to ask how to deal with my lazy cunt fella,i swear im going to bin bag him!

[gettingrightfuckedoff]

Could be along one but hang on in there need some constructive advice not just LTB!

I have been with DP for 3 years, we have a 6 month LO.
Just had a row (him at the bottom of stairs me at the top) because I didn't bring him his sausage butty in to the front room while he was sat on his fat arse,he did have LO on his knee though.

Firstly we usually get on great and hardly ever argue He is quite passive. He would give me his last penny. we love each other a lot.

BUT I cant cope with his laziness, its always been an issue and its what we argue about if we do.

Ive always done 99% of the house work, I don't know if it's because I lived on my own for suck a long time, I just get on with things when they need doing or Im mothering him and why the fuck should I /why do that? The other 1% is when I remind him to wash his plate.

So before I had LO I worked full time but came home before DP and did chores and did evening meal, which would be ready for when DP got in. The odd occasion he did cook, he would completely fuck the kitchen up so in the end I just said don't bother.

When I had LO nothing changed, id had EC and lost a lot of blood, I really struggled. DP skipped of to fucking work every day, its something i still throw at him while I was doing fairy steps trying to breast feed LO with bleeding nipples, no sleep and clean the house I cant sit in mess, so I don't know if im being anal

fast forward to 6 months on still nothings changed, probably got worse actually. As DP is now paying all the bills Im sure it gives him even more right to think he is the king of the fucking manor. LO is in bed by the time he gets back so he literally sees her for 1 hour before he goes work in the morning.

I bring her in for cuddle in bed. I normally deal with her during the night as he wakes her up more bumbling about. Then I will get up to get her breakfast as I pass the landing he will shout "can u run the bath..." so I did then as I go down stairs he will shout " can u just iron my shirt" .. which I have started to refuse to do.

If he makes a drink, he will leave cupboard door open, juice bottle on side, empty glass then fucking walk away from it!

When we have tea at night, he will leave his empty plate next to him and sit the all night not moving, waiting for me to walk past to take it in or when I get up ask me to 'just make him a drink, or pass him a towel when in the bath, once or twice I don't mind but its EVERY time.

He will come in from work and unchanged on the spot, put his foot ball kit on and walk out leaving a pile of clothes there like he has just vanished.

When he comes home, when I try to talk to him about something he is that absorbed with sky sports he cant take his fucking eyes off telly to acknowledge what ive said, I did actually talk to his the other night about the ignorance and he apologised.

All I do is nag now, I hate it. He called me a stupid idiot this morning, I called him a lazy cunt, he stormed out to work. All because I didn't bring his butty in and hand it to him. I actually forgot to, baby was crying as she was tired as LO has not slept well so neither did I I was just more concerned with thinking that I would have to take LO off DP as he cant settle LO and eat my sarnie with her on my knee, pulling my hair and putting her fingers in my mouth and hoping the caffine in my coffee would kick in sharpish.

Im so fed up, ive had a cry. I know he is taking the piss big time, and if he cant see that he is bang out of order then we have massive problems. He does NOTHING. I am the cleaning fairy,the food fairy, the washing fairy,cleaning fairy ect...

I'm not his mum, waitress,maid! His dad is the fucking same.

I have talked to him over this before and he always says sorry he knows he should do more but nothing ever changes. I have to 'ask' him to help with LO too. I could punch him in the throat.

[olidusUrsus]

Yes MrsKoala, OH and I do the same. But it's done as a favour, as a nice gesture and it's always been asked for nicely and it's always appreciated with a "thank you" or a kiss and nobody expects anything.


picked carried my sarnie in and picked LO up of dp. He looked confused and looked at my plate and said " where's mine " I said in kitchen. His bottom lip came out and said "

Does he realise how fucking awful he sounds? How unattractive is that!

[specialsubject]

not a lot of respect for you showing here. Are there mutual interests? Do you find each other fun to be with? Do you have the same goals in life?

I hope so, because otherwise baby or not you are wasting your time.

put your foot down and see if he is interested in keeping what he's got.

[Technotropic]

Honestly, do him a favour and leave him.

I'd be mortified if my OH was referring to me as a cunt, and openly on a public forum.

Just my 2p.

[LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob]

I think this is a bit more than just the sandwich.

He is treating you with no respect whatsoever. This sort of thing will lead to so much resentment it will harm, possibly even end your relationship.

