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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want BIL looking after DD

125 replies

sewingsue · 19/09/2013 21:23

BIL lives abroad and visits for 2 weeks every year. This visit he says he wants to take DD, age 2, out for the day by himself. I've said no as DD doesn't know him and he doesn't know her.

DH is cross that I'm making things difficult for him with his brother as BIL is asking why we don't trust him. To me it's not about BIL, it's about DD.

Am I being overly protective?

OP posts:

Original poster

sewingsue · 20/09/2013 19:46

I've only just had a chance to catch up - wow, so many replies.

There is nothing sinister going on. BIL is a lovely guy who means well. No, he can't change a nappy. He was retching over the sink the one time he watched her nappy being changed! His girlfriend and her nephew would also be going for the day so she would be responsible for the practical stuff I assume. For the record they know her nephew well, she used to look after him.

DH is now getting it in the neck from many parties who all think BIL should be allowed to take DD out for the day. These people don't have their own kids! BIL is still seeing it as a trust thing even though DH has insisted it isn't.

I'm being made to feel like an evil mother who is causing family rifts.

OP posts:

JenaiMorris · 20/09/2013 19:47

and he'll see a bunch of absurd overreaction, expat

Chusband · 20/09/2013 20:06

OP you said in your original post that he wanted to take DD out for the day by himself

It is obviously less weird if there is in fact a girlfriend and another child going. But that's not what you said.

Original poster

sewingsue · 20/09/2013 20:09

I meant 'by himself' as in not with me or DH
It's about me not wanting DD to be away from her parents with anyone she doesn't know

OP posts:

Chusband · 20/09/2013 20:11

I still don't think you're being unreasonable but less so than before, IYSWIM!

Tash28 · 20/09/2013 20:14

How forceful is dh being though in explaining its a no and why? If it was me and my family, it would be a no and there would be little discussion and that would be the end of that. Not other people jibbing in also trying to coerce you to do something you don't want to. It sounds like he might be being a bit like mine...a bit sitty on the fence and shifting the focus onto you. It also sounds like he's also trying to manipulate you into it happening.

I can see why the Bil wants her now...it doesn't take away from the fact that a couple who don't have kids are taking out 2 on their own. I still wouldn't in your position. It also doesn't miraculously mean that he knows her and her quips. You're not being possessive or overprotective, you're being a good mum. Just because he's a relation does not in any way give him automatic and unfettered access to your child. Not even for anything sinister, just because he doesn't bloody know her!

Oceansurf · 20/09/2013 20:14

Fine, he's lovely. But he's still a total stranger to your daughter

Why on earth would you even feel bad about saying no?

Let him and the girlfriend come and spend time with you all - as a family.

AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat · 20/09/2013 21:19

I definitely wouldn't let my partners brother take DD out for a few hours on his own, although she is only 6 months old at the moment, but the same would apply if she was 2.

It's not that I don't particularly trust him, although he isn't the most sensible person sometimes but I know he'd look after her really well as he has a little girl of his own, who is 7 months older than my daughter.

However, she doesn't know him well and wouldn't cope well. If she hurt herself or got scared, she'd want me (that's even true for now, so I imagine even more so at 2). She would also possibly push her luck with him, might get confused with what she is and isn't allowed to do and most importantly not be very used to him, considering she only sees him a few times a year, as far as things are going at the moment.

So I really don't think it's a matter of trust I think it's more to do with how your daughter would feel. Explain to him how this would be for your daughter, not you. If he can't see that, he isn't being very respectful to your daughters needs and that's not so nice.

I really think it's the place of your partner to explain this to him though in a clear and concise manner. If he doesn't listen to his brother, he's probably unlikely to listen to you. But maybe you could explain it a bit better? It depends a lot on the relationship you have with your BIL (close, formal etc).

I second what a previous poster suggested. Go all together and perhaps he could take her for 30 minutes whilst you and your partner have a coffee in the café or go and see a different attraction. That way she is getting time with him, but you aren't far away if there is anything bothering her (or him).

If he doesn't have his own children he wont realise how daunting it can be if you have a little child really, really upset. My daughter got really hysterical yesterday and I nearly ended up crying and I am her mother and in general know what to do - so for an unexperienced man to deal with this would be quite difficult.

I also think it depends how well you know the girlfriend too. After all, if you don't know her well you wont know how well she'll deal with your daughter out and about and how well your daughter will respond to her.

