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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to be really annoyed abt male 'friend' making rape jokes to tease me? (triggar warning)

75 replies

wheeler · 24/09/2013 21:07

[again, triggar warning, some explicit and not nice comments abt rape]

this morning a local male friend of me and DP dropped by our house (we both work at home) for a quick tea with DP. i haven't seen him for a few weeks and i dipped in and out of the convo, but was trying to work!

we often all talk abt politics broadly, what's in news, party politics etc. i think maybe he felt like he wasn't getting enough of my attention and he started on the women's equality chestnut. this often leads nowhere, i just bite my tongue. so he upgraded, as he's done once before, to rape and had a rant abt rape as 'basically a mating/dating strategy', an innate male urge, survival of the fittest claptrap, the male of any species, and anyway it's what women want, look how some of them dress etc.

it's horrible, nasty, totally unthoughtful, and also what really annoys me is that we both know - don't we - that the point of this so-called argument is to make a kind of excuse for rape. it's kind of saying it's an inevitable product of a primeval urge right?...

thing is, he's kind of grinning when he says it, and i think he does this cos i have a connection to women's rights stuff (activist, when i have time!) and i think that's exactly why he's doing it. i doubt he'd either dare or even bother to say it to another woman friend.

today - it really upset me, i rose to it, tried to give him rational reasons as to why he was wrong and in seconds i felt like......i just gave you what you wanted, you upset me, you provoked me, and now i feel like i'm 15 and dealing with nasty boys at school. worse, you don't even actually care abt this issue at all.

this guy has a DS and a DD. he knows other political stuff, like party politics, pretty well, but knows very little abt sexual violence, as in incidence rates, why women don't report it, consequences etc. and, he doesn't even know me well so why does he think it's ok to say that to me?

or - the AIBU bit - am i just 'political correctness gone mad' man, take a joke, lighten up, heck use the opp to change his mind...?

i usually like this guy, and i do like his DP and kids. what i feel tonight is, i don't want to see him for quite a while. he makes me sick.

OP posts:

olgaga · 25/09/2013 08:50

Sorry about the mistakes on that post!

Catsize · 25/09/2013 08:57

sparkle, my sister-in-law was raped and her father blamed her. Not sure such an approach registers with such men.

MistressDeeCee · 25/09/2013 09:03

OP Id cut off this friendship. What a cheek..this man has NO respect for you and your friendship whatsoever. I suspect he wouldnt taik such offensive nonsense in front of other female friends, or family members. He is doing this to you as something about you annoys him, and he needs to goad you.

Tell him to piss off, I wouldnt even get into further dialogue with him..who the hell wants a man like that around? He believes rape is right, and his stance on talking to you about it is aggressively bullying. Theres absolutely no point trying to reason with him, if he was reasonable he'd not have presented such a disgustingly offensive viewpoint to you as a woman in the 1st place. Get rid of the obnoxious idiot.

NicholasTeakozy · 25/09/2013 09:15

YADNBU in the slightest. AF has the right approach imo, ask him if it's ok if it's him that gets raped. That should shut the misogynistic idiot up.

limitedperiodonly · 25/09/2013 09:27

Does he spill people's pints in pubs and tell them it was a joke or does he only wind up safe targets?

For me, it almost doesn't matter that it's about rape. If a guest in my house laughed at my curtains, I'd ask him to leave and not come back.

That was if my DH didn't get there before me.

It's a waste of your time to try to educate him or work out why he holds these views. Possibly he doesn't believe them, he just knows they annoy you.

If you shared his views he'd find some other way to press your buttons because he is a dick.

One day he'll wind up the wrong person and find out that it's not only girls in short skirts who ask for violence.

MistressDeeCee · 25/09/2013 09:30

In my experience disrespectful men dont take any notice of statements such as 'would it be ok if you got raped'. He believes he is right, a mere woman telling him he is wrong wont make a difference at all; he doesnt respect women or their views which is precisely why, he feels its ok to talk to a woman in this way about such a distasteful subject for women.

Its a waste of breath even attempting to tell the ignorant anything..he isnt going to say 'oh yes thats true, sorry I hadnt thought of that'..

Dont credit intelligence where it isnt due..

Littlegreyauditor · 25/09/2013 09:46

Does he feel inferior to you in some way OP? It certainly seems that way, when he has to come into your home and actively try to upset you to get his jollies.

It seems all is not rosy in his world. He is playing the more traditional female role and resents it like hell. He can't take it out on his wife, so he comes to your home and struts around all Alpha male with his opinions, knowing your DH won't stand up to him. It's all about power (as is his subject matter, funnily enough).

Pathetic little man. He would certainly not be welcome again if it were me.

hackmum · 25/09/2013 09:54

"Does he feel inferior to you in some way OP?"

That sounds likely to me too. I think some men really dislike/are frightened of intelligent, capable women, and I think that's what's going on here. It's a way of putting you in his place. I don't think you should ever argue back (he doesn't deserve the compliment of rational opposition, to quote Jane Austen), so just ignore him or make some pitying remark about how awful it must be for his partner and daughter to live with a man who has such contempt for women.

