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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really upset about this introduction and not go back?

102 replies

WestieMamma · 16/09/2013 23:55

I have AS and a 5 month old baby. Because of the AS I am very isolated. My health visitor referred me to the council's family support unit (a bit like Sure Start but part of social services) and a lady comes round from there every couple of weeks to chat and help me with stuff. Because of the isolation my occupational therapist suggested I go to the local mum and baby group. I can't do it on my own so the support worker said she would go with me. We went today.

She said it was a drop in group so we arrived part way through. Everyone was sat on the floor in a circle together. Then she said something along the lines of 'This is Westie, she would like to join the group. I'm M and I work for social services supporting families in need. Westie has AS so doesn't get out much and doesn't know anyone and we think this would be really good for her and her baby'. She said this to the entire room. A room full of complete strangers.

I sat down and waited for the ground to open up and swallow me. Thankfully my baby fell asleep after about 15 minutes and I used this as an excuse to escape.

OP posts:
mumblecrumble · 17/09/2013 00:29

Am I being a bit thick? Why do you have to force these interactions. I have some experience and knowledge of, and have taught children and adults with Aspergers but its dreadful you feel forced surely.

Just mentioned this to DH as he is a support working and he was really shocked at what your lady said.

Do you get on with her usually?

What do you want out of this? Or are you concerned that you Aspergers may make it hard for your baby [please do not think this is my opinion, just wondering what yours are]

K8Middleton · 17/09/2013 00:29

I run a support group for new parents. If someone came in and gave an introduction like that I would be very shocked and probably say something to the woman at the time or contact the council to complain.

YANBU at all. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Where abouts are you? Could we help find you a nice group?

pigsDOfly · 17/09/2013 00:30

God Westie that's awful. Is this woman a professional? Sounds as if she has no idea what she's doing and has very poor people skills. Why did she even feel it necessary to introduce you?

I think you really need to make a complaint.

Is there another local group you could go to, certainly not with the same woman though. Surely it would be better to go when the session starts so that you don't have to walk in when they're in the middle of something but can just go in and blend in with everyone else.

It's hard for anyone joining new things, don't let this woman's stupidity put you off joining in.

mumblecrumble · 17/09/2013 00:31

God, I was terrified at these mums and baby things..... much easier to ease in gently. First time I went DD poohed everywhere......

Though, worth persevering if only to have advice in real life from real mums. Are there other groups?

Misspixietrix · 17/09/2013 00:31

Shock All that was needed was If anything "This is Westie and baby Westie. I'm M" what a horrible horrible woman. agree with PP. Ring your HV up and tell her how unbloody professional she was. I'm furious for you!

topicsactiveimon · 17/09/2013 00:34

YANBU!! To be fair, everyone in the room probably thought the woman was a thoughtless cow and would love to be given the chance to make it up to you.

mumblecrumble · 17/09/2013 00:35

Are there any support groups etc for parents with AS or ASD? Like on the 'wrong planet' website for example?

I helped out at several feeding support groups and my job was 'new person spotter', i would have slapped your lady with a wet fish [not really.... that would be mean but I really want to..]

So, what will you do?

Misspixietrix · 17/09/2013 00:38

OP What would you have preferred? To go at the beginning and get used to it when they Do All the Intros or Do you find it easier to Do as Support Worker did andgo a bit later to just ease in? She's a total twat for saying that in front of a group of strangers. Sorry you had to go through that :( Flowers Could you ask HV to tell them to change to someone who actually knows What they are doing! else?

Ericaequites · 17/09/2013 00:46

How incredibly rude! Do complain to her supervisor.
I have AS, and am uncomfortable in new groups. If someone had done this, I would have cried. It's so humiliating...

StraightJacket · 17/09/2013 01:01

I am absolutely gobsmacked! How dare she?!? Completely unprofessional, not forgetting breach in confidentiality and betrayal of trust.

Definitely ring your health visitor, tell her and find out how you go about reporting her.

I am really sorry that she did that to you Sad

Original poster
WestieMamma · 17/09/2013 01:07

mumblecrumble I want to do it for my son. When I pregnant I was certain he would have AS because I do, my husband does and my daughter does. Everyone in both our families has AS or BAP, except my dad (who was a leprechaun, he told us this in strictest confidence when we were kids :o). DS is only 5 months but it's already clear that he's also 100% leprechaun. He's my dad reincarnate, turns on his sparkly Irish eyes and everyone within a 100m falls under his spell. We got stalked around a local castle the other day by a bus load of Italian tourists who kept stroking his face and crying 'bellisimo'. He loved it. He loves people, other children, interacting with them. It would be such a shame if he misses out because of me.

OP posts:
fabergeegg · 17/09/2013 01:12

Like all the other posters, I am speechless with dumb horror and indignation at this woman's actions. It is very scary to think of a vulnerable person having their life in the hands of someone so unfeeling and unprofessional.

