to ask how to deal with my lazy cunt fella,i swear im going to bin bag him!

[gettingrightfuckedoff]

Could be along one but hang on in there need some constructive advice not just LTB!

I have been with DP for 3 years, we have a 6 month LO.
Just had a row (him at the bottom of stairs me at the top) because I didn't bring him his sausage butty in to the front room while he was sat on his fat arse,he did have LO on his knee though.

Firstly we usually get on great and hardly ever argue He is quite passive. He would give me his last penny. we love each other a lot.

BUT I cant cope with his laziness, its always been an issue and its what we argue about if we do.

Ive always done 99% of the house work, I don't know if it's because I lived on my own for suck a long time, I just get on with things when they need doing or Im mothering him and why the fuck should I /why do that? The other 1% is when I remind him to wash his plate.

So before I had LO I worked full time but came home before DP and did chores and did evening meal, which would be ready for when DP got in. The odd occasion he did cook, he would completely fuck the kitchen up so in the end I just said don't bother.

When I had LO nothing changed, id had EC and lost a lot of blood, I really struggled. DP skipped of to fucking work every day, its something i still throw at him while I was doing fairy steps trying to breast feed LO with bleeding nipples, no sleep and clean the house I cant sit in mess, so I don't know if im being anal

fast forward to 6 months on still nothings changed, probably got worse actually. As DP is now paying all the bills Im sure it gives him even more right to think he is the king of the fucking manor. LO is in bed by the time he gets back so he literally sees her for 1 hour before he goes work in the morning.

I bring her in for cuddle in bed. I normally deal with her during the night as he wakes her up more bumbling about. Then I will get up to get her breakfast as I pass the landing he will shout "can u run the bath..." so I did then as I go down stairs he will shout " can u just iron my shirt" .. which I have started to refuse to do.

If he makes a drink, he will leave cupboard door open, juice bottle on side, empty glass then fucking walk away from it!

When we have tea at night, he will leave his empty plate next to him and sit the all night not moving, waiting for me to walk past to take it in or when I get up ask me to 'just make him a drink, or pass him a towel when in the bath, once or twice I don't mind but its EVERY time.

He will come in from work and unchanged on the spot, put his foot ball kit on and walk out leaving a pile of clothes there like he has just vanished.

When he comes home, when I try to talk to him about something he is that absorbed with sky sports he cant take his fucking eyes off telly to acknowledge what ive said, I did actually talk to his the other night about the ignorance and he apologised.

All I do is nag now, I hate it. He called me a stupid idiot this morning, I called him a lazy cunt, he stormed out to work. All because I didn't bring his butty in and hand it to him. I actually forgot to, baby was crying as she was tired as LO has not slept well so neither did I I was just more concerned with thinking that I would have to take LO off DP as he cant settle LO and eat my sarnie with her on my knee, pulling my hair and putting her fingers in my mouth and hoping the caffine in my coffee would kick in sharpish.

Im so fed up, ive had a cry. I know he is taking the piss big time, and if he cant see that he is bang out of order then we have massive problems. He does NOTHING. I am the cleaning fairy,the food fairy, the washing fairy,cleaning fairy ect...

I'm not his mum, waitress,maid! His dad is the fucking same.

I have talked to him over this before and he always says sorry he knows he should do more but nothing ever changes. I have to 'ask' him to help with LO too. I could punch him in the throat.

[paperclipsarebetterthanstaples]

I don't think it's fair to pick and choose - you either want an equal partner or a child - treating him like a child over the cooking isn't going to help. You need to sit down and discuss it properly. I did the majority of the housework when on mat leave because i was able to - DS was a good sleeper during the day which gave me some time. Not all babies are easy so you both need to be honest and realistic about what can be done by you during the day and what needs to be shared between you on an evening / weekend.

[paperclipsarebetterthanstaples]

Also - taking lo off DP because he can't settle heterosexual? That's not on really. He needs to be able to as her dad surely?? If she was pulling your hair etc then she wasn't settled with you either so she may as well have stayed with him. Could you go out and leave them to it for the day? Come home and ask what's for dinner? leave your bag and coat on the floor then ask him to get your phone / watch etc when he's rushing in to stir your dinner? You deserve treats too!

[paperclipsarebetterthanstaples]

Heterosexual?? Wtf?? 'her' obviously - sorry!

[MrsKoala]

lisylisy - that approach only works with people who actually want stuff done, so if it doesn't get done by someone else they do it themselves. My DH wont do it even if i don't because he doesn't think it needs doing in the first place (and if i don't do dinner he just goes to a restaurant). So things just don't get done at all. I've had to accept that and massively lower my standards and cook if i don't want all our money going on food.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

MrsKoala he would just go to a restaurant rather than make food himself? You do realise that that is really abnormal behaviour?

[olidusUrsus]

Yy - that's bizarre!

[MrsKoala]

If there's no dinner he'd just go to the chippy, or pizza express or Giraffe or something. I don't think it's that abnormal. If you can't cook or hate cooking it's probably quicker than going to the supermarket and buying an oven pizza. It does add up tho.

[HonkHonk]

MrsKoala, it's normal in this house if nowhere else

[AnyFucker]

Keep doing what you are doing, you will get what you have been getting

Have a little rant, get "rightfuckedoff", swear a bit, he picks up his undies for a couple of days

This time next week, you will be right back to square one. But more tired and more resentful.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"If there's no dinner he'd just go to the chippy, or pizza express or Giraffe or something."
Whereas my DH would open the fridge, see what there was and eat in. Even DS would manage to make himself a sandwich!

