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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hacked off with people telling me it's going to be a nightmare when I have DC3?

89 replies

Apparentlychilled · 25/09/2013 12:04

I'm 22 weeks pg with DC3. My other DC will be 5yrs and 26 months respectively when no3 arrives. I know I'm hormonal and sleep deprived, but AIBU to be hacked off by people commenting about how hard it will be having a third? It ranges from "how will you cope with 3, if this is how things are w 2", to "it's going to be a nightmare". And no, we have no serious issues with our DC (OK, DD has just started school and is having normal settling in problems but NOTHING out of the ordinary).

I was speaking to my Dsis this morning. She has 3, inc a small gap between DC2 and 3 and she kept banging on about how awful it'll be. Even when I said we're kind of committed at this stage and that I know new babies are hard work and that people commenting doesn't help. Nope, she still knows better.

AIBU to want to tell people to fuck off?

OP posts:
CrispyFB · 25/09/2013 13:43

Number three just slotted in here - oldest was 4.5, and DC2 somewhere in the middle. The first two had been such nightmare children (DC1 - awful colic and tantrums, DC2 - never sleeping) that when DC3 came along and did neither of those things, he seemed like a walk in the park.

Am pregnant with DC4 now, oldest will be 7.5 when this one arrives. Really hoping for a similar easy ride as with DC3 but who knows! But most of all I am absolutely DREADING the judgey comments about how I will cope once people spot my bump, which they will do any day now as I'm 14 weeks and just starting to genuinely show..

It seems society allows you two babies (although you still get the doom-merchants with those!) and anything after that, you're "brave", "insane", "get the TV fixed, did you?" (heard that one yesterday and she didn't even know I had a fourth on the way) and "was it an accident?" which annoys me most as we were trying for 13 cycles and had a ton of tests including surgery for me.

Why can't people just say "oooh, congratulations, how lovely!"?

ChocChaffinch · 25/09/2013 13:44

I'm pg with no. 3 and though at times assailed by doubt... I think about family events - big Christmases and birthday parties. it'll be wonderful.

also, the most negative reaction I had was also off my sister Hmm

shelley72 · 25/09/2013 13:56

I now have three. Yes it's chaotic, the summer hols were a nightmare [recovering from section and pnd]. It's hard, but not that much harder than two yet. Dc3 is the easiest going most chilled out baby you could wish for. She has made it do able. Dc1 and 2 adore her and watching them together is lovely and makes me remember that they are good children who love each other despite their squabbles

Ignore.You will be fine. And congratulations

QuintessentialShadows · 25/09/2013 13:58

Why not just respond "yes, that is why we have bought a nice basket, and a bottle of wine, and will leave him on the doorstep of our local Church"

StainlessSteelCat · 25/09/2013 14:12

I had this while pregnant with DC3, and ours are similar ages to yours. My next door neighbour even carried on with her stories of how DC3 inevitably led to domestic breakdown, terrible lives for all concerned and mental disintegration. As I have to live next door to her, I perfected the smile and nod, then come inside and vent to a friend. When MIL told me how much she'd regretted having her third, I walked off. Everyone else got a non-committal response.

It's all bollocks btw. DC3 is not a nightmare, having 3 DC is not a nightmare. We do not need a people carrier. We do not need psychiatric help. We did need to adapt, but not as much as after having the first.

The only thing I regret is not being ruder in my replies, then blaming it on the hormones Wink

Lovestosing · 25/09/2013 14:46

People can be so rude. I had lots of "You must be mad", "Haven't you heard of contraception?" "You've got one of each, why would you want another?" and my personal favourite "I assume your DH will be getting the snip?" I took great pleasure in telling people that DC3 was very much planned and no DH wasn't getting the snip as we were probably going to have more (a white lie!)
I had 3 DC in 3 and a half years and it was a lot harder than I thought it would be at first TBH. However it was still lovely and DCs 1 and 2 adored DC3 from the start. I wouldn't change or for the world, in fact it's almost too easy now, I'd love another as I know I could cope (DH works away a lot) but DH isn't all that willing. So yes it will be hard but totally worth it. Congratulations!

Original poster
Apparentlychilled · 25/09/2013 15:03

ooh, yes Lovestosing- I've had the "you've got one of each" thing.

I'm not dissing anyone who feels their family is complete with once they have one of each gender, but it was never about that for me. For some reason I've always had 3 in my head as the right number for us. And when I was pg with DC2, I just felt like I wasn't done yet. And the "one of each" thing kind of makes me feels like my DC are only good enough (in others' eyes wrt finishing our family) if they come out the right flavour.... aaagh.

I realise I may be over thinking this though.

OP posts:
missorinoco · 25/09/2013 15:12

YANBU, but use it. "Do you think so? Good job you'll be around to help out. I'll put you down for a meal should I?" Or "Oh well. XXXX are my favourite chocolates, I had better warn you in advance."

That'll stop them soon enough.

It'll be fine. Your age gap is nice.

peacypops · 25/09/2013 15:39

YANBU. I am due to have DC3 any day now (in fact I think I may be in very early labour!) and even though I know it will be hard work at times, I am also very excited about it all. Most of the friends I have who already have three have actually said that it's not as hard as you imagine, and that the third child just fits in and you have no choice to get on with it as you have the other childrens' routines (i.e. school etc.) to follow. Both DH and I felt exactly the same as you in that we always felt that we weren't 'done' after number two. Good luck!

zatyaballerina · 25/09/2013 16:08

yanbu, you're sleep deprived, hormonal and entitled to take them up whatever way they want. With some people, it's almost like their wishing it upon you.

