AIBU to not want BIL looking after DD

[sewingsue]

BIL lives abroad and visits for 2 weeks every year. This visit he says he wants to take DD, age 2, out for the day by himself. I've said no as DD doesn't know him and he doesn't know her.

DH is cross that I'm making things difficult for him with his brother as BIL is asking why we don't trust him. To me it's not about BIL, it's about DD.

Am I being overly protective?

I've actually had a similar situation in reverse. DH and I were much younger and had arranged to take our niece out for the day. Her mother did the 'It might be easier if I come with you, if that's ok' thing. We were shocked because there was no way we had ever even considered her not coming with us. We'd changed nappies before but there's a big difference between changing a 4 month old and changing a 20 month old who doesn't want to be changed!

He probably hasn't even considered the practicalities or how young your DD still is.

This one is all about compromise.

Go out together and IF the LO
is comfortable and happy then maybe a couple of hours with her Uncle would be ok (on the basis he will not be too far away and will call).

It's healthy for kids to have these extended family relationships and great your BIL wants to be involved (assumes he is not an asshole).

However a full day is too much as a start point IMHO.

YANBU, I wouldn't leave my DD with someone she didn't know for the day, family or not. She'd hate it! Maybe if they get to know each other during his trip and get on well then he could take her to the park for an hour or something towards the end of the second week. Only if your dd is happy to go with him though, if she's not then I wouldn't force her just to keep bil happy.

This is one of those silly situations where you're having to pander to the 'hurt' feelings of two grown adults, who seem to think their egos take precedence of the emotional well-being (I don't want to over egg the pudding, but really) of a two year in the care of a virtual stranger.

It's frustrating, indulgent and time-wasting.

Tell them they both need to cop onto themselves, and then come and talk to you about some sort of compromise once they've got over themselves. :)

I said no to a similar but less extreme- my bil wanted to take 4 yr old dd out for a day to a theme park. He has known her her whole life and sees her once a month probably so she knows him well. I still said no because he has never been alone with her for more than 10 mins and I just felt from nothing to an entire day was too much and would make it very difficult for him if she got upset/had an accident/was difficult. He was disappointed but we compromised that he and dp would do it together while I was at work and we would build up to it with a couple of short independent trips to the park etc. so I think you are being completely reasonable and feel free to use me as an example of someone who is truly unreasonable to placate him!

Of course it is up to you and your Dh what your daughter does and who she spends time with.

Sounds like your dh is happy about it and you not - so you need to discuss this issue together. Presumably your dh knows his brother better than you, and reckons he would cope, so you need to let dh put his brothers case before saying a flat no, and he needs to let you voice your concerns, then you need to be united in your response to bil, whatever it is.

I can't believe all the people who are shrieking that it is weird for an uncle to want to take his niece for a day out, predicting he won't be able to change a nappy (hardly rocket science!)

We live abroad too, and hardly see family, but I happily left my two year old with her single, childless uncle, he took her to the playground and swimming, and bought her chips ,and she had a lovely time! She hardly ever sees him, but she knows who he is because she sees him on Skype and we talk about him a lot, so maybe it is different.

I'm with smokedmackeral. He is her uncle. My childless SIL loves taking DS out without us. Does she not 'know' him at all. Do you not regularly Skype so she can see him and him her.

Weird? Ffs!

It's up to you of course OP and if you feel your daughter wouldn't cope then say no. I think at 2, my ds would have been fine with it - the excitement of the zoo would've won over any feelings of insecurity. Not all 2 yos are the same.

My concern would be that the adult in the situation was aware of toddlers' propensity to bolt, be thoroughly irrational, and need nappy changes. If they were aware and capable of handling that then off they'd go.

It's quite astonishing how many people are questioning his motives. He needs to understand that quick and extreme bonding that works with adult won't work with 2 year old. Saying that I would take very active part in helping to form and maintain a relationship with him. Who wouldn't like a fun uncle! Why not plan outings with him before he comes? And fir now both BIL and DH can take your child to the zoo.

I have 2 nieces and 2 nephews who I see regularly and 2 DC of my own, their parents did let me or my DH take them off for a day on our own at the age of 2, no problem.

I also have a niece who is just 2 that I have only seen 4 times, the last being at Christmas, she doesn't know me at all and I would have no idea if what she eats etc. I wouldn't want to take her to the zoo on my own and neither would DH.

