WWYD? parents didnt bother sending wedding anniversary wishes :-(

[lineup]

SO this week DH & I celebrated a significant wedding anniversary

It was lovely & I feel so happy, have had so many good wishes from DH family, our friends etc texts/facebook messages etc

But absolutely NOTHING from my parents. NOTHING! I'm going through a range of emotions about this DM was always difficult growing up (physically abusive towards my sister/moody/unemotional/critical towards me/ etc)

I've felt sad, confused, upset and now getting very angry. very tempted to email or text her asking did she intentionally not send any good wishes for what i consider a big achievement in my life, to be happily married for so long?

she did know when it was btw, she hasnt forgotten, as my sister asked her did she know about my anniversary & she flippantly replied yes, I know when it is

aibu to get angry and should I tackle her about it? or just let it slide, as usual with her crap behaviour

I agree with Xiaoxiong:

"DM was always difficult growing up (physically abusive towards my sister/moody/unemotional/critical towards me/ etc)"

I think this is really where the issue is - might be worth focusing on this instead? I think with someone like this emailing her asking why she didn't congratulate you on an anniversary will be like a drop in the ocean of things you want to ask her about why she did them, IYSWIM.

If it's 25 or 50 years then YANBU. And probably 40 too. Any other YABU. . I don't think other people should need to mark a wedding anniversary except for the big ones. So without knowing which particular anniversary it is it's difficult to say.

vicious spiteful game of manipulation.
It's a card. I often forget "significant" only to you, I'm afraid anniversaries; it doesn't mean I care any less for the people involved, or that it's a deliberate ploy to cause hurt. And usually, it doesn't. Because it doesn't bloody matter.

lineup
I am sorry you feel neglected. It sucks, but the only way to put an end to the misery and the perpetual possibility of being let down (again) is not to just say actually, i didnt expect any, as i'm so used to her behaviour being unpredictable and critical after so many years ...but to live it.
Really.

You need to develop zero expectation of her. Never expect. Or anticipate.
That way lies sanity - and the occasional nice surprise if something good does come your way..

It was mine last week and I didn't hear from my family either, but then I don't send them anniversary cards etc either so I wasn't worried

She sounds like a cowbag. Enjoy your anniversary and forget about her. FWIW I never remember my own anniversary, let alone anyone else's!

YABU.

And attention seeking.

As someone has already said, anniversaries are non events. And you're an adult ffs .

YANBU, but don't let it get to you.

I am close to my parents so I would be very upset but we are not as close to DHs family in that way so it wouldn't bother me. We usually celebrate things like that together anyway.

Wow, some unexpectedly horrible responses on this thread.

In the wider context of things, no YANBU, however as other people have said, I think this is about more than just the wedding anniversary.

I don't think there's any point in confronting her because if she is how you say she is (cruel, uncaring, history of abuse etc) you're not going to get the response you want from her. I agree with what edited said. I think unfortunately you just need to come to terms with the fact that that's the way she is and she's unlikely to change (had to do that with my father, so I know that it's not easy). Have you thought about seeking out some sort if counselling to deal with these issues (if you haven't already)?

Personally I think wedding anniversaries should be marked by the couple only. It wouldn't occur to me to send anyone an anniversary card. Why would I?

Having said that, you say your mother knew it was a significant date and it seems as if she purposely didn't say anything so as to be hurtful. She sounds like a cow and I wouldn't expect her to change.

Congrats on your anniversary!

My in laws gave us £100 for our anniversary, not relevant just showing off

I was thinking along the lines of normal wedding anniversaries and we still remember my parents/brothers anniversaries each year but I know this is unusual and ywbu to be upset about a random anniversary.

However I am surprised how many people do not think it is a big deal for someones mum to forget say a 25th wedding anniversary. I think this is actually quite a big deal.

I really didnt want or expect a CARD - that is not my point - i really didnt want her to spend a penny

My point is that she basically sits in front of her laptop each day, looking at properties to buy, and stalking gossiping on Facebook

so she CLEARLY saw my happy status and chose NOT to like it or say congrats

she is my mother ffs not some random stranger, so i'm finding it hard to process why she saw the fbook, knew what day it was and didnt text or say congrats. That's all

CCsays & Squoosh - thanks you, you make much sense and I will take your advice. I will not bring up the subject but just put it down to yet another predicatble behaviour from her. No reaction will bring me some peace actually. She will never change.

she is the type of woman who if her friend suddenly has to cancel a planned coffee and a walk, mother will bitch to me or my sister about said friend, and say 'well I'll just cancel on her at the last minute next time we have arranged something, see how she likes it'

says it all really

We never celebrate anniversaries neither. There are always better things to spend the money on, and don't see it as important, except the couple themselves

some of you are missing my point - i didnt want her to SPEND MONEY on a card!!! Really, I understand what a rip off cards etc are.

it costs NOTHING to type CONGRATS on your keyboard which she uses daily

Yes it costs nothing to type Congratulations on FB.

But by the same token it means nothing as well. How special can one line on your FB wall make you feel

You seem to be a big fan of gestures. Even empty ones. I'd rather celebrate with my husband than fixate on who has remembered (let's be honest, a fairly meaningless date) and congratulated accordingly.

'But by the same token it means nothing as well. How special can one line on your FB wall make you feel'

Well obviously it means a lot to the OP, her mother sounds as though she's been a bit crap throughout her life and she was obviously hoping for a bit of maternal warmth. It really isn't that hard to understand.

yikes Leslieknope

Your relationship with your mum sounds problematic to say the least, which must be hard.

However, to me, this is not a battle worth fighting. Life is too short.

meaningless date it wasnt, Leslie. It's a major achievement to have a good happy marriage for me - for others, maybe not - but for me, given the shaky start in my childhood, stressful domestic homelife back then, for me to be celebrating a solid marriage is a BIG deal for me.

just thought my mother would share my joy? if that makes sense?

But if she's been a reliably rubbish parent then one anniversary message isn't going to change that?

I'm speaking as someone with a shitty mother as well. I just focus on my own wee family and don't sweat the petty stuff.

And while your happy marriage is lovely and commendable and hugely important to you the date etc won't be as memorable to other people even your own family.

I can only remember the months that my siblings got married in. We don't do anniversaries or birthdays. Babies arriving, that merits a card!

I think what it comes down to is this. If she had accidentally forgotten, then yes, YABU. If she is deliberately ignoring something that she's knows is meaningful to you just to be hurtful then no, YANBU. And everything you said about her suggests the later.

She's not just some random, she's the OP's (from what I can tell physically and emotionally abusive) Mum. The OP's also an actual person who's obviously experiencing a lot of painful feelings because of what appears to be the latest in her Mum's shitty behaviour. Some of your comments just seem pointlessly spiteful Leslie.