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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really understand the objection?

61 replies

FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 11:41

Whenever I go out for a night out, it's always a MASSIVE deal to dh. I have to prepare to ask him because I know there will be hours of huffyness.

I don't go out without him that often, maybe once every 4/5 weeks and when I do I am very rarely out past 1am.
If he wants to go out I always say 'yeah sure have a nice time' I'll ask him a rough time he'll be home but that's just so I know, that's not me telling him to be home by a certain time.

When I ask to go out I get 'oh I thought we were going to be spending the evening together? We never see each other' (not true, I see him every evening after work obviously, not really sure how much more time we can spend together without him quitting his job?!) and usually I'll say ok fine I won't go, then I'll get a huffy 'no its fine, what time will you be back? It won't be past midnight will it? Why don't you get the half 11 bus. Can you make sure you're on that bus' etc and then he'll be in a mood until I go out, but say he's not.

He recently went on a business trip (like team building type thing) in a very posh, nice hotel. I stayed at home with the kids who misbehaved so badly I spent the evenings crying until I went to sleep.

I was meant to go out with course mates yesterday but decided to stay in with him instead as I hadn't seen him for a few days. But same course mates are going out again tonight and I want I go because I need to just get away from the house, the kids are really playing up at the moment and I just need to be somewhere else for a while you know? We had no other plans tonight other than staying in and watching tv and I'm almost weighing up the whether its worth the fuss of his moodiness.
I will also say that to be fair I am going out next week for freshers (which tbh was almost not worth tha hassle but I was determined).

In other aspects he's great, does more than his fair share on his days, offlooks after us etc.
I can't work out if I am being unreasonable. He doesn't go out much but he never seems to want to, but when he does I tell him to go have a good time. He's never turned around and said 'yeah sure go out have a nice time' it's always a massive effort. I don't understand his objection, I could understand if it was every week/2 weeks but its not!

OP posts:
pomdereplay · 14/09/2013 11:43

Sounds like he's being controlling to me. Sure he's not like this in any other aspects of your life?

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 11:44

It's just going out. He doesn't control my money or clothes or anything like that.

OP posts:
schmee · 14/09/2013 11:59

He might be feeling a bit insecure that you are going out so late. If you are just starting university he might feel that you are growing away from him and starting to lead more of a young free and single type of life?

I'm not saying it's right, but it sounds to me that he is a real family man. Perhaps his view of partnership/family is that you spend time together, whereas yours involves more independence? Could you have a conversation about your different takes on relationships/family?

As for the time coming back - I think my husband would worry about me if I was out until 1am, and would want me to come back earlier. I don't think that's controlling, more caring. Of course I was going out until 1 am and successfully getting myself home 20 years ago, so I'm perfectly capable, but he would worry because he loves me and wants to see me home safely.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 12:14

It's not a new thing, he's always been like this. I remember our first argument when we first got together (about 1 month in) he got in a mood because I went out with my friend instead of staying in with him.
I just text him saying that I might go to a gathering at one of my course mates houses tonight that she's having as a kind of 'get to know each other' thing for people on our course and he just text back 'cheers'

OP posts:
quesadilla · 14/09/2013 12:19

He is being very controlling. It's one thing, as you say, to want to know roughly when someone will be home. But getting moody about someone going out (unless they have given you cause to be suspicious or annoyed), is unreasonable. I think you need to have a little chat.

YoureBeingADick · 14/09/2013 12:21

why are you asking to go out? tell him you're going out the same way he tells you he is going out. tell him you should be home by 12/1. don't ask.

yes he is controlling you with his reaction to your very normal reasonable behaviour of going out.

YoureBeingADick · 14/09/2013 12:23

just seen the '[cheers' message. he's a pratt- my ex would have responded something like that. as if me going out was letting him down or something- like i'd cancelled plans on him. I dumped him for a reason Wink

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 12:26

I'm just worried about uni because if he's like this now, whys he going to be like when I say I've got to stay late at uni or go to someone's house to talk about group work or something? It's not even the going out, I really hate bein made to feel like a child :(

OP posts:
nennypops · 14/09/2013 12:27

I take it you've tried sitting down with him and talking about this? What did he say?

