to not want to drive to hospital two hours away and back every weekend

[hell0kitty]

to pick up my husband who has been in hospital since he had a stroke two months ago, and have to arrange for friends to pick up and look after our three children while I do so? I asked a friend who lives near the hospital to drive him to and from the first home visit he was allowed just the other week. The friend stayed over locally and took the children out so we could have some time alone together. But my husband doesn't want to repeat this arrangement, although the friend is willing. He sees the driving as no different from his old rail commute to work, and thinks that if I cared enough I'd do it myself. I feel I have enough on my plate dealing with the children and trying to manage his care long distance, let alone thinking about getting back to any sort of work of my own. AIBU?

It's tough on both sides, your husband is obviously trying to get better and probably desperately wants to get home to his family. You, however are left to pick up everything on top of worrying about him. You're lucky to have such a great friend to help. I would try explaining the pressure you are under and get him to understand. Explain to the hospital the implications of this care, can he not move nearer? Very tough for all of you but hopefully not long term.

I am really shocked by those people on this thread who say you are being mean etc. and giving you a hard time.

I really think that unless you have been there with a close relative in a long hospital stay, it is hard to imagine just how exhausting and difficult it is.

In my case, lots of my dads friends offered to take him, and I made him take them up on the offer on alternate days. But I realised that the issue was that he was so worried about mum that he wanted me to take him not a friend. He needed the emotional support, not having to make small talk in a car with nice friends. My parents are super independent and this was a bit of a shock for us.

The emotional toll of long illness is high. Don't feel bad that you are feeling exhausted and at the end of your resources. It is much harder that he doesn't get it and can't (because of his illness) understand.

I personally would tell him that friend is doing alternate weekends, and just do the best that you can. You are not superhuman, you are bearing the brunt of everyones emotional needs (dh and dcs) you need to do what you can.

Hope he improves op.

I'm shocked at some of the responses on here too.

You are busy taking care of everyone else, who is taking care of you?

You need some time off or you won't be in a fit state to continue supporting everyone as you are doing.

Is there someone you can speak to at the hospital? When my Mother took ill a few years ago and was taken to a hospital 4 hours away I got a lot of support, and they managed to find a space in a hospital nearer to us after a few weeks.

You have my sympathy, its one of those situations where you are damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

Best wishes to you all

The OP is not suggesting not going at all, just taking up someone's kind offer to do the driving sometimes.

I think people who are suggesting she is mean should stop right now actually. Driving can be exhausting for some people, I find it knackering whereas DH finds it relaxing.

Best of luck OP.

So in 8 weeks the Op is off to the Maldives for a well earned rest right?

Oh - she is going to be looking after her just-discharged husband, 3 children, trying to earn money for the family to survive, oh and dealing with her own health condition.

This looks like it is going to be something that will go on for months - if not years. You need to play the long game here - yes it is important your dh gets to see his family but that will happen whoever picks him up. It is important that you cope and keep on coping.

Agree with what others have said about maybe you do one trip and a friend does the other.

You can drive, a 4 hour round trip isn't that hard,

OP has stated that she also has a thyroid condition that results in her tiring easily; the demands of driving 8 hours per w/e when she's not comfortable driving on motorways, plus caring for her DH at home, plus the demands of being a mother of 3 traumatised children will be beyond exhausting. Driving whilst that tired is dangerous, not to mention the question of who will look after her dh and her dc if OP ends up ill.

OP is potentially facing months if not years of caring for her DH, if his brain injury has turned him into a selfish, ungrateful ass for the medium term or longer she is facing a nightmare. How to balance the needs of someone with possible disabilities and the empathy of a 3yo, against the needs of her children who may or may not be witnessing their mother being treated like a slave - depending on how their father's recovery proceeds.

The point I'm making here is that she isn't just facing 8 weeks of strain she's facing months or more, burning herself out now would be disastrous!

Madamecastafiore

I am perfectly aware of the mechanism for stroke. I am also aware of the effect it has. I know it is not deliberate.

If the result was making the OP's husband violent no one would be telling her to just put up and shut up. This particular aspect is tot he detriment of the OP's health.

