to ask myself if I should do playdates after all?

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I have 3 children (8, 6 and 1 YO). The older two have a lot of after school activities and some homework to do. I work part-time and am very busy, so the children have play dates very rarely. I really like to spend time with the children myself when they don't have school/activities: we read, paint, play together.The older DC do seem to have good friends at school though, and play nicely together at home. Now I'm not very sociable an neither is my partner (nor are the 4 grandparents in fact). Am I raising a new generation of introverts? Should I make a bigger effort and invite DC's friends more often? In your experience, are playdates important at all for the children's development? Do you think that they really gain any social skills which will be useful later in life?

thebody I agree, although I was very unreasonable as I used it in my reply. It is just going to X's house after school for tea!!! My DC are grown up so I thought (in horror) that maybe the term had changed.

& they do talk about it at school

It's written on the board to remind the teacher in infants who is going home with who

Your kids will notice & they'll start to whinge

Dalmatian.

Fabargeegg!! we're your remarks actually serious?

Do your children ask if someone can come after school? If they do, do you just say no?

I hate the term playdate. DD just used to have a friend round for tea, or go to a friend for tea. As she is an only child and we don't have any family within 150 miles I feel it is extremely important that DD cultivates friendships.

OH and I are older parents. When the inevitable happens she will be on her own, and friends will be her only support network, so I encourage her to make as many friends as possible.

Well, we do have playdates but rarely (maybe once a month for each child, and then more during the holidays. When my children started school, we invited quite a few friends, but not all of them reciprocated the invitation (n fact, most of them didn't for my older child), which has put me off a bit.

I would do it if your children enjoy it. Why not? It's nice to get to know their friends, as well. Friendship is important at all ages.

it's coming round for tea. stop this vile Americanism!!

Is it wrong that I ask my adult friends round for tea? :-) Differentiates between a dinner party and just coming home with me after work for something to eat and a chat/watch TV.

Anyway, do people really fine you can't have your DCs friends over at the weekend as its 'family time'?

I used to go to friends houses and have friends back to mine quite a lot at the weekends. And sleepovers were a common occurrence, but not big ones, just one friend normally.

the body: Completely 100% serious. You want to see the figures for child abuse. There may be people I feel I can trust - but a look at the statistics suggest that a lot of children have been abused because a parent felt that wrongly. In addition, to start telling some people I have this principle for my family - and then others that they're an exception - would be precious and unreasonable beyond words.

Fabergeegg, you wouldnt include cousins really would you. My brothers children and my own have always spent time together and their childhood has been great fun.

fabergeeg, you won't protect your children by shutting the world out.

I don't know how old your children are but when my 4 became teens then its a regular occurrence and a really important get to get her time for the younger teens.

I totally get your fears, everyone does, but the best way to protect your children is to talk to them about it, empower them, obviously practical steps involve making sure you know where they are, drop them off, meet the parents, ensure the child has a mobile phone, have a code word that you both know that they can text you if all doesn't feel right or they want to come home.

your remark about boy cousins baffles me to be honest. my teen dds have grown up brothers who manage to keep their hands off their sisters friends!!!!!!!

you may be fine now telling friends no sleep overs but this will be much more difficult when your kids are older, you may cause them much unhappiness and friendships if you continue this stance and they will kick against this.

it's like parents banning sweets/tele. just makes it more attractive.

I understand the problems and risks. I suppose the fact that we have an open door policy in our own home has led me to think that our kids wouldn't be missing out on the experiences of hanging out with friends at all hours. There's shutting the world out, and then there's shaping a child's reality as an appropriate response to what's going on in the world on a daily basis.

Older boy cousins - I'm not for one moment saying abuse is likely to happen. Just that it has happened in the past and it could happen in any situation.

Don't you understand that the standard reaction to hear your child has been abused is shock? It's unexpected! Therefore our risk assessments may not be adequate.

I completely understand the value of sleepovers. However, sexual abuse is devastating to a child's development. It's happening much more frequently than we might like to suppose.

As a woman, I hope to help my daughter understand that the world is a gift and womanhood is a responsibility. The only men she can trust are close relatives. Everyone else has to earn it; the teenage years are about learning how to let the right people go about doing that.

I happen to think the risk/reward doesn't work out in favour of sleepovers. It's a minority viewpoint. I know we cannot hope to make the world completely safe for our children but I plan to give it my best shot :)

Childminders wouldn't want to host playdates.

Having said this, I do think 'playdates' are fairly important although when a child was older I'd expect them to take the lead with their social life.

