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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask those who do it all

51 replies

city1984 · 15/09/2013 22:56

How do you do it.
Frequently see threads where op is moaning that their dp doesn't help (wrong word I know) with housework childcare etc.
Invariably you will get some who say I am a sahm with a preschooler and I get it done. Dp works all day so he should be able to rest in the eve etc etc.
Well I a sahm with an 8 year old a 7 year old and a 1year old who thinks sleep is for wimps!
In the eve dh does literally nothing. I do bedtime of baby and supervise bedtime and do baths for older two. I cook for me and dc. Dh doesn't eat eith us.
The house is usually untidy and its a struggle to keep on top of laundry for 5.
He does do abit at weekends but most of the childcare and general day to day stuff is down to me.
Am I hopelessly inefficient or should dh be doing more?
He does also do garden and diy.

OP posts:

Original poster

city1984 · 16/09/2013 14:17

I tried that everlong. He became all defensive and claimed he was too tired etc etc and clearly I wanted the baby more than him so I have to suck it up. Not those words but you get the idea.

OP posts:

stopgap · 16/09/2013 14:19

Sorry, but he's lazy. Either get a cleaner in to lighten the load or divvy up the chores. I'm a SAHM, and I see time "after hours" as equally dividable when it comes to chores, getting free time etc.

everlong · 16/09/2013 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

city1984 · 16/09/2013 14:31

A cleaner may be an option. Will do some research.

OP posts:

Beechview · 16/09/2013 14:44

I pretty much do it all. Dh usually gets in around 8 when kids are ready for bed. I'm on mat leave at the moment with dc3 and will be going back to part time work in Oct.

I'm not the most organised of people but the things that have helped is to clean the kitchen and living room every night
Do laundry regularly
Meal plan plus shopping (I need to do this more regularly. On the occasions I do, the week seems so stress free)
Get the kids to help out as much as possible. Your 8 and 7 year old will be capable of quite a few jobs. It will make life easier for you plus its also good for them.

My dh has a few chores that he does regularly (bins, gardening, cleaning muddy shoes and football boots, cleaning cars) and he's always willing to do some food shopping, hoovering and some kitchen cleaning if he sees it needs to be done.

My dh used to respond better to being asked to help out with specific tasks. Would that work for you?

Your dp sounds a bit selfish I'm afraid.

sameoldIggi · 16/09/2013 14:56

Sounds like he isn't bonding well with the new baby - and missing out on such an obvious "dad job" like bathtime won't help.

blobfish · 16/09/2013 15:05

beastofburden - it isn't "normal" for parents to leave their baby "yelling" whilst they have adult time and neck some wine!

Original poster

city1984 · 16/09/2013 15:07

He will play with dd and will step up when I go out for a few hours one day per week. Although wouldn't give dd a bath. She would just not have one that night but that is no problem.

OP posts:

Beastofburden · 16/09/2013 15:11

I can see that before your lovely surprise baby, life would have been quite pleasant for both of you. Not wishing to be flamed, but if you were at home with both DC at school during the day, you will have had enough time child-free to get everything domestic done nicely before he came in, and quiet evenings together. Now there is this disruptive presence in the evenings, and more work altogether, and he does not want to do the extra work when he gets in, and resents the disruption.

I am going to risk a flaming and say that in your shoes I would not confront him for being lazy. He does work long days too. I would fix things so evenings are lovely times for you both, and use the weekends for him to appreciate his kids a bit more (so dial down the chores element). Use the money he earns, rather than the spare energy and time he isn't willing to offer, to make life fair on both of you, by offloading the surplus domestic work onto someone who will be glad of the money.

The other tip I might give is not to be too indulgent of your DC3. He can jolly well fit in, if you are busy and need to do something/ want him in his room playing nicely with his toys by 7pm. perhaps save a special toy (brio set is a good one) that is only allowed in that golden time between being put into your room at bedtime and falling asleep.

Beastofburden · 16/09/2013 15:13

blobfish- I was being a bit flippant. I didnt leave mine yelling their heads off for hours while I necked wine :) But I did expect all mine to go to bed at bedtime and not expect to rule the family during adult time. And when they were very young, and bedtime was chaotic, they stayed downstairs in a pram, but were not the main focus of attention once adult time started.

HappyAsEyeAm · 16/09/2013 15:32

I pretty much do it all Monday to Friday, as DH works long hours on those days. He is never home for bedtime (we have two small DSs), and has unreliable hours, in that sometime she can be home at 8 pm, other days not until 11 pm. And he invariably works in the evenings even if he is home. As do I, BTW, with all the household stuff like cooking, washing up, laundry, tidying, and everything else that goes with having a home and DC.

I work 3 full days a week (weekdays). I am constantly exhausted. We do have a cleaner and ironing lady though, and I wouldn't manage without her. Well obviously I would if I had to, but it would be hard going.

I feel like a single parent Monday to Friday, but DH does as much as he can at weekends. He doesn't see things to do IYKWIM, so he wouldn' necessarily do laundry, hoover etc, but he always plays with the DSs, takes them out, picks up any groceries that we may be low on, stachs and unstacks the dishwasher, feeds the DSs, does bath/bedtime with one of the DSs, and I do the other DS.

