to not want to drive to hospital two hours away and back every weekend

[hell0kitty]

to pick up my husband who has been in hospital since he had a stroke two months ago, and have to arrange for friends to pick up and look after our three children while I do so? I asked a friend who lives near the hospital to drive him to and from the first home visit he was allowed just the other week. The friend stayed over locally and took the children out so we could have some time alone together. But my husband doesn't want to repeat this arrangement, although the friend is willing. He sees the driving as no different from his old rail commute to work, and thinks that if I cared enough I'd do it myself. I feel I have enough on my plate dealing with the children and trying to manage his care long distance, let alone thinking about getting back to any sort of work of my own. AIBU?

I didn't mean to patronise in the slightest, I just meant in terms of having to manage care for another person in the family who used to be so involved with caring for everyone else.

I understand, I get it completely, but maybe use different words. I'm also quite sensitive with anything to do with strokes/brain injury AND slightly biased. You have found yourself in an impossible position. 2 months is nothing when it comes to recovery. You HAVE to be positive, because if you aren't, your husband isn't going to be.

Strokes and brain injuries are one of the most heart breaking things, and it DOES affect the people around the victim. You'll be in my thoughts.

Yaddnbu
I'm so sorry you have had all this stress. It must be awful
I'm very sorry for your DH too, of course.
But you seem to have worked out a perfectly good solution to an otherwise hellish transport issue.
It's not like you're saying you don't want him at home.
I would have thought ypu're be much better disposed to him if you don't have this additional stress. Your DCs need you too.
God, you must need a rest. I will try to stop complaining about how tired I am this week.
Can you share the transport with the friend? So yo do some of the ferrying but not all?

YANBU as others have said you will need to lay it on the line how things are going to be.

This If he starts playing the victim about where your priorities are, tell him that your priority is making sure your children have at least one parent able to see to their needs. Be calm but firm.

Well I would do it, in fact I have when my dh had a stroke, but I did have friends to look after the children to cut down their time in the car, which was a huge help. I wanted dh to be home and it was good for him to be there. It is hard work though and we all have different limits.

I can't really add anything but I completely sympathise. I have been the person who has spent a long time in hospital so I know how demoralising that is, but I am very well aware of how hard it is on your loves ones and how tiring it is to do long-term hospital visiting, even when it's down the road.

You may have to actually let him 'miss' a weekend at home to get him to see there are limits to what you can do, and that even though he's been seriously ill, sometimes everything in life can't be rearranged to suit him perfectly.

Were doing the same at the moment but it's a 3-4 hr drive with traffic. It's exhausting.
My mum visited my grandfather every day for months on end and it was over an hour each way, the stress nearly killed her.

It's awful

yes the hosp have been v helpful re benefits etc.

I think it's just so tricky knowing how much to share with him when he can barely get his words out. the one good thing about the first and only weekend visit so far is that we had two hours alone together at home when a neighbour took the kids out and for the first time in over two months had anything like a semblance of the relationship we used to have. all the juggling would be worth it if we could just have some emotional intimacy again, but not if we start off resentful of each others seeming selfishness!

Please follow McNewPants's link. The Stroke Association have been a fantastic support to us, dp has friends on fb around the world now who have been in a similar position, and when he was off work a volunteer collected him to go to meetings once a week and talk to other survivors - which did wonders for his speaking and confidence. Feel free to pm me back again too if you have time

My Dh is an experienced driver, has driven for a living and has his hgv licence but 4 hours on the motorway with the way some people drive is very stressful, he will be the first to say this.

well after a rather painful scene at the hospital yesterday when he accused me of having someone else in my life ( as if there was even time!) I've agreed to drive him both ways this weekend since doing this seems to be in his mind right now to be the measure of my commitment to him. and I have arranged with another friend to share the driving for the remaining weekend. looked into cabs but the hospital won't allow it.

oh hellOkitty, how hard for you all. I am so sorry you are all going through this.

Sorry hellokitty
I hope the weekend goes well for you.

Honey, I'm thinking about you. I have nothing to add to all the (mostly) helpful advice. Your level of exhaustion and frustration must be sky high. You do exactly as you need to, to see your family through this time of crisis. Sending you

I know it's very hard, and you will feel for him, and his reactions are probably because of the stroke, but could you just walk out for a breather when he kicks off about another person or how terrible you are for not driving there?

Tell him that you will not put up with it and you will come back when he is more reasonable.

You do have to take care of yourself, because you need to be there for the children, as well as him.

Will reply to pm when i have time to do a proper response

I agree lweji, I'm not sure 'pandering' to unreasonable requests is helpful, least of all to you and rest of the family. I can't think of another word for pandering but ykwim x

valium redhead yes I know and that added to my qualms but it seemed worth a try this weekend. Really need more guidance from stroke professionals I think. Am seeing clinical psychologist next week.

Maybe use this weekend to sit down with him and make a plan for the rest of them? If he's got some control and advance notice that X will pick him up, Y will drop him off etc he can mentally prepare. At the moment he's probably being ordered around from pillar to post and, like a toddler refusing to get in the buggy, is asserting control over the few things and people he trusts to still love him.

Could u catch the train and then get the cab with him? Adding to journey time but at least u could rest on the train

Off topic a bit, but was on a course recently about vulnerable people and there was a lot of talk about how they are accommodated in care, moved from one programme to another, locked up in prison ie everything is done to them, instead of them having some control and choices (which we tend to take for granted). I think that in hospital, people feel that loss of control and it adds to the frustration