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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's nothing wrong with marrying the only man you've ever had sex with?

131 replies

MoveYourArmsLikeHenry · 21/09/2013 23:16

I'm 25 and married and have only ever had sex with my DH. Some of my friends think this is weird and one even remarked that she felt sorry for me as I have not had much "variety" Hmm

I didn't think it was sad or weird and im very happy with my DH. Probably just my autism rearing its head but she made a joke about it with another friend in front of me and seemed to brag that she had slept with atleast 10 people and I felt a bit pathetic about only sleeping with one person.

Don't even know why she brought the conversation up but wish she hadnt. I felt embarrassed and our other friend could see how upset I was and said "guess we know who the bike of the group is". This made me laugh.

But really what wrong with only sleeping with one person?

OP posts:
Sinful1 · 22/09/2013 13:47

Loopthepoop

Why wish you'd done more? If you guys want to experiment and explore there's swingers clubs in practically every town. It's never to late for a little adventure

AbiJen · 22/09/2013 16:31

I think OP is just asking whether or not she's a freak. I think we've established there are alot of bikes out there... lol. It made me laugh, but not because I'm wicked. It was a heartfelt comment where the mutual friend was just lightening the tense mood and not making judgements...

Lj8893 · 22/09/2013 16:39

Calling someone a bike for sleeping with 10 men is making a judgement.

squoosh · 22/09/2013 16:43

How the hell can referring to someone as a bike be seen as anything but a judgement? It's a horrible way to describe anyone.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/09/2013 17:11

Pretty sure if I called my friend " a bike" in response to her saying "oh bless you're practically a virgin" when we once discussed numbers.

I didn't feel the need to bite back because I'm quite happy with my choices. I presumed she was happy with hers until then. Maybe not. Not my problem though.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/09/2013 17:11

*pretty sure if...she would have felt very judged.

cory · 22/09/2013 17:30

People are all different. Some people can't handle that.

gwenabee85 · 22/09/2013 17:36

aww, no, I did it! We met at 16, got together at 17 and are now married aged 27. I was always of the opinion I'd not sleep with anyone unless I loved them, so there you go :)

MrsKoala · 22/09/2013 18:00

i think the bike 'joke' depends entirely on the tone of the joke and what kind of 'openness' you have in your conversations with friends. With some of my friends it would just be a jokey quip with others it would be rude. If someone has opened the door in the conversation and is 'joking' about someone elses sex life then i'm afraid i think the gloves are off for a lighthearted jokey disagreement with extreme stances being made for humourous effect. If of course anyone thinks anyone really is a prude/bike and it's not just expressing in a 'how unusual, but each to their own' kind of way, then it's not nice and shouldn't be said. Only OP can know the tone of it all. If that makes sense.

AbiJen · 22/09/2013 21:12

sleeping with 10 men. all at the same time?... lol.... yes 'bike'. I think the someone's reading the thread and over reacting.

I don't think we (men or women) should be so free with sex...I think society is so desensitised about it all that we aren't aware of the long term psychological damage to society itself.

But is this an opinion, or is it a judgement?

OP wasn'y judging, she was asking for opinion, and really didn't seem to be judging anyone. I think we judge ourselves and lash out. why you so het up about the bike reference... it was clearly funny and not an attack or a judgement in this situation between friends.

Readers taking it to heart makes me wonder why they are taking it to heart?

squoosh · 22/09/2013 21:16

Disingenuous and sneering. Congratulations AbiJen.

MrsKoala · 22/09/2013 21:23

I find the 'women hold the key to a secret speshul place which has to be earned by a prince before they give their magical gift away' type attitudes much more damaging to society Abi. Look at what it has done in the past, think of victorian hypocritical values. Personally I like just fucking. For me there is no special gift, no 'giving' yourself to someone. You just do an activity together which may or may not involve a penis being inserted into a vagina. I am still whole afterwards and none of me has been 'taken' or 'given'.

seaweedhead · 22/09/2013 21:32

Its quality that matters, not quantity.

PracticalGirl89 · 22/09/2013 22:37

Absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is better in a way as there are no ghosts in your bed and no comparisons with past lovers.

