to be really upset about this introduction and not go back?

[WestieMamma]

I have AS and a 5 month old baby. Because of the AS I am very isolated. My health visitor referred me to the council's family support unit (a bit like Sure Start but part of social services) and a lady comes round from there every couple of weeks to chat and help me with stuff. Because of the isolation my occupational therapist suggested I go to the local mum and baby group. I can't do it on my own so the support worker said she would go with me. We went today.

She said it was a drop in group so we arrived part way through. Everyone was sat on the floor in a circle together. Then she said something along the lines of 'This is Westie, she would like to join the group. I'm M and I work for social services supporting families in need. Westie has AS so doesn't get out much and doesn't know anyone and we think this would be really good for her and her baby'. She said this to the entire room. A room full of complete strangers.

I sat down and waited for the ground to open up and swallow me. Thankfully my baby fell asleep after about 15 minutes and I used this as an excuse to escape.

There is also mumsnet local ...

Thank you all for your lovely comments and support. It really does help. Here's a lovely little leprechaun for you to enjoy. :o

I don't feel able to make a complaint because my situation is a lot more complex than just going to this group. I've posted about it under another name, but basically I'm supposed to be getting proper, professional support from someone with specialist autism training through the council (non-UK). The council are refusing to put this support in place even though it has now reached the point where the Court of Appeal has ordered them to do it.

My HV arranged for this lady to help, despite her not having the right training and it not really being the sort of help I need, so that I'm at least getting some support in the meantime. I'd feel rotten if I then complained about it. Also I think her boss is probably the same person who is arguing against supporting me properly in court. I suspect she would jump on the chance to cancel this help too if she was aware of it and was given the chance.

Do bear in mind that being apprehensive about mother and baby groups puts you firmly in the mainstream, rather than making you an outlier.

Yes, bloody good point. I went once. Hated it! Never went back.

Sorry to hear why you don't feel able to complain. Do you not think that it would actually support your case, if you have the Court of Appeal on your side anyway? It does kind of prove the point that the help they've offered you thus far is inadequate.

Your son is absolutely adorable! Thanks for sharing him with us.

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in re accessing the help you are meant to get. I hope you can get it sorted. I probably wouldn't go back to that group either, maybe look into other things, do the libraries where you are do rhymetime or other activities which would be focused on the children rather than the mothers being forced to make small talk?

Wow, I am speechless.

Do you have a good relationship with your OT? Could you maybe ring her tomorrow and let her know what has happened. If I were your OT I would be more than happy to handle the complaint side of it for you.

Westie, if it's of any comfort I'm too uncomfortable to take my DS to any groups at all, and I don't have AS. I work with AS young people within universities and part of my job is to escort them to various places discreetly. If I ever did what that dimwit did, I'd consider myself struck off. I assume she just went with you as an advocate rather than to speak for you in such a belittling way. She should be ashamed.

Please don't feel forced to keep quiet rather than complaining - if only to stop other AS mums going through the same. Speaking out shouldn't affect your case for support.

Do you have a close friend who might go with you to groups?

These situations make me very sad indeed, but you and your gorgeous little leprechaun have no need to worry - If he's a sociable chap by nature he'll get there anyway I've kept my DS all to myself quite happily for 6 months yet he's an absolute flirt!

Your baby is scrumptious!:)

As another non-NT person, I am cringing on your behalf just imagining that situation! My idea of hell is the unspoken rule ridden, small talk, subtext filled world of baby group - I'm not even a parent yet and I'm dreading it. (I think many NT people do too!)

I'd second what other posters have said about structured activities - knowing that i'll be doing x, y and z in a specific order brings my anxiety down by miles as well as helping me predict topics of conversation. Swimming, rhyme time, etc?

Please please complain

If only to stop her doing this tobsomeone else. Stupid bint.

Your baby is gorgeous. Agree with everyone else about making a complaint about the breach of confidentiality.

I would think your problems with an untrained helper gives weight to your need for someone who is trained?

I would be using it as evidence to add in to support your need, unless an missing something?

I know very well how hard it is when you're forced to accept 'help' to seem compliant, but the help is a complete opposite of any definition of help... It's really hard to deal with the politics and awfulness of someone blocking your needs.

I wonder if you can go above her head to her boss or bosses boss. I would also get advice on their obligation to support you. It is complicated but often ss take advantage of that in order to get out of doing what they should be doing. If you can arm yourself with that info, you will be able to push them to give you what you need, as long as you have a good argument which fits within what they have a duty to provide.

Good luck.

Sorry I re read and see you're at appeal
Stage so will know alot about the system.

To me, and again, I don't know the whole background so there may be something that makes this not true... But to me this episode is really good evidence that they cannot provide unqualified support instead of specialized help.