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 12:30

I've just told him everything that I wrote it my first post. I'm expecting a 'but I never go out' reply. Which is true, but I'm always saying to him 'why don't you go out tonight with BIL' and he's always like 'nah it's ok' how is that my fault?

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 14/09/2013 12:31

There is no way my DH would ever object to me going out with friends.
He knows it keeps me sain.Blush

I don't go out lots, probably once every six weeks but even if it was every week he wouldn't mind.
He knows that friends are important.

Can you all go out together?
Get a babysitter?

YoureBeingADick · 14/09/2013 12:31

so what are you going to do about it OP? you have options.

you can accept that this is how he is and that you will always have to put up with his attitude everytime you need/want to be somewhere else

you can talk to him and see if he shows any sign of a 'realisation' of how controlling and unfair his behaviour is and is happy (not only wiling- HAPPY) to change it

you can decide you deserve to be treated much better than this and put yourself in a situation where that happens (i.e; leave him and be on your own or with someone who treats you fairly)

what's it to be? (doing nothing is also a choice you will have made)

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 12:31

Talked about it with him so many times. It's always ' but I never go out' and then ' ok you're right' then it slowly goes back to usual.

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDee · 14/09/2013 12:31

In a small way my DH used to be like this. Not when i said i was going out but when i got back he'd be snappy with me and a bit of an arsehole to be honest.

Eventually I got very pissed off and the next day when i'd sobered up had a go at him, reminding him that when he rolled in a bit bevvied i was lovely to him - getting him a glass of water and making cheese toasties, - and I was sick to death of the attitude whenever i went out.

I think comparing the two side by side made him see how unfair he was being - there was no justification as to why it's ok for him but not for me.

I think you should be very frank with him. Tell him the huffiness is not ok and it needs to stop.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 14/09/2013 12:32

Babe, you KNOW my opinion on your DH and his attitude to you having fun without him. He is massively insecure and it is not ok for him to piss on your chips the way he does. He is BVU, but I have bugger all idea what to do about it.

Did he ever get rid of the bastard coral tank btw?

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 12:32

We do go out together, once a month maybe. He's fine with that. It's me going out without him that seems to be the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 12:33

smiteyouwiththunderbolts he didn't but he does turn it off at night now so I've had great sleep :)

OP posts:
YoureBeingADick · 14/09/2013 12:33

if it's his choice not to go out then he cannot expect you to sit in just as much. you are two different people with different social groups and different needs for social interaction- he is happy to sit in? fine then he can do that as much or as little as he pleases, but that means you also get to sit in as much or as little as you please too.

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 12:38

It's so frustrating because arguments about this with him either are me being wrong or him going 'ok fine whatever you're right' nothing changes and I always end up the bad guy.

OP posts:
FrigginRexManningDay · 14/09/2013 12:38

You are being controlled by his huffyness and you are conditioned to ask to go out,knowing you will get his huffyness. Do you not bother going to things because you don't want to deal with him?

Original poster
FrenchRuby · 14/09/2013 12:40

All the time. I dread asking if I can go out
Or mentioning going out.

OP posts:
SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 14/09/2013 12:40

He is being extremely immature about this. I think you may have to just accept him being huffy, don't reply to his texts while you're out and just see your friends regardless. Give him a reasonable amount of notice as and when you have plans and stick to it. It won't help his insecurities if you give in to the whining and stay in with him.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 14/09/2013 12:42

It's not right that you "dread" having to "ask permission" to socialise without him Sad

FrigginRexManningDay · 14/09/2013 12:44

Thought so. Do you have a good time when you go out or are you anxious about his reaction,stressed by his huff?

YoureBeingADick · 14/09/2013 12:44

that's hardly the recipe for a healthy happy relationship in the long term smite though is it? this isn't just about going out- this is about his attitude to her personal time to herself. she could stop 'going out' and he'd find something else to take issue with, like her seeing her mum too often or spending too long in the bath on a Friday night because it means him sitting downstairs on his own. going out isn't the issue.