I hope this can get sorted so your BIL can have a good time when he visits. :)

Sorry that was a mammoth post.

BangOn · 20/09/2013 21:24

he needs a reality check.

serin · 20/09/2013 21:52

I feel you led us up the garden path with that one OP.

First you say on his own and then it's with others

farewellfarewell · 20/09/2013 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maddening · 20/09/2013 23:23

this man has clearly never been to a zoo with a 2yr old! Yanbu !

themaltesefalcon · 20/09/2013 23:34

Your BIL is undoubtedly a very nice, well-intentioned, clueless man. In his head, your daughter is Tatum O'Neal from "Paper Moon"- not a pooey, tantrummy, clingy, bolty two-year-old who will be anxious and probably frightened if carted away from her parents by a total stranger.

Your DH, who ought to understand exactly who your daughter is and what she will be able to cope with, is being an absolute fuckhead.

maddening · 20/09/2013 23:42

and how old is the nephew?

DuelingFanjo · 20/09/2013 23:55

YABU. Your DH should understand that sending a two year old out with a stranger is utterly ridiculous.

DuelingFanjo · 20/09/2013 23:57

Sorry, that should be YANBU!

ukatlast · 21/09/2013 01:27

YADNBU - you do not know your BIL's girlfriend and neither does your daughter - GF will have her nephew there who will be her safeguarding priority.
Stick to your guns - your daughter is not a chattel you are forced to hand around like a parcel.
I think the only person who ever had charge of mine and for brief periods at age 2 was my own Mum.

ukatlast · 21/09/2013 01:28

..and my DH of course.

complexnumber · 21/09/2013 02:00

I took my niece out when she was 2.

We had a lot of fun.

AveryJessup · 21/09/2013 04:20

It's less concerning now you mention that his girlfriend and her nephew will be coming along because that means there will be a responsible adult along with him who has some experience of childcare (from what you say about the GF taking care of the practical stuff!).

Maybe he just wants to play happy families with his GF for a day and have a 'fun' outing at the zoo. He clearly has no idea how much work a 2-year old can be!

Maybe you can compromise with him and let him take your DD out in the morning for a few hours e.g. from 9-12 and then take her home. I don't think many 2 year olds would last longer than that anyway with a lot of stimulation and new people around. They tire quickly at that age...

CoolaSchmoola · 21/09/2013 05:31

I don't think it's weird either. We spent four years living overseas and both my husband and I would take our nieces and nephews out alone when we visited, both younger and older.

My husband loves them, just as he loves the rest of his family. To suggest that wanting to spend time with them is in any way 'weird' is a horrible testament to the suggestors mindset.

OP if you aren't comfortable with it then that's up to you, you know your child. But please ignore the scaremongers who are implying there is something wrong with your bil wanting to spend time alone with your child. I worked with child sexual offenders, so tend to know a lot more about them than your average person (and often wish I didn't!) and I don't think this is weird or indicative of anything other than an uncle wanting to give his brother's child a fabulous time, but, because he doesn't know your child he isn't aware that they may not be ready for a full day with him.

Incidentally he's not wrong for asking either, some children, my 23 month old included, would happily go off for the day with someone they don't know well, whereas others won't. Both are fine.

CoolaSchmoola · 21/09/2013 05:40

Gah, stupid phone!

It's down to the individual needs of the child. I would let my DD go because I know my brother and sil can cope with a toddler, even though their first is still cooking, and because I know my daughter will be fine despite not seeing them very often. But that's her. I fully accept that another child may be the exact opposite, so on that situation, despite knowing my db and dsil would be fine I would say no, because the child wouldn't be.

If your child would potentially not be happy you are absolutely right to say no.

Catsize · 21/09/2013 07:02

'GF Will have her nephew there who will be her safeguarding priority'.
Oh. My. Word.
I after think of my son as my 'safeguarding priority'. Hilarious.
Glad uncle no longer thought to be world's greatest peadophile now there is a woman in tow.
Poor blokes - they get a hard time nowadays.

Catsize · 21/09/2013 07:03

Often. Not after.

Inertia · 21/09/2013 08:12

It's not the right thing for your child - that should be the end of the story. She isn't a toy to be shared out, or a token to be handed over as proof of trust - she is a toddler with her own practical and emotional needs, and there's no reason why she should be dragged away from her parents to spend the day with three people she doesn't know.

Without making any accusations, I really don't get why they are insisting you and dh can't go along too. Surely a family day out for all of you would be more fun and easier in practical terms?

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