TalkativeJim · 25/09/2013 10:04

It's just so much simpler than this. Why do you want this person as a friend?

If he can say this stuff, then the sad fact is that he isn't caring, funny, lefty all-textbook-good-stuff at all, he's a WANKER in good-stuff clothing.

He really is. Because good people really do feel that rape is never something to joke about.

I really would cut contact. And when you get the 'aww I was JOKING!' - you just look at him and say, 'Yes, I know. But I think that it's not something to joke about. Well, correction - it's something dickheads joke about. I don't hate you, but I simply don't want your friendship any more. I don't want you in my house thinking it's ok to joke like that. And presumably you don't want to be 'friends' with someone who genuinely now thinks you're a complete fuckwit. So let's leave it.'

KellyElly · 25/09/2013 10:15

I would have told him to get the fuck out of my house and reassessed my friendship with such a complete wanker.

MistressDeeCee · 25/09/2013 10:18

^^ exactly Talkative Jim. It really is as simple as that.

Furthermore - I certainly wouldnt waste my precious time thinking of witty comebacks, or speeches to make him see the error of his ways (as if...). When people are as abhorrent as this its best to keep a wide berth. From what youve said OP you won't feel comfortable with this man again. Its a friendship you can do without.

OldSchoolMamma · 25/09/2013 10:23

I think you should make it clear you don't want a twat like him in your house. I wonder if he would still have the same stupid opinion if something happened to his own DD.

SoupDragon · 25/09/2013 10:27

I wonder if he feels the same about a man being raped. Twat.

StuntGirl · 25/09/2013 10:33

One of the things I hate about the "Oh it's just a joke I don't mean it haha" brigade (aside from just generally being vile) is you never know who's in your audience. I had a colleague for a while who would see a pretty woman and say "I'd rape her". It became the 'funny thing to say' at my work, and it was used with alarming regularity because 'it was just a joke'. What they didn't know was at least one of their colleages had been raped, and she had to hear this every single day at work :(

Vivacia · 25/09/2013 11:00

I was just thinking about stuntgirl most people talk about rape as thought nobody in the room has been raped or sexually assaulted at some point.

I'm voting with those who say to thank him for his honesty, his opinions show that he presents a risk of being a rapist, and for the safety of everybody in the house you can't permit him to be there.

As for your partner, he needs to grow a backbone.

JohFlow · 25/09/2013 21:33

What's with that? Is he for real? His words are an absolute deal-breaker. Would not want to associate with him anymore. How 'base' !!

IamGluezilla · 25/09/2013 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BangOn · 25/09/2013 21:50

is your 'friend' Godfrey Bloom?

He sounds like a potential rapist. He was probably grinning like that because he knew you were alone with him & defenceless & he could act on his sick 'beliefs' at the drop of a hat.

FGS O/P believe what this man is showing you.

Moonstorm · 25/09/2013 22:25

I agree with Bangon. It sounds like he is testing you. Almost warning you verbally. Justifying it in advance? Most people know their rapist. I could obviously be very, very wrong, but I would not be alone with him in the future.

Fairenuff · 25/09/2013 22:30

OP wasn't alone with him at the time, her dh was also there.

But if this man is saying all this in front of your dh and he is allowing it, OP, what kind of message is he sending? It's ok to talk to my wife like that, in her own home, on purpose to upset and possibly intimidate her?

I think you should have a really serious discussion with your dh and agree not to have anything more to do with the twunt. Would your dh try to defend him, do you think. I know mine wouldn't.

Moonstorm · 25/09/2013 22:46

I know she wasn't alone this time, I mean to make sure she wasn't alone with him. I think men don't always read so much into things. It was a 'joke' therefore nothing more...

Fairenuff · 25/09/2013 22:50

Sorry Moon, it was Bangon that said 'he knew you were alone with him'. But yes, probably best not to be alone with him in future.

The thing about the dh is, if OP told him that she felt the man posed a risk, would her dh support her?

Moonstorm · 25/09/2013 22:54

Oops sorry

It's so hard without having been there, but reading makes me feel so uncomfortable.

Have you spoken to dh about it OP?

DebrisSlide · 25/09/2013 23:09

Oh, how I dislike lefty aresholes who are safe in the knowledge of the protection of their narrow-life maleness against male sexual violence. And the weakness of their penis-bretheren who let it slide.

He is a real life troll, OP. And your husband is like posters on here who watch troll-attacks with increasing horror but take self-preservation to the max and sit it out.

I would be angry at one and disappointed in the other. And depending on the time of day and wine consumption, which person got which category would vary.

VerySmallSqueak · 25/09/2013 23:09

I think I would either have nothing more to do with him,arrange for him to come round,or make closer friendships with his wife and kids.
First one is self explanatory.
Second one.Well,maybe you could invite him over and sit down with a coffee and introduce the subject yourself so you have control.Get him on the back foot and make him really explain his stance.Question him.Don't give him an escape route.When he's made a fool of himself tell him just how unfunny and upsetting it is to hear someone talk like that.
Third one.Make a closer relationship with his wife and kids as you say you like them,and give him the cold shoulder.He'll soon get the picture that they're more interesting than he is.

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