I have a phobia of sleepovers. I went to a sleepover at 14 where another friend staying over (also 14) shagged the host parents oldest son (then 18). There were 4 of us all bunking down together in their playroom. We were sort of dimly aware of it happening, but half asleep. It was weird and wrong and the two sets of parents massively fell out over it. I think it'll take me a while to get comfortable with sleepovers, but my DDs are still toddlers, so I have time

Play dates were always great. I went to a very mixed school and (without wishing to sound like a crashing social snob) it was a real eye opener to go round to friends' houses and see what their families, meals and bedrooms were like - and i mean those much better off and much worse off than my family was. It taught me how different everyone is and to appreciate what goes on under the surface. School's a very homogenous place.

We only do 1 or 2 playing dates during term time, as busy with hobbies, homework, music practice. But during half term and longer holidays, we try to invite the key friends over to play.

I make a point of this for a few reasons:

1. my girls love it
2. when they are older, I want my girls to think that home is a place they can bring their friends
3. It exposes the children to a different social situation. Playing with your friend(s) for several hours is completely different than playing with your siblings. Or for playing with your friends for half an hour during break at school.

DD1 (11) had her friend here for the day last Saturday. DD2 was out for the day with one of her friends. DD1 and her friend had the best time just hanging out together. For girls I think it is quite important, especially from the age of 10 upwards.

We do very few sleepovers. And never during term time. I'm expecting that will change somewhat when DD1 goes to secondary school.

Exactly, handmini. Why would we want to let our precious teenagers make crucial decisions - such as whether or not to shag their friend's big brother - when they are sleep deprived, in someone else's home, and crucially, still children? Or have to witness someone else making a poor decision? That kind of story is so common.

But then I'm not the kind of parent who would be letting boyfriends stay over with an 'at least it's happening where I know they're safe' mentality.

I think it's unreasonable to make a blanket rule of no friends to play, or going over to play. (cant do the word playdate)

Every child is individual, and every term can be different in terms of who's socialising with who.

I have 3 DDs. Teens now. DD1 had 1 good friend all through primary and all through secondary, who came for tea and sleepovers when they were young and who became, and has remained, such a good family friend that she was invited to my (very small) wedding last year :)

DD2 never really had many friends over to play/sleep. She just wasnt into it. Plenty of firm friends through both schools none the less.

DD3 had an awful time with friends in primary. Her year seeme full of prima-donners. Constantly falling out and making up. A scattering of invites out, no one special enough to ask over. Now in secondary she has a firm friend (at last ) who does come over and has slept a couple of times. They have just been away on an activity holiday together, at 15, which was lovely.

All 3 DDs have grown up normal, social girls who have no problems making new friends at college, clubs etc;, despite being quite different socially at school.

I think IF your child has a special enough friend to invite/be invited by then it's nice to nurture that friendship.

hand, what you are talking about is a crime. the girls parents should have reported the adult 18 year old to the police.

fabergee, this is not commen at sleepovers in my experience or any of my kids friends experience. they bed down with pillows, sleeping bags, DVDs, pizza and of course mobile phones.

my older lads and my dh avoided the room like the plague. I would be very if an adult male was hanging around the girls and I know mine would tell me if this was the case.

I am a 70s kid who had the old school bus driver put his hands down our pants as we waited to get off the bus so know exactly how invidious and dangerous these people are

my mother didn't believe me. still doesn't think it was wicked just inappropriate and a joke!!!!

. my dds know about this and have been empowered from a young age to protect themselves and never hide secrets.

my own dd was very badly injured on a school trip. terrible things happen even in the best of plans.

that doesn't mean we wrap our dds up in cotton wool. sleepovers are generally a bit of fun. like most school trips!!

I think good social skills are very important, you say that you and your DH (and grandparents) are not particularly sociable - well, that might not be a problem now but I do voluntary work in the community and the number of isolated people is really quite staggering. Many of them are older people who perhaps have been married for a long time and never seen the 'need' to socialise with anyone else or join a club etc. They find themselves widowed and suddenly life can be very, very tough.

Obviously this is a massive over-generalisation in the context of this thread but yes, I do think 'playdates' and learning to mix with other children, and their families, is an essential skill.

Yes, very important in my view. Kids need to socialise together in an informal way, especially if they don't play out. Playdates provide e an easy way of getting to know other parents and enable kids to see life beyond their own families.

Playdates are terrific. You invite said child home. You leave child, and your own offspring, to have a whale of a time while you get on with meeting a deadline. You emerge and feed all children pasta with tomato sauce and a choc-ice. Child goes off smudged and happy. Child's parents gratefully reciprocate the following week.

Win-win, innit.

Yes, MI. This weekend DP is taking DSS1 to university, DSS2 is going to his mother's and DD is having her best friend over for 24 hours.

And I shall be undisturbed! Fully planning to go out for burgers and sushi in lieu of catering at home...

Bonsoir sounds lovely. just add and [ cake]