AIBU to feel envious that friends' mothers always seem to be on hand?

[MyPantsAreGreen]

First time poster so not fully au fait with Mumsnet rituals. I have 3 DCs, one just started reception, one at nursery and a baby. Life is busy getting used to school routine, and the demands of a baby and I seem to be constantly running around organising, shopping, cooking, back and forth to school and nursery, swimming lessons etc. Husband is as supportive as he can be but has pressured job, works long hours etc.

Had a bad today as everyone does but my feelings were exacerbated because every other mum I spoke to today seemed to have her own mum at her beck and call to help with general duties and these women were STILL MOANING about stuff. My mum died when I was a teenager and I still think of her every day without fail.

Others who have experienced this loss will know that you feel it most acutely when you have your own children but I felt so upset today because I spend most of the day doing everything myself with no help, putting everyone else first and the thought of all these other mums with their own mothers on hand to help with practical stuff but also to provide their daughters with emotional support and kindness just made me feel livid. I felt angry that some people just never really have to grow up and be truly self reliant like I have had to be.

Both my siblings live very close to my parents and get a lot of help from my mum who is absolutely fantastic with children, particularly at the baby/toddler stage. I live a 5 hour journey away so see much less of them (although to be fair they do help out, eg if I know enough in advance that I am going to struggle with childcare a particular week, or want to have a (very rare) weekend away with DH, they (or my mum) will come and stay which is great. I am though sometimes envious of my siblings who can call up for regular babysitting and when they are feeling a bit under the weather etc. My sister is now also starting to rely on her for more regular babysitting (eg she is self employed and DNs go to nursery 3 days a week. Initially she would organise her work to make sure she was only working on nursery days but now will take on bookings for other day with my mum looking after DNs).
However, having just been on hols with my parents and my sister and her kids, I did see the other side of it. Becuase my parents know my nephews so well from the regular childcare, my mum will often take over a bit and will criticise my sister at times or will do things differently to how my sister woudl do them. Becuase my sister relies on them, she tends to just put up with it in a way that I could not.

Clearly, however, this is just a small downside in the scheme of things and obviously my position of living some distance from my parents is very different from having lost them.

Another factor is where you live. I'm sure in London, for example, there are many other people who are not getting masses of parental help.

If you live in the sticks people often have their mum round the corner, brother three streets away, gran in sheltered accommodation nearby..Uncle Tom Cobley & all in fact.

Actually also I remember my ill-fated attempt to suggest a baby-sitting circle at playgroup. One woman looked at me incredulously and asked, "Why don't you ask your parents?" "Well, I'd have to have a seance," I replied.

Comment about a seance really made me LOL !

Another factor is where you live. I'm sure in London, for example, there are many other people who are not getting masses of parental help

I had a very supportive friend network first place we lived - baby sitting circles were common and reciprocal favors a given. Most people there were a long way from family.

We had to move for DH work with toddler and baby. The population here is more static and less friendly. DH had longer commute and longer hours on top. Ironically closer to my family who dote on DN and have no time for my DC.

People here have so much family support and they do take it for granted and moan insistently rather than being grateful. They aren't interested or understanding of differing circumstances and more annoying HCP aren't either which has been a huge issue at times.

I did swimming at weekends but still have more than enough times when I ended up by myself having to take baby, toddler and older one in pool and it is very hard work.

Worse was all the time my DC couldn't do something because of the age range or having 3 DC meaning I needed another adult before we could do the thing. I felt I was letting them down by being unable to produce another adult.

There are older now and it is so much easier - they can entertain them selves during each others lessons - and it only a few years on.

Definitely YANBU.

My mum was diagnosed with cancer when I was pregnant with DD, she died 5 days before DD's 1st birthday. She was my best friend and soulmate. I miss her more than words can say. She adored DD, I probably wouldn't have seen much of DD as mum would be spending all her time with her!

I had to have an operation this week and when I woke up in recovery I was crying for my mum.

I don't want anymore children. I say my awful pregnancy/labour/EMCS and postnatal depression are the reasons why. But they aren't the only reasons. I couldn't bear having another baby without my mum being with me.

My DH is wonderful of course and shares my besotted ness with DD. But bringing up my daughter without my mum is so lonely.

"I still find myself thinking "I must tell mum that"."

Oh yes :(

Hate waking up from a dream where she's alive, and being reminded all over again.

If you live anywhere her me, OP, I'd be happy to meet up for a coffee and a chat! And to hold the baby while you go swimming.

My dad died when DS was a baby. Three years later, when DS was 3.5 and DD was 1.5, my mum died.

In the short time that they were grandparents, my parents were fantastic, devoted, active, doting and supportive. I miss them every single day, and sometimes (when particularly hormonal, like today!) I am filled with rage at the unfairness of it all. I once almost cut a good friend out of my life completely after she dared to moan how difficult it was to find childcare when her DD had tonsillitis (at the time there were 4 healthy, active, physically able and willing grandparents all living within a quarter of a mile of her house; she has never paid a penny for childcare or babysitting due to all the grandparents doing everything, including her washing, ironing etc). I'm afraid I actually hissed at her before fleeing in tears . Not her fault at all, but people see things differently and I guess we take things for granted ....

