AIBU to feel envious that friends' mothers always seem to be on hand?

[MyPantsAreGreen]

First time poster so not fully au fait with Mumsnet rituals. I have 3 DCs, one just started reception, one at nursery and a baby. Life is busy getting used to school routine, and the demands of a baby and I seem to be constantly running around organising, shopping, cooking, back and forth to school and nursery, swimming lessons etc. Husband is as supportive as he can be but has pressured job, works long hours etc.

Had a bad today as everyone does but my feelings were exacerbated because every other mum I spoke to today seemed to have her own mum at her beck and call to help with general duties and these women were STILL MOANING about stuff. My mum died when I was a teenager and I still think of her every day without fail.

Others who have experienced this loss will know that you feel it most acutely when you have your own children but I felt so upset today because I spend most of the day doing everything myself with no help, putting everyone else first and the thought of all these other mums with their own mothers on hand to help with practical stuff but also to provide their daughters with emotional support and kindness just made me feel livid. I felt angry that some people just never really have to grow up and be truly self reliant like I have had to be.

I don't usually post but this really struck a chord with me. I am sorry that you lost your mum.

My mum was here when DS1 was born but became really ill when he was 9 months old and died when he was 15 months. She never got to meet DS2 and I think about that every day, she would have really loved him and would have loved the person that DS1 is growing up to be.

It is really hard not to feel envious. I even feel envious of my DSIS as her children were 15,12 and 4 when DM died and I always think that at least her children got to know her and DSIS had support when her children were very young. I totally agree with Clarasshu that what is missing is having other perople who care about your children. My DM lived for her grandchildren and would have loved them as much as I do.

I found two books, Motherless daughters and motherless mothers by Hope Edelman helpful and also the bereavement threads on MNet when I was feeling particularly low.

There will be days when it does seem exceptionally hard, that's the nature of grieving. You are doing a great job with your DC.

Sorry you lost your Mum- that's really hard. We lived abroad when children were small, so no help from family. Also my DM unwell, so couldn't have asked anyway really. But really hard for you to miss your Mum so acutely. Don't know how to do flowers icon, otherwise I would.

YANBU

dad died when I was 12. He'd have loved his grandsons.

Mother... lives a 3 and a half hour drive away, has seen the eldest four times (2 of those were when my grandmother died) and the youngest is now 10 months old and she hasn't bothered to see him.
I found out she'd moved house when her landline phone was cut off. My brother texted me to give me her new phone number (nearly 2 years later, only just installed) but when I asked if she'd told him to give it to me the answer was no.

my fiance doesn't know his parents, we did have brief contact with his father but it didn't work out well. So no inlaws for me.

I felt the need for grandparents for my boys so much that I "borrowed" my housemate/best friend's parents and luckily for me, "nan" and "grandad" love my boys.

So sorry you lost your mum!

It is tough without support, my own mum is a bit rubbish and lives quite a long way from me. My DPs parents are elderly and not in the best of health but would be good if they were closer to us (or we were closer to them). We have managed by having a good supportive network of friends, we all help each other out. Sometimes it seems we are helping more and other times it is the other way round.

I'm so sorry about your mum, I don't think yabu to feel her absence so acutely

My parents are still around but totally uninterested in helping out at all. They have babysat once since DS was born (he's 3). And when I asked my dad to give me a lift to hospital because I was very ill (and dh needed to look after ds) my dad whinged and moaned about it. That's all the help I have had in 3 years

My parents in law live 100s of miles away, we went to visit this weekend, we didn't ask them to babysit/give us a break as we knew mil was ill. But then bil dropped off his daughter for them to look after, and so as mil was ill we ended up looking after our neice as well. Bloody cheeky when bil has both sets of grandparents on hand for regular babysitting! But I have come to the conclusion that people who have regular willing help do just take it for granted and don't realise what it is like for others.

It does get easier. I was in almost exactly your situation, MIL never got to see grandchildren, other grandparentsIin their 80s, live a long way away and needing us to help them rather than vice versa. It was particularly hard hearing someone criticising another parent for asking for help when her own grandparents were picking up a few days a week.

You need to find other people who are in a similar situation and willing to trade babysitting/ alternate trips to swimming lessons etc. To be honest for swimming I would see if I could transfer to the weekend and dh take her - if only for this year. Babies, toddlers and poolsides don't mix well in my experience.

