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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want BIL looking after DD

125 replies

sewingsue · 19/09/2013 21:23

BIL lives abroad and visits for 2 weeks every year. This visit he says he wants to take DD, age 2, out for the day by himself. I've said no as DD doesn't know him and he doesn't know her.

DH is cross that I'm making things difficult for him with his brother as BIL is asking why we don't trust him. To me it's not about BIL, it's about DD.

Am I being overly protective?

OP posts:
JenaiMorris · 20/09/2013 12:36

is that so difficult to fathom, I mean.

SisterMonicaJoan · 20/09/2013 12:43

It's the insistence that he take her though. Like OP now has to hand her daughter over just to prove that she trusts him Hmm

How old is your bil op? Is he too young to realise that your DD is too young to be away from you with someone who isn't used to being around children? Or should he be old enough to understand that it's too much too soon?

After how he reacted to "no", I wouldn't be letting her go with him - that's no to say he's a wrong 'un or anything, but not emotionally mature enough to look after a toddler..

Chusband · 20/09/2013 13:05

I think it is his reaction to the OP saying no which is weird, rather than the request itself.

burberryqueen · 20/09/2013 13:15

just say no it is v weird, sorry.

oldgrandmama · 20/09/2013 13:21

No no no. Really bad idea. But why not suggest you all go out with BIL, as a family?

JackNoneReacher · 20/09/2013 13:21

What GrandstandingBlueTit said.

I'm just tired of these threads about adults who are utterly self centred.

I have no doubt he would cope but would it be good for her to spend a day with a complete stranger? What does she get out of it? Fuck all. If he wants a good relationship with his young niece he needs to build one like every adult/child has to do. Not expect a day out to be some sort of team building event and a substitute for getting to know and trust and adult.

Tbh I think its a really bad message to give a young child too. Don't go with strangers etc etc except today, go out for a whole day with this total stranger...

JackNoneReacher · 20/09/2013 13:24

Incidentally I think its very unlikely that the relative is a paedophile.

However I am not in the habit of leaving my 2 year old alone, with someone who is a complete stranger to her, male or female, related or otherwise and for a whole day.

persimmon · 20/09/2013 13:29

Alarm bells would be ringing in my head. YADNBU.

CeliaFate · 20/09/2013 13:39

My consideration would be for my dd. She wouldn't have a clue who this man is and wouldn't feel comfortable with him. You won't be able to relax. Your bil has no experience of looking after toddlers and won't know what to do if she cries, hurts herself, wants mummy etc.
I wouldn't jump to conclusions to his motives - he's her uncle and he wants to spend time with her. But it has to be on your terms and if he doesn't like it, then tough luck on him.

ashleysilver · 20/09/2013 13:52

The thing of BIL asking why you don't trust him sounds a bit like emotional blackmail to me. Then you have to 'prove' you trust him by letting him do what he wants. Or if you don't do as he says, it 'proves' you don't trust him.

YANBU for doing what is best for dd. As somebody said upthread What does she get out of it? Fuck all.

Buzzardbird · 20/09/2013 13:59

It's a 'no' from me. 2yr old child should not be encouraged to go anywhere with people she doesn't 'know'. Either do it altogether or he will have to wait until you and your dc know him better.
Tough shit to anyone who doesn't agree with your decision.
You have to act in the best interest of your child...not other's.

TVTonight · 20/09/2013 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RenterNomad · 20/09/2013 16:21

Has he a new girlfriend to impress, or something?

avolt · 20/09/2013 16:25

I'm a mum but I couldn't cope with a 2 year old I didn't know. You need that sixth sense that stops them just before they run off or climb something they can't get down from.

He's probably got some notion of bonding with her and doing something lovely. But absolutely no idea about the practicalities. I think when he meets her he might start to comprehend.

drivingmisslazy · 20/09/2013 16:28

I would not be happy about this either. If they were older and got on then that's different, but not at 2.

