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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is "D"p behaviour?

67 replies

NandH · 25/09/2013 22:41

We've just got back from a 6 hour round trip to drop dc off at my Dm's for a few days as we havnt had any time together since ds was born 8 months ago, this is much needed time together as we are struggling.

I've gone up for a shower and asked dp if he'll come keep me company and have a chat while I shower, as I often do for him, he says he wants to watch football, fine.10mins later I crept to the top of the stairs as it was completely quite down there, he was watching porn :( I don't like porn, he knows this, I'm more annoyed that he'd rather do that then come and have a conversation with me.

I said we're struggling as he has previously had online relationships, cheated on me away on a stag do and as a result given me an sti....

I literally feel sick :( so fed up, I wanted to enjoy a few days off with him but he's already ruined it.

I'm pretty sure he has some sort of woman/sex/attention issue :(

Just feel like complete shit tonight, I even went to the salon today to put a bit of effort into myself, what was the sodding point.

OP posts:
Original poster
NandH · 25/09/2013 23:50

He's gone back down,

I can't move back, part of the reason we moved was to get away from my ex who use to stalk me, smash my car up and attack me, we moved quickly while ex was sectioned and put into a psychiatric unit.

My life isn't as bad as it sounds on here, writing this looks worse than it is.

OP posts:
Lweji · 25/09/2013 23:54

So, you've gone from the pot to the fire?

Do you see the pattern?

You can go to your mother now and then move elsewhere.

Is he still in a psychiatric unit?
With that background, you should be able to just phone the police.

Lweji · 25/09/2013 23:55

My life isn't as bad as it sounds on here, writing this looks worse than it is.

Or maybe writing makes it more clear and you don't like what you see.

It's easy to minimise when we can put things at the back of our minds.

Lj8893 · 26/09/2013 00:06

Jesus love, he sounds awful. You do realise that just because he doesn't physically hurt you he's not abusive?!

He is abusing you. Please leave him (I never say that, I'm always one for looking for ways to make a relationship work but not when it's abusive)

Original poster
NandH · 26/09/2013 00:07

I know lweji :( I don't understand how I get myself in these messes, no he's out at the moment, he's in and out of there like a yo yo, my number is on the police system so if I call it gets flagged up really quick. I won't move back, id constantly be on edge.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 26/09/2013 02:12

This is a bit of a classic, Nand. Because your last relationship was a fucking nightmare, this one doesn't seem so bad. He gave you an STD FFS.

Original poster
NandH · 26/09/2013 02:18

It's honestly not as bad. I'd rather have the sti than what exP did.

Can't sleep.

OP posts:
StraightJacket · 26/09/2013 02:59

But wouldn't you rather be happy, content, and safe with no abusive prick in your life and the risk of him giving you even more STI's?

You deserve better than this. And you will never get it whilst you stay with him.

SavoyCabbage · 26/09/2013 03:23

There's other choices though. As I'm sure you know. There's being with just your kids. And there's being with someone who is nice to you.

Twattybollocks · 26/09/2013 06:51

He may be a good dad but he is a shit partner. Do you want your children growing up believing that this is the norm for a relationship?
I kicked my dh out earlier this year after years of living with his porn and online sex/sexting addiction. He was also an excellent father, and continues to be an excellent father even though he no longer lives in the family home. I am much happier, much more confident now I'm no longer feeling like a drab knowing that he is choosing other women over me. Our sex life was shit as he would ask me to do stuff that I wasn't comfortable with, I would refuse and then feel like a prude or frigid and think that's the reason why he's online because I won't do this stuff with him, or that I was fat/ugly and that's why he needs to do stuff. It's taken a while but now I can clearly see that there's nothing wrong with me, he is the one with the problem and the abnormal attitude to sex.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 26/09/2013 07:14

Why are you with him? He can be a good Dad without the two of you being together.

I'm not sure why cheating on you and giving you an sti and having online relationships isn't enough for you to leave. There are always ways to leave but you seem to be giving a lot of excuses why you can't.

Just because your last relationship was worse doesnt mean you need to stick with this one. This one isn't any good either.

