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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people can't keep their houses in a basic state of cleanliness?

526 replies

HarderToKidnap · 16/09/2013 12:26

Disabilities aside, why can't people keep their homes basically clean?

I work part time, have a messy dog, a demanding toddler, am extremely lazy but my house always looks OK. You couldn't eat your tea off the top of the door frames but the kitchen surfaces are clean, floors hoovered, sofas plumped and inviting, toilet free of poo crumbs. It's easy and doesn't take long. So WHY do I go round to so many of my friend's houses and see they live in complete pits? Gritty nasty sofas that are horrible to sit on, filthy kitchens, poo smears and crumbs all over toilet, minging hand towels, floors covered in bits. IT IS NOT HARD to do the basics. I've just done a house once over and it's taken 45 minutes.

I understand not wanting to spend all day dusting your books or whatever but when people are coming over why wouldn't you want them to feel clean and comfy in your house? I'm not talking about people that physically can't do it because of illness or disability, but the rest of you? WHY??!!!

OP posts:
working9while5 · 16/09/2013 20:47

A lot of it is habitual.

I grew up severely neglected in squalor. I keep a reasonably tidy but quite cluttered home which is like a fricking palace in comparison to where I grew up. I never learned a lot of the stuff that is second nature to others and it is slow and effortful to do now I have two toddlers and another on the way. It's a learned behaviour and many adult women do it on autopilot. I have to really remind myself as I find it deeply unmotivating now kids are at stage it only lasts a few minutes.

Dh grew up in a tidy home where women did it all. I am not going to be only one working to keep home clean in front of my boys so we both have to do it together.

LadyBigtoes · 16/09/2013 20:47

Like Robert the robot on Justin's house.

DawnOfTheDee · 16/09/2013 20:49

I'd love a robot too. But i'd probably forget to oil the joints and it'd end up rusting in a corner of the room, covered in dust, staring balefully at me as I mumsnetted the evening away....

Dilidali · 16/09/2013 20:51

I didn't read the whole tread.
But it made me think of this: when did a house/home became an exhibit? Why clean for visitors? Why not for yourself?
My home is where I recharge my batteries, not a place where XY and Z can come and marvel at my taste in decorating and see exactly how much money I can afford to spend on a sofa. My home is where my child grows up, is being educated, feels safe. Ultimately, it is a place where we all feel safe, uninhibited, where we rest and spend time as a family.
So the environment has to be right for us.
If your house is filthy or pristine to the point where you can't relax because there might be a crumb rolling onto the carpet at some point, something is not right.
I fail to see how someone's mood isn't overshadowed by piles of dirty dishes and lack of clean clothes or kitchen space, just as I fail to see how cleaning obsessively would make someone happy and content.

There's a balance there, somewhere.
I don't need admiring aaaah's, just as I don't need disgusted expressions, I'd like to see myself happily opening or shutting the door.

working9while5 · 16/09/2013 20:53

Oh and ps I have OCD. The real kind, diagnosed by a psychiatrist. And it makes me messier not tidier.

Nonie241419 · 16/09/2013 21:02

My house mings. This is caused by my chronic dislike of housework, H's refusal to do any cleaning beyond wiping dust off surfaces with his hands, 2 messy primary aged children and one messy toddler. I work part time and when I'm not at work, I'm child wrangling. I also bring a lot of work home, so don't have much time for cleaning in the evening. This house is also too big and overwhelming for me to manage - cleaning and tidying feels futile when there's so much to do.
I do keep on top of the laundry, so we always have clean clothes, but that's the only thing I'm in control of.
I've always worried about people judging when they come round, and many of the posts on here have made me realise I was right. I shan't be inviting anyone around again until DC3 has started nursery hours and I have some uninterrupted time to clean. That's fine, only 18 months of no visitors!

ItIsKnown · 16/09/2013 21:10

Grin at Dawn the the dusty neglected robot. I'm like that. Get a new appliance and vow to use it all the time and keep it shiny and that's what happens.

Nonie241419 · 16/09/2013 21:10

Oh and my eldest DC has a digestive problem which means he makes a hideous mess of the toilets several times a day, so they're only ever properly clean for a few hours max.
I do clean them regularly, and always before visitors are due, but to keep them without evidence of his use I would have to clean all three of them multiple times a day. I'm not doing that so will have to accept the censure of all those on this thread who are sure that toilets should be clean at all times.

MrsDeVere · 16/09/2013 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 16/09/2013 21:22

Oh man. My dad and my step mum live in cluttered filth. I can't bear it. Both very able, kids long grown up, now retired. It just doesn't occur to them to clean or tidy. They are lovely people but I so wish they'd make their house feel more inviting. They love having people round, they're very social. But they don't see dirt. They won't even let me clean it, even though I'm dying to. They actually like it.

elQuintoConyo · 16/09/2013 21:22

Thank fuckety-fuck you aren't my friend.

But then, if you were, I'd purposefully NOT go over the obvious sticky patches on my kitchen floor with a wetwipe, 5 minutes before you come round for a judge chat.

