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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask myself if I should do playdates after all?

59 replies

language · 18/09/2013 15:29

I have 3 children (8, 6 and 1 YO). The older two have a lot of after school activities and some homework to do. I work part-time and am very busy, so the children have play dates very rarely. I really like to spend time with the children myself when they don't have school/activities: we read, paint, play together.The older DC do seem to have good friends at school though, and play nicely together at home. Now I'm not very sociable an neither is my partner (nor are the 4 grandparents in fact). Am I raising a new generation of introverts? Should I make a bigger effort and invite DC's friends more often? In your experience, are playdates important at all for the children's development? Do you think that they really gain any social skills which will be useful later in life?

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 18/09/2013 16:09

Most of the questions you pose are too intellectual for me Smile.

However, I do think that one of the nice things about having a friend is the occasional visit to their house for tea and to play. I do feel a bit sorry for your children's friends if they never get invited because it is a fairly standard piece of childhood friendship.

DoJo · 18/09/2013 16:14

I think the most important thing is whether you think your kids would enjoy it. Are you worried about their social skills at the moment? You could always have friends over to play and still engage with your kids with an activity you can all do together. After all, many people make life long friends at primary school, so it might be nice for them to have a shared history when they are older, but if you really don't want to then you shouldn't force yourself or them.

tripecity · 18/09/2013 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KellyElly · 18/09/2013 16:41

Do you think that they really gain any social skills which will be useful later in life? Yes, I think socialising with their friends in a home environment is completely different to socialising at school. It's one on one interaction where they have to learn to share their things and treat their friends as their guests. I found with my DD (3 nearly 4) that her and her friends interacted very differently with each other on play dates - learning to share her toys, not show off etc. Obviously they are developmental things as she won't be playing with toys in later life or acting up around her friends (hopefully Grin). I think children are more relaxed in their own space and for your older child they will enjoy having personal time in their room with their friends. I also think if you don't let them have friends over it will alienate them slightly as it is the 'norm'.

Akray · 18/09/2013 18:17

I wouldn't get too worried about play dates tbh. I have 5DC ~ 11, 8, 5, 3 and 6 months, they rarely have play dates. Life is so hectic there just never seems to be the time to organise them. We are all sociable, and tend to organise get togethers with friends during school holidays rather than after school, when we can spend the day doing something special. My DC never ask for friends home after school ~ they seem quite happy playing together ~ long may this last.........Grin

Oblomov · 18/09/2013 18:32

I think you are massively missing the point.

I do believe 'having a friend over' is very important.
Can't you stretch to one friend over per term. surely you can. Then, your son would be invited to thier's, once a term. Perfect.

Ds1's are occasional. he loves them. I collect the friend from the playground. Ds has him 'all to himself'. for hours. he can show his friend all his toys. They chat, chase eachother, pay on the trampoline. Have dinner.

And going to someone else's house is fab. How exciting. You get to see all their toys. Share time together, that you never get at school. When else, do you get 3 hrs of one-to-one friendship?
Normally, ds is well behaved, and eats like a trooper. the other parent comments on it, and says he can come again. makes me proud.

during this, ds2 ands I have had some one to one time.

How can all of this, be anything other than fab?

Bonsoir · 18/09/2013 18:37

Yes, I think it is incredibly important for DC to socialise at one another's homes, and not just at school and during extra-curricular activities or casually at the park. Playdates and sleepovers galore in our household!

SleepyFish · 18/09/2013 18:41

There must be loads of kids who don't get to experience play dates surely. Most people I know work full time so that kind of makes it impossible. It is nice for children and I try to do the odd one for ds (5) but don't feel too guilty OP, everyone leads busy lives.
They're at school and doing activities with other children so it's not like they're not getting to socialize.

jasminerose · 18/09/2013 18:43

I think playdates are important, and think its quite rare never to have your childrens friends round. I would try it as I will expect your children will love it.

SleepyFish · 18/09/2013 18:51

incredibly important? So now working mothers are depriving their children. Great, one more thing to feel guilty about. Oh well at least my child has food and a home. I'd say they were incredibly important. Having friends over is fun not the be all and end all.

jasminerose · 18/09/2013 18:52

Just because someome works doesnt mean they cant do playdates. If you get friendly with the parents then its informal and you can just go to whoevers house for a bit and let the kids play.