This 'support' has

• displayed complete ignorance at how to help you (anyone) join in a group
• has given complete strangers your highly confidential personal information without your consent
• she took away your self agency and voice by labeling you and inviting others to do the same 'the woman with x'... This fosters difference and puts you in a vulnerable position with her status as above yours
• she has added to your anxiety about social situations
• made made you feel humiliated and an object for discussion

Basically... She is a great example of the damage an
Untrained (& bloody ignorant stupid nastiness!) 'helper' can do. This is exactly why you need trained help.

Do you see what I mean?

Good post DoubleLife

OMG that's appalling!

I don't have AS but the HV was always trying to get me to go to groups when DD was born she never stopped going on about it.

I can imagine if I'd turned up your HV would've said "here's pianodoodle everyone look at her at once as it makes her really nervous. It took a lot of persuading as she doesn't see why she needs to drag her ass out of the house with a 3 week old to meet you other mummies and get the free coffee that I won't shut up about. She was happy reading a book and has better coffee at home anyway. Do make her feel welcome!"

I am horrified as well Westie. I really think this crap woman supports our case for all the excellent reasons Double has made above. I think you should get in touch with your HV and who ever else, you could do it by letter.

That's awful.
Part of my job in the past has involved accompanying mums with social anxiety and related issues to groups in order to get them there. I would never say I was from social services, if asked I would say 'I'm just here to support X/keep her company'. The last thing I would do it tell anyone there the reason for my involvement. Stupid woman.

But don't let the fact that you have aspergers and the group knows it make you feel ashamed or embarrassed I to not going. Support worker was a total dick but aspergers is nothing to be embarrassed about. It might be different if she said 'I'm doing a child protection investigation' I could understand not wanting to go back in that case but for you, try to hold your head up and be proud.

Well I've been back a few times on my own. I think I've reached the point where it's time to stop now. Everyone is polite and smiles and says hello when I say hi to them, but that's it. I've given it a try and I don't think it's going to work for me. It's starting to make me feel worse if anything. I don't know how begin to fit into the already formed groups and although polite nobody seems bothered about including me either. This morning I left after 45 minutes of sitting on my own. I doubt anyone even noticed. :(

How unfriendly of the other mums, Westie. It sounds as if it is time to give that group a miss. I found babygroups incredibly difficult socially too and often far more bruising than useful. They are not for everyone.

I do agree with the poster below who suggested it would be good to find more structured activities for your delightful ds: swimming classes, baby massage, singing/music groups were better for us - something where the focus is on the activity rather than on sitting in a room eying each other up and deciding who is going to make the first move (or not).

HTH

You know I think you have been amazing going back by yourself. Well done.

Sometimes these baby groups are hard to break into, sometimes you meet people and click and sometimes you dont however much effort you put in.

Hopefully going to this group has given you a bit of confidence to try another group or a more structured activity.You have done an amazing thing by going out of your comfort zone - dont let it go to waste and try something else soon.

Well done for giving it a try by yourself. Now you know you and your ds aren't missing out. It sounds like the other mums weren't worth the effort, what an unfriendly bunch!

They sound very unfriendly so well done for keeping trying. I think a lot of baby groups are like this really. No one seems to want to step out of their comfort zone in the established group to welcome anyone else. I've been to some where the women would blatantly ignore me speaking to them. I think HVs and the like shouldn't make these baby groups out as the holy grail for making friends. I had it from midwives, HVs and other people telling me how easy it would be to make friends at baby groups and how I'd have this whole new social life. When that didnt happen, I felt more of a failure. I wish they'd be more realistic with it.

I never liked those mum and baby groups either. Do you really have a westie dog as in your nick name? One of the best ways of meeting nice friendly people for me is when walking the dog. I mean in a nice dog park or at the beach. Also I prefered the groups where you do an activity I went to baby gym, but left it a bit late with this wish I started earlier dd was 3 by time I realised. Another thing is to invite someone friendly for a coffee atva care. Mums with babys often like this chance get out house and more civilised than mum and baby group plus can make it short and sweet without being rude.

That was supposed to be meet at a care lol

Omg this phone a CAFE!!!

She wasn't exactly being helpful, although I'm sure she thought she was.

I'd say 99% of us want the earth to swallow us at these enforces jambourees. I loathes every minute when I took DH but just kept thinking 'this isn't for my benefit, its for his'.

I would tell whoever arranges these 'helpers'. Can you imagine what else she is blabbing "Hi - this is nicename. She's got haemmoriods at the moment so can someone get her a cushion? A really soft one. And I hope the loo roll is soft here. No!!! Don't give her coffee. You don't want coffee, dear - that makes them pop really badly, doesn't it nicename... Nice? Nice? Where is she...?"