Chocolatehunter · 16/09/2013 21:22

I'm someone who is quite obsessive about cleanliness. It makes my skin crawl if my house isn't clean and I don't feel comfortable. I watched those channel 4 programmes about the borders v the ocd cleaners and felt so horrible that I ended up steam cleaning every section of grout in my house because it felt dirty. That said I find being tidy quite difficult and tend to have piles of stuff which has no real home. It gets on my nerves that there is a room in my house which houses a lot of this crap and if truth be told, if it was all taken I couldn't really tell you what was missing.

paperlantern · 16/09/2013 21:42

yabu - because I value my mental health more than a tidy house. because I value getting out and about as a family unit more than hours spent tidying, because I value my friends more than a tidy house

harverina · 16/09/2013 21:49

Dawn please do not let it put you off making friends Hmm they won't care. And if they do then they are not the kind of friends that you want surely?! Your house sounds like any normal family home. Clutter and mess is not dirt.

I am ashamed to say I tidy for people coming round. I don't want people knowing how messy I am!!

kaosak · 16/09/2013 21:53

I definitely tidy for people coming around, 12 hours the day before and I still think it looks messy (it doesn't I know in my heart of hearts) but then I let it all slide again until the next batch of judgers friends happen by!

MrsDV - yes I totally understand that feeling of running off to John Lewis rather than tackling the problem which often feels insurmountable.

I don't judge other people's houses though, I honestly am fine with how anyone else lives unless it was truly filthy which most people's houses aren't.

LadyBigtoes · 16/09/2013 21:57

I make an effort when people are coming to visit or stay because there will always be something I don't want people to see - huuuuge dust bunnies under the sofa or bath, piles of clothes with my knickers visible on top sitting at the bottom of the stairs, stains in the toilet. Things I may live with for a day or two because I just haven't got around to them yet and no one will see, and I just don't have time to do everything as it arises, at least not if I ever want to do other stuff like catch up on work, send social emails, relax with DP etc. But if I know someone is coming, that stuff will get sacrificed so I can spend an hour or two to make the place presentable.

I prefer that balance because at least it means I do get to prioritise myself sometimes. If I just constantly kept up with the housework, I would never do anything else.

McNewPants2013 · 16/09/2013 21:58

I know jobs have got to be done and sometime in the week it does get done.

I have no routine, I hide junk everywhere but as soon as I sort it by 2-3 days the house is back the same.

It gets on my nerves trying to keep this house up.

RhondaJean · 16/09/2013 22:07

There's limits and my house is NEVER. That bad, but yknow how they say noone wishes they had spent more time in the office when they are dying?

I figured out a looong time ago noone wishes they had spent more time hoovering either and adjusted my life accordingly.

Incidentally, every friend I have with "immaculate" houses has an abusive childhood in common. I've often wondered if its a control issue similar to eating disorders.

Minifingers · 16/09/2013 22:09

3 children, dog, big house, multiple projects on the go.

I don't know how it happens but cleaning the loo and the bathroom seems to get shoved off the bottom of my to do list most days.

Am I bovvered?

I still can't imagine myself ever turning into the sort of person who thinks that cleaning the bathroom is more important than almost anything else I am currently spending time doing, including mumsnetting, reading a newspaper, staring into space, or eating popcorn.

But I do appreciate that there are women here who really value sparkling tiles, and a pine fresh flush.

curryeater · 16/09/2013 22:09

Before I had children I used to be very confused about what people meant when they said "my house is clean, but untidy". I thought: how is that possible? How did you clean it without tidying it first? I now realise that they did both but 15 minutes later ALL THE TOYS were out AND THE STICKER BOOKS AND AND AND.. now I get it. So it is still clean but invisibly so.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 16/09/2013 22:15

I work part time
And there's your answer. Next!

OneHandFlapping · 16/09/2013 22:15

I don't clean my house because I can't be arsed.

And neither can any of the other four (practically) adults who live in it.

There's no WAY I've ever spent 45 minutes a day running round with a hoover or something. Bugger that for a lark.

Kiwiinkits · 16/09/2013 22:18

If you've got time to MN and twitter you've got time to tidy up your house. Period.

Kiwiinkits · 16/09/2013 22:20

It shows a lack of pride to not tidy up before people come around. A bit like wearing your PJs on the school run.

FixItUpChappie · 16/09/2013 22:23

Well there is dirty and there is messy...and both have a very wide range.

Young kids can make things messy very quickly...especially if they are home all day as opposed to at daycare of whatnot. When I've been on maternity leave I've found it much harder to keep on top of it because the kids are pulling things out while I'm picking them up and are using the kitchen/washroom all day. The worse offense in my house is under the kitchen floor - toddler eating messily, baby eating/throwing things off his highchair....3 meals a day. Sometimes if we have places to be I leave it to later TBH. If you came over before I'd mopped it (for the 3rd time in a day) you'd be unimpressed Blush

Dirty....well unfortunately my profession has taught me that many people have disgusting hygiene issues and are happy to live literally like pigs in shit (literally). I think depression, lack of life-skills and normalization of such environments is largely the issue.