..to be really annoyed abt male 'friend' making rape jokes to tease me? (triggar warning)

[wheeler]

[again, triggar warning, some explicit and not nice comments abt rape]

this morning a local male friend of me and DP dropped by our house (we both work at home) for a quick tea with DP. i haven't seen him for a few weeks and i dipped in and out of the convo, but was trying to work!

we often all talk abt politics broadly, what's in news, party politics etc. i think maybe he felt like he wasn't getting enough of my attention and he started on the women's equality chestnut. this often leads nowhere, i just bite my tongue. so he upgraded, as he's done once before, to rape and had a rant abt rape as 'basically a mating/dating strategy', an innate male urge, survival of the fittest claptrap, the male of any species, and anyway it's what women want, look how some of them dress etc.

it's horrible, nasty, totally unthoughtful, and also what really annoys me is that we both know - don't we - that the point of this so-called argument is to make a kind of excuse for rape. it's kind of saying it's an inevitable product of a primeval urge right?...

thing is, he's kind of grinning when he says it, and i think he does this cos i have a connection to women's rights stuff (activist, when i have time!) and i think that's exactly why he's doing it. i doubt he'd either dare or even bother to say it to another woman friend.

today - it really upset me, i rose to it, tried to give him rational reasons as to why he was wrong and in seconds i felt like......i just gave you what you wanted, you upset me, you provoked me, and now i feel like i'm 15 and dealing with nasty boys at school. worse, you don't even actually care abt this issue at all.

this guy has a DS and a DD. he knows other political stuff, like party politics, pretty well, but knows very little abt sexual violence, as in incidence rates, why women don't report it, consequences etc. and, he doesn't even know me well so why does he think it's ok to say that to me?

or - the AIBU bit - am i just 'political correctness gone mad' man, take a joke, lighten up, heck use the opp to change his mind...?

i usually like this guy, and i do like his DP and kids. what i feel tonight is, i don't want to see him for quite a while. he makes me sick.

That is absolutely disgusting.
Yanbu AT ALL.

YANBU. He has a daughter, and he still comes out with that?

I would be avoiding him too.

he sounds like a nasty little bigot. Does he have any redeeming qualities at all?

well he isn't really a 'friend', he sounds deeply unpleasant and disrespectful. How did/does your dp respond when he makes these awful remarks.
In your position I would cut off contact (up to your dp what he does, obviously). tell your dp that this person is unwelcome in your home when you are there. If his wife makes contact, you may need to tell her honestly how he has deliberately and nastily set out to distress you.

Also to answer another of your questions, he thinks it is ok because he is misogynistic.

I'm curious .. .what did you DP say to all this? I have to say, EH and I don't always see eye to eye on loads of things, but I know for a fact that he would have jumped in and told him to drop it or leave.

Why are you and DP still associating with him?

If anyone spoke like that in my home I would ask them to leave, and to never return or contact me or my family again. Calmly, quietly - and firmly. And I would mean it.

OK, so assuming that he is just "winding you up" and trying to get a rise out of you, ask him how he would feel if it was his DD who had come home having been raped. Ask how he thinks she would feel about it, how he would feel, whether he would be saying the same things then? etc.

On the other hand, you could just tell him that he's a twat!

I'm usually on the "pc gorn mad" side and not easily shocked or angered but I would be if I were in your shoes. You're not unreasonable in the least and the man is behaving disgracefully.

Do you feel confident that you and your other half could put on a united front and tell the man that whatever he may believe or even if he's only trying to instigate a passionate political debate his comments are unwelcome in your home and you'd prefer him to keep his opinions on the subject to himself in your house in future?

He's a dick.

Thank him for his honesty, tell him that you know now never to be alone with him and you will warn all your mutual friends accordingly.

He sounds like a real woman hater. I'd have nothing to do with him.

what did my DP do? - he didn't say anything. and this evening i've had a glass of wine and gently asked him why he didn't say anything, and he just kind of shrugs and says '..i saw it coming, he's winding you up, it's what he's like...' and when i pressed him on 'but do you think those comments are ok, esp directed at me with a big grin like that' he said no but no point arguing with him. i don;t want to criticise DP online but...he suffers fools, he's a bit soft, he has other nice qualities etc etc.

that might be why i've mulled it all day tho. DP was there last time and didn't say anything then either. nor does he when MIL being all daily mail racist...

That man would no longer be a friend of mine, and I'd make it quite clear he was no longer welcome in our house.

Repeat back to him what he says but use his daughter's name. Remember to grin so he knows you're just on a wind up so it's ok!

Thing is it sounds like he takes people's triggers and takes the opposing position (whatever his own true opinion) to wind them up. Whether this is his real opinion or not, who knows.

Or just tell him coldly and calmly that if he ever comes out with this shit again he will not be allowed back in your house. Or get your DH to tell him.

Tell him to fuck off out of your house if there's a next time.

This so called friend sounds like an utter dickhead. Can't believe he has a DD. Even if he doesn't believe it and was saying it to be 'funny' and/or get a rise out of you (which I guess is the lesser than two evils) then it's still wildly inappropriate and incredibly insensitive.

If it was me I'd never see him again, or allow him back in my house

xxx

ok, thanks for very clear views. i feel abs right now in telling him it's not forgotten and it's not on. when i run into him, cos i won't be looking for him or making any arrangements. our kids are all too young to explain this to (why can't we go to x's house) but as one of you said, he's not the best person to have round my kids anyway...

as soon as he started it I would have calmly walked to the door, opened it and smiled politely at him whilst he processed the realisation that was telling him to get the fuck out of my house. then as he walked out I would have said "your sort is not welcome here. don't come back"

Tell him to fuck off out of your house & to think about how he'd feel if his mum, sister, wife or daughter was the woman involved.

Might be best to stay calm and very polite and say it offends you, especiallybas he has a wife and dauter and just ask him to leave as you don't want to be made to feel like that in your own home. To rise and try and counter him rationally will just give him what he wants.

I would have made him leave. Tosser.

I had this problem with a male friend.... I just wrote him a really long letter telling him how I felt and how bad it was that he joked like that.. and he stopped. He valued our friendship.

He sounds like a rapist.

Disgusting creature.

I agree with telling him exactly why you don't want him near you or your dds, just in case he gets one of those uncontrollable urges that are just natural.