to not want to drive to hospital two hours away and back every weekend

[hell0kitty]

to pick up my husband who has been in hospital since he had a stroke two months ago, and have to arrange for friends to pick up and look after our three children while I do so? I asked a friend who lives near the hospital to drive him to and from the first home visit he was allowed just the other week. The friend stayed over locally and took the children out so we could have some time alone together. But my husband doesn't want to repeat this arrangement, although the friend is willing. He sees the driving as no different from his old rail commute to work, and thinks that if I cared enough I'd do it myself. I feel I have enough on my plate dealing with the children and trying to manage his care long distance, let alone thinking about getting back to any sort of work of my own. AIBU?

Er onesleep, they offered

Yabvu why can your children come with you in the car? Is this a reverse aibu?

Can't

Is there not hospital transport in your area?
We have it here as the hospital is 60 miles away, I've had to use it myself.
Can you ask your GP?

You sound at the end of your tether, my love; I am so sorry.

(I just wanted to add that to a lot of good advice you've had!)

Of course YANBU. You have to look at the whole picture, which your husband isn't able to do at the moment. Please take up the offer from your friend (or at least one of the journeys each weekend?). I so feel for you, and your whole family. A stroke doesn't just affect the physical, it can change the person too, as you have found. Unfortunately you now have to make the decisions that are right for your whole family. This must have been such a difficult few weeks and I don't know about , I think you probably also need

Soontobe that would mean 3 children spending 8 hours a weekend, 8 weekends in a row, in the car and having to either be left alone in the car or somewhere in the hospital (or in the car) while OP picks up her husband, or be taken up onto a stroke ward... The whole time, during the week and these weekends, OP is a lone parent to 3 children who are probably on an emotional rollercoaster dealing with the fact their father has had a stroke - followed by OP becoming her husband's full time carer... OP is quite likely to be getting very little sleep this whole time, due to dealing with the children's behavior and emotions while they try to process the way their lives have changed (let alone due to worry about the future on her own part).

The majority of other posters have been more realistic in their responses...

So sorry too. :(

I wouldn't do the 4 hour drive just to get him every weekend either.

I suspect you'll have to put up with his mood and lack of empathy and try not to let it get to you.

Not sure what to suggest for the future, if he continues that way.
It's possible that deep down he was already like that and it has been brought up by his condition.
He could make your life miserable.
Is there counselling available in these cases?

soontobesix because the children are at two different schools on friday afternoons and are refusing to spend what is effectively all sunday in the car (did it last weekend) when they have homework to do etc

Lady Beagle Eyes good point I hadn't thought of that. have tried to contact my gp about it....

This might be helpful too?

Ditch the guilt. Get all the help you can. You have your own needs!

LadyBeagle Hospital transport has been really severely cut back in recent months and barely anyone gets it now and it is all questioned.

OP thinking of going forward, can you find out if there is a Community Stroke Team in your area? They do rehab via home visits. If you ensure that he is referred into that service it could mean he is home quicker and it will mean you get extra support when he does come home. Referrals into this don't automatically happen so you should research what is available in your area for people who have had strokes and make sure that you are getting everything available.

You should also discuss with his team at hospital if a referral could be made to adult social services as they may also be able to help you with his care and rehab when he comes home.

and now his parents have just rung to say they can't face the drive on sunday but have offered to pay for a cab. but when I break the news to him he says no. and when I offer to take him back sunday morning so I can be back for commitments on sunday afternoon he says no. and he wants me to drive him backmon monday instead and whn I explain that I can't leave him while I take the kids to school and even if that wasn't a problem I wouldnN't egt back in time to pick them up he says he's glad to know where he is on mypriorities. oh f##k.

I was with you until you said "Basically I'll be a single mum of three with an extra grown up child." Your husband is not a child! I had a stroke when I was an university. I had asphasia and couldn't walk. My parents came up, and my mum stayed for 5 weeks in a b&b. my dad came every weekend, and my sister came most weekends. Obviously they didn't have young children to consider though.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do this, and I'm sure you have thought about what it's like for your husband. You can't know though. It's truly terrifying. I'm sure I was very selfish - I only wanted close family to be around me. I constantly thought about whether I might have another stroke, what people thought of me, and I couldn't express it because of the asphasia.

I do feel so sorry for you, but I feel sorry for your husband too. And saying that he's now a fully grown child will make his progress slower.

Jesus, did you tell him you were putting your children first? Why is he the boss of you all? Tell him YOU say no!

Hospital transport. Don't contact gp, contact his rehabilitation centre directly even if it means hounding his consultant or nurse. Tell them you are close to breaking, have thyroid condition and no help with childcare. Keep hounding them until they sort you transport.

Yanbu

What would he have wanted/expect pre the stroke?

Not that it really matters a whole lot - but maybe it would ease your mind a bit to remember that?!

Right now he's not able to make good decisions and so you have to make them. He might not agree, he might not like them - but, sadly, that's the way things are.

