AIBU to expect time to ourselves

[Countdown1]

Let me say at the start that I love having days with my family. I know, in turn, we are cherished by kids and grandkids alike. :D

I'd hoped that in our 60s, we could look forward to retirement and unplanned days with no ties.

Instead, we find ourselves repeating early married life eg pushing a pram, standing at school gates in the rain, dealing with toddler tantrums, etc.

Current climate means both parents work and grandparents do childcare from babyhood through to the end of secondary school.

AIBU to expect time for me?

I do like georgettemagritte's point too.

My MIL looks after my DN 3 days a week. She also squeezes in a mere 40 hours of tutoring too.

Unfortunately for us she lives in Australia and so we make do with our childminder. Having said this my parents will readily help out in childcare emergencies. They'd probably be happy to help on a more regular basis too if it wasn't for their rather lengthy holidays.

OP - my sister's MIL does one day per week for each family and this arrangement works well for them.

I agree with some others too, that expecting gps to look after GCs ft as it were is a lot to ask. My own children exhaust me. In twenty years (the age of lots of Gps) I would find it much harder I'm sure.
And it's not always easy to say no to family, as many a thread on aibu can attest to.
Every situation is different. I think you should say something if it's become too arduous.

If you're finding it too much, just say!
We're keeping childcare between us two, with MIL doing the pick up one day a week. She doesn't have to, but we thought regular time just her and her only GD would help getting to know each other, spend quality time stuffing her with sweets and letting her run a riot in the house. It's 2 h a week. Two sleepovers in 9 years, after the age of 7.

On the other hand, my own mother lives abroad. She is desperate to look after grandchildren, feels that she is a fake grandmother, is really really unhappy and would give her right arm to be able to look after my DD. she never took a hobby or does anything, just hankers after grandchildren. She cries every time she finds out my DD went shopping with my MIL, or baked a cake or went to the park. Culturally, her role after retirement is to look after her grandchildren. She's been looking forward to that since I was in my 20's.
she sees her one week a year.
So, you see, there is no right or wrong way to do it. Do what you can, what tou want.
Personally, I don't think I'll be retired by the time my DD has her own children. But I'd really really like to look after them.

Would you expect your children to look after you in your old age? You might need someone to pop in on you every day, get your shopping, or will you be happy to head off to Shady Pines when you can't do everything for yourself. Families should help each other within their capabilities.

My parents live too far away to help much but they make a huge effort to see all the GC and have them to stay for holidays when they go on lovely days out, make scrapbooks have special traditions. Their relationship with them is a source of great happiness.

My daughter is pregnant at the moment. I love my daughter and I will love my grandchild when it arrives, but I won't be doing childcare. I will happily babysit whenever they need me to, but regular childcare would just be too much and I think I would start to resent it. My daughter and sil know this already. Happily my daughter wants to be a sahm so not a problem.

I knew a widowed grandmother who looked after her grand daughter every day at her daughter's house. The child and my children were all friends. She had given up her job and wasn't paid to do the child minding. She always looked exhausted and did admit to being frequently upset and a bit taken for granted. I never want to be in her shoes.

I rather think that is what OP wants, srednivashtar, instead of what they have! I think that you need to sort it out so that you have some days free and you can go on holiday.

Wow! They're very lucky to have you!

We don't get any help. Maybe once a year but its done grudgingly so we don't ask anymore than that. Its rather unfair as they look after other grandkids lots but don't want to do the same for us. The parents of the other grandkids aren't even grateful!

Now though the other grandkids are getting older and don't want to play cute games anymore. They told me that whilst looking at my younger two. Perhaps they've realised their error. Too late!

Too many times we've been desperate for help during difficult times and ill health and they haven't wanted to know. Fuck them!

Offloading a bit there!

If I get grandchildren I am not doing day to day care, I shall be happy to do some, but I won't have time for all. I have also made it plain to my children now that they are not responsible for me in my old age.

I think people are being really rather harsh on the OP.

In working class communities up and down the UK (in fact all around the world) GPs step in to provide childcare because unskilled wages are so bloody low!!!!

Unskilled wages simply do not pay enough for one parent to stay at home. Unskilled wages simply do not cover good quality child care.

So GPs step in. They are what keep the wolf from the door.

It doesn't mean that it is their heart's desire to do it. But what choice is there? Just say no and watch their DC and GC do without?

The problems here are silly low wages and ridiculously high housing costs. Add to that the lack of good quality affordable child care and families are in a difficult position.