Plus as your child grows up they will either copy the behaviour os accept it as normal and put up with it themselves.

You need to have a good long talk. He needs to know what is at stake.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I know you've said you can't sit in mess, but since it results in you clearing up after him, he has no incentive to change. Well, no practical incentive - there should be the incentives of showing you respect, caring about you being tired, or even just the incentive of demonstrating that he is an adult. Unfortunately these do not appear to incentivise him either - he would rather you skivvied for him. And make no mistake OP, this is his preference. It is not really laziness, it is entitlement. His father demonstrated it to him, his mother enabled it, he sees it as his right. If you're going to get anywhere with him, that is what has to change - he has to stop seeing it as his right to be served.

I know you wanted constructive advice, but dealing with entitlement is a whole different bag from dealing with laziness. A lazy person knows they should be doing it, an entitled person refuses to accept that.

I honestly don't know how to overcome entitlement, except perhaps with shock tactics - showing them how much they will lose if they do not change. But in the meantime, I would resort to incentivising him with inconvenience. Clothes left in a heap would be cleared out of my way - to a shed, a spare room, a black bin bag in the boot of the car. I would not launder his clothes, hr could do them himself. That's a thought - has he a car? All crisp packets etc. would go in there. Unwashed cups in the footwell etc. He has to be forced to notice that the mess is HIS mess.

[gettingrightfuckedoff]

tech I think I'll skip your advice there is no way on this earth I would break our little family up and he wouldn't either,But maybe cunt was a harsh word. I have a real potty mouth and doing my best to stop in for LO.

We have a lot in common and usually get on great. No ones makes me laugh like him, we have a lot of fun together -ususally. The last time when we had a flare up was a few months ago was when he pissed all over the toilet seat in the middle of the night and forgot to clean it up. and I sat in it when I got up.

After thinking about it im not sure if it is entitlement or expectation (or is that the same thing). I micro manage every thing as its easier/quicker/cleaner/on time and I think that he has just really kicked back and enjoyed the easy ride. When I came home from hospital he wanted to cook me a soup to help me feel better but I wouldn't let him as I couldn't bare the thought of my kitchen getting trashed.

He has just text saying he is sorry and other soppy stuff.

I'm going to do a little rota, washing pots,bins ect he can do. Ironing and running baths can swivel though!

[RhondaJean]

Act like a cunt, you deserve to be called one op.

There's a balance somewhere in here, between you not letting him prepare food so he doesn't make a mess (I've got friends like this, I always wonder at what point the appearance of your home becomes more important than getting the prop nutrition you need!) and him sitting on his fat arse leaving everything behind him and letting you run round fetching him everything.

What's your little one, dd or DS? Would you want a man to treat your dd like this when she's grown? Or your son to treat his partner and home in such a disrespectful way?

If not do something about it NOW because you are teaching them this is what is normal.

[gettingrightfuckedoff]

your right Rhonda I have a dd and I wont be in house training her to be a stepfordwife either.

My niece nailed it the other day,10year old. I said I had to get DP tea on, she asked why and I said 'he will be home from work soon" she said " just tell him to get a potnoodle out the pound shop!" I may take her advice

[RhondaJean]

Good on you

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

well I have to say you are not helping when you stop him doing stuff tbh. let him get on with it and then tell him to clear up his own mess. when I started work full time I said to family I cannot do everything I have been doing. DH and DS's have chores now and if they are not done both Dh and I remind them. the compromise for me is that I have to stop being such a control freak and accept that some things are not going to be done the way I would like or redo them when they are out difference is they all appreciate what I used to do and what I still do and no longer take me for granted. life is much happier cos there is less nagging and sighs of mayrterdom (sp) from me

[katykuns]

Don't do anything for him. Remind him your 'job' at home is to look after your DD, not wait on him hand and foot.
Make him commit to certain jobs and don't let him persuade you out of it. But also don't constantly hassle him to do it exactly when you want or to do it how you do it. For example, I work f/t and partner stays at home. I always do washing up and he cooks. He does more than I do, but I do spring cleaning and diy. I also sort out financial stuff/budget and food shop every week. We change it around every so often. We are both pretty laid back though and as long as things aren't actually disgusting, could leave it until we can be bothered.

If he is completely unwilling to change, the only option is to just so everything to keep house tidy/DD happy, or LTB tbh

[katykuns]

... and only start running baths and making sandwiches etc when he starts doing it for you out of genuine kindness!

