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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be hacked off with people telling me it's going to be a nightmare when I have DC3?

89 replies

Apparentlychilled · 25/09/2013 12:04

I'm 22 weeks pg with DC3. My other DC will be 5yrs and 26 months respectively when no3 arrives. I know I'm hormonal and sleep deprived, but AIBU to be hacked off by people commenting about how hard it will be having a third? It ranges from "how will you cope with 3, if this is how things are w 2", to "it's going to be a nightmare". And no, we have no serious issues with our DC (OK, DD has just started school and is having normal settling in problems but NOTHING out of the ordinary).

I was speaking to my Dsis this morning. She has 3, inc a small gap between DC2 and 3 and she kept banging on about how awful it'll be. Even when I said we're kind of committed at this stage and that I know new babies are hard work and that people commenting doesn't help. Nope, she still knows better.

AIBU to want to tell people to fuck off?

OP posts:

Donkeyok · 27/09/2013 23:38

Greencatseyes . what you should have had from MIL

Kaida · 28/09/2013 04:35

A little different, but my mum kept telling me over and over during my pregnancy with PFB how terribly difficult I was going to find baby plus three dogs. As in, literally every conversation. Eventually I snapped and asked her what the purpose of her telling me was, was she suggesting having the dogs PTS or an abortion, or just rubbing my nose in it? She stopped mentioning it, and actually apologised.

LuubyLuu · 28/09/2013 05:56

My third was easy peasy. He just slotted in, cos frankly he had no choice, school runs, reading practice, toddler groups, swimming lessons were all things to fit sleeps and feeds around.
He was by far the best baby, fed well, slept well, a delight to be with. Partly as a result of me knowing what I was doing by number three, partly nature, and also partly as a result of being endlessly entertained, looked after and loved by his big brothers.
I too had doom and gloom, more from my mother than anyone else which was annoying. I'm sure you will be absolutely fine.

CreatureRetorts · 28/09/2013 06:29

wonders if OP will be one of those people in a couple of years time

It's just something to say. And yes some people do find it hard. Much better that than people pretending that their babies sleep magically well etc etc.

MrsBennetsEldest · 28/09/2013 07:07

3 is the magic number. :)

I had 3 under 5 and yes there were times when I was really tested but I managed ( with no support) and strangely became a mother who could cope with anything 3 boys could fling at her. Mine are grown up now and are brilliant.
You will be great, you children will be great. Congratulations :)

Ilovegeorgeclooney · 28/09/2013 07:22

As someone who once (misty eyes) had 3 under 4 I would say it was amazing. They were gorgeous then and as is often the case DC3 was a cheerful, placid baby who went with the flow! I can honestly say they were some of the happiest days of my life! Yes, life was chaotic but full of fun and cuddles! I envy you! Enjoy!

Lilacroses · 28/09/2013 07:22

What are some people like? How completely thoughtless! My mum had myself and my brothers all within 3.5 years and she and my dad managed fine. Ignore them.

nennypops · 28/09/2013 07:24

I don't think it will necessarily be that hard. My three were at similar intervals to yours. With no. 3 I had all the systems down to a fine art and he basically had to fit in with the routine of the others. He still wasn't a great sleeper but in fact none of the DCs were, and again I had learned to cope by then. I think a lot of people seem to assume that the "proper" number of children is two, and that causes some of the pressure. Partly because of that, I regarded no. 3 as my little bonus. And now they're older, I'm absolutely delighted I had three.

pianodoodle · 28/09/2013 07:30

Anytime I'm having a bad day I think of my great gran who had ten children in a smaller house than me with no washing machine/tumble dryer/other time saving luxuries and probably didn't have two seconds to sit down during the day :)

I find it pretty awe inspiring although not necessarily enviable!

You know you'll cope fine. I'm quite stubborn if someone suggests something might be too hard I see that as a challenge

Stubborness has stopped me asking for help at times though and that's no good either. Coping with help is another (sensible) way of coping!

ballstoit · 28/09/2013 07:50

Just smile and say 'I'm sure we'll manage, I know you'll help out in any way you can'

My DC1 was 3, and DC2 just 2 when DC3 was born. Ex-h left while I was pg too. It was hard work, but you just have to prioritise. I think my matra for the first year or so came from mumsnet...'all fed, no one dead' I achieved that every day.

DC3 is 4 now, and the age gap is great...they play similar things, enjoy days out all together and, unlike my friends who have a bigger gap, all my DC are in bed by 8.

ToffeeCaramel · 28/09/2013 08:00

Don't worry. I found my second much harder work as a baby than my first (different personality) and if I ever mentioned how hard I was finding it I often seemed to be told by people that they had three children and the third "just slotted in" thus making me feel even more inadequate So plenty of people must find a third easy. I know someone with 6 and she said it all depends on the temperament of the baby how easy an extra child is. You might get an easy one!

ToffeeCaramel · 28/09/2013 08:02

I like Ballstoit's idea for a response.

superzero · 28/09/2013 08:08

YANBU.
I've got 3,eldest has only just turned 4 and started school.It is fine!I had 3 under 4 for 6 months and even that was ok.
My eldest was quite a naughty 3 year old and even my mum(who had 3 close together) commented on how I'd never manage unless I got on top of his behaviour.That was when I was about 16 weeks pregnant.
I was so worried about it all being a nightmare I arranged extra childcare and then felt like I had too much as it just wasn't that difficult.I worried the house would turn into a tip and that I'd never have time to cook or put laundry away but it's all been fine.
Baby no 3 has just fitted into our lives and the other 2 adore him!

crescentmoon · 28/09/2013 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pourmeanother · 28/09/2013 08:25

My MIL was incredibly opinionated when DH told her we are expecting DC3. Told him we were 'mad', would have no money to go on holidays and that it would be really hard work. She knew we were planning another but still couldn't hold back.

