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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel envious that friends' mothers always seem to be on hand?

67 replies

MyPantsAreGreen · 17/09/2013 21:14

First time poster so not fully au fait with Mumsnet rituals. I have 3 DCs, one just started reception, one at nursery and a baby. Life is busy getting used to school routine, and the demands of a baby and I seem to be constantly running around organising, shopping, cooking, back and forth to school and nursery, swimming lessons etc. Husband is as supportive as he can be but has pressured job, works long hours etc.

Had a bad today as everyone does but my feelings were exacerbated because every other mum I spoke to today seemed to have her own mum at her beck and call to help with general duties and these women were STILL MOANING about stuff. My mum died when I was a teenager and I still think of her every day without fail.

Others who have experienced this loss will know that you feel it most acutely when you have your own children but I felt so upset today because I spend most of the day doing everything myself with no help, putting everyone else first and the thought of all these other mums with their own mothers on hand to help with practical stuff but also to provide their daughters with emotional support and kindness just made me feel livid. I felt angry that some people just never really have to grow up and be truly self reliant like I have had to be.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 17/09/2013 21:17

I'm sorry you lost your mother.

My mother lives in America. I don't have her at my beck and call. Hell, even if she lived down the street she wouldn't be at my beck and call as she has her own, very full life.

Where is your partner in all of this?

Blissx · 17/09/2013 21:19

I hear you OP, same situation for me too. But it is not their fault and they shouldn't have to apologise for it. Feel free to sound out on here, but I think you know you are BU. doesn't make it any easier though does it? Have a glass of

everlong · 17/09/2013 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

persimmon · 17/09/2013 21:25

I'm sorry you lost your mum.

My mum lives 80 miles away and is disabled, so as much as she adores DS, I've never had any practical help really. It is a bit of a choker when I realise how much most of my peers rely on their mums.

Somerset8 · 17/09/2013 21:30

I feel the same op. I know one mum whose parents have dc once a week so she can have a night out. She also goes on holiday without dc and provides day to day childcare.
My mum didn't even get to meet my youngest and mil lives far away.
I know its wrong to feel this way but you can't help it sometime.

Larrygogan · 17/09/2013 21:34

I'm sorry for your loss. Like the other poster, my parents live in another country, and while I don't resent this (I chose to live abroad, after all), I do find myself gobsmacked by the family across the road. (I work at home and my study looks out at their front door.) Nice working couple with three school-aged children, with FOUR grandparents who spend large amounts of time there on a daily basis, mowing the grass, doing laundry, walking the dog, taking the children to and from school and after school activities etc etc. it freaks me out slightly, to be honest! I think I would be uncomfortable depending to that extent on parents...

GetYourSocksOff · 17/09/2013 21:34

Sorry about your mum :(

My relationship with my mum is not great and so I don't have anyone around to help either. I've often felt that sense of jealousy, I wish I had someone who'd come around and take care of me sometimes or just give me a hand.

MurderOfGoths · 17/09/2013 21:37

Mum died 3 weeks before DS was born, there is absolutely nothing like the pain felt when you see other mums with their mums. It's hard.

AnneElliott · 17/09/2013 21:40

I don't get on with my mum and so I know what you mean about seeing other people and their mums. Especially shopping, I see loads of mums and daughters and that will never be me.

Sorry you lost your mum at such a young age.

Minshu · 17/09/2013 21:41

One of my colleagues once told me I was lucky that my Mum wasn't around to interfere

She based this on how badly her mother treated her as a child, but guess who she entrusted her 3 yo DS to a day or two a week...

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/09/2013 21:41

Be proud that you are doing it all yourself, focus on the positives not the negatives.

Some grandparents willingly help out, others do it out of fear they wont get to see their grandchildren if DIL decides she isnt helping out enough etc.

Some grans i know are totally shattered from being expected to provide childcare on tap and i wouldnt put that strain on anybody.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 17/09/2013 21:42

Jesus Minshu

spritesoright · 17/09/2013 21:43

I know how you feel. I have friends whose mothers care for DC one or two days a week, every week! My mother lives in the US and has visited once to see DD. MIL has babysat once in 2 years.
I was deathly ill once when DH was away and I called her in tears asking her to come and help me with DD. She said she couldn't because she had to work the next day and suggested I stick a bottle of water in DD's cot (she was about 5 months old).
Luckily I have good friends who have helped out and I find you have to make friends your family.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 17/09/2013 21:52

My mum died before I had dd1. Luckily we had my fantastic DMil who adored her gc and they adored her. Then she became ill and died last year. I see grandparents everywhere, enjoying their gc and helping out and I always feel a bit sad and envious. I can't help it. I miss them both.

olgaga · 17/09/2013 21:54

Yes it's hard not to feel that way, especially when you have the added sadness of "if only...".