Anyway, I am much more independent, capable and less reliant on other people now BUT I miss being someone's daughter so much that it's like a physical ache sometimes.

I'm so sorry for everyone on this thread who has lost a much-loved parent (and for those who say that living abroad is similar: I know that you mean well but no, it isn't really. You may not have the practical day-to-day support, but you can still phone/email/Skype your mum whenever you like. It's this emotional support which is far more valuable IMO).

MutantAndProud: get well soon

Sorry don't have time to read the whole thread, I'm meant to be unpacking as we recently moved house. Instead of doing it properly I'm having to do a botch job as the IL's have invited themselves to stay and DP says we can't refuse DP should man up . Boxes are stacked 4 high in the dining room and I can't see the bed they are meant to be sleeping in. I know they won't lift a finger to help.
We live hours away from both sets of parents, so no help here ether. To be honest I'm quite glad of it. I see MIL looking after here other GC and am very glad I don't have to keep her happy, she has some very old fashioned/damaging/dangerous/just plain odd ideas. If she tries to force any of them I can do as I please and ignore her. But also she's not up to it, she ends up barely looking after 2 small children and her sick husband. BIL takes the piss and dumps the kids every time they are inconvenient. This M/FIL even went on holiday with them and came back saying how the resort was 'for young familes' and how it really wasn't for them. I bet they go again next year. I'd hate to think I was doing that to somebodies retirement, she won't tell them, just moans to us and who knows who else.
My Sister is due her first soon. My Dad is in the early stages of the same illness as FIL. Mum's already taken it quite hard that when she does retire her dreams are already shatered due to Dad's illness. My sister has medical conditions and is a total hypochondriac as well. Between the real and the imagined they are really going to find this hard. I belive my Sis has already asked for future childcare. Mum's just not going to cope.
It would be lovely to have help when things are really tough, but we get though. Weighing it up though I'm happy to keep the GP's as GP's not childcare.

Weighing it up though I'm happy to keep the GP's as GP's not childcare.

I'm not sure it just childcare people here are talking about.

The occasional helping hand is nice and even a small amount can make a massive difference to how hard things end up feeling and being.

It's emotional support or the interest in the DC - I think it's more when your struggling that you feel that missing.

Though I don't doubt that family support comes with catches - that what you hear in all the moaning people who have loads do- I guesses people never talk about the benefits as much.

I understand what you're saying, but if any of the GP's were close enough for occasional helping hand they would be close enough to help with childcare as well. Then it would have been possible to return to work and the temptation to use them as childcare.
The catches are on both sides. I feel sorry for the IL's, I feel as though they are being used, I would also hate to have to put up with shit off them because we couldn't aford not to.
I guess I'm lucky though as I can pick up the phone and talk to them if they would just answer the phone .

Well hopefully if we all get to live long and healthy lives and the world doesn't end, we can be there for our own adult children and grandchildren to provide them with the kindness and practical help that we didn't have ourselves. I do day dream about that quite a lot already and my eldest is only 5!

I know the feeling, as my mum died about ten years ago and I would have loved for her to have been around now.

But, what was not to be, was not to be....

In the meantime, I have made the most of my relationship with my MIL (which I would never have forseen before the birth of DS). She is at home with him right now and I hope they are having a fabulous time!

I also think that you can probably find a 'grandparent' figure somewhere in your local community. Have you thought of looking for a retired person for babysitting? I used a retired nursery worker for babysitting and she was excellent.

CelticPromise I lost her 14 months ago. It seems so long since I saw her and yet like only yesterday. Ds3 speaks about her all the time. The older boys never mention her - but that's teenagers, I know they miss her too.

OP I'm glad you are feeling better today. It will get much easier as they get a little bit older. Don't try to do too much!

It is hard...my mum died when I was 22 , over 30 years ago.
My dad died 12 years ago.

Sadly I did not have a good relationship with my mum, so miss having a "mum" but not necessarily MY mum iyswim.

MIL was a nightmare.

However we have managed...we used local people for babysitters and friends when the children were small. Friends are my lifesavers.

I am also in the same situation. However I never have and never could compare myself to other people. Lots of times, people have moaned that they have help but just not at the specific times they want it because their parents work and so on.

Every one is different, every one has different lives and problems.

Most people have not lost a loved mother very young, we are the odd ones out. Sadly we cannot expect people to fully understand the implications and loss, they just cant grasp it.

I have friends who have amazing families and wonderful support, and yet they are so lonely because they want a partner.

My Mum lost her own mother as a teenager and ended up doing everything for me and my siblings when we were kids (although my Dad was around). She often felt anger and resentment at her friends who had their own mothers to help out. So I guess she felt the same as you do. I'm sorry- that's not much help!

The only thing that she has done, is to go on and try her best to help out with her grandkids and make sure that her own kids don't have to struggle single handedly (albeit with supportive partners) like she did.

this

"All of the grandparents are dead now, and they never were well enough to help out. I think what I miss most is having other people who care about my children. I have no one to share pride in a performance, or a string of A*s, no one who is concerned about the small day to day worries and triumphs of growing children. It is lonely."

and I dont find it gets better, it just goes on and on

am so sorry op, completely get it xx