I would write an account of what happened - exactly as it happened - to her line manager for starters. Explain why it hurt at the time and why you'll find it difficult to return.

There are other mums and tots groups out there. I think you should try another one, at least until you've got a bit of confidence up. Sorry you're stuck at home a great deal - so am I - it does make you feel that wee bit more fragile. That woman is a bulldozer!

Good luck.

scripsi · 17/09/2013 01:19

Wow! As everyone has said upthread, this woman needs to be reported. Utterly insensitive and unnecessary.

ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor · 17/09/2013 01:27

Jeez that's horrible. Poor you. Try and find another group. Libraries, churches, leisure centres and places like that quite often run them.

cardamomginger · 17/09/2013 01:37

Bloody hell. YANBU.

Well done for going to the group. Really well done.

Spermysextowel · 17/09/2013 01:59

We struggled with 'groups' for a bit but in the end it seemed the stress was not worth it. We left it for a while, just getting out of the house together as much as possible until he was older when we could go to soft-play centres etc. You don't need an introduction & you can get into a conversation with other mothers & use your roaming baby as an excuse to break away if you're not feeling comfortable. Even if the most you manage is a nod & a smile (like I did) at least the 2 of you will probably have a good time anyway. Or you could try this when your husband is around so you feel a bit less alone.

Your little leprechaun sounds gorgeous!

Whippoorwhill · 17/09/2013 04:13

While her actions were dreadfully unprofessional at the very least, please try not to let it put you off going back. I suspect that everyone there was equally as shocked by her as we have been.

Your son sounds utterly delightful (as does your Dad).

Blont · 17/09/2013 04:26

In any context this comment is stupid, but in the context of this woman's profession, it is wildly inappropriate and certainly worth a written warning.

The potential positive here is that other people in the room may well have been in agreement with the people on this website - i.e. horrified at your companion's professional misjudgment, and not judging you in any way.

FadBook · 17/09/2013 04:31

Awful experience for you westie, I'd write it off and complain if you feel you'll get something out of it.

If you son is great with others, rather than those types of groups where you "drop in" (which are more for mums than babies) have a look at a Baby Sensory course or boogie babies or similar; the sure start centre will normally run them at a discounted price, or they'll be local privately run ones. The library might have a weekly rhyme time session too. They're aimed at babies/toddlers and so it is the baby that gets more out of it rather than the parent.

You could also try swimming - water babies is quite structured but puts baby in a group around other babies.

Drop in groups are good for socialising etc but the focus is normally on parent rather than baby. I like to socialise so these types of groups are great for me, but they're not for everyone.

I know very little about AS but I suppose I'm replying to your original point which was that you don't want baby to miss out; so rather than doing what SS / knob head support worker says, focus on what baby will enjoy and interact with and the types of group I've described will be perfect for him (plus they'll be fairly structured so you don't necessarily have to socialise if you don't want to, as there won't be time to during the 'class')

ebwy · 17/09/2013 05:59

Please do complain, your AS is not hers to announce. She should just have said that she was there to give you some support.

I have social phobia (among other issues) and have no family around so my (idiot) HV sent me a support worker too (when the eldest was an only child).

The support worker told me that unless we attended groups at sure start, my child would grow up "socially maladjusted"

I disagreed. She was in no way supportive, so we told her not to come again.

My eldest is not socially maladjusted. He's not shy, he is sociable, and his teacher in the nursery class he now attends daily at the school tells me he's fitting in "wonderfully" with the other children, he talks to anyone (and charms women!)

You don't HAVE to attend groups, if they aren't something you want to do.

MackerelOfFact · 17/09/2013 07:12

Gosh, that's horrible!

Please don't feel like you're failing your DS if you don't go to these structured groups. There are plenty of unstructured play things you can take him to where he can interact with other DCs as he gets older, without it being forced and without you having to interact with other parents. Swimming, soft play and even the local park will give him the chance to play with other children without traumatising you! He's very young still, so don't force it.

FirstStopCafe · 17/09/2013 07:16

YANBU
That is awful. I'd definitely mention it to the health visitor

celestialbows · 17/09/2013 07:47

Oh how awful. I have worked in similar roles to her. Whenever I have to go anywhere with people I work with I tend to treat it as though I were out with a friend so nobody is any the wiser unless they're really observant. But I'd never share that information.
Speaking as a mum as well I have never known anyone announce their arrival and personal circumstances to a room of parents and toddlers. What a buffoon!
I think you need to complain otherwise she'll carry on like this with all her clients, plus your humiliation needs to be acknowledged.

blueballoon79 · 17/09/2013 07:56

I am currently working in a very similar role to this and in our training it was drilled into us that we must always respect confidentiality.

This woman was totally in the wrong and I'd suggest you complain.

All she needed to say to introduce you was your names- nothing more. Any further information is your choice to disclose.

SunshineMMum · 17/09/2013 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.