He's a young man, so hopefully his recovery will be good & not tooo slow - but, for now, you have to play the long game with this and you have to keep yourself healthy & sane in the process (and alive - as well as all other road users!).

Transport - YANBU. I think the best compromise is to take up your friends offer a few times and perhaps suck it up (sorry) the rest. I see his parents haven't helped you out much with their offer - it's hard when you know where they're coming from, but they're still his parents. If they can't manage a couple of trips they should have been the ones to tell him not you knowing how he's processing things at the moment.

Afraid of upsetting him and by extension getting upset yourself - YABU. Others have pointed out that stroke or brain injuries mean a long recovery time, and you can't afford to burn out or break down though I wish you had the space and time to even consider it - fuck, that would be a luxury! He's been ill and it's understandable that you're breaking your neck to accommodate him, you've all had a scary time.

But look, this is long term, things have to get a balance of normality sooner rather than later. I'm sure he does just want to come home, he can be disappointed but he can't guilt trip you. You've given him his options and he's made his choice that's it, he can change his mind whenever he wants but he isn't allowed to bully you into changing yours. You can offer comfort and support, but you're not a whipping boy.

Him being upset isn't going to do him any harm - I promise you. Nobody with an ounce of experience with strokes is going to judge you for sticking to your guns and not letting the world revolve around frivolous unreasonable requests from your DH. There are much more important things you're already doing that that you deserve to be proud of and demonstrate more loyalty and love than most people are ever in a position to have to prove.

thankyou for all your messages. I was feeling so close to having got ontop of this situation at least for a while, but obviously not! I'm going into the hosp tomorrow by train for appointments with social worker therapist and doctor finally to deal with his long term stroke risk which is high, an issue which has been giving me sleepless nights and I can't believe has taken so long to get close to addrssing at this new hosp. I hope it will be easier to have a face to face conversation with him about tis, the aphasia is improving but nowhere near better. And its not something I can discuss with DP as he just says if he dies tomorrow he's had a good life. WTF?
mummyslittleduckie I didn't mean to patronise in the slightest, I just meant in terms of having to manage care for another person in the family who used to be so involved with caring for everyone else.

Take care of yourself. Your priorities are in the right place.

Your children need consistency and it just isn't possible for you to do what your H demands.

Your H is getting better. You cannot concentrate on him and let yourself fall apart as a result.

He has a choice, he takes a cab or goes back on Sunday morning.

I know it is easier said than done but you have to set conditions just like you do with your DC.

Xales FFS he's just had a stroke, he can't just jump in a cab.

I don't think you have any idea what recovering from a stroke involves. He won't simply 'get better'.

"having to manage care for another person in the family who used to be so involved with caring for everyone else."

I'm sure he's acutely aware of this and it's adding to the change in his personality. My dad (which is were my experience of strokes come from he had two at 42 and is still apparently high risk and he's knocking 64!) says very similar things. I point out to him that the things he can do have changed not ended, but he's entrenched himself over many years into the attitude he has. Granted a bad choice of wife didn't help, but I do wonder how much could have been shaped back at the beginning of his rehab if he'd been in a different situation. I lean towards the no-nonsense method myself but will concede that a balance of pussy-footing would probably work too

Dad also tends to get on the morbid wagon, and it sounds harsh but sometimes I just don't have the emotional energy to give him a shoulder and find myself agreeing with the whole 'circle of life' 'what will be will be' just to put an end to the conversation. This is where it differs greatly from caring for someone with a terminal condition - there are no guaranteed end dates or outcomes - it's a huge unknown for everybody and sometimes you find yourself desperately needing to focus on positives when the other person is at a place they need to talk about their fears - this cycle can go on and on so you need strategies in place to deal with it - preferably as many people who can provide a relief shoulder as you can muster.

I'm very badly trying to put myself in your DH's shoes and find myself so demoralised that trying is pointless since I'm not who I was and I know it. I think that a consistent approach of telling him what is caring for you now, even though it pisses him off, might eventually get through to him that he can still be useful and caring to those he loves. At the very least your making your needs known and setting the expectations that are required long term.

It is easy to sit behind a computer and type what you think you would do in OP shoes.

My first response was YABU However after thinking about it Yanbu. It is too much to manage 3 children, run a house, possible work on top of going back and forth the hospital every weekend.

OP i hope you have started looking into DLA, ESA, carers allowance and also help getting you house adapted for him to come home.

www.stroke.org.uk/

You need to take care of yourself, as well as him.

And you need to spell it out to him. His empathy may not be working as well as it used to, but that does not mean he cannot understand if told clearly.

If he starts playing the victim about where your priorities are, tell him that your priority is making sure your children have at least one parent able to see to their needs. Be calm but firm.

And before anyone flames me, yes I have had my dh in hospital (although not with a stroke) and I have experience of relatives with strokes. And many of them will fall into patterns of self-pitying and dependence if indulged, but improve dramatically when they lose that 'support'.