to be really upset about this introduction and not go back?

[WestieMamma]

I have AS and a 5 month old baby. Because of the AS I am very isolated. My health visitor referred me to the council's family support unit (a bit like Sure Start but part of social services) and a lady comes round from there every couple of weeks to chat and help me with stuff. Because of the isolation my occupational therapist suggested I go to the local mum and baby group. I can't do it on my own so the support worker said she would go with me. We went today.

She said it was a drop in group so we arrived part way through. Everyone was sat on the floor in a circle together. Then she said something along the lines of 'This is Westie, she would like to join the group. I'm M and I work for social services supporting families in need. Westie has AS so doesn't get out much and doesn't know anyone and we think this would be really good for her and her baby'. She said this to the entire room. A room full of complete strangers.

I sat down and waited for the ground to open up and swallow me. Thankfully my baby fell asleep after about 15 minutes and I used this as an excuse to escape.

Well done for even attending. YANBU at all, she did the completely wrong thing. It sounds like you really want to go back for your son. I would say try to go back, perhaps with a friend or acquaintance? Firstly, there's a lot of churn in these groups, so there will be different people. Also, I'd like to think that most people are kind and understanding, and will hopefully be aware of how difficult it is for you and be supportive.

At work I line manage somebody with AS, who is new. He's told me but nobody else and I would never dream of telling anybody else in our team. It's his information. We've had to do a lot of work to make him comfortable in his new role but that has all been between us. I did tell my boss in the end as I wanted some help to make sure I did the right things, and also to ask that he wasn't forced to speak in front of everyone (his worst nightmare). BUT I checked if this was ok first. I would complain, if you can do that.

She was very unprofessional and it's complaint worthy.

I agree with cafecito that structured groups such as baby massage or baby signing might be easier than the often god awful chit chatty groups. Sure start and the library will probably have details.

Would you feel able to complain, it's not ok, especially as she had you questioning yourself and whether you are 'allowed' to feel bad about it.

She shouldn't be making social situations more difficult for you, and that's precisely what she did.

I hope you feel able to complain about her. She really should know better than to give out such personal information.

If it helps, I hated going to mum & baby groups for similar reasons to you. I found that going to an activity group helped as there was no pressure to talk/interact with other parents as you're all focussed on the activity. We went to sing & sign.

That is fucking awful. I'm so, so sorry you've been landed with such a nitwit.

Complain. If you're not sure what to write or say, MN will draft a letter for you. She had no right to declare your medical/neurological information to complete strangers, and if she knew anything about doing her job, she wouldn't.

I can't believe how unprofessional she was introducing you like that, it was inappropriate and rude of her.

Well done for going to the group, I always hated going into new groups and classes as I felt awkward.

Are you in the uk? Have you heard of Homestart? It's an organization that can send a volunteer round for 2 hours a week to your house to help with whatever you need. You can refer yourself or your health visitor can refer you, it's on your terms and you can stop the visits at any point if you feel it's not for you. A coordinator would come to your house to discuss what you would like your volunteer to do. They can help you go to playgroups or even just help you get out to the park etc, they having training re confidentiality etc and would check with you how they are to be introduced, you could say they are your friend when you go to groups.

www.home-start.org.uk/ here is the website if you would like to have a read.

And you are not being unreasonable at all.

How awful! Highly unprofessional of her, and mortifying for you. I would definitely complain if you feel up to it.

I'd second the HomeStart suggestion. I volunteer for them and they are a brilliant organisation. Otherwise, groups based around a specific activity eg massage/ signing/ music are much easier in my experience. I don't have AS but found interacting at regular mums and tots groups too awkward.

YANBU. That is gobsmackingly fucking rude. She might as well have said 'this is Westie, please join with me in condescending to her'.

She shouldn't have anything to do with AS support with that attitude.

Oh my God. That trumps my midwife referring to my history of depression by making the circling finger gesture at the side of her head (as in 'loony'). At least she only did that in a private consultation.

Oh, Westie, that is awful.

I'm sorry you had to experience that. Please do complain.

Deeply inappropriate and unprofessional. Please do report it. Maybe there's a different group nearby that you could go to instead? (with a different support person, obviously!)

Westie, that's just awful. I hope you complain strongly. She had NO right to do that to you. I am seething on your behalf right now.

I am so on your behalf. Totally unprofessional and a breach of confidentiality, not to mention the total lack of respect for you.

I struggle with social situations myself and avoided mother and baby type groups with ds1 and ds2. Ds1 was diagnosed with AS when he was 8 and I now realise, in all likelihood, I'm probably on the spectrum too. It was mentioned several times throughout his earlier years that he was only lacking social skills because I didn't take him to these groups.

Like you I really wanted to try again to go to these things both for the benefit of my highly sociable 3rd dc (dd - now 4) and also to avoid any potential problems in the future with professionals dismissing concerns I might have - just in case.