Raising young children can be so isolating when you have no support. I did eventually find school mum friends in a similar situation, with no family or having moved far away from their family and friends, so give it time.

You might try posting on MN Local?

Original poster

MyPantsAreGreen · 17/09/2013 21:58

Wow as a newbie I am shocked at how quick the responses have been! HappyMummyOfOne - I totally do focus on the positives most of the time and feel very proud that I have come this far in the whole motherhood thing on my own (hubby providing biological and financial help of course!). However waiting for swimming lesson for my eldest to finish with a 3 year old talking jibberish and baby screaming at the poolside while sitting next to another mum with her own mother beside her to mind her baby while she waved happily to her eldest also in the pool just broke me. Thanks all.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 17/09/2013 21:58

sorry you lost your mum.

it is tough. it is more tough when you are forced to hear about other's whose mum helps out as it seems to emphasise your loss.

i found it paarticularly difficult hearing about another mums husband doing this, that and the other so she could go away for a week when I had just ran away in fear of my life left mine and been ill and done synchrionised vomiting with dd. (different relaative, same feeling)

it really isn't that everyone has a mum to help, just that a few who do are so noticable for you. many have mums who are too old, too far away, need care themselves, ones that don't care, ones who were abusive, as well as ones who have sadly died.

greenbananas · 17/09/2013 21:59

So sorry about you not having your mum around.

My mum died a year before ds1 was born, five years ago. I miss her every day, and I know she would have adored him and been such a help to me. However, it hasn't been a bad thing to stand on my own two feet. I often think she would have been proud of the way I am coping. .. and occasionally I also wonder if I would be coping quite so well if she was there to deal with things all the time!

Sometimes I even wonder how I would have dealt with disagreeing with her over parenting issues. ..if she would have felt criticised if I didn't take her advice. She was a lovely woman, and a talented headteacher - it would have been very difficult to follow what I believed to be right in the face of her expert advice.

So sad you are feeling like this. But lots of women throughout the years have coped without their mothers.You need some support around you - but this doesn't necessarily have to be from your mum x

crescentmoon · 17/09/2013 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ukatlast · 18/09/2013 01:00

I'm sorry you lost your mother at such a young age but having been expatriated for my OH's job when my kids were still quite young, I was in a similar position myself.
There are downsides to relatives being closely involved with your life on a daily basis but not many when you are without them 100% time.

Even now we are back in UK, all relatives are some distance away..I would prefer this not to be so but you go where the work is.

If your OH is doing what he can, when he is there, then except for maybe getting a cleaner to release you from the pressure with all the other things, there is not much more you can do than count the positives in having 3 cute kids for whom you are undoubtedly the centre of their worlds.
It will get better of course...as they grow.

NoComet · 18/09/2013 01:13

I frequently bit my tongue at people not appreciating how lucky they are to have family to provide child care and evening baby-siting.

My DM is disabled and lives 80 miles away, as does DSIS.

My lovely DMIL died while I was expecting DD2.

sweetiepie1979 · 18/09/2013 03:39

Oh God it's awful sometimes isn't it I feel Torontonians completely understand. Your doing a great job though be good to yourself. Xxx

claraschu · 18/09/2013 03:58

All of the grandparents are dead now, and they never were well enough to help out. I think what I miss most is having other people who care about my children. I have no one to share pride in a performance, or a string of A*s, no one who is concerned about the small day to day worries and triumphs of growing children. It is lonely.

MrsMook · 18/09/2013 04:04

I was musing over this at swimming as I seem to be the only person who took their toddler for lessons until the end of pregnancy without the support of a grandparent. Which was interesting while using crutches to get to the pool side. I'm guessing the GP helps with the changing and bag carrying, as they are not helping in the pool itself.

We have no family support. DH's mum is in another country and in her 80s so we see her a couple of times a year. My relationship with my mother is interesting, she's a couple of hundred miles away and works full time. My nearest relative in more ways than one is my GM who is 50 miles away and physically limited in what she can do. There is that emotional support, even though her experience of child-raising is very different to the way I do it today, and she is rather bamboozled by it. It's not the same, but my "dad" died when I was a child, so I can connect with some of that loss, and miss the fact that he's not physically here to share and appreciate my CD, but I know it's not quite the same loss as a mother.

You are being a little unreasonable, but then grief does that which is a reasonable emotional response

Longdistance · 18/09/2013 04:22

I'm sorry you lost your mother so young op.

I've been coping on my own with dd's since the smallest was 3mo. We left the Uk to emigrate to Oz. it's like a juggling act sometimes, especially when your oh works long hours, and it can be quite lonely at times.

Although I haven't lost my mother, we are moving back to the Uk next month, and will have her to help then. I never moan if she helps, I really appreciate it, and always have done.

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