How long until your other dc starts school - that really helps, then you just have 2 trips a day and looking after one compared to three is a doddle. Try to get out when the toddler is around - they can't make the house messier when they aren't in it, and if you can afford to then get a cleaner (wish I had). Look into whether your school has a walking bus - dd1 started on that in reception and although it did mean that some mornings I took lots of children to school - they were all older than mine so were a help. Another morning then someone else would whisk dd1 off so didn't need to go so far. If I was ill or it was snowing and pushchair couldn't get through then I could send her an extra day on the bus. Also met people who didn't have grandparents to ask for every favour.

For emotional support then come here! You're brave in AIBU for your first post, but check out some of the other boards too for everything from advice on primary school to behaviour, relationships to Christmas. Not the same as someone in RL but at least they'll never know if you follow their advice or not (do I get my commission now MNHQ?)

For homework don't beat yourself up if you can't do as much as other parents in terms of reading etc - the school were understanding, they do catch up, now my youngest is getting ready for school next September I can begin to think about helping out listening to reading in school etc so it does all come full circle.

Take each day as it comes, some days it will feel as if all you will achieve is to keep the children alive and fed, but it is a short time in their lives, give it two years and you'll be amazed at the difference (it gets easier before that as the baby becomes less and less dependant). Hope you have a good day today - do something for yourself today while the middle one is at nursery - even if just sitting down with MN and a cup of tea if the baby is asleep.

claraschu has hit the nail on the head for me...."I think what I miss most is having other people who care about my children. I have no one to share pride in a performance, or a string of A*s, no one who is concerned about the small day to day worries and triumphs of growing children. It is lonely."

it's not just the physical support, it's the having someone who knows you well enough to read between the lines, or to simply 'mother' you when you really need it......

Sending you a hug mypants hope today is a better day for you x

For me it has never been the practical help as Mum was never well enough to do much of that. It's the funny little things they do and say that no one else really appreciates. I still find myself thinking "I must tell mum that".

YANBU. My mother died three weeks before my twin dds were born. There is so much more to it than just grieving your own loss; every day I am reminded that my daughters never got to have, and never will have, that sort of special relationship that others seem to sometimes for granted.

I'm struggling with it particularly at the moment because our closest friends are having their first child, and their family are so involved, and it feels like my face is really being rubbed in it every time I speak to them. Which it totally isn't, but it still feels like it.

It's really hard. And there is absolutely nothing to be done about it, other than suck it up and carry on. I suppose we're supposed to feel thankful that others haven't had to suffer the losses we have, but I'm really not that saintly.

YANBU. Despite living a long watt away my mum used to travel up every week to look after DS while I worked two days. Then she got cancer and she died last year. I miss her dreadfully, it's not really about the practical stuff so much, although that helped loads and although my Dad visits he's hopeless at it! It's having her there at the end of the phone. I haven't come to terms with it, I'm not sure I ever will.

jinty I think of things every day that I must tell Mum, just for that split second I forget she's gone. Yesterday I had really good reports from DS's worker at pre school, she would have loved to hear how well he's doing now.

CelticPromise I have even got as far as picking up the phone.

Aw jinty When did you lose your Mum? I have no comforting words I'm afraid, it's still too close for me and I'm having a hard time right now. A friend of mine who is further on from the death of her adored father tells me it gets easier, even though at the time you feel it never will.

I'm sorry for all those who have lost their mums

I live a long way from my parents, and even though they are involved and love spending time with them, (my dad taught dd2 how to sail on holiday this summer) I have never had practical support day to day. They are the same with my sister's kids, who live closer than me, but still not popping in distance.

My kids are older now (teens) , but I remember one time when, exactly like the OP I had one at school, one at nursery and a baby, I felt so ill (Turned out I had bronchitis by the time I dragged myslef to the drs), I was just desparate to lie down and sleep- dh was overseas. I was stood next to a mum at school who was complaining her mum was "so selfish" for going out to lunch with her over 60s club when she wanted her to have the kids so she could get to the shops.

MIL was much closer but would never come over and help- everything had to be on her terms. She babysits for SILs kids all the time though ( I think its a mother/daughter thing)

I am so lucky I can pick up the phone to my mum though, my heart goes out to you who can't.

Chimchar hit the nail on the head for me - someone to 'mother' you when you need it.

My DPs live in Aus and DH's family are in Ireland and no support here apart from the CM! When DD was 6 months old my DP came over and I hadn't realised just how much I was 'just hanging' on until their visit. The difference in having someone who cared how I was doing was unbelievable. When they left 3 weeks later my DH was really worried I'd be a mess but I felt completely re-charged by their visit.

That's not to say DH isn't great as he really truly is, but he's just as besotted with DD as I am and I guess even with him I'm down the pecking order!