DidoTheDodo · 25/09/2013 16:10

I had three in 3.5 years. It was great. Honestly. Hard work, yes, but they were all interested in much the same things and it wasn't that stressful at all.

steppemum · 25/09/2013 16:10

I have 3 with same age gaps as your op.

dc1 had just started school too. It was great, yes a bit frantic at times when getting everyone ready, but I found that actually we were already in family mode, and dc3 just slotted right in in. I think 3rd babies have to learn to be flexible and I was so much more relaxed by no. 3 than I was with no.1

steppemum · 25/09/2013 16:12

I always wanted to turn the comment round

''you have 2? how very....conventional, I prefer to be more original and creative''

but never did because my mum went and taught me manners (to all 3 of us Grin )

Original poster
Apparentlychilled · 26/09/2013 16:26

Buoyed up by all your comments I nipped another "ooh, 3 etc" in the bud today! A mum at school started to say something and I just said (in a really lighthearted tone) "please don't say it's going to be a nightmare, I've had loads of comments like that this week", and then 2 other mins (who have 3 or more each) chipped in, saying "it'll be fine"- yay for not giving air time to unhelpful comments!

OP posts:
bababababoom · 27/09/2013 21:19

You have the same age gaps as I have, and after a very demanding 2nd child and PND I was scared about having a third...but it turned out to be wonderful, and I promise I enjoyed every minute of her first year. I found the jump from 2 to 3 so much easier than 1 to 2, she was a delight from day 1 and the other 2 played together when I needed to sit and feed etc. So no, YANBU.

Donkeyok · 27/09/2013 21:27

People are just trying to relate to you - but doesn't mean they are wise or helpful or not wanting to put themselves first. I agree with saying 'I just produce the most marvellously easy babies, I am BLESSED' big smile which you know means Feck off.

Fakebook · 27/09/2013 21:33

I'm 34wks with dc3 and also have a similar age gap. Dd should be almost 6 (depending on baby being on time) and ds will be 22m. tbh have only had one person make this "nightmare" comment over and over again everytime I meet her Hmm. Other than her, I've had a few raised eyebrows and I know inwardly they're thinking the same but not saying it.

My problem is that DS is really really active. On the school run he wants to walk around Dd's classroom and touch everything and I'm just worried that the baby will be screaming and DS will be screaming and people will look at me and think "why?"

That's my main fear.

There was a thread on here a few months ago about how someone had told the OP that the third child causes the husband to run off with his secretary. Hope that's not true either!

SkinnybitchWannabe · 27/09/2013 21:35

Ive got 3 ds and my third was an absolutr breeze!
He was such an easy baby..maybe because I was so relaxed and knew everything I needed to know Grin
Ive never listened to any of the 'advice' or opinions people have given me.
Smile and ignore 3 children=3x the fun, hugs and laughter.
Good luck (not that you'll need it

Summerblaze · 27/09/2013 21:40

I have slightly bigger age gaps as I have DD (9), DS1 (5) and DS2 (1), although DS1 has developmental delay. I had the same comments about how difficult it was going to be blah, blah, blah. The worst offender was my MIL.

I didn't find a massive leap going from 2 to 3. The major thing for me is the washing/ironing pile (its seriously huge).

Some people find parenting 1 child stressful and others make looking after 6 kids a doodle. Those who choose to tell you how awful it will be, may not have been able to cope with 3. This does not mean that you won't be able to.

Bogeyface · 27/09/2013 21:44

I have 6 and honestly, it gets easier with everyone one after the magic 2! Going from 1 to 2 was far harder than having my first or any of the ones after! 3 was far easier because you already know how to split your time, you have already figured out that the screaming baby is lower down the priority list than the toddler with a grazed knee (something your couldnt have imagined when you had 1!), that the screaming baby is higher up the list than a toddler having a paddy because Peppa Pig isnt on the TV and that pristine floors and ironed clothes really are not the be all and end all!

Tell your sister, from me, "I find that children are as hard as you make them!" . Totally untrue but it wont half wind her up :o

greencatseyes · 27/09/2013 22:57

Yanbu!

MIL asked if we were 'going to keep them' when we told her DS2 & # were twins.

You''l be fine if the others can walk Wink

greencatseyes · 27/09/2013 22:58

DS3

Flumpyflumps · 27/09/2013 23:02

Peacypops any baby to report???

lescoxienelles · 27/09/2013 23:09

Haha.. yanbu.. it's your right & choice to have 3!! But I have three.. ds10, dd1.8 & dd2 6... they are a bloomin nightmare, drive me nuts, never stop fighting or ganging up on one or other... tiring, boring, infuriating, challenging, but the absolute loves of my life. Would I change it? Yes! I should have gone on and had the forth as planned to even things up, but didn't, too late now too. I would be and am one of those anoying people to say.. omg 3 !! Good luck ! ;) but seriously enjoy and good luck :)

NaturalBaby · 27/09/2013 23:17

I had 3 under 3 and it nearly broke me. I dragged the HV out to 'fix' me, practically pleaded for drugs from the GP but couldn't take anything as I ebf for 8 months but there is no way I would have listened to anyone who had anything to say about how tough it would be.

I did have a strict routine from day 1 and my older 2 were very good together so the childcare aspect was fine - it was the housework and husband that I struggled with!
Now that ds3 is coming up to 3yrs old it's lovely (potty trained, cot sides off, off to preschool...) and he is, of course, completely and utterly spoiled and a complete stereotype youngest child.