I am an auntie to a toddler who i see for a couple of hours a day a few days a week. Knowing this toddler this well there is not a cat in hell's chance I would want the responsibility of looking after him on my own. For a start, excluding the fight at nappy change time or the tantrums, the propensity to be there one minute gone the next would have me on pins all day.

My 4 month old is a doddle in comparison!

I agree with previous posters both men are being indulgent and I defo agree it's odd to use emotional manipulation to try and coerce you into doing something you don't want to do when he doesn't know the child at all.

Why on earth can't your DH understand why this isn't a good idea?

I have never, and will never, understand why some people are obsessed with seperating little kids from their parents. There are so many threads about grandparents, etc, demanding to have children "on their own" from when they are really little! My niece is nearly 2 and it just wouldn't occur to me to take her away from her parents unless they wanted me to babysit.

I would also be saying no to this OP. She is too little to just waltz off happily with a total stranger and have a happy time. TBH, my DH would just have to be cross and if they wanted to make me the bad guy, so be it.

It depends on the child though.
Dd1 would have gone happily at 2yo feeling like a "big girl" and very impressed with herself for being so grown up.
Dd2 wouldn't at 2yo but would at 3yo. In fact at 3yo she'd probably have been inviting herself.
Ds is 6yo and still probably wouldn't unless it was something he thought sounded really brilliant. He'd probably say he'd go if I was coming too even then. He's already told me I'll be going on his school residential in year 6 with him.

Squitten the reason, in some cases, why people want to spend time with children seperately from their parents is that it can be a much easier way of getting to know the child. I've seen this with neices and nephews and godchildren - when mum or dad is around, they tend to talk to them, or communicate to other adults through them. On their own, they will open up a lot more. Equally, a lot of adults without kids think it might be nice for the parents to have some time to themselves. If they don't know the child well, and don't spend a lot of time with young children, the difficulties may not occur to them.

It really does depend on the child. At two, one of my nephews asked if he could come with me and DP when we left their house to go and visit another friend! He did and he was as good as gold. Another one of my nephews is now eight and has just for the first time ever expressed an interest in going on a day out just me and him and DH (his mum wants an excuse to come to London, go shopping and catch a matinee, we'll be taking him to the zoo etc).

Squitten I agree. Why can't people see their young relatives with family?
Dd2 only sees pil occasionally as they live away, she takes most if the first day to warm to them when they visit as she forgets them and even then still wants me if upset or tired.

I think this is extremely weird. If he actually cared about spending time with her and getting to know her, he would be happy to do that in your company at first and to gradually build up to taking her out by himself.

The "Don't you trust me?" stuff is very weird and manipulative. OP, if I'm honest I have major alarm bells ringing and I think you need to check into him quite thoroughly and see if he's got a history of this. I'm sorry but it's very odd and my gut reaction is that you need to be careful with this man.

Weird weird weird. Please do not allow him to have your daughter alone.

I don't give a toss if he's related - he's a stranger, your DD doesn't not know him at all, and could be frightened.

I have inlaws who keep insisting like this. They have only seen DD 3 times since she was born. Yet want to see her on their own for a whole day. Not a cat in hells chance.

Please, just take the flak and stick to your guns on this one. Something doesn't fit right with me here at all.

Totally odd. Either he's very misguided or has ulterior motives.

My brother lives abroad. He's hardly seen our 2yo (though she recognises him from Skype). There is no way he would sugges a day's jaunt with her next time he's over. That's because he has the emotional intelligence to realise that she would be distressed without us, that he is effectively a stranger to her and would enjoy building Duplo towers with her with us around much more!

I really don't like all the mentions of trust - why even insinuate that you might not trust him, thus backing you into a corner? You either trust him and she goes or don't trust him and she stays.

And your DH? Pandering to his stroppy brother's demands? He needs to grow a backbone.

Not sure he has thought this through. I am fairly used to minding children, of various ages, but I would baulk at taking out a two year old, for a full day, who doesn't know me. Does he have any idea what is involved, nappy changes, tiredness, what she would like to eat/ not eat...
YANBU. To her, he is a stranger, she is a little 'un, and her needs come first, in this scenario.

No no no not on gods earth would I let any fecking man take my dd out on her own feck em all I say. yadnbu op!

If a relative I trusted but who didn't know my toddler well offered to take him somewhere nice, and my partner objected because that relative was clearly a paedophile (which is what people are getting at here), I'd be hurt and angry and think he'd lost the plot.

Oh, and what dancing says. The dynamic is completely different when a child's parents aren't around - is that so difficult fathom?