You sound as though you're a strong person, just having a down day which happens and it's great that you're looking for support (on MN). I admire you having 3 - we would love another one but life has got so much easier now with DD that it's tough to contemplate going back. I do say to DH though if we were back in Aus with support I would have another tomorrow...

Both my parents died a few months after my first dc was born and I never had a mil as she died when dh was a child. So my dc have never known any grandparents.

My mum is only an hour away but isn't able as she cares for her elderly parents as well as other things. I do feel very jealous of those who have their mums around to help, but at the same time I do feel a sense of pride that I am able to do it all by myself when other women seem incapable of it!

I'm so sorry you lost your mum, you must really miss her. I'm sure though that she's be really proud of the way you are coping and bringing up your children so well with limited support! Even on a really bad day I'm sure you are doing brilliantly.

I am so sorry about your mum.

YANBU, my mum lives in the same village as me and it is wonderful in everyway. She always worked, so couldn't do childcare when they were little but could help out and give advice, which was invaluable.

Now they are older they can pop up to grannies after school if we are working later & help her out watering her hanging baskets when she goes away. It is priceless and I do value it & know how lucky we are.

Dd has never known grandparents either. It's hard on your own, and isolating. It will hopefully get better when you start to meet other parents, for moral support as much asaanything else.

I hope those with family support realise how lucky they are. I feel more for dd, though, who has hardly anyone to be interested I her.

Wow Mumsnet is a powerful force! Feeling much better today (probably because I don't have swimming again for another week!). Thank you to all for sharing. In a way my mum is still here because I talk about her with my girls nearly every day even 20 years on. X

Same here. Chin up - it does get easier as they get older. It sounds as if you are doing a great job but having a low day. They are all so dependent on you in the early days but soon they will be grown up and you will look back on this day with fondness (especially when they get "the attitude" and start answering back!).

My lovely aunt often says "There is no better necklace than a toddler's arms around your neck". (Even if they are usually sticky !) Take care!

Both DH's and my parents live in another country so we get little day to day help. What drives me crazy is that DH's brother and sister live close to his parents and they babysit and drive the kids around and just generally help out and BIL and especially SIL are So ungrateful. They don't realize how lucky they are.

I'm sorry about your mum op :(

I do think it's worth remembering though there are lots of other people who also don't have any support.

You're not alone. People just don't talk about it so much.

I am a mum of 2. My dd is 10 and ds is 15 months.

I have no contact with my mum due to her alcoholism and other issues. I have absolutely no other family and I am an only child.

My dh is in a very similar position and we don't speak to any of his family.

It is just us and the kids. That is it.

Also childcare in our area is truly awful, all kinds. So we just struggle on on our own.

I do know how you feel. I don't begrudge anyone any help at all. I just wish I had some!

YANBU to have a bad day. Big hugs, and for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree completely that some people effectively exploit their parents ruthlessly and often without any thought that their parent(s) have lives rather than being an oncall 24/7 childcare service. Personally, I would class it as a form of elder abuse; that for some their own parents are only there to be 'used' for what they can offer.

I have a cousin who basically dumps her kids on her own parents all the time - apparently it's ok because my cousin will do a food shop for her parents every couple of months which makes it all ok then (childcare is soooo expensive, it suits her so much more to work the strange hours she decides for herself, and her parents aren't doing anything anyway (They get no chance to!), etc Her DH then goes on rants about not wanting his PIL to do x, y z with the kids - try looking after them yourself then! D'oh.)

As for t'other side of the family.... My DD and her cousins here do not get the full benefit of Granny; my MIL never babysits for anyone as she is monopolised by one of her daughters for childcare. The kids are now at primary school, but MIL is still wrecked from childrearing in her late 70s. MIL is in urgent need of a hip transplant which is scheduled for next week. Even though MIL will need minding herself when post-op, SIL seems oblivious that she's going to have to cop on and step up and sort out her own childcare. (Oh, and SIL is currently on holiday without her DC. In the States. As you do when you have school age DC.

Sorry, vv long. But you are doing a brilliant job. Hang on in there.

I can so relate to this.

I once burst into tears in the John Lewis baby department as all the other pregnant women were with their proud-looking mothers and I was trailing round by myself.

I agree that people take for granted what they are used to. My great niece weekly boards with my sister as her parents are too tired during the week to look after her. My parents looked after my sister's children full time and her incontinent dog. None of these people were in the least appreciative. Only moaned.

And I agree that now what makes me sad, now that I don't need childcare any more, is that no one is interested in the dcs. You have to realise that the only people who truly want to share in your dc's triumphs, small or large, are parents and grandparents.