MistressDeeCee · 20/09/2013 16:28

What JackNoneReacher

Sometimes I feel women have to be very thickskinned once they become mothers. Why is it so often women arent listened to, or thought to be precious, or overbearing etc when it comes to their own children? As if when you become a mother you somehow lose your senses and everyone else knows you, and your child, better than you?

As a mother the OP has said no, & is quite clear why she feels uncomfortable. BIL & DH should just bloody accept it! or compromise, both DH & BIL take DD out if theyre so fussed, whilst OP has some 'me time' for the day.

But, oh no..its all about browbeating the silly little woman with fanciful ideas. Its bullshit. & I wouldnt necessarily be one of those who thinks he must be a paedo but Im not going to knock anyone who wonders, because abuse of children normally comes from a family member who is highly enough thought of by adult family members to have access to their child. No is no. & yes, BIL being this forceful about it as opposed to ' oh, ok why dont we all go then ' does ring alarm bells with me.

Its not going to be a fun day out for DD all circumstances considered so, whats it all about, really? power? control?

phantomnamechanger · 20/09/2013 16:29

bloody hell YANBU

so many reasons, will he even be able to understand her talking? know what she likes/does not? how would he cope with a crisis/tantrum/upset/illness/nappy change etc etc etc

blood relative or not, your child does not KNOW him
there are other ways he can build a relationship with her.

I would be saying no if the DD was 16, TBH!

And its decidedly odd that he is making out you are paranoid/do not trust him, instead of just trying to see it as what is best for HER

MistressDeeCee · 20/09/2013 16:59

meant to say, I agree with what JackNoneReacher said

JenaiMorris · 20/09/2013 18:10

But TV I don't think, from what we've heard, that there is anything tricky about it. There are great gaps which people are filling in - as we all do on threads - because we only have a few lines of text from the OP to go on.

How about, he's insistent because he really, really wants to spend time with his niece? Time where he and she can bond and he can play the over-indulgent uncle? He's quite possibly over optimistic about how fun a day they'll have, granted, although as I said earlier not all young children would feel terribly traumatised by going out for a day with someone they don't really know - especially not if it's the zoo. I find it interesting that the same people who berate the uncle for knowing FA about children seem not to know this.

Or how about Renter's suggestion? Which wouldn't make it a good idea to let them go by any means, but at least it's ill-judged rather than sinister.

Talking about the gaps btw - do we actually know that he has no experience of small children?

The OP has made three fairly short posts. From which it has been decided that the uncle doesn't know anything about 2yos and that the reason he wants to know why the OP isn't giving her blessing to this day trip is not that he's a bit hurt and doesn't understand why the OP doesn't trust him, but that he has nefarious plans. It's bizarre.

JenaiMorris · 20/09/2013 18:19

Apologies to the OP there - she states quite clearly that this is about her daughter and not about her not trusting the uncle. I wonder how that was expressed? Maybe her husband hasn't actually explained that to his brother and it's him who is offended rather than the uncle.

Thing is, we just don't know.

TVTonight · 20/09/2013 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenaiMorris · 20/09/2013 19:03

Nor is she chattel to be "owned" exclusively by her mother. She is a person in her own right, who should be allowed to form good relationships with other people who have her best interests at heart.

I'm certainly not claiming that the OP is possessive - we don't have enough to go on for me to say that - but I do often wonder about some of the threads you read objecting to grandparents spending time with their grandchildren and the like.

Jux · 20/09/2013 19:14

Dear BIL

1 she is very young
2 she does not know you
3 you need to build up to it so she feels safe and secure with you

That's it.
Thanks, love, SewingSue

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 20/09/2013 19:23

Why are people saying hes insisting and trying to emotionally blackmail the OP when all the BIL asked his brother was why they don't trust him?

He asked to spend time with his niece that is all. Fair enough saying she doesn't know him so for her DDs sake she wont allow but the posts on here about him been weird, been an alternative notice etc isn't necessary.

expatinscotland · 20/09/2013 19:35

YANBU. Show your DH this thread.