My GM was 60 when my DB was born and looked after him FT for 6m from 7.30am- 6pm so that my mother could keep her maternity pay before leaving. She cleared out her diary of commitments in the day, and had to be selective with them in the evening through tiredness. In the long term all my mother has done is moan that GM didn't babysit at night when she randomly wanted a night out. My GM and DB have virtually no relationship now (living 200 miles apart doesn't help, but mainly through my mother's ingratitude for many things).

Having come home from 6th form each day and seeing what my GM did for my DB (she raised me as her own), I couldn't ask her to care for my DCs now she's in her 70s, even if we lived nearer. At most it would be one day a week. My mother works F/T and it's her that moved away. MiL is in another country and over 80y. When we have an issue like childbirth, or need an occasional babysitter, we turn to friends. We knew the score before starting a family.

It sounds like a PT arrangement of one or two days a week would be a good compromise for you. You see and help your DGC, but still have the majority of the week for yourselves

Good point wordfactory, I think decent wages and lower housing costs would solve a myriad of problems.

Ah mrsmook poor grannymook.
I think some ppl can be unbelievably ungrateful. In my own pre-child days we used to go out a lot. I've seen friends of mine complaining about the restrictions (please come home before lunchtime the day after a night out) that their own DMs or MILs (poor old MILs I say) place on childcare.
Every family is so different.

S true wordfactory

Its amazing how many parents who get help from grandparents are so ungrateful for it.

It always makes me laugh that people do more planning as to whether they should get a dog than they do for having a kid.

When/if (hopefully never) we become grandparents, the kids already know that we won't be providing childcare for them.

We'll be working during the week ourselves & the weekends will be relaxing time, I'd expect our relationship to be the same as ours is now with our parents - we see them every month or so & have never inflicted our kids on them or expected them to plan their life around ours.

No way the OP should be used as free childcare...

Countdown, I'm sure you love your DGCs and enjoy spending time with them, but I think there's a possibility that their parents assume you're delighted with the arrangement and if you don't tell them it's not working for you, how can they possibly know? You mention prams, toddler tantrums and school gates, so presumably this arrangement has been ongoing for several years and/or there are quite a few children involved. I think you should inform your DS/DD and partners now that as of, say, next spring, you want to step back a bit from the childcare. Decide how much you are prepared to do and then present it as a fait accompli. That way, you won't end up resenting them and they have plenty of time to put alternatives in place.

OP, if the situation is as wordfactory says, I can see how any loving parent would want to help their children by offering some help with childcare. From my point of view, it needs to have been offered freely, not guilt-tripped into by children wringing their hands about how much childcare will cost when a little of the shine has come off becoming pregnant. This can happen, and it's not always easy for the prospective GP to just say no in these circumstances.
What are your child's finances like? Do they go on holidays regularly, have plenty of days out, eat out regularly etc? If so then they don't need free childcare from you. You are funding unnecessary luxuries.
In any event, if the current arrangement has become too much, then you need to sit down with your child and have that difficult conversation adults sometimes need to have. If you want to carry on doing some, say so. If you want out but happy to offer ad hoc and/or babysitting say so. Arrange how you will scale back and agree a time by which other chilcare is in place.
I have a relative who has her parents for free childcare for 16 years while she trained to be a nurse and then became one. When it started, her parents were still working thenselves. They did/still do all of the ( free) childcare between them, that's 12 hour shifts (plus travel time) plus nights out babysitting. Her father died recently in his mid sixties. Her mother had significant health problems and I doubt she will see 70. Think very carefully about your situation, how you want to change it, then do it, however difficult it may be initially.

Not every parent minds being 'used' for childcare. My mum wants and enjoys it and was actually really sad when my nieces stopped going to her and was very pleased my DS came along.

She enjoys looking after DS, enjoys being a big part in his life and knowing his friends etc. I am incredibly grateful to my mum. Just because I have to 'use' her as many of you seem to put does not mean I am not grateful. Years ago this is what families did they helped each other out and I really hope that I will be 'used' for free childcare. Particularly if me helping out meant they could keep their jobs and remain in their home.

My mum looks after my niece one day a week and I am sure my sister would say my mum loves it. But she doesn't. She only does it because otherwise she would barely see her granddaughter. My mum would much prefer spending quality time with my sister and family altogether once a week.

comingalongnicely will you be expecting your children to look after you when you're old and infirm?

Both my sets of grandparents required an enormous amount of help in their old age. My GM lived with us for years and my DM had to look after her full time, including bathing her.

Eh??? OP my parents have never once, in 12 years even babysat my dc - not even for 15 mins.

You are being totally taken for granted, but unless you do something about it, it will never change!

srednivashtar No, not at all, why on earth would I? They're independent people with their own lives, I wouldn't expect them & their partners to "look after" me anymore than I'd expect you too....

OP?