It doesn't matter whether her husband is aware of the impact of his actions / words the OP is just as much a person and has as much right to maintain her own health.

Golly, some of the responses here are very harsh.

I'm sorry for what you're all going through op, a stroke in someone young must be such an enormous shock

It's s balance between keeping yourself fit and well and supporting your DH which I'm sure you are doing in every way you can. You are not being unreasonable to resent it and make use of whatever help is on offer.

You are the glue holding the family together, you need to keep yourself well. It's good you have friends willing and able to help, don't feel guilt tripped into not using that help.

Obviously your DH has been through a horrific experience and right now, he probably doesn't have the capacity to consider others needs in the way he normally would. It's so hard on family though and you need to access the support you need from other sources.

Do talk to the hospital and see what practical help they can offer.

I wish you all the best

You can drive, a 4 hour round trip isn't that hard

Well, it would be for me. I find driving knackering and not relaxing, and doing this every weekend after a full week dealing with three children, getting them into childcare and then getting into a car would be a real strain. I don't mean a 'poor me, I'd like to be home with my feet up' strain, I mean I would be physically exhausted and find it quite hard to drive.

I don't drive in the afternoons on a weekend if I've worked in the week, as I feel very sleepy. I have also scraped the car and crashed one (small bump) recently due to being very stressed and distracted.

I sometimes think on here people are quite nasty if anyone shows any signs of weakness, such as tiredness, stress, and so on as if willpower alone overcomes these problems- if the driving is just awful for you then I would alternate weekends, and in no way are you being wussy if you find this too much- if you didn't drive, or you were too exhausted to do so, you would simply have to not go that weekend, he would not come home that time.

I think you should take up your friend's kind offer. dh is in no fit state to appreciate the strain on you, nor to make big decisions.

Do investigate hospital transport just in case. Problem is, as care for conditions such as stroke has moved to big specialist centres which have the expertise to offer the best care, it's further and further from where people actually live (i.e. in one big hospital rather than three for four local hospitals). Ideally the NHS should be liaising with public transport/sorting out hospital transport to assist patients but sadly this often doesn't happen.

OP I feel for you. I have not been in your situation, but a couple of years ago my father was in hospital for an extended period. I live 200 miles away, work full time, DH works away, I have 2 small children. It was extremely difficult. I asked for lots of help from friends - especially my Dads friends .

My father is terminally ill, my mother is doing everything.

They are both in a situation where they need help and support, not just him. His needs are greater, but part of that is needing her to be there for him, so she cannot run herself ragged to the point she gets ill or can't cope. If that happens, there will be a full-on crisis.

That's exactly where you are, only more acute because you have young children not grown-up ones. Take the decision that someone else does the drive, and with a clear conscience. You can't do everything all the time, and this is one of the things it is reasonable for you not to do.

Funny how people like posters on the thread can be full of mawkish sympathy for your husband and have no compassion or understanding for you.

To those suggesting she suck it up...

I did a 4 hour round trip on NYE. I left after visiting at 8:30 with a 5 week old baby in the back howling. I was at the end of my tether after a week of living out of a suitcase in MIL's spare room. I had 3 pairs of pants, 3 pairs of socks and 3 tee shirts. One pair of pyjamas and one pair of jeans. I drove 2 hours home through a veil of tears, not knowing if dp would ever come home to be a dad to our baby, or even able to hold him. I drove back up the next morning.

It was truly the most terrifying experience of my life.

That was after 1 week. Multiply that by 2 months. Then tell me you could do that drive every week for 8 more weeks while reassuring 3 children that daddy will be ok.

I have to say I have only ever encountered harshness on AIBU when I have posted in the past, and only have come back to it now out of real need. And am truly grateful to everyone who has taken the time to consider my dilemma and offer constructive and understanding advice, thankyou so much, steppemum et al.

The hosp consider home visits part of his rehab but cannot pay for or arrange them.

I have been ringing round today and his mother has agreed to do one of the round trips at the weekend, I will do the other, and I will alternate with taking the kids to stay near the hospital on alternative weekend. It is only 8 weeks.