I made myself go to one group but hated every minute and pretty much only interacted with dd anyway. Then I found another local group that was a drop-in-session/stay-and -play and found that much easier to cope with. There was no expectation to be there at the start and hang around till the end, it was different people each week, so no clique to try and contend with and if I didn't feel like it, I didn't have to go, without having to think up a credible excuse for not attending.

I think unless you are a highly sociable individual by nature, most people are intimidated by mother and baby groups. You are not alone and there was absolutely no reason - or excuse - for the way you have been treated. Definitely find out who her line manager is and put in a formal complaint.

I read that with my mouth open in shock. What a numbskull. Complain about her. Foolish, jobsworthy idiot.

Completely and utterly unprofessional, breaching confidentiality, and just horrible introduction!! She needs training or a tact implant. (do they have those? )

I'm also utterly shocked and very angry on your behalf. Please do complain, that woman is totally unsuitable to do the job she's doing.

On the plus side you certainly made a memorable entrance and I'm sure everyone will be on your side and was thinking how awful that woman was. Do you feel up to going back by yourself and saying you felt more supported without the support worker?! Make a bit of a joke about it?

If I was someone in that group I'd think you were very brave and very cool and very witty for coming back and I'd want to talk to you! Especially if you explained how your dad and DS were leprechauns!

Good luck OP, I really hope you can move past that awful experience.

What a terribly unprofessional and insensitive woman! I'm really sorry you had someone so rubbish, it sounds like she made the experience much harder rather than easier.

I go to groups like this and there is often someone's friend/family member there, it wouldn't have been at all notable if she had just said "hi I'm westie's friend" or even just "I'm here with westie" there was no reason for an explanation.

Can you request another support worker? I have personally found the groups I go to really helpful, especially now ds can move destroy things going to öppnaförskolan gives my day structure and helps keep me sane. I have found the women who work there reallyssupportive and the other mums really unjudgemental.

In my opinion the groups are mostly for the parents, the babies tend to parallel play rather than actually interact with each other. I would say that if you don't want to go for yourself then don't force yourself to do something you are uncomfortable with.

Your ds will be entitled to go to dagis when he is 1 so he will get the social interaction without you needing to be there.

I'm angry on your behalf too. Please do complain!

OP, nobody has to go to groups like these. AS or not, it's okay to not like socialising and it's ok to be an introvert. I am! I didn't enjoy mother and baby groups but like you went because I felt I should. Now I have MS and health & support professionals are always pressuring me to go to MS groups etc and socialise with other disabled people (as though we would automatically get on? ) but I am older and more confident now and simply say I don't want to. I would rather stay at home on my own or with my DH and DS's. Your child will not suffer in any way through not going and he will be able to interact with plenty of other children when he starts nursery, but if you force yourself to go he might pick up on your stress and discomfort which won't be good for either of you.

I think extrovert people think that everyone must enjoy socialising if they would only force themselves to do it, just because they do. They often think that being introverted is something to be 'fixed' but it really isn't. And I think that by definition, these public-facing health workers and support people are usually extroverts. Otherwise they wouldn't do a job where they had to talk to different people all day!

OP, don't force yourself to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. I'm sure you are a wonderful mom to your DS and are giving him everything he needs right now.

Please complain about her, if only to stop it happening to anyone else. Clearly she hasn't the common sense to know how much to say and what to keep to herself, and she very clearly hasn't had very good training either, which isn't her fault. So for you.

Btw I LOVED the bit about your son being a leprechaun and getting followed round the castle by the Italian tourists! He sounds adorable and you sound like a wonderful mum.

Unbelievable!!! How awful when you were feeling so vulnerable anyway. Please speak to your HV and complain. And please don't give up on trying another group. Sometimes HV run groups, I know mine did - is that an option? Good on you for trying to help your DC.

I want to see your cute leprechaun son and his Pied Piper effect on Italians

What happened to you is seriously not on. Don't decide this is your problem - it's hers. She failed you. But don't let that stop you going back if you can. It sounds as though you really want to push through your issues with going so you can go for your boy.

Am also at Eldritch and the loony thing.

Westei

I am appalled. I remember how hard I found baby groups when mine were little (I had PND). That someone whose job it is to support you should behave so unprofessionally is gob-smacking.

BTW, the nicest group I found was a Church-run one.

Riffy makes an excellent point as well. Suddenly when we have DCs the route out of isolation seems to be enforced group-membership. Whilst it helped me to meet like-minded people, I was glad to leave that behind.

A more activity-based thing might suit you better.

Do bear in mind that being apprehensive about mother and baby groups puts you firmly in the mainstream, rather than making you an outlier.

Even if you don't want to complain, perhaps you could just ask for a different support worker, as this one sounds unprofessional and lacking in common sense.