[Pagwatch]

My Ds1 had a young woman in his student flat like that.
One day, having asked her five times in a 12 hour period to clear the kitchen of her dirty plates etc so he could cook he put them all on her bed.

[SusuwatariToes]

I would stop doing anything that's for him at all. Find a spot that's in "his" space (eg. The floor beside his side of the bed) and put anything that he leaves lying around there, clothes, dishes, cups, rubbish. If he can't find something tell him to look in the pile. Only wash clothes that you find in the laundry basket. Cook enough for the family but don't dish him up anything, let him help himself. When he asks you to make him a drink or run his bath just say "I'm busy". Once he realises how much you do for him then you can have a conversation about how to share the responsibilities more. It's fine to do nice things for a partner but it is a favour, not an obligation. He should do favours for you too.

[StuntGirl]

I have absolutely no idea what positive traits this man could have that could possibly outweigh such twattishness.

[loveblackcats]

Who the hell bred all these lazy men?

[Lj8893]

I'm another one that is happy to do the majority of the housework because a) i can't live in mess and b) I'm on mat leave so its fair enough.

I wish dp wouldn't make the housework so difficult for me though (although he is gradually getting better).

My biggest gripe is that when he takes his clothes off instead of putting them in the laundry basket or putting them away, he just dumps them on the floor. So I then come along and have to decipher if they are clean or dirty and sort them out.

So......my new trick is to just put them all away, and just say I assumed since they wernt in the laundry basket then they were clean. He will soon learn when he has no clothes to wear because his whole wardrobe is full of dirty clothes!

[rattlemehearties]

Lj "I'm on mat leave so its fair enough." nah, I don't agree with this, you're on leave to look after your baby (and then yourself), not do all the housework.I don't agree with all these passive aggressive tactics being suggested either (putting dirty clothes back in the drawer, putting plates on the bed) - sit down when both calm and explain how it's making you miserable. Can you go and stay with your mum OP, leave him to do his own cooking/cleaning for a few days?

[CharityFunDay]

Can you go and stay with your mum OP, leave him to do his own cooking/cleaning for a few days?

Even if he could manage it (which from the OP's description, I doubt), there's no way this could effect a lasting change IMHO.

I think the passive-aggressive route is the way forward. You wouldn't train a dog by reasoning with it, and there are some people who need to be trained the same way.

[NeedlesCuties]

OP, do you ever get time to yourself away from the house? Even an hour to yourself outside?

I know when my DCs were tiny the house sort of became my space, so any mess that anyone made became amplified in my head and I focused on it.

Does your DP step up to the plate with looking after your DD? Give you time 'off'? You said in the thread about his football kit. Do you ever get a chance to go to a sport, a group, anything?

[lisylisylou]

Sounds like you need some time out. I can't be arsed and seriously struggle with cooking so out of necessity he HAD to learn how to cook. My washing never gets ironed so out of necessity my Dh HAD to learn how to use the iron. Let things slide and he will learn because he HAS to otherwise you will always be the lapdog! But just lower your expectations about the house. Sounds like my Dh but I just learnt to leave it or will say dishwashers/washing machines empty haha. Now Dh gets home from a business trip and freaks when (all the time) the house is a mess and last time actually started painting the house lol. I say live in squalor, be proud and just as long as the lo is ok and happy don't worry too much

[AaDB]

You are both together today, what is the plan?



The 'hook' as we call it gives me the rage. Dh used to do this when we first moved in together and it was very confusing and then annoying. He would always ask me to take his things/ dirty crockery with me when I left the room. It got to the point like he was almost reminding me to do it. I would just tell him he didn't live upstairs and to take them himself when he came down the next time.

[Lj8893]

rattlemehearties baby still has 5 weeks to make an appearance so I quite appreciate having the housework to do at the moment to stop me getting too bored there's only so much jezza Kyle I can watch

[Lweji]

there is no way on this earth I would break our little family up and he wouldn't either

You don't want to, but do you want to live like this?

Unless you are prepared to leave now, I suspect you will end up leaving sooner or later.
Because he knows you don't want to break up your little family and he takes advantage of that.

That's why most abusers reveal themselves (or get worse) after the marriage or after children are born. :(

You do need to have the talk that he ups his game and stops treating you like a maid, or he leaves. And be serious about it.