StuntGirl · 18/09/2013 18:55

I never ever had 'playdates' as a child. Neither did anyone I know. We grew up just fine!

jasminerose · 18/09/2013 18:58

I spent my whole childhood on sleepovers, and going in and out of my friends houses and whatever. Best memories ever and Im still very close to my best friend from when I was 4. You miss out on a lot imo if you dont have those close type of friendships when your young.

pianodoodle · 18/09/2013 19:01

I thought a play date was more for toddlers and when they get older they find their own friends at school so they take more of the lead in asking if they can have people over?

DD is only 2 she sees a couple of other friends from time to time and goes to play group once a week but nothing huge.

I do have the same concern that she spends a lot of time just with me but she seems happy and doesn't act strange when she does meet people so I think it's fine :)

whois · 18/09/2013 19:04

incredibly important? So now working mothers are depriving their children

Huh? Why does working mean your DC can't have play dates. No rule that they have to be during the week. Saturdays are good too, or a day in the holidays. Or if you have a nanny you can do them in the week.

Chip, shoulder?

Floggingmolly · 18/09/2013 19:04

I never understand the I work full time argument, tbh.
Surely someone looks after your children after school? Why does it have to be you that hosts the playdate?

fabergeegg · 18/09/2013 19:07

I'm never going to do sleepovers, ever. Not friends, not family. Kids can come here if they wish, that's fine. But most sexual abuse takes place with people you would never, ever think capable of it and usually by individuals who are known and trusted in the family.

It's just not worth it.

The only exception would be immediate family (so grandparents and cousins) but only at times when no other friends are staying over. I've set the rule and explained it, and it makes sense to everyone because it's a principle so not a personal thing. My DD doesn't have older boy cousins but if she did, I'd be rethinking cousins too.

DalmationDots · 18/09/2013 19:07

I see play dates as a sort of rite of passage of childhood, I have so many memories of the mischief, fun games and wonder of other peoples houses from when I was younger.

I also think it is quite rude not to return an invite and if I had one of DC's friends over I would hope in time they got invited back to their friend's house. I managed to have DC's friends over and balance it with work, it isn't that much hassle. I teach in a primary school and kids get so excited about going to others houses and discuss it a lot, it would be really sad if your DC missed out on this and grew up wondering why they never had anyone over.

It is also a learning experience, if you don't have others over then your DC may stop being invited elsewhere. You learn a lot from going to others houses and seeing how they live, you realise that life is different for everyone and everyone's parents have different rules etc.

I agree family time is important, but the occasional play date can be squeezed in too.

SleepyFish · 18/09/2013 19:08

No chip just no time. I'm a lone parent and get home from work at 6.30pm. IME no-one wants to do playdates at weekends as that's their 'family time'.

tanfastic · 18/09/2013 19:10

We rarely do play dates either op, by the time I get home from work, get tea on, do spellings, homework, bath and reading its time for bed.

Occasionally in the half term hols etc I will take one of his friends out for the day and then back to ours for a play and its reciprocated but we don't have them often. My son is very sociable and gets parties what seems like every other weekend so I'm really not concerned about his social skills. I wouldn't be too worried about it.

SleepyFish · 18/09/2013 19:15

Floggingmolly, my parents look after ds after school, they are elderly and can't cope with 2 excitable children so that's not an option either for me. My dad does however take him to his running club/swimming lessons/the park etc so he spends lots of time with other kids and often sees his cousins at weekends. I just can't do playdates unless I'm on holiday is all.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 18/09/2013 19:17

My 6 and 8 year olds arrange their own social lives and have friends over or go to friends almost every day. I can't get my head around not having this kind of to and fro and think the kids benefit enormously on all sorys of levels, from deeper friendships to seeing how other families live and knowing other sets of parents and siblings of various ages quite well. They do things at friends houses they wouldn't do at home, eat different things, it is firstly fun but also enriches theor lives.

Due to where we luve (abroad) most mums stay home, but DS has 2 good friends whose mum's work full time - they give Kindergarten permission for me to take their boys home with mine, and he goes to theirs less often but in more "high value" ways, such as on Saturday to a BBQ rather than just low key casual afternoon play.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 18/09/2013 19:18

*soory about countless mistakes! Phone typos and autocorrdct...

thebody · 18/09/2013 19:19

if you are British yrbvvvvu to use the term play dates!!!

it's coming round for tea. stop this vile Americanism!!Grin

CaptainSweatPants · 18/09/2013 19:21

My 2 have a friend round a couple of terms each term & once in the holidays
They love it & I love it when they're invited back Grin

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