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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD? parents didnt bother sending wedding anniversary wishes :-(

67 replies

lineup · 24/09/2013 10:41

SO this week DH & I celebrated a significant wedding anniversary

It was lovely & I feel so happy, have had so many good wishes from DH family, our friends etc texts/facebook messages etc

But absolutely NOTHING from my parents. NOTHING! I'm going through a range of emotions about this DM was always difficult growing up (physically abusive towards my sister/moody/unemotional/critical towards me/ etc)

I've felt sad, confused, upset and now getting very angry. very tempted to email or text her asking did she intentionally not send any good wishes for what i consider a big achievement in my life, to be happily married for so long?

she did know when it was btw, she hasnt forgotten, as my sister asked her did she know about my anniversary & she flippantly replied yes, I know when it is

aibu to get angry and should I tackle her about it? or just let it slide, as usual with her crap behaviour

OP posts:

Idespair · 24/09/2013 10:43

I'd forget about it and focus on the decent people in your life.

What do you expect to gain from a confrontation with someone who has always been difficult? There is nothing to gain.

Happy anniversary anyway!

WaitMonkey · 24/09/2013 10:44

I've never had an anniversary card from my parents. I get a couple of friends and family, but most people I know don't send them. I've never sent one either.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 24/09/2013 10:44

I have a feeling it will piss the miserable harpy her off more if you do not react at all. She is probably waiting for the results of her vicious spiteful little game of manipulation to appear (in the form of a text/call/email from you) to let her know she's succeded in hurting you, so deny her the satisfaction, ignore completely, never mention it, and get on with your life with your own family.

Xiaoxiong · 24/09/2013 10:46

If this something that is usually marked in your family and your parents would expect you to congratulate them on a significant wedding anniversary, YANBU.

If on the other hand they are like my family, have only a vague idea of when anniversaries are but aren't really bothered and don't expect me to be bothered about their anniversaries either, then YABU.

However...this makes me think it's not about the anniversary, it's about something else:

DM was always difficult growing up (physically abusive towards my sister/moody/unemotional/critical towards me/ etc)

I think this is really where the issue is - might be worth focusing on this instead? I think with someone like this emailing her asking why she didn't congratulate you on an anniversary will be like a drop in the ocean of things you want to ask her about why she did them, IYSWIM.

StealthToddler · 24/09/2013 10:46

Never been bothered about it myself. Am more surprised when I do get cards for anniversaries. I guess if it was 25 or 50 years and I was having a party for it then it would be nice but otherwise think its just spending more money in cards that go pretty much straight into recycling and line pockets of the card companies. If DH forgot I might be annoyed a bit but only a bit.

Fleurdebleurgh · 24/09/2013 10:47

YABU.

Do people really expect others to care that theyve reached a marriage milestone?

ProphetOfDoom · 24/09/2013 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 24/09/2013 10:47

Under normal circumstances I would say it's no big deal. I don't send cards or congratulations on other people's anniversaries and don't receive them either. I think anniversaries are personal between you and your husband.

However sounds like there is a bigger back story to this?

notthefirstagainstthewall · 24/09/2013 10:50

Have they celebrated any others with you?

To be honest it's a marriage - you are expected to make it for 20 years or so till one of you dies. I think couples should enjoy the day but it's no one elses business surely. They're not really celebrated in our family can you tell!

becsbornunderadancingstar · 24/09/2013 10:50

My parents wouldn't send an anniversary card or message. They're lovely and we get on very well.

Thing is, I'm not sure whether being happily married for a long time is an achievement. I mean, I work at my marriage but I consider myself fortunate rather than a high achiever. Because otherwise people who get divorced or are in terrible abusive marriages have 'failed' somehow and I really don't believe that.

I'm sorry about your childhood experiences and can understand why you feel angry with your parents. Congratulations on your wedding anniversary, and I wish you many more happy years.

LesserSpottedNeckSnake · 24/09/2013 10:53

I've never had an anniversary card from anyone but my DH. Although on a significant anniversary, I would expect a congratulations and some talk about how we would be celebrating etc.