Lj8893 · 23/09/2013 00:22

I personally think calling someone a bike is not a nice thing to call someone. I equally don't think its nice to call someone a prude. Whatever the persons sexual nature/choices.

I have slept with several men, not loads but my fair share haha, and don't regret it tbh. I chose to sleep with every single person I have done, I don't feel like I have given anything away or that I have done any damage to myself as certainly not to society.

Equally if I had only slept with my dp, I wouldn't regret it because that was my choice.

To call someone a bike, or indeed a slut, is really unnecessary and bullying behaviour.

TheBigJessie · 23/09/2013 13:00

My goodness. For the record, I bet the OP was entirely justified in feeling offended.

But some of the posts since have been just as offensive! Giving oneself away for free?

Having sex is not giving oneself away! Sex is supposed to be equally pleasurable for both partners. It shouldn't be something you let a bloke do to you, so you can go to sleep...

The last time someone having lots of partners seriously affected society was Henry VIII, but I think we can agree that the Reformation wasn't purely caused by one bloke getting married six times. Otherwise, I hate to think what effect Zsa Zsa Gabor (nine marriages), Elizabeth Taylor (eight marriages) and Britney Spears (one of the shortest marriages ever) would have had upon us all.

If anyone wants to wage war against people giving themselves away for free, why not campaign against people being forced to take part in Workfare programs? That's giving oneself away for free, and hardly any of them are even truly consenting.

SelectAUserName · 23/09/2013 14:31

I don't agree with 'bike' or 'slut' comments, although I can see that the OP's friend was probably thinking along the lines of "live by the pork sword, die by the sword".

I'm another who has only slept with one man, and 20-odd years on I have no regrets. I can also be fairly confident that thanks to society being more open about sex in general and there being more opportunities to see what (some) other people get up to, I haven't missed out on anything or am 'putting up' with inferior sex because I don't know any better.

Two people in love, who still find each other attractive, can have exciting and varied sex if they want to - it's not the sole prerogative of those who have had a larger number of partners.

VisualiseAHorse · 23/09/2013 14:38

FWIW, I didn't call her a slut to her face.

This particular woman was slutty. I knew her well (worked and lived together for 4 years). I'm sorry to say that I do find pouncing on men, regardless of their marital status, and sometimes in front of their partners, and sleeping with several different men during one month slutty. In my very own tiny not really that important opinion, I think that is slutty. But as a PP said, it is all about perspective. I could equally be seen as slutty for having sex outside marriage.

By the 'giving my body away for free' comment, I meant that I have to love someone, and have their love and respect in return before I have sex. I know that this is not true for everyone, which is ok, I don't really care who you sleep with. But she should not have judged me for choosing who I sleep with carefully, just because she doesn't. It got my hackles up (it was a party, we were all pissed), and being drunk and defensive made me say it. I agree that maybe it wasn't the nicest way to put it.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 23/09/2013 14:43

I never planned for dh to be the only person I ever slept with. That's just the way it turned out. I wasn't going to say, you're the man I love and that incantation to marry but I must sleep with some other people first.
I just consider myself lucky that I found a nice one so quickly. There are good and not so good things about doing it both ways

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 23/09/2013 15:03

*incantation = plan to marry

Scholes34 · 23/09/2013 15:04

As long as he's not already married to someone else, I don't see a problem.

Latara · 23/09/2013 15:05

You're lucky - you're married and in love. Your 'friend' is probably just jealous!

Notafoodbabyanymore · 23/09/2013 15:15

I was a virgin when I got married, DH wasn't. He wishes that he was.

We're very happy and I don't feel like I've missed out on anything.

Don't worry about it OP, as long as you're happy.

Fleta · 23/09/2013 16:22

Of course you're not being unreasonable - if it works for you, then it works for you.

I met OH at 20. I fucked about from 18-20.

I enjoyed it. Doesn't make our relationship better/worse than yours. Just different. Smile

parabelle · 23/09/2013 16:33

Wish I had done that. Had many partners and so wish I'd respected myself and waited for the right one.