He doesn't give a shit.

gnittinggnome · 26/09/2013 10:48

I'd rather have the sti than what exP did.

There are other choices - it need not be one or the other. Agreeing with posters above - you need to talk to someone about your options with regards to leaving. It takes two people to mend a relationship, you can't do it on your own, and until he shows up and starts behaving like a good partner, it won't happen.

Lweji · 26/09/2013 11:03

You can start squirreling money to a separate bank account.

You can start getting information and local support. Work out benefits you'd have, etc

Work on a plan to leave. Even if you don't now as I think you will end up doing it, it will make you feel empowered and able to stand up to him.

Original poster
NandH · 30/09/2013 12:18

Sorry havnt been on, p took my phone.

I can't squirrel money, there is no money to squirrel, we just about get by every month, we don't have overdrafts or credit cards.

OP posts:
SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 30/09/2013 12:27

Why did he take your phone??

OP, you will not be able to see this while you're in the thick of it, but your relationship is not a good one. It seems tolerable because you're comparing it to your previously abusive experience and thinking "well it could be worse". Well, you deserve BETTER. You deserve to be respected and treated kindly.

There are ways to leave, no matter what your circumstances, if you want to. Women's Aid will help you when you're ready. In the meantime, keep talking to people here because there is a wealth of knowledge and support for you.

You don't deserve to feel this crap at the hands of someone who is supposed to care for you :(

Lweji · 30/09/2013 14:53

Taking your phone away is a form of domestic violence and theft.
You can report it to the police.
He is a bastard.

Please contact WA.

WilsonFrickett · 30/09/2013 14:59

Your last post was Thursday - has your P had your phone all weekend? Shock Why?

Original poster
NandH · 30/09/2013 15:12

Because he didn't want me mn'ing all weekend, apparently.

OP posts:
Dawndonnaagain · 30/09/2013 15:15

You are being bullied and controlled, get in touch with someone who can help you get out, quickly. He is going to be exactly the same as your last partner.

ScrambledSmegs · 30/09/2013 15:18

I think you've posted about him before? If you are the poster I'm thinking of, the sexual stuff was bad. Very bad. Sorry if I've got you mixed up with another poster.

I'm really worried for you and your DCs. From what you've written here he's not a good man. He's just an ever so slightly less bad man than your ex. Are you absolutely positive that he won't get worse? Because there is every possibility that your judgement has been affected by your experience with your ex?

YouTheCat · 30/09/2013 15:25

Call women's aid. Please.

He is abusive and controlling. He puts your health, both mental and physical, at risk and therefore is putting your children at risk too.

Xales · 30/09/2013 15:27

You have moved from one selfish, abusive, wanker to another.

Just because this one is a 7/10 wanker rather than a 10/10 wanker does not mean you should accept that this is the best you can do.

Your last ex actually had a reason, being mentally ill (not that it makes what you went through any more justified). What excuses does this one have?

petalsandstars · 30/09/2013 15:38

My OH can get annoyed about mn on phone but he would never take my phone away. That is a massive red flag for cutting you off from people who could help

WilsonFrickett · 30/09/2013 16:27

So what did you do all weekend OP? Did you have a nice time, doing things you both like to do? Or did you spend the weekend walking on eggshells while your P looked at porn at every opportunity?

Basically, Xales is right - your ex was a 10/10 wanker, your P is a 7/10 wanker. But he is quickly moving to 10/10 imo. Cutting you off from outside support/contact is yet another red flag.

Original poster
NandH · 01/10/2013 11:44

Yes I've posted about him a few times, stupid me still hasn't left :(

Wilson .... again I stupidly wasted my weekend, this was the first weekend since ds was born that I have had a real from the dc, my mum had them all weekend, I should of got out and got some help but I didn't/couldn't. Didn't really speak to P all weekend other than an afternoon out together to the local biggest shopping place, where we went into a taboo shop, I kid you not... I didn't know what it was until we got in there. He defiantly has a problem.

Then today he's text to say he loves me so much.... how can he :(

I've tried talking to him sooo many times about how he makes me feel and he still doesn't get it.

OP posts:
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