Original poster

lineup · 24/09/2013 10:54

i wasnt expecting her to spend money on a card & a stamp, i understand that

but she uses facebook more than me, texts all the time to everyone, and yet, couldnt bring herself to send a free comment of good wishes on my status that it was a happy day etc not wishing to sound smug etc etc but i am so happy and in love with DH and it was so nice to share this with friends and other family

i guess am just sad and disappointed that she is clearly choosing not to send any joy our way, but actually, i didnt expect any, as i'm so used to her behaviour being unpredictable and critical after so many years

i think i'll take the advice of pombear & smaltzing, to let. it. go and resist all attempts to challenge her on it

OP posts:

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 24/09/2013 10:55

I think yabu. All this card shit is just companies making money. Once you stop being a kid even birthdays aren't significant. To me wedding anniversary cards are like "congratulations for breathing" your supposed to stay married that's the point of it.

However that doesn't mean I don't care about people just that every aspect of their lives is not my business.

It does sound like there's more to it though.

Parmarella · 24/09/2013 10:56

yabu, anniversary's are nice for the couple to celebrate.

If anyone else remembers, nice, but not a requirement IMO.

You could really make yourself upset about anything really, your parents clearly think your anniversary is something between you and your DH. As would I.

Original poster

lineup · 24/09/2013 10:57

yeah agree caffeinedrip, like i said, i didnt want a card from her at all

but she clearly couldnt send a text or email - and she is on her laptop mostly ALL day every day!

OP posts:

Ifcatshadthumbs · 24/09/2013 10:57

Actually I think if you had put a status on your facebook page about it and she regularly uses facebook then it is pretty shitty not to even "like" it. I mean it's a click of a button. So yes I think she is sending a pointed message by not commenting on facebook.

I also agree don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she has bothered you.

Original poster

lineup · 24/09/2013 10:59

parmarella - i see your point but last year she called, sent a card, sent a fb post...not sure what is going on this year.

anyhow, distracting myself with other things today to try and forget about it, thanks for all your views, it helps

OP posts:

Original poster

lineup · 24/09/2013 11:00

thanks Cats, yep, not even a like or a click of a button to say congrats

bizarre

OP posts:

firesidechat · 24/09/2013 11:02

Unless I was having a party I wouldn't expect anyone to remember our wedding anniversary. We sent our daughter and son in law a card for their first anniversary, but the next one I send will probably be their 25th if I'm still around.

I tend to think of a wedding anniversary as something for the couple themselves rather than friends and family.

How significant is significant?

hatsybatsy · 24/09/2013 11:04

I really think anniversaries are different for different people - I would never dream of sending anyone a card. My parents got one at 25 and 40 but that was it! MIL expects dh to send her one each year - think he mostly forgets! So YABU about that.

This is not really about the anniversary card/message though is it? This is about you not being happy with your relation ship with your Mum.....

scarletforya · 24/09/2013 11:05

Yabu

Wedding anniversaries are non events. I think youre being precious. Anniversaryzilla?

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 24/09/2013 11:07

But honestly, Would you want her to lie? I mean a message wouldn't change how she is or what she's done? Wouldn't make anything better. Would you rather she sent empty happy wishes or nothing at all?

Even if she sent one she probably wouldn't have meant it.

funkybuddah · 24/09/2013 11:09

Anniversaries ate Fir the couple involved, they are quite insignificant to others, we never celebrate siblings/grandparents anniversaries.

kiriwawa · 24/09/2013 11:10

She sounds like a pretty crappy mother. I don't think you should have any expectations of her behaving like a decent human being tbh :(

candycoatedwaterdrops · 24/09/2013 11:10

Under normal circumstances, I would have said YABU but if she is a prolific FB user and you know it's highly like she would have seen it, then YANBU. It wouldn't have even take much effort to acknowledge it by clicking like! However, I agree with PPs that this doesn't seem to be about your anniversary but linked to a poor relationship. You said you have other family and friends, well I'd focus your time and energy on them and not your selfish mother. Don't let her ruin your momentous occasion and also as someone else said, she's probably waiting for you to phone her and ask, so don't. The best revenge is to live your live and be happy - cheesy but true!

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