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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not know how to meet a woman?

20 replies

PenguinDancer · 23/09/2013 19:59

I'm not gay, I've only been with men, but I have always been attracted to women too. I live in a small rural area and only friends know that I am attracted to women. I have a very very religious family.

Recently I can't help the desire to be with a woman for once. I'd have no idea what I was doing but it doesn't matter because I don't even know where to look.

God, this sounds lame.

Help!

OP posts:

Original poster

PenguinDancer · 23/09/2013 20:00

and by "no idea what I was doing" I don't just mean sexually. In every way.

OP posts:

Tropicalchancer · 23/09/2013 20:11

Well there is usually a gay bar/club or the Internet? Gaydar girls/grinder or even just pleanty of fish?

hermioneweasley · 23/09/2013 20:17

Internet dating, gay bars, lesbian groups. I'm sure you can find some if you google.

Good luck!

HarderToKidnap · 23/09/2013 20:20

I have a lot of lesbian couple friends and they have all, in their youth, been used at some point by women trying to explore their sexuality. They thought they were edging into a relationship, but for some women they were just someone to have sex on to try and get it out of their system or try lesbianism out. So please be honest and upfront, as it can be very hurtful otherwise.

Original poster

PenguinDancer · 23/09/2013 20:21

I don't live somewhere where there are straight bars let alone gay bars!! (slight exaggeration but not by much!)

and I am very scared of internet dating. I had a couple of bad experiences.

OP posts:

hermioneweasley · 23/09/2013 20:40

Penguin, I am going to be frank with you. A hot lesbian is unlikely to wander up to your front door while you are MNetting. If this is something you want to explore then you are going to have to DO something to make it happen.

Original poster

PenguinDancer · 23/09/2013 20:41

Oh Harder that is not what I meant. I am scared of diving into a relationship with a woman for that very reason!! I don't want to be used. It's always been a thing for me. I am certain of it, but I have always opted to go with men as the easier choice (and because I am attracted to men too).

I'm a very open person anyway so anybody, guy or woman, would get too much honesty from me straight away anyway

I agree hermione. I may have to suck it up about the internet dating, terrifying as that may be.

OP posts:

garlicbaguette · 23/09/2013 20:50

Ha, I live in a backward agricultural area and one of my friends is a lesbian. She occasionally meets women while working in London, but NEVER locally. It's statistically near impossible that there are no other lesbians here, but they're never going to find each other because everyone else ignores the obvious. You might say the communities keep shutting the closet doors on them!

With this in mind, my advice is to get to know people and listen carefully when they talk about a woman who never seems to meet the right man, and/or isn't interested in relationships, likes to keep her own space, etc. (This is, in fact true of me - which led to an awkward misunderstanding when I first met my friend, but that was neither of our faults )

Ehhn · 23/09/2013 20:51

Join a ladies' rugby team. I'm straight but have played rugby for 8 years and every team I've played for/against is a least 50% gay. Same for football but the difference is rugby is more welcoming to non-sporty types as there is room for a little skinny scrum half or winger and for a fifteen stone prop, with all shapes, sizes, skill level and fitness in between. A more natural, old-fashioned way to meet gay girls too!

NomNomDePlum · 23/09/2013 21:01

how about this? forum for lesbians they have a making friends section. if you can ask here, you can ask there.

good luck.

Original poster

PenguinDancer · 23/09/2013 21:56

Ehhn - rubgy? with bashing? How does one do that in heels? I'm afraid rugby will never be me :o

OP posts:

hermioneweasley · 23/09/2013 22:04

You have to hand in your heels when they give you your lesbian membership card. True fact.

MMcanny · 23/09/2013 22:10

What about roller derby?

MikeOxard · 23/09/2013 22:31

So you are, in fact, literally the only gay in the village? I've seen that program, and everyone else is definitely also gay.

How do you meet anyone? Because that's probably how you're going to meet a gay woman tbh. What about your work, or friends of friends? I was going to suggest taking up a hobby, like rugby, but from your post and the ones above, I'm wondering whether gay women actually like rugby, or whether the poor bastards are forced into it because it's the only place they get to meet other gay women! That's a bit unfortunate. Is there a section on MN for meeting people?

Wearytiger · 23/09/2013 22:34

Hermione

CharityFunDay · 24/09/2013 04:22

OP, if only someone had invented some kind of device on which people could find and contact like-minded people all over the world, simply by typing a few words on a keyboard.

I might put in a patent for it.

I'll call it ... 'The Trouser-Press'.

More seriously, good luck with your search.

Ehhn · 24/09/2013 09:27

Errr... No one would commit to playing rugby if they didn't love it... There is a disproportionate number of gay women in elite sport. Particularly rugby, football and hockey. By elite, I mean play beyond county level - premiership/championship and England/Olympics. Of the straight ones, we do tend to be of the tougher, non-heel wearing sort. I spend most of my time outdoors and don't really do make up etc. based on the little I knew about the op, who said she lived rurally, I made the assumption she was of the tougher, horsey, farming stock that I and most of my friends and teammates come from. My assumption was apparently very wrong...!

I am a bit offended by the "poor bastards" comment from the other poster. There are many ways for gay women to meet and most of my friends are in long-term relationships, which have begun from meeting in bars, online, through work or friends and through hobbies... You know, like normal people? One of the hobbies just happens to be sport? A coupe of my gay friends are younger and don't want relationships and so just have casual hook ups - from the same sources of meeting... Strangely enough, just like normal people too.

Beastofburden · 24/09/2013 09:46

Penguin, are you single? Because I was about to say- if you need to maintain your privacy, you might in any case want to explore this side of life away from home. Joining a LGBT network in a nearby town might be a good idea, as the whole point is to welcome people and make friends.

But then it sounds as if I am giving advice on having an affair . I agree with what is said about not using people - whatever your sexuality- for a bit of a change from home. Would you be able to commit to a relationship with someone if she was the right person?

if you are just literally curious, it might be more honest to contact a sex worker.

MikeOxard · 24/09/2013 09:50

Stop being offended on other people's behalf. I was being lighthearted, I refer to a lot of people as poor bastards in certain situations, I like the phrase - doesn't mean I don't think the people are normal people FFS.

You on the other hand are being personally offensive to me, by insinuating I don't think gay people are normal people (WTAF?) and the cheek of it, when YOU on the other hand were making serious assumptions about the OP based on lesbian stereotypes! Get a grip. You come across as a right rude sod.

Ehhn · 24/09/2013 15:46

The difference being that in real life you can add inflection and gesture to make it clear you don't mean "poor bastards". But the nature of your post seemed to suggest that gay women were so limited that they were forced to sports they hated, or that i was suggesting that ie that rugby somehow isn't a normal, natural way to meet people but that gay people have no option but to join as lacking all else. All I was doing was suggesting a hobby that I love, with team-mates who provide me with my best friends and my social life, and which I happen to know because of the many gay women involved, it doesn't feel artificial like online meeting, in a location that was likely to be closer to the op's location than bars and clubs, which she says are lacking. My assumption was based on deduction, not prejudice ie she is rural and looking for a new way to meet people.

Anyway, I'm off to rugby training in 45 minutes. I only wanted to offer an answer to the original question other than the internet but i see the op isn't the rugby kind and I don't want to end up hijacking this thread any further.

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