Then he's home full time and I'm taking him to his appointments etc, and the kids to school. Basically I'll be a single mum of three with an extra grown up child. Can't imagine when and how I will earn enough to support us, without leaning on my friends for years to come. He appears to be all patience and acceptance to his friends, only with me and his mum does he show his temper. And what she can see now also as his speech is coming back also is his loss of empathy, when he was the kindest and most understanding and generous of men before all this, I wouldn't have married him otherwise. The clinical psychologist at the hospital says this is a common outcome, and can't say whether it will be permanent...

That's bloody hard, OP, I'm so sorry.

A stroke in the family affects everyone so YANBU to be reluctant but I think I'd attempt to do them.

Stroke is a terrible thing, your DH will be scared and frustrated so please try to remember at times it may not be him talking but the brain injury.

And the old adage about taking things out on those you love the most is very true as he feels secure in your and DMs love.

Here's wishing him a speedy recovery and and for you.

hell0kitty - the other one you'll need to be watchful of, is that his temper and lack of empathy could also be targeted at his children.

HellOkitty what a difficult situation you are in, I cannot imagine shouldering all that. I think everyone is right- you need to do what you can manage as you are now the carer for everyone and that is a huge burden- so if you shop online, eat frozen pizza once too often and don't do a huge round trip while exhausted every weekend, then you don't. And, that's without discussing the emotional burden you are bearing. I'm sending you hugs, unmumsnetty or not.

This is an awful situation for you. Chronic illnesses wear us down and exhaust us. I had to look after my husband who had a brain tumour for 12 years. Physically he was ok but terrible memory problems and a total lack of initiative. I had 2 young children and it was all very very hard.
Have you looked into contactin "headway" which is a support for brain injured people? You may get some support there. Also look at joining a carers group. You will need it. Have a list of jobs that need doing and when someone says "is there anything I can do?" Then produce your list and say yes.
As to those saying its "only a 4 hour round trip". It is also the straw that breaks the camels back. The OP is exhausted emotionally which is incredible draining.
I wish you well in all this. It's hard and I send you a virtual hug ((((0))))

why cant the children go with you?

Children in car for 8 hours? How is that a good idea?

mymatemax a stroke ward is a place of beeping machines, tubes up people's noses and Scream-like wrinkled faces with blank eyes and dribbling mouths. It is truly not a suitable place for children - particularly ones you're trying to keep cheerful about their father's prospects.

Some people on this thread are arseholes being very unhelpful and very unsympathetic to what is an awful situation for both the OP and her husband. By that clear lack of empathy it is evident that they are not the saints they think they arethey are arseholes after all. Yes arsehole I am looking at you. This is a very unusual situation when you put all the factors together so I doubt many of us can say definitively how we would handle it but it would be a balancing act between all of the family needs one way or another. If you are knocking the OP here I think you are being very unreasonable and an arsehole.

OP you sound like you have some good ideas I wish you the best you are having a desperately tough time. I think you sound like you are doing a fantastic job in a clearly trying situation. I would be proud of my DH if he were able to live up to you if we were in a similar situation.

That sounds like a pretty good plan - but if your friend is willing, I would also take her up on her offer for one or two of the weekends.

This is going to be a long haul for all of you :( You all have to pace yourselves and consider the impact things have on yourself and others (you driving when you are tired could kill other people, yourself and even your DH).

You will have to rely on friends and family for a good long while - it certainly sorts out the wheat from the chaff I can tell you!! It is sometimes hurtful & sometimes pleasantly surprising to find out who is actually really there for you at times like this. Let people help. If people ask what they can do, don't hold back. Tell them. People want to help, but they want guidance... specific instructions... don't be afraid of telling them.

He isn't able to show any empathy right now, he isn't able to be the kind, thoughtful, lovely person he was before the stroke and therefore YOU have to make decisions that take everything into consideration.

My heart goes out to you - it's a very very difficult thing to deal with.

This is hard on you all OP.

When he is home don't forget that as well as his own assessment (and they shouldn't assume that ykj can and will do all of his care); you are entitled to a carers assessment in your own right.
Your local cab or cares centre can give you more information