[MrsKoala]

Whereyouleftit - He doesn't eat sandwiches and that wouldn't be enough for dinner anyway. We would never have anything in the fridge he could 'just eat' i suppose. It would all involve a lot of prep and cooking - so easier and quicker to go out.

[MacNCheese]

Can you give him jobs that are just his. My dp takes the rubbish out mows the lawn. These jobs are his and I do everything else (I'm a sahm till next month). There is not confusion then.
I think when it's general mess tying doesn't occur to them because it doesn't seem messy to them.

[AnyFucker]

I give my children "jobs that are just theirs"

My husband ? I expect him to take equal care of the house that he also lives in, and the children that he had a major part in conceiving. There is nothing wrong with his eyesight and he sees the mess just as easily as anyone else. Mess is not "confusing" in any way. He also has full use of his brain, his arms and his legs.

[MrsKoala]

Anyfucker i think the concept of 'mess' can be 'confusing', I think it's more someone 'doesn't see it as mess'. To some it is the object it is, ie trousers on the floor are not mess, they are trousers and what does it matter if they are on the floor or in a wardrobe, they will still be trousers, in fact floor trousers are better than cupboard trousers because it means you can just step into them when you want to wear them again, saving time looking in the wardrobe, so in fact putting them away is just adding to your time.

[HonkHonk]

Yes, what Koala said again.

In this house we disagree about whether shoes live by the front door or in a cupboard at the other end of the hall. I hate them being by the front door, but I totally see the argument for that being a reasonable place to keep them. It saves an awful lot of walking...

Similarly, I think you should do laundry as soon as there's enough to justify a wash. DH thinks you should do laundry as soon as you run out of clean clothes. Consequently, I do more laundry than him.

I think crisp bags/sandwich wrappers etc should go in the bin instantly. He thinks they should go there 'later'/when he's passing. He doesn't expect me to pick up his rubbish, but really doesn't mind if it sits about for a couple of hours. Consequently, I often put his rubbish in the bin. That's not me 'enabling', that's me taking responsibility for the sort of environment I want to live in.

What constitutes 'mess' is definitely ambiguous.

As for having jobs that are his/hers, why would you not? At work I know very well what is my responsibility and what isn't. Why wouldn't I want the same clarity at home? Shopping's my job. It means I take responsibility for making sure there's food for us all. It doesn't mean that some days my way if dealing with that is to delegate it to him.

As for the OP, I'd say ignore all the people telling you to LTB. You had a chore-related row is all. It happens. In a calm moment, say you'd like to discuss it with him. And then discuss it with him -/ don't lay down the law, or issue ultimatums or threaten to LTB, just explain your starting point and ask his. Take it from there.

You say you've got a great relationship otherwise, so don't let this ruin it.

But if it was easy, we wouldn't still be arguing about where shoes are kept (20 years in...)

[HonkHonk]

isn't to delegate

I do delegate, I just don't do double negatives well...

[Misspixietrix]

The more you do for others the less they will do for themselves OP. Does he ever run you a Bath?

[Morloth]

What AnyFucker says.

He has no motivation to change because you won't do anything about it if he doesn't.

He obviously cares less about your feelings than the effort it would take for him to pull his weight.

He can see the mess, he knows he should look after his own shit, he just doesn't care how you feel about it.

[MrsKoala]

But you could say the same the other way round about some people (no idea about the OP specifically) Morloth. My DH actually hates the house tidy because he can't find anything and it's so much quicker and easier for him if stuff is all over the place. He could say i don't care enough about his feelings to have his stuff where he wants it. He could say if i cared about his feelings i would make the effort to not care about the mess. We have compromised by having DH's clothes in a laundry basket on the floor in our room and his stuff stays in there, which he still grumbles about a bit from time to time when he goes to retrieve something from the floor where he left it.

Likewise putting things in the bin makes no sense to DH. As far as he's concerned why don't we just leave the rubbish about till the night before bin day and go round room to room with a big bin bag collecting rubbish from various surfaces/the floor, therefore saving numerous small trips to the bin. It does have logic, it just isn't my logic.

[StuntGirl]

Most hilariously ridiculous argument I've ever seen for excusing childish behaviour in adults

[AnyFucker]

The "logic" of laziness is based on selfishness. I don't like people who live with me to demonstrate selfishness and model it to my children. I am trying to teach my children to be and to expect equal partnership in relationships and I expect my H to do the same, not actually to be a hindrance.

[MrsKoala]

Why is it hilarious? why is someones opinion about the area they live in not valid in their own home? Just because it doesn't fit with your opinions standards? I'm not sure what it has to do with equal partnership either - if that person actively doesn't want you to tidy. It isn't like they are sitting there demanding you do it for them. They are saying 'ffs DON'T pick up my dirty laundry!'

[Numberlock]

What a lovely thread title. Is it a direct quote from Shakespeare?

[gettingrightfuckedoff]

Wow didn't know this thread was still going.

For an update asked by a poster - we had a good talk when dd had gone to bed over a glass of wine. I told him I was getting resentful and talked about the issues I had posted about.

He also brought some stuff up that I did that pissed him off moi? I'm perfect!

I think we both just come off track a bit. Putting the mess issue aside, we both felt under appreciated. Dp does a lot for my family, financially and actively and works l

[Numberlock]

Well they say you get what you deserve. Is it all resolved in your eyes then?