I think we both work, whether it is inside or outside the house, about equal hours over an average week. I think. I've never totted it up. But we both pull our weight.

blobfish · 16/09/2013 16:00

"adult time"? I bet you have "date night" as well

LimitedEditionLady · 16/09/2013 16:09

Adult time?if my ds wants me i dont see it as inconveniencing my "adult time" i kind of expect theres going to be nights when hes not settled,its my job to not feel put out by this.

sameoldIggi · 16/09/2013 16:15

My ds wants me pretty much 24/7! I do feel put up if I've got him to bed, just made a tea, got mumsnet up on the tablet and.. Crying toddler. I go to him, but I reserve the right to be grumpy about it sometimes!
I think the attitude to ds3 is the biggest worry the OP has. Presumably the dh was just as keen on the sex as the OP, just not on the result

Beastofburden · 16/09/2013 16:54

blobfish, god, no! but we have always used "adult time" to signal time for DCs to bugger off and leave us alone. Together with "quiet time" which is what happens after lunch when mummy curls up on the sofa and all children sod off to their bedrooms and do something improving and quiet with a book for an hour.

I was quite strict perhaps, as I am so old :). Especially when I was SAHM in the early years. Bedtime means bedtime, you dont have to go to sleep but you do have to stay in your room. Adult time starts at 7 after which you can interrupt me for sensible reasons but not just because you feel like it. Actually its not about cringworthy selfishness. I saw it as being part of bringing them up to understand that there is a balance in the family, mummy and daddy are people too, and it's not always your turn to be centre stage.

Agree, if someone howled during the evening I would have to deal with it; but the structure was there to say that it was the evening and not just an extension of the day.

LimitedEditionLady · 16/09/2013 17:46

Beastofburden i can now see what youre thinking is there.We just do a standard bedtime routine bath story bed thing.I guess the concept is the same really.Ive only one child so prob easier

Anomaly · 16/09/2013 19:39

Seriously struggle with the need for a cleaner if you don't work and have 2 out of 3 at school. I expect my kids to entertain themselves for at least some of the time. So I can tidy up, hoover and put some washing on. If you get into a routine of regularly tidying it just becomes second nature. The only crucial bit is the need for good storage. You can't have a tidy house without it.

Original poster

city1984 · 16/09/2013 21:05

The older ones are pretty good at entertaining themselves but the baby needs watching. She is into everything.. obviously I can get bits and bobs done when she is awake but the lions share has to be done when she is asleep.
I can'tceven put her in a cotvor playpen for safety as she screams and screams.

OP posts:

Original poster

city1984 · 16/09/2013 21:06

Storage is probaby an issue too. Along with 2 messy dc and a messy husband.

OP posts:

KirjavaTheCat · 16/09/2013 21:09

I do everything due to the hours that DP works. He's out of the door by 9am after having played with and read to DS, showered, eaten breakfast. He's then home just before midnight. The house is usually messy when he arrives home, he's lucky if there's dinner for him but he doesn't complain. I'm pregnant and have spent all day entertaining our son, shopping, cooking and trying to get some rest for myself in between.

There should either be an equal division of housework, or an understanding that it won't all get done.

LimitedEditionLady · 16/09/2013 23:35

Amen to the it wont all get done.To be fair my OH doesnt set any expectations upon me.I think he just is 1.crap at organising 2. Not got enough get up and go. No excuse though,i do wish he would one day surprise me and get his ass in gear and be more of a team.I might even marry him if he did that!

LittleBearPad · 16/09/2013 23:51

He works long days but he's around at the weekends. He needs to stop coasting and be present as a husband and father.

Why wouldn't dd gets bath when he looks after her? He bathed your other children?

He's also capable of tidying up after himself and so are your sons. I think you need to stand up for yourself more and stop doing everything. They will let you do everything forever unless you say you need their help.

Original poster

city1984 · 17/09/2013 06:32

Sadly he has never done baths for any of them. I think he was probably nervous when they were tiny and later was rarely home at bath time.

OP posts:

Beastofburden · 17/09/2013 07:47

My suggestion wasn't to ask now for a cleaner forever, as DH may have the same reaction as Anomaly. But in a year, the baby will be a toddler, still maybe into everything, but old enough to "help" mummy do stuff, so you will be more able to get through it all. And by then you will
both be used to having a lovely professional cleaner and not want to give it up. And then a bit later (can't remember when as I am out of date) those 15 hours of nursery kick in.

I guess I am saying, this may well be the low point. Hang on in there, get some help to see you through to the other side, it will get better. I had three in four years, so only one at school, when I was SAHM, it was a busy time. Once all three are out of the house for a few hours every school day, you will find it dead easy to cope.

JulietBravoJuliet · 17/09/2013 08:20

I'm a single mum working 3 jobs, usually 7 days a week and I'm really struggling at the minute to keep on top of everything. I never have a full days cleaning as days off are so flipping rare, so I want to do nice things with my ds in any spare time I get. Or sleep. Sleep is good!

I tend to do things as I go along; wash bath round after it's been used, tidy as I do dinner etc but I find I end up with piles of clean, folded laundry that never quite manage to get put away, and piles of mail that desperately needs sorting through and dealing with. At the minute, I feel that my house is a disgrace! It's physically clean but bloody untidy and I have no time or motivation to sort it!

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