If she lifted a finger to actually help with my two DDs then I would have felt she had some vague right to offer her thoughts. As she doesn't get involved in helping at all though, as far as I'm concerned, she can go to hell and I won't be in any hurry whatsoever to be visiting her in the future.

She mentioned to DH recently that she and FIL were planning aholiday abroad for a fortnight at the time when I'm fully expecting to drop. She knows that's the only time we'd ever need her to look after our DDs while I'm in the hospital in labour. My parents live 6 hours away so unable to come to babysit at drop of hat. If we can't organise anything nearer the time I'm going to have to give birth by myself at hospital while DH stays home with little ones.

She looks after her other grandchildren a couple of days a week seemingly without complaint.

Cow.

Beastofburden · 28/09/2013 08:38

crescent did your mum actually have ten kids?

I am told 4 is a bigger jump, sorry, cos cars, houses, washing machines etc assume three kids.

Past five the older ones start to be bigger enough to help with the little ones so it becomes self sustaining.

ToffeeCaramel · 28/09/2013 08:41

Did you point out the holiday coincides with when you are due to give birth Pourme? Just wondering if they haven't realised.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 28/09/2013 08:42

I got the same, turns out they were right :-). Now I spread the wisdom to those with 2 who are not currently pregnant seems a lot more productive. Wouldn't go back in a million years though but I won't have 4.

ToffeeCaramel · 28/09/2013 08:43

Also if you explain you might need to give birth alone they might reconsider.

Original poster

Apparentlychilled · 28/09/2013 08:49

Oh, thank you all so much! I'm feeling so much better after reading all these posts! And I love ballstoit's saying of "all fed, no one dead"! - that's going to be my aim!

Earlier this week I had been feeling rubbish about my parenting but I've had a few days of forcing myself to be really, really calm, even when the DC are driving me doolally, and (unsurprisingly), it's all been so much better (even though DD had been up almost every night this week).

So maybe we will be ok after all! And screw anyone who makes shirty comments (whether from judginess or simply for something to say)!

OP posts:

crescentmoon · 28/09/2013 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Apparentlychilled · 28/09/2013 08:55

pourme- we had this when I was pg w DS. We had always assumed PIL would be available to look after DD while I was in labour. They had booked flights before we announced our news (which is fair enough) but were not willing to come back a few days early (from quite a long holiday, so not cutting their holiday in half or anything) even when we offered to pay for the extra tickets. In fact MIL suggested I "cross my legs" for a few days till they got back if I went into labour when they were away... My folks live abroad and my (unhelpful sister lives 5-6 hours away, so not an option). A friend agreed to have DD and she spent all day w then while we went to hospital. It was totally fine. So, yes, I'd spell it out to them re dates etc but remember, people are really kind and someone will step up. Good luck!

OP posts:

Original poster

Apparentlychilled · 28/09/2013 08:56

neun- are you my sister?!!!

OP posts:

pourmeanother · 28/09/2013 09:16

Oh no, they were planning the holiday after being told due date. I would be amazed if I didn't give birth at 38 wks as this is what has happened both times previously. Last time I had to give birth on lounge floor as was so quick couldn't get to hospital. Waters broke a good 12 hrs before labour properly started so we were able to get MIL at our home before it all haopened. She watched me give birth with DH while paramedics delivered. Rushed to hospital in ambulance straightaway after.

She knew the dates before booking holiday. She knows we have no one else to call on in an emergency.

The only thing I can think of to do is to ask my dad (who is retired) to come and stay with us from maybe 37 wks onwards to be on standby to babysit while I'm in hospital. He hasn't a clue how to change a nappy or do anyhing practical wih children so would be pretty difficult fir him to be running the show at home. He's 74. My mum works full time. Can't think of an alternative though.

When DH told me about their holiday plans I was very rude to him about his mum. Now I don't want to discuss it with him as I don't want to get upset and have us fall out over it. He somehow thinks someone will be able to step in. Has no suggestons who though! If I have to labour alone then so be it. I will have to go into hospital the minute waters break and stay there by myself until baby's ready to come. Could take 24 hrs until he fast labour kicks off or xould be straightaway. Unpredictable. Can't do a homebirth as need IV antibiotics for group b strep infection.

She knows all of this. I know she is just making some kind of sick point because she doesn't approve of a third child. Well fuck her. It's her son who may miss his child's birth because of her. I'll just have to cope. Midwives will look after me.

jamdonut · 28/09/2013 09:19

People are really unhelpful saying things like that. I know my mum thought I was mad, (it wasn't planned!) .

I have 3. Admittedly there is a bigger gap between them ...when youngest was born, middle was 3 and a half and eldest was nearly 8. It is a juggling act, but you manage. I never found it a nightmare, and I was working part-time too.(after maternity leave). DH's job was evening s at the time so he had the kids in the morning and saw the older two off to school and nursery ,and looked after the youngest till I came home at lunchtime. Then he had a couple of hours till he went to work and I went and did school pick-up etc.

However, I am not a domestic goddess, and my house is/was always untidy. But that doesn't bother me. Anyway...DH is the "domestic God" , so he tidies up after me! Don't stress about stuff that is unimportant, is the key, in my opinion.

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