him, he says he wants to watch football, fine.10mins later I crept to the top of the stairs as it was completely quite down there, he was watching porn :( I don't like porn, he knows this, I'm more annoyed that he'd rather do that then come and have a conversation with me.

I said we're struggling as he has previously had online relationships, cheated on me away on a stag do and as a result given me an sti....

I literally feel sick :( so fed up, I wanted to enjoy a few days off with him but he's already ruined it.

I'm pretty sure he has some sort of woman/sex/attention issue :(

Just feel like complete shit tonight, I even went to the salon today to put a bit of effort into myself, what was the sodding point.

OP posts:

Lweji · 01/10/2013 11:57

So, what are you going to do?

YouTheCat · 01/10/2013 12:14

Is a taboo shop a sex shop?

He has no respect for you. He isn't going to listen to you because he's in control. Taking your phone off you is totally abusive and awful.

NandH, is it your house? If it is I'd suggest kicking him out as soon as possible and getting some advice from Women's Aid.

Original poster

NandH · 01/10/2013 12:34

Taboo is a sex shop, it did look odd from outside so I should have twigged, I was the only woman in there, it was so embarrassing.

Not my house, its rented, in his name.

I have no idea lweji ... if only there was a way to change him or help him think differently, our only issues are all sex related, nothing else. I don't understand it, I'm not frigid and I've allowed him basically do what he wants in the bedroom, I don't understand why that's not enough for him!

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 01/10/2013 12:37

But it isn't just sex related really. Not if he thinks he can dictate what you can and can't do by taking your phone away from you.

Speak to Women's Aid. They won't make you do anything you don't want to but they will listen to you.

Original poster

NandH · 01/10/2013 12:37

twatty ... your ex p and my p sound shockingly simular... what was the last straw for you?

OP posts:

Original poster

NandH · 01/10/2013 12:40

I'm not going to waste woman's aid time, they have far more important things to deal with than this.

OP posts:

Original poster

NandH · 01/10/2013 12:42

I know what you mean cat about the phone, but I do spend a lot of time browsing mn, and I did know where he put it and he didn't say anything when I went and got it :-/

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 01/10/2013 12:42

You won't be wasting their time.

YouTheCat · 01/10/2013 12:43

How would he react if you took his phone? Or the remote control or something like that?

I'd bet my bottom dollar he wouldn't meekly accept it.

fluffyraggies · 01/10/2013 12:45

Hello NandH - i was going to say the same as youthecat, it isn't just sex related now, he's started to try to control you out of the bedroom too.

I have a feeling i remember one of your old threads too :(

If you were a friend of mine i'd scoop you up and keep you at my house, safe and happy!

When it's safe to do so please please look into ringing woman's aid for some advice. Nothing will happen that you don;t want to as a result of your call. It may give you that little bit more strength you need. It's just a small step - but in the right direction

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 01/10/2013 13:07

I've allowed him basically do what he wants in the bedroom this is, for me, the reason you need to think about yourself and your self esteem. You have needs too and a right to have those needs met be they emotional, sexual, etc. You are not respected and are letting him dictate your life. you are clearly unhappy so don't put up with it, sort it out or get out you are worth more surely?

SanityClause · 01/10/2013 13:54

NandH, can I just say, since being on MN, I have started to make a regular contribution to WA.

People in situations like yours are the reason why I started to make these payments. I just wanted to feel like I was helping a bit.

What I want to say is, I wouldn't feel my donations were wasted if they went to help you.

Dawndonnaagain · 01/10/2013 14:06

N&H you are making excuses to yourself, maybe you feel like a failure because you've picked up another control freak (you are not), maybe you are sad because you can't seem to get it right (not your fault), maybe you think you don't deserve better (you do). Womens Aid hasn't got better things to do, it's there for women just like you and they would far rather you contact them now, than from your hospital bed. Make that call.

Original poster

NandH · 01/10/2013 15:35

cat tv remote would never be an issue as I rarely watch tv, and he knows I look through his phone and doesn't seem to have a problem with it :-/

fluffy you sound lovely, wish I had a friend like you!

sanity that's really nice that you do that, I still don't think I can call them.

. I'm embarrassed at my situation as much as anything else, what do I say 'I stupidly had a child with a horrid man but finally done a runner when he went into psychiatric care and silly me didn't learn her lesson and has had another child with another horrid man' ... I can think of more deserving women than me, this isn't the first time I've got myself into a situation like this :(

dawn that's exactly how I feel :(

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 01/10/2013 15:58

He doesn't have a problem with you looking but he'd have a problem with you denying him access to it, I bet.

OP, I spent nearly 20 years with a man who emotionally abused me (became physical and sexual towards the end when he felt he was losing control) and had no regard for me and very little for his kids.

I did feel stupid for putting up with it for as long as I did but it is understandable when you have been manipulated into believing what they say and do is 'normal' and you are being unreasonable all the time. I've broken the cycle now but it took some counselling to work through some of my self-esteem issues.

What do you want for you and your child? I can tell you for certain that one happy parent is better than two at odds all the time. In fact, my kids have 2 happy parents now. The ex and I were not right for each other and are both better parents apart than we ever were together.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2013 16:22

I can think of more deserving women than me, this isn't the first time I've got myself into a situation like this This is why you need to call WA and access support. There is NO more deserving woman than you, we are ALL equally deserving of being free of abuse. You didn't get yourself into these situations. Two abusive men targeted you, not your fault.

Original poster

NandH · 01/10/2013 21:03

Your probably right cat. Obviously I want the best for dc but they both absolutely love P and I don't